Numb3rs: Scorched (Episode 211)

Opening Grid Numbers: 6,013 Fires (Although, the screen looks like 6.013 fires and has been reported this way on the web. If I’m wrong, what exactly is .013 of a fire?), 30,000 BTU, 700 Arson deaths, 1 Match (Talented match if it caused that much damage. Who owned this match, Mrs. O’Leary?)

The scene opens with an omen that this is going to be an awesome episode, Prodigy’s “Firestarter.” While yes, it’s a bit of an obvious song selection for an episode called "Scorched," but please, it’s Prodigy! One does not need an excuse to play that loudly.

So here we are at a random gas-guzzling, air-polluting, we’re compensating for something when we buy one of these, SUV lots. We get the flash of a matchbook and cigarettes and a jar full of some clear liquid-like substance. Since the scene started with Prodigy, I’m assuming high proof alcohol. The matches are placed in a ratty old section of a probably not flame retardant seat. I’m expecting the explosion any second. Of course, because I don’t write the show, I would be wrong. Instead, a Molotov cocktail is thrown into the SUV on display.

Kindling arrives for the fire in the form of a hapless car salesman. Kindling discovers he’s forgotten his cell phone and goes into the booth to call for help, which promptly explodes. Car salesmen across North America think that Kindling deserved it. What kind of lame-ass car salesman forgets his cell?

Flash forward to the pan over of the ELM logo. Apparently there really is an, ELM and I’m sure they didn’t pay for this piece of promotion. Also, the fictional ELM stands for Earth Liberation Movement, just so everybody is clear on the difference.

Don and Colby arrive and have a witty exchange about the value of burning stuff to save the environment. It takes me a moment to notice that David is missing and what is Guildenstern (Colby) to do without his Rosencrantz (David)? We are told Kindling has a name; it’s Shawn Grasso and that he even has a little 4 month old spark at home with his father’s cell phone.

Charlie comes rushing onscreen, as Don, who remembered his cell, had called him. Ever the eager beaver to help his big brother, Charlie gets a full view of Kindling and looks like his breakfast is about to revisit. Must appreciate the continuity and character growth here as Charlie was sickened at violence in “Uncertainty Principle” and now manages not to reenact the blueberry pie scene from Stand by Me. He goes into a lecture that there isn’t enough data from the information given to him and he is hoping something will be useful at the scene.

As if ordered from the something useful catalogue, Arson Investigator Paul Stevens appears. Charlie and the Arson Investigator geek out over the concepts of arson investigation and fluid mechanics and Charlie name drops, but really, is it name dropping if we don’t know who Smits and Oyler are? Although, isn’t the Smits guy running for President? We get some useful information through the Arson Investigator and Colby about the previous fires, which were all Molotov Cocktails. The whole fricasseeing human kindling, that’s new. The AI’s hit a brick wall in his investigation and is all ready with theories as to why the booth is set on fire but offers little hope in catching the arsonist. Apparently, identifying a perp by their signature is like identifying by their shadow. Of course, Paul Stevens thinks he can be of more use if he has Charlie’s help. Wouldn’t we all?

We also get further exposition on the ELM, who definitely has a fire fetish. Turns out they burned down a whole bunch of other stuff, like ski resorts and “if you build it, the ELM will burn it.” There it is the Numb3rs painfully awkward line of this episode, as said by the ELM through Colby. The ELM is not only a pyro-threat, but also they paraphrase famous movie lines very poorly.

It’s really quite convenient the Arson Investigator’s initials are PS, as, like a post script, his character is constantly throwing in addendums. For instance, here it’s “PS: Notice my stutter? Notice how quickly I was able to offer a motive but claim to have no evidence as to how the booth fire starts? Notice how quickly I latched onto Charlie?”

Credits: And you may ask yourself: When is Colby getting an opening credit? The only other character more deserving of a credit on CBS is David Caruso’s Sunglasses of Justice.

Cal Sci: Larry is musing about the power of fire and Faraday’s observations of a candle. (Click here for more info as this Faraday guy was cool.) Despite my impression of Faraday, Charlie snarks that Faraday never dealt with arson. Hey, this guy was as anti-violence as you Charlie so show some love please! In reality, he’s just frustrated over the lack of progress on the case.

Charlie gives us some information on the 7 points of arson investigation. Since I took the actor took the time to learn them, so should everyone. They are: fuel, burn rate, scorch marks, smoke patterns, flame temperature, igniter and point of origin. Of course, those seven points equal a fire signature; Larry thinks it’s more like a fingerprint, or “fireprint."

