Numb3rs: Backscatter (Episode 222)

Opening Grid: 574 Million Credit Card Accounts, 500 Million Dollars Stolen Annually, 16 Digits, 2 Phishers (Is that phishers or Phish-ers? The band was really into the internet before it was cool.)

Trey and Page, two Phishers, are driving around looking for an unsecured wireless network. Exactly how far would one have to go to find an unsecured wireless? Isn’t the entire city of Los Angeles just one large unsecured wireless network with the security level of the Cone of Silence from Get Smart, just more high tech?

Once they find a nice alley full of unsecured wireless networks, Trey and Page select “David’s Network” and send out fraudulent e-mails from Pacific Mutual, to try and bilk thousands of customers out of their hard earned cash.

Suddenly, the Don and his team of Fedcakes appear to arrest the Phishers. Trey makes a run for it, ditches the laptop in a garbage can, but is tackled by David.

Page makes it out into the street but is being chased by Don and Megan. Don could catch a track athlete just a few months ago, but the computer nerd is giving him trouble. Fortunately, the Irony Gods are with Don, because at the moment it looks like Trey’s going to get away, he narrowly avoids getting hit by an SUV and a car. This is not end of Trey’s ordeal because he runs into a taxi (as opposed to the taxi running into him), is nearly hit by another vehicle, but then, in the Irony Gods’ moment of triumph, is taken out by a bike messenger.

Don, with the help of Megan, arrests Page. Megan snarks that he jacked an FBI’s signal and that in the world of fishing for phishers, the Feds are Ernie, not Bert.

Don looks extremely angry, either because Page was stealing millions from innocent people, or because he’s embarrassed that he needed a Jam Pony messenger to help him catch the suspect.

Maison D’Eppes: Charlie is trying to explain what phishing is to Alan. What is amazing is that Charlie, with his infamous inability to spell, begins the explanation with “It’s spelled with a PH.” Amita must’ve corrected him on that at some point. Alan’s amazed that anyone would be dumb enough to send his or her banking information through the net.

Don is sitting watchinga hockey game and chimes in that 3-7 million people lose half a billion dollars a year because they can’t figure out their junk mail filters.

In the style of three bachelors, dinner is the classic dish “take-out.” The delivery girl’s cell rings as Don checks out the food – but is stopped as he’s told his card was declined. Charlie tries to step in and pay, but Don insists as it’s probably embarrassing enough to have a little brother that could probably purchase everything he owns and still have leftover cash, meanwhile he can’t afford $65 take-out.

Again, the girl (which is Becky, but is it relevant? Probably not.) declines the second card and Alan steps forward to pay while Don calls his bank. Don is frustrated and humiliated and Charlie’s reassurance about a glitch in the computer doesn’t help. To add insult to injury, all of Don’s accounts have been emptied – followed swiftly by the menacing text message, “Eppes, you got our guys. We got your money.”

Credits: “We all use math everyday – to predict weather, to tell time, to handle money…” unless you’re Don.

International House of Fedcakes: Don is still on the phone with his bank, assuring them, as an FBI agent, he wouldn’t lie about someone hacking in and stealing money. Even though everyone’s feeling Don’s frustration, it’s reassuring to see that the banks treat Feds exactly like the rest of us.

Charlie is conferencing with a computer tech, and learns that the phishers had a couple of hundred people send in their account information within hours of the initial casting of e-mail. Also, this wasn’t indiscriminate junk mail; they were working off a registered list of customers, mostly seniors. Charlie is rather impressed at the skill it takes to hack into a bank’s secure database.

Don watches Page, who looks quite healthy considering his run-in with the Sketchy, being interviewed. Megan is assuring the cocky little computer geek, that despite his belief that he won’t get any jail time, he’s looking at 15-20 in Oz. In one of those moments where people cannot see what’s truly important, Page is upset his girlfriend will leave him, as opposed to the fact he’s going towind up the girlfriend if he doesn’t cooperate.

In the room right next to Page, Don watches Trey explain to David that the phishing plot was concocted by two guys they met in a cyber-café. Apparently, the phishers were caught by the two guys hacking into secure systems and Trey and Page could either join the Phish bandits, or they’d be turned in by Jon and Mike Len and Alex.

Of course, Page assures Megan, Len and Alex weren’t the top of the food chain; a man named Yuri is and Trey tells David that if the Phish bandits didn’t keep their manager, they’d be dead.

“It’s a classic Russian Mob scheme,” David tells a skeptic Don and Megan, and making sure Colby is up to speed on what’s happening.

The mob will often worm in on others’ scams with the promise that they may not torture you and dump you body in the river, if you work for them. Enticing hiring package, but do they provide benefits? Health care?

Don says he’ll call the organized crime task force, but the organized crime task force has already arrived in the form of Lieutenant Gary Walker of the LAPD from the episode “The O.G.”

Lieutenant Gary Walker of the LAPD Gang Impact Team arrives with the impact that is usually only accompanied by loud trumpet flourishes because the actor is seriously chewing up the scenery. Lou Diamond Phillips now has some competition in that department with Will Patton if he becomes a regular special guest star.

Right now, Lou Diamond Phillips is worried he’s lost his title as coolest guest star.

Walker’s arrived because the most recent report of possible Russian activity gives him one heck of awesome reason to be in this episode. He provides an interesting anecdote about the Russians that they’ll, “shoot you to see if the gun works.” Guess that’s a no on health care.

The current scam looks like it is being run by Yuri Koverchenko. Yuri has the stereotypical Russian baddie background, former KGB, camera shy and active in white collar crime, but willing to shoot you, your family, and probably your pet parakeet if you cross him.

Charlie comes in to inquire about Don’s financial difficulties but Don tells him that he has to prove to the bank he didn’t take the money himself. “Maybe we should remind them who investigates bank robberies.” Megan quips. I’m glad Megan is on the Feds’ side; otherwise she’d be the biggest criminal mastermind ever. Charlie’s confused as to why the Russian mob would be so interested in Don, and Megan’s uncertain as well because stealing from an agent translates to “go ahead, arrest my good for nothing ass,” in Russian.

Cal Sci: Amita’s been hard at work trying to find Don’s money and is also pondering about how easily Enron, Savings & Loans a few keys on a computer can erase someone’s life savings. “Still banks are safer than keeping your money under a mattress,” Charlie assures her. I don’t know, I have an Aunt with two freezers, one keeps meat and frozen vegetables and the other gives a whole new meaning to cold hard cash. She’s never had to pay a fee for a withdrawal.

“Hey, I’m all for giving up material possessions,” Amita tells Charlie.

“Living like a monk?” Charlie asks.

“No, like as a grad student.” Usually, Amita trying to crack a joke would be a candidate for the Numb3rs Painfully Awkward Line(TM) but as she’s now cool, it’s not funny because it’s true funny.

Amita’s found the original attack, and that the bank’s encryption software is easier to break into than Windows XP(TM), but she can’t trace the hacker because the internet is in real time. Unless the hacker is on in that instant, there’s no hope of finding them. She lists a variety of methods they could use to track the hacker during the next attack, such as hop-by-hop, ICMP, and backscatter – which are all either computer terms or new Dr. Seuss books.

Charlie enters his metaphor zone by staring at this very Zen fountain and compares the internet to a river. They can only find where the flood comes from by following it upstream.

Therefore, the hacker needs to attack again to locate his whereabouts. The only clue they have is a piece of spyware, which Charlie surmises is a plant to find out when Don’s money is returned to him.

Amita, to prove twice in one scene that she is capable of delivering a joke, tells Charlie that Larry called from his string theory conference. The “geographically challenged” (the politically correct term for typical man who won’t ask directions) Larry doesn’t know which city he’s in, St. Louis, or Cleveland, when, in reality, he’s in Minneapolis. Hope you liked that dose of Fleinhardt in the show, otherwise call the FBI and report him missing. Ask for Colby. I doubt he knows where he is either.

XP(TM) Bank: Megan and Don have gone to investigate how the phishers got their customer information. The Senior Security Officer, Geoff Morton, plus his team Lamont and Very Pregnant Colleen, are the only ones with access to all the customer information. Lamont and Colleen have done everything possible to help the Feds along, but Morton is trying his best to ingratiate himself to Don, by offering to help him with his cash flow problem. He assures both Don and Megan that Lamont and Colleen are very trustworthy, even though the last time I saw Colleen on TV, she was a mental patient. Note that Morton says nothing about himself. That pain on the top of your head is a fifty pound anvil. That anvil may have distracted you from noticing that Megan’s cell phone rang, and she’s being informed that Trey and Page have made bail.