Larry goes onto muse “If every vehicle in this nation averaged just 2.7 miles more per gallon, we could cut our dependence on Mid-East oil.” Nice Larry, get everyone who works on the show on some secret watch list why don’t you? And no, Charlie’s weak retort doesn’t make up for it. Larry is making a point about Charlie looking at the big social picture, and that is important but could he not find a better way? Naturally, as the discussion is about something beyond calculations, Charlie’s face goes all “does not compute.” Larry, who always has a point, even if he does have twisted ways of getting there, finally gets to his “every fire would be as unique as the person setting it.” Methinks Megan’s abilities have been rubbing off on Larry.

ELM Office: Megan and Colby (still no David) are conducting interviews. The head of the ELM at least has a point about the reasons against setting fire to an SUV lot, “Gas prices and common sense are going to do that for us.” I break into a huge grin with an environmentalist being portrayed as rational on network primetime. Of course, tree-hugger ruins it by then saying the ELM always confesses to its acts of criminal sabatoge. Why not just toss in “By the way, when you arrest me, introduce me to that nice T-Bag over in Fox River. I’d make a great new pal.”

The Arty Chick, who I take to be second in command at the ELM, also makes a valid point that anyone can spray paint three letters on a wall, even the FBI. She stares at Colby when she says this. Now Arty Chick, stop casting aspersions on Colby’s character. He would never do anything like that. I swear on my mother’s grave.

Megan’s pissed off the ELM isn’t really cooperating, as she wants a list of members to interrogate. I don’t understand why they just don’t get a warrant. It’s just a group of about 2200 college students that aren’t really that well organized. Plus, they admit to burning stuff. It’s not like they’re up against the NRA or something. Arty Chick again jumps in with her aspersions net; by saying the FBI might undermine legitimate protests. Colby, being the honest, upstanding guy he is, snarks that Arty Chick is four decades too late with her references for political protest. The FBI doesn’t do things like that to legitimate protest groups anymore. Take that Arty Chick with your oh so snotty scarf and attitude.

IHOF: In a brief exposition walk and talk moment popularized by The West Wing, Don and Megan tell the audience that the ELM might not be responsible as it isn’t one cohesive organization. Apparently, just because some of the ELM have Dutch ELM disease, doesn’t mean they’re all parasitic. Thus they arrive to meet the upright and just defender of all things honest in the FBI, Colby. It turns out that a photo of ELM members “stuck to the bottom” of Colby’s shoe. F***er!

I am not one to hold back when I am wrong, so I drafted the following to Arty Chick:

Dear Arty Chick,

I humbly apologize for doubting you earlier. You see, this isn’t the real Colby. He’s simply acting out because David is clearly ignoring him. Can’t you see this is a cry for attention? Despite this, I do ask your forgiveness.

Sincerely,

theoriginalspy

Should I add in the fact my mother isn’t dead?

Enough groveling to fictional characters and back to the recap, as I’m not one to hold a grudge either. Plus, Don actually supports Moron’s actions. Not you too, Don! At least Megan has the decency to look uncomfortable. To sum up the importance of this scene, the pair of FBI agents and the asshole find a kid who showed up at two of the ELM fires and he's wearing a college baseball cap. The decision is made to go back to college. Actually, Nimrod needs to go back to Kindergarten to learn about touching other people’s things, but there is only so much to be done in an hour.

Megan Does College: Megan and Dimwit go to find the potential arsonist. The dean’s office was much more cooperative than the ELM as they’re walking purposefully to a dorm room. On the way, a guy in a towel checks out Megan and she returns the favour. She then sighs, “college” and in that one word the audience gets some serious insight into Megan’s College years. I'm betting it was better than the Village Idiot's.

They come upon the room for which they were looking. Brainless tries to go into the room, using the excuse the door was open but Megan stops him by asking him to stick to breaking one law a day. Megan finds Twitty from Even Stevens, whose name in this show is Ethan Powell, and asks him if they can have a look around his room. Turns out Pyro-Pupil, whose name is Jake Eckworth, is Ethan’s roommate. Ethan is intimidated by Megan, as almost everyone would be, and agrees.

Imbecile tries to restore the history on Jake’s computer, but Ethan, in an attempt to demonstrate his superior mental faculties, does it for him. (Link) This would be more impressive if Ethan wasn’t competing again the best-looking example from the shallow end of the gene pool. This scene also nicely establishes Ethan’s need to please, which will play a huge role later. On the computer is a link to the ELM website and a pamphlet advertising a new community under construction that is being built on mountain habitat.