Under the Bridge: Instead of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, it’s the dead Phish Bandits, plus one of their groupies.

The hackers were at it again as they were able to get Trey and Page out of jail and have the computer think Don and his team were informed. Lt. Walker says that it has to be Yuri’s doing – proving he can get to anyone.

IHOF: David’s got the information on the phishers’ release. A man, by the name of Ned Spope, using Don’s credit card number, bailed them out. The computer at booking was hacked so that Don’s numbers, all of which had been cancelled, appeared to have been verified. Megan figures out that Ned Spope is an anagram for “Fuck You Don Eppes!” Everyone’s afraid that Yuri’s just going to find more disposable workers, if the Fedcakes don’t stop him.

Maison D’Eppes: The newest battle in the Eppes House War of the 05-06 season sees the aggressor, Charlie, taking over a whole new space in the house, since securing the walk-in closet, attic and living room alcove, cyber-space.

Alan discovers Charlie and his second in command, Amita, using five computers on his wireless network to prevent him from calling in reinforcements. Charlie claims the reason is to us backscatter to find the hacker, but we all know he’s just taken this battle to the next level. The idea is to replace the money and then track the hacker’s cyber-maneuvering to discover from where he is working. That, and score another victory against Big Poppa Eppes.

Amita smiles as both plans work flawlessly.

Auto Shop: David and Don are ready to take on the Russian mob with the help of Walker.

Cal Sci: Charlie is teaching a class all about his new backscatter tracking theory. The class looks all impressed at Charlie’s brilliance, or perhaps his hair. “Cool,” one student says, and we all know he’s talking about the professor in general. I’m not projecting.

Auto Shop: The team is getting ready to enter the shop. They haven’t seen the bad guys yet, but know they’re there because they’re eating lunch and talking about their favourite reality shows. “Things are about to get a lot more real for them in a hurry,” Walker wisecracks, taking the title for this week’s Numb3rs Painfully Awkward Line(TM). There is only one man on television that can deliver a pun that bad and get away with it, William Petersen. All others should not attempt it.

Cal Sci: While going through the backscatter process in class, one of Charlie’s students notices a line of code that makes no sense and wasn’t part of the original programming. Charlie writes the numbers on the board.

Warehouse District: The team makes a move on an empty space. Cigarettes are still lit, but the Feds are left standing around wondering whether the Russians invented the transporter and forgot to tell the rest of the world.

Cal Sci: According to Sloan’s Encyclopedia of Integer Sequences, the message reads “werwaitingforu.” Charlie runs from the room.

Warehouse District: The Feds are so confused that it’s Colby (that’s right Colby) that first indicates impending danger. “I’m starting to get a feeling that I haven’t had in a long time.” A thought?

Don discovers explosives under the computer desk and the team tries to take cover. The desk explodes and the Russians, in an all-American Hummer, drive out shooting. David is hit in the crossfire, and even Walker can’t shoot down the baddies.

IHOF: In righteous vengeance mode, Don gets updates on David (he’s stable and Colby can’t have his brain desk) learns the Russian Mafia has declared war on the Feds.

Guilt-ridden Charlie arrives with the news that it’s his fault the Fedcakes were ambushed – the hacker hacked into Charlie and Amita’s hacking. (Say that 10 times fast.) Not only is the hacker brilliant with computers, but also is a multi-step thinker. The FBI, on the other hand, has Colby. No one looks pleased, least of all Charlie, whose association with the FBI led to the ambush in the first place. Knowing the FBI, with its limited resources, would turn to Charlie, the hacker used that knowledge against them.

To try and discover the Koverchenko’s motive, Charlie wants to apply “Multi-player Game Theory,” or “Team Theory.” This is frequently used by big business and the Pentagon, but the Feds are only sold on the idea when Charlie says it’s also been used by the New England Patriots – because between the Pentagon and the Patriots, which is clearly the better example of success? Here’s a hint; it’s not a geometric shape.