Building Site: Megan and Don spot Jake’s car from a ridge overlooking the development. Unfortunately, they brought along Dolt who is driving up the access road. Hunting through the half-constructed homes, Don hears the rattling of the ductwork and there’s Jake, who is competing with Blockhead for episode’s biggest loser and runs like there’s somewhere to which he could actually escape. Once caught, Megan, going through his backpack snarks, “cigarettes, lighter, spray paint? I though you guys were all about clean air.”

Jake, still trying to prove his own lack of mental prowess, at first denies that he had anything to do with the fires. He then denies the intent to kill, the ELM’s agenda, and a variety of other statements that would crucify him on Law & Order. Kid, you’re being cocky piece of crap when you’ve been caught trespassing, with items that point towards your involvement in an arson case. Shut up. In a final act of sheer inanity, Jake than takes a swipe at Ethan. Jake, don’t bite the brain that feeds you. Eventually, he pulls out what I think is the standard ELM arrest line, probably written by the ever so clever Arty Chick and claims he can’t be held. Turns out he’s right, going back to Megan’s theory that you can break one law a day without consequences and the trespassing must be his for the day. Taking that theory even further, I plan on jaywalking tomorrow, and committing extortion the day after. This one law a day thing isn’t bad. What do you think; grand theft the day after next?

IHOF: Megan and Pinhead are bitching about Jake’s cockiness and Colby (I’ve run out of synonyms fit for public consumption) comments that he knew everything at that age. Shut up Colby. You aren’t out of the doghouse yet. The Feds won’t be giving up on Jake at least.

SUV Lot: Charlie and Larry are listening to the Paul Stevens’ explanation as to how the car booth caught on fire. It was backdraft. Charlie and Larry then take a moment to explain their fireprint theory to Paul Stevens. Instead of seven points of comparison, Larry and Charlie will be working with over 600. For most, 600 is a good score on the Math section of the SAT’s, not for one comparison project. Larry and Charlie want all the fire stats for the past two years. (PS: Notice that I lie outright to these two geniuses? Clearly there is something psychologically wrong with me.)

Megan Does College, Part II: Megan returns to college, this time with Charlie in tow to help bridge the genius gap. It turns out that Ethan was published at 17, just three years shy of Charlie’s record. Footnote to Charlie: If you’re going to work the suit, ditch the sneakers or I’m reporting you to What Not to Wear. Think dead bodies scare you? You haven’t met Clinton and Stacy.

Megan and Charlie find Ethan sitting alone in the quad. Ethan is pissy that the Feds told Jake that Ethan talked to them and then accuses Megan of not understanding because she was obviously a cheerleader and prom queen. I cringe, hoping Megan doesn’t become a victim of the out-dated all-American ideal.

Ethan takes a dive into the ocean of self pity, “The ones who don’t ignore me make me feel like a freak.” Charlie turns all Obi-wan and muses that all the students are “Scared of you because they'll never catch up to you in the classroom. Only talking to you because they want your help.” Understanding that non-academic conversations frustrate Ethan, Charlie says “Jake talks to you, and you wonder if he’s the first and last person (who) ever will.” Replace the word “Jake” with the word “Don” and we have the summary of the first 20 years of Charlie’s life. Ethan in a sweet I can’t lose my hero moment pleads for Jake’s innocence. Charlie, finally wins Ethan over to his side by recognizing that Ethan is working on applications for Nanotubes. Ethan responds by staring at Charlie adoringly like I do so many before him. Ethan does give them some information about Jake without completely betraying him, and it makes me wonder what Charlie would’ve done in exactly the same situation.

Bill Nye the Cal-Sci Guy: Now, in the moment we’ve all been waiting for, it’s Bill Nye. What show isn’t taken up a level by the appearance of Bill Nye the Science Guy? Did you know that one of his favourite sports is ultimate Frisbee? Now we now know who Charlie, Don and Larry were going to compete against in “Convergence.”

It turns out that Bill Nye the Science Guy is playing Prof. Bill Waldie, an expert on combustion. Turns out Larry didn’t know there was a combustion lab and Bill Nye the Science Guy reveals that it was transformed out of an old laundry room. If this isn’t a snark at the lack of funding in the less-than popular divisions of the post-secondary education system, then I don’t know what is. He gives us all sorts of information on how backdrafts are created and he does some pretty cool tricks with candles and matches.

The trio will be trying their own backdraft experiment because, “Creating the conditions for a backdraft? That's just cool.” Bill Nye the Science Guy has rebuilt a version of the booth that exploded and is recreating the conditions that killed Kindling at the beginning. Now the really cool part of this scene is not the look Charlie gives Larry when a quick statement is made about accuracy of the math. Nor is it Larry’s response “I know a guy” when asked where he got cigarettes, like it’s crack. It is that the backdraft experiment does not work. Despite the fact this is necessary to cast suspicion of other causes for the fire, it’s a great lesson that someone like Bill Nye the Science Guy is willing to show that not all experiments do work. Like good scientists, the trio comes to the conclusion that accelerants must have been used. I look forward to more Bill Nye the Science Guy, but next time could it be Bill Nye the Science Guy with a funky bowtie?