Megan can’t argue the point, and it wouldn’t be right for her to do so because once again, Charlie is doing what should be her job.

Outside IHOF: The little ray of sunshine, Walker, is as confused about the mob’s motives as the Feds. The good news is he’s never seen the mob be quite as personal as they have been with Don and now everyone close to him is in danger. Why is this good? Because it’s a mob anomoly anomaly and anomalies provide Charlie with lots of extra data, if he isn’t killed first. Although, the Feds could still use Amita, and Larry, if he manages to find his was home from the conference and doesn’t wind up in say, Montreal.

Math Garage: Charlie and Amita are diligently trying to do Megan’s job apply Team Theory to the Russian Mob. Don arrives and tells Charlie that the case has been taken away from him, and, therefore, Charlie needs to stop working on the case. Don, who once accused Charlie of being unable to keep a secret, is such a bad liar in this case, Charlie flips open his phone, and calls the FBI, discovering the deception. In a show of fraternal loyalty, he refuses to back away from the case as long as Don is the lead agent. Somehow, I doubt Don will thank him.

XP(TM) Bank: Don and Megan are back interviewing Morton, who is now suspiciously working alone. Morton’s lie about where Colleen and Lamont are and that everything is back to normal at the bank, is almost as believable as Don’s “They took the case away from me” lie he tried to force-feed Charlie.

Cal Sci: Charlie is teaching a class in the lecture hall.

He’s being all professorial (a word which also means damn sexy in a nerdy fashion) when he notices two people, who are clearly not students, sitting in the back of his class. A look of panic crosses his face<, as he realizes he’s being confronted by the boss, and that his days at Cal Sci may be numbered.

In fact, one of those men has the power to end the entire Numb3rs universe as we know it.

While we all know that these two intimidating looking men are supposed to be Russian Mobsters, the one on the right is Alfred Hitchcock Nicholas Falacci, a Numb3rs, executive producer.

So, while a producer is trying to intimidate an actor a sight never before seen in Hollywood Charlie, trying not to focus on the meta nature of the entire scene, switches his original lesson plan, to the emergency “I think I’m going to die” lesson plan, which he keeps filed right next to clean underpants. The lesson plan looks like this:

Aims & Objectives: Not Die / Have students not panic

Methodology: I will make a variety of statements about my connections to law enforcement officials. In the event that my super-cool flippy-cell phone answers “no” to “Can you hear me now?” I will send random students out to find a campus security officer. All the while, my tone of voice will imply that I’m simply doing one of my nutty professor antics to which the students are accustomed.

Method of Assessment: Observational. I will observe my students maintain their usual WTF expressions. This lesson will be deemed a failure if anyone other than me needs to change their jockeys.

Sometime later, Don is interviewing Charlie about when Cheryl Heuton is going to appear on the show because now she has to the interlopers in integer instruction. This is the perfect opportunity for Charlie to snark, “I thought you were off the case Mr. Agent Guy,” but he’s obviously a much better person than I am. Instead, Charlie’s more concerned about the mobsters going through his Team Theory work in his office, and both brothers are concerned for the security of la Maison D’Eppes.

Math Garage: While everything seems safe and secure, at first, Don finds a cigarette butt on floor. Since the last time Alan smoked a cigarette and probably more if “Protest” taught us anything was 1979, the Russian Mob must be in need of the patch.

Inside the house, Alan and Don are arguing over Charlie’s safety. Charlie jumps in all annoyed that everyone is talking about him and not to him, so Don turns his ire onto Charlie at approximately 700 decibels. At least, that’s what it was when you add together the noise of the yelling and my dogs’ barking in response to the yelling. I mention them, because my 18 and 20 pound dogs, looked like they had a better chance against Angry!Don than guilty!Charlie does.

Alan tries to regain his voice of reason, and asks about precautions for himself and Charlie, before Nicholas Falacci wastes them both. Don orders around the clock protection and Charlie off the case.

IHOF: Walker informs Don that Nicholas Falacci didn’t leave any forensics at either la Maison D’Eppes or Cal Sci – which would be expected as he wrote the script. If he accidentally did leave any forensics, he’d just edit them out of the first draft. The LAPD can’t find any new connections and neither can the FBI so Colby suggests using Charlie, much to Don’s chagrin.

Walker offers another of his uplifting Jack Handey sayings and tells Don that it doesn’t matter what he does; the mob’s probably going to try to kill his family anyway. Don finally declares war on the mob – which will hopefully be shorter than the whole War on Terror that was supposed to be over, like, three years ago?

Math Garage: David, who did not receive one of those types of television injuries that keep him out of the rest of the episode, is helping with security at la Maison D’Eppes. Specifically, David is assigned to stop Charlie from working on the case, but even he recognizes that it’s a difficult task, given the stubbornness of the brothers Eppes.

“They get that from their mother,” Alan assures him. Yes, and they get their romantic skill from their father, so stop foisting off the blame on someone who isn’t around anymore to defend herself, unless the psychic was right.

David hits on Amita, since she’s no longer in the running for Charlie’s girlfriend with the ever so clever line, “What’s a nice mathematician like you doing in a garage like this?” Quick David, go back on sick leave, because the Eppes’ romantic ineptness (or is that inEPPESness) is apparently contagious. He examines Charlie’s work and inquires why Charlie is supposed to be working on his Cognitive Emergence Theory, when the chalkboard clearly says “Yuri Koverchenko Game Theory.” Not only is romantic inEPPESness communicable, but also the inability to lie with any level of credibility is becoming an epidemic.

Charlie argues that because the theory is in his head, it’s better just to let him work on it, which is a theory many who have thoughts about Charlie stuck in their heads, would like to apply. Charlie’s on the brink of a great discovery, he can feel it. Apparently, all mathematicians work on instinct and feeling prior to creating proof, yet another plus for the rabid Charlie fangirls because they would really like to work on Charlie with instinct and feeling too.

David realizes it’s better just to let Charlie stay distracted with Game Theory and challenges Alan to a game of air hockey. Amita challenges the winner, but if everyone were wise, they would never play people who are trained to think in angles and calculations in a game based entirely on angles and calculations. Alan is doesn’t take it easy on the man with the gimpy arm, and fakes him out, scoring quickly.

The fake out gives Charlie the last clue he needs to solve the puzzle, but since Don is out of the question he calls…

Outside IHOF: … Lieutenant Walker is talking with Don about a new tactic of investigation, consulting mathematicians. Apparently, Walker “learned something” last time he worked with the Feds – which gives him a leg up over Colby (not that way).

Looking like he’s about to tear Walker a new one, Walker reminds him that, as he’s now cooler than Lou Diamond Phillips, it’s not allowed according to the Uber Cool Guest Star Handbook.

He also reminds Don that he was supposed to take precautions, not stop using the most valuable resource the Fedcakes have, their combined hotness Charlie.

Inside, Don and Walker are confronted with the sight of Megan talking to a very sheepish looking Charlie. Going into his use of posterior distribution with Game Theory, Charlie has discovered that the entire trying to screw with Don’s head (not like that either) was a form of distraction for the Feds, not the mob’s goal. Not once during his explanation does he give credit to David, his father and air hockey, which would so add some much needed comic relief.

The overall pattern indicates that what Koverchenko was trying to achieve, the Feds disrupted by arresting the Phish bandits and talking to the security team at X(TM) Bank. The key is at the bank.

The Street: Morton has pulled out his “me? I’m not guilty of anything, really” swagger as he looks behind him for Nicholas Falacci. Most producers usually just fire actors they don’t like, so Morton should stop with the over-dramatics. Suddenly, he’s grabbed by two guys and then tossed into the back of waiting truck where, and I must’ve missed something because did not see this coming, he is confronted by Don and Walker. I was totally expecting some sort of pent-up actor frustration wish fulfillment by Falacci just to make sure the audience was clear that fourth walls are easily torn down.

Walker and Don reveal that they know the whole story that Morton told them previously about Lamont and Colleen being at home was a pile of crap, and they want his help to rescue them from their kidnappers. Initially, Morton refuses as the mob explained to him, in detail, what would happen if he crossed them. Even though he doesn’t care for his own safety, he cares deeply for his team. Don and Walker try to convince him that the mob’s going to kill his team anyway, so the only way to save them is to help Feds. This works only when Don confesses to being afraid of the Russian Mafia, but, despite that, that he refuses to give up. The reasoning appeals to Morton because it’s one team leader confessing his concern to another team leader – and Morton finally agrees.