IHOF: Taken aback by the revelation that accelerants must have been used, Paul Stevens insists there wasn’t (PS: I stutter when I lie). The next logical conclusion is that the booth fire was intended to kill someone. There are references made back to Larry’s fireprint theory and fire representing the arsonist’s personality. Everyone is aware the arsonist is a murderer.

Megan theorizes that it is likely this new development clears the ELM, which makes Colby’s earlier behaviour towards them even more moronic. The Feds turn their attention to finding out who Jake spends his time talking to while online.

Casa Eppes: It’s Alan! Poor Alan arrives to find the garage has been entirely taken over by Larry and Charlie fireprinting. Another nice nod to continuity is here when Charlie apologizes for taking over the entire garage, because his work on the Cognitive Emergence Theory, is taking up the other half of the garage. As we know that’ll take about 40 years to solve, I hope Alan doesn’t mind his car being exposed to the elements. Charlie and Larry explain the fireprinting theory and Alan points out a fairly obvious problem, that the SUV lot fire is really two separate fires. We may not see him much in this episode, but at least Alan makes the best use of his brief screen time.

IHOF: Colby is giving Megan the ISP info on Jake. Turns out there are two screen names on Jake’s laptop. One is EarthAvenger, an expected name for an environmentalist and the second is Nanotube. Colby comments that this name sounds like a “nerd porno star.” I almost smile, but remember I’m still mad at him. Fortunately, Megan also remembers to be mad at him and slaps him down, as she knows it’s really Ethan’s screen name.

Later, Charlie is explaining the importance of Alan’s earlier comments to the Feds, and Charlie is expanding more on the fireprinting theory. Don, in a telepathic connection with the audience, points out that since Charlie doesn’t like fingerprinting, what’s up with the "fireprinting" thing? Charlie, ready with an answer, replies that there are 8 more points of comparison. He also points out that there are definitely two arsonists and that the one who caused the booth fire is responsible for 17 more.

Megan makes the leap to Jake and Ethan, comparing them to Leopold and Loeb, the famous murderers.  While the whole leader/follower idea makes sense, if Jake and Ethan are representing an aspect of Charlie and Don’s relationship, further research into this pair sets off the serious ick factor. I’m trying desperately to strike this thought from my memory. Before we can delve too deeply into this, the phone rings, revealing there’s been another fire.

New Fire Site: Turns out the offices of an oil exploration company has been set on fire and 6 firefighters were caught in a flashover. Paul Stevens is there to explain the mechanics behind the fire – and that perhaps the injuries were accidental. Megan’s BS detector goes off and she’s sure this was meant to kill the firemen. Meanwhile, Diane Farr, surrounded by actors dressed as firemen, must be having déjà vu.

Larry arrives on the scene, suggesting accelerant, and Paul Stevens jumps in insisting there wasn’t. Charlie insists he check the numbers to see if this flashover was, in fact, intentional and if accelerant was used. Paul Stevens also adds that the firefighters should have been able to put out the fire, as the computer said there was enough water in the standpipe. He has no clear idea how this tragedy happened. (PS: Noticed how I stuttered through my explanation? How convenient all my misleading conclusions were?)

IHOF: Ethan is taking this protection of Jake one step too far and now confessing to all of the crimes. At least Colby didn’t try beating the confession out of the kid with a rubber hose, but then, maybe he’s already broken one law (littering) today and we didn’t see it. How obvious is it that he’s a liar? Even Colby has figured it out. Despite this, Ethan is offended that Colby doesn’t believe he’s guilty. Ethan’s IQ may be 160, but right now he’s acting like all he wants is a one way ticket to Fox River. Colby’s all “I didn’t think you were capable of being this stupid.” I thought the same thing about you Colby.

Megan also knows Ethan’s confessing to crimes he didn’t commit, and even references the case of the Great London Fire and how the person who confessed to that was innocent like Ethan, but that he was executed anyway. What she didn’t mention is the man who confessed to starting the London Fire was ironically nicknamed “Lucky.” (I did not make that up.) Giving some insight into the matter, Megan sadly comments “Sometimes people say things to be noticed because sometimes being ignored is worse than being blamed.”

Casa Eppes: Charlie and Larry have moved their experimenting from the garage to the shower. Alan arrives and snarks that he’s not going to ask. Despite the double entendres which could abound from here, let us move onto another topic, the Charlie back story. Discussing Ethan’s predicament, Charlie tells us “I sort of understand what it’s like to be this kid, Ethan Powell. My freshman year at Princeton, there were times I was pretty desperate to fit in, any way I could.”

Alan counters with “What are you saying? You are who you are by just dumb luck? That you’re one roommate away from being a pyromaniac?” Usually, I would never disagree with Alan, but I think he has it wrong here. It wasn’t one roommate; it was one brother. Although, he does make a strong point later, that with the roommate theory, it neglects the time his parents put into Charlie; time like special classes, tutors, and the careful weeding out of anyone with homicidal tendencies.

Back to the case, the former city planner explains how one could manipulate a standpipe to make it appear there was enough water, but really fry the firemen. It’s all to do with the fact the pressure can remain constant, but the amount of water is slowly being turned down. Essentially, it works the same way I used to get vengeance on my brother, when I was younger. Wait until he gets in the shower, and then slowly turn on the hot water in the kitchen. This proves tampering and a disregard for human life. (On the show!)

In a moment of comic relief, Charlie rushes off to share this new discovery with the Feds, leaving Alan still without the ability to shower, as the garden hose is attached to the shower. Larry offers Alan the hose, and Alan looks like he’s going to take it, and then stick it somewhere Larry wouldn’t like.

IHOF: Charlie explains Alan’s newest epiphany with Don and Megan and while the engineering knowledge fits with Ethan, the intentional harm doesn’t. This leads to the conclusion that the real arsonist wanted to hurt firemen – and assumed Kindling at the beginning wouldn’t forget his phone. Therefore, the booth fire would also hurt firemen. This exonerates Ethan because he wants to impress Jake, symbolic Don, and the ELM, symbolic Feds.

Megan decides to take another crack at Ethan, and this time brings along serious ammo, in the form of Jake. The actual conversation goes like this:

Jake: I think maybe you care too much what I think.

Ethan: Don’t flatter yourself, Jake.

Jake: You know, sometimes you can be a real jerk Ethan. Do you know what it’s like to be around a kid who thinks he knows everything?

Don and Charlie share a significant glance during this exchange and the subtext translation can be found here.

Jake, proving he’s no slouch, guesses that the second arsonist is using Ethan’s powers for evil, instead of for good. Jake uses the big brother approach and Megan adds the emotional bitch slap by referencing the 6 firemen, to elicit Ethan’s help.

Using the information that Ethan obviously provided, the computer tech traces the second arsonist’s computer back to Paul Steven’s firehouse. Charlie thus realizes that both he and Ethan were the Arsonist’s bitches. It turns out, Paul Stevens failed the firefighter screening and has been holding a grudge ever since. Plus, vengeance by setting fires that you get to investigate is the best way to stay out of trouble.

The realization Paul Stevens is probably going to bolt sets the Feds into action as they plan to head off to the Glendale development to find him before he destroys it. Just before leaving, Megan takes the time to reassure a distraught Charlie, that the arsonist was really using him to help get caught. While this doesn’t look like it has much an affect on Charlie at the moment, it was decent of Megan to try. I love Megan for that.

Building site: Do I really need to explain the appeal of Don in riot gear? Do I? During the search for Paul Stevens amongst the construction, Megan announces that she understands that the fires are in retaliation for the test failure. I don’t know how wise it is to remind a guy with a penchant for torching stuff that he sucks.

Paul Stevens confronts Don with white phosphorus, threatening to blow the whole development to the hereafter. While Don is trying to get the situation under control Paul Stevens and backs up and he – WTF? He trips? After all that planning and years of reprisals against firemen, you’re defeated by two left feet? There is the arsonist, in the afterlife, explaining that instead of going out in a blaze of glory; he died demonstrating how he failed the firefighter’s proficiency test.

La Maison d'Eppes: Alan and Charlie are trying to fix the shower used from the experiment. Don arrives and tells us that Ethan’s going to prison for three years for helping with the planning of the arsons. Charlie again relates to Ethan’s quandaries, and expresses a wish to have a chance to be normal in college. Alan gives him a reality check by reminding him that everyone wanted to be Charlie at midterms. In frustration, Alan gives up on the shower and Don, ignoring Charlie’s insistence that he is able to fix the shower, steps in.

Charlie still tries to help and gets his fingers pinched in the process. While the ending is hilarious, Charlie, haven’t you learned your lesson about trying to impress Don? On second thought, I hope you don’t as it would change the entire dynamic of this fraternal relationship.

Final thought: David, can you please come back and keep Colby under control?