XP(TM) Bank / IHOF / Math Garage / Warehouse: The mob’s plan is to hack in through the bank’s computers, to ATMs around the country, stealing banking information. Of course, once they have the information, Morton, Lamont and Colleen are going to meet a very angry Falacci. Morton’s role is just to let the hacker into the computer room and prevent anyone else from entering during the operation.

We have a montage of the bank the IHOF, Charlie and Amita at the Math Garage and Colby, who is outside the bank, which is followed by Morton’s less than successful attempts to get the hacker’s cell phone number. The techno tune “We’re Robbing You Blind” plays in the background as the scene flips back and forth from bank machines to the hacker, to the Feds. The tension builds to the point where Megan scolds Don for checking his watch for the 58923462nd (actual number) time that day.

Morton finally succeeds in texting the hacker’s cell number to the Feds, through his cell phone taped under the table. This springs the plan into action and Charlie calls the hacker. Clearly, Charlie has been taking intimidation lessons from Don, because he invites the hacker to come and personally explain to him how the hacker is able to do the things he does.

In a panic, the hacker calls Koverchenko, who is hanging out with a tied-up Lamont and Colleen. Koverchenko assures him that is the Feds (meaning Don) would not let Charlie call him if Don knew what was happening and orders him to finish his nefarious deed.

The call lasts just long enough for the Fedcakes’ computer tech to pinpoint Koverchenko’s location using the GPS on his phone – and Megan and Don leave to make the arrest and the rest of the team is ordered into action.

Meanwhile, the hacker finishes his job and just as he’s about to wire the money to Koverchenko, Colby arrives to arrest him. Using the hacker’s cell phone, Colby calls Koverchenko and tells him it’s all over – at the exact moment Don, Megan, Walker and the rest of the team ambush him in the warehouse, rescuing the hostages in the process. Koverchenko momentarily gets away, but is easily chased down by Don, who is trying to redeem himself for letting a computer nerd outrun him at the beginning. Shots are exchanged, but it is Walker who finally nails Koverchenko with a well-aimed punch to the head – thus proving the depth of his coolness. Only truly cool guest stars, like Lou Diamond Phillips and Will Patton ever get to take down the baddies on this show.

Morton is now at the warehouse checking up on Lamont and Colleen. My boss won’t even loan me a pencil, but their boss is willing to sacrifice his job and personal safety for them. I’d say they were pretty lucky, if it weren’t for the whole hostage and threat of death thing.

Maison D’Eppes: Don comes home to any team leader’s worst nightmare, his subordinate, David, his subordinate, examining his baby picture.

David assures him that the mobster watching the house was found and Don tries to convince David that he can head home. The real reason David wants to stick around, besides blackmail material for the Christmas party, comes out of the kitchen in the form of a really yummy looking dinner. Alan and Charlie are giving David a dinner worthy of a hero.

Don waxes poetic about the last few days, and Alan describes the events as Charlie would, “A statistically possible but unlikely event.” Don wonders if Charlie’s working with the FBI is worth his safety, but Alan assures him that he feels better when the brothers Eppes are working together. So do I, but for completely different reasons.

Trying to avoid any meaningful heart to heart, Don goes to help out Charlie in the kitchen by yelling, “Hey Chuck, you want some help back there? Come on Susie homemaker we’re ready to eat.” This is really helpful if Don wants to have pasta thrown at him by his angry little brother. Although, it’d be a nice coda to the whole spaghetti breaking incident from the previous episode.

David gives his opinion on the brothers, “I’ve never seen two brothers so completely different and so much alike.”

As if to prove David’s point, the scene ends with the following exchange:

Charlie: If you call me 'Chuck' one more time, I swear...
Don: Well, how about I call you 'Chuckie'?
Charlie: How about I call you 'Donald'?
Don: How about I call you 'Nerd'?

Aw, the sounds of brotherly love. Someone’s so getting short sheeted tonight. Charlie’s probably already got an equation for that.