Numb3rs: Hot Shot (Episode 224)

It’s the season finale. In honour of this momentous event, I present a very poetic recap.

There once was a Numb3rs recapper
And depression is trying to trap her.
Though her dear show is a hit
For the season this is it
But cheer up! My, Charlie looks dapper!

Grid Haiku

First half of the grid
24 frames per second
50 milligrams

The second half is
5 sleep cycles, 1 syringe
The opening grid

Opening song lyrical interpretation:

Everybody Wants To Rule The World:

(Is this 1985 – making Charlie perhaps 10? That’s what the use of this song at the beginning implies.)

Welcome to your life (Charlie’s circa age 10 if the music is anything to go by)
There’s no turning back (Not in the Volvo Alan and Charlie are traveling in that looks like the car my parents had when I was 10.)
Even while we sleep (It’s a dream sequence! That’s so Alice in Wonderland!)
We will find you (Charlie’s in his own head.)
Acting on your best behaviour (Not really, Charlie’s sulking.)
Turn your back on mother nature (Or on Father Eppes’ request to accompany him into the store.)
Everybody wants to rule the world (Yeah, me.)

It’s my own design (So meta there writer Barry Schindel.)
It’s my own remorse (Yeah, Charlie’s remorseful in the car because he’s no good at team sports.)
Help me to decide (Alan’s grocery shopping. Take the steaks they’re $2.99!)
Help me make the most (Alan and the butcher talk about little Charlie at bat. Not like that! But if you want to think about it, go ahead.)
Of freedom and of pleasure (It seems like a normal day in dreamland.)
Nothing ever lasts forever (The peace is shattered by an attempted robbery. Alan is shot trying to distract the robber from Charlie!)
Everybody wants to rule the world (Yeah, the robber wants to, but Charlie so steals this scene with the angst.)

There’s a room where the light won’t find you (But Charlie’s mother will find him, in his bed, to wake him for school.)
Holding hands while the walls come tumbling down (Charlie’s convinced he’s going crazy as he knows his mother is dead.)
When they do I’ll be right behind you (At least, Charlie’s mother will, if we believe the psychic from earlier in the season.)

So glad we’ve almost made it (Although Charlie doesn’t look so thrilled about the pancakes Mama Eppes has made.)
So sad they had to fade it (Mama Eppes reveals she can’t stay long, but it was time for Charlie to see her.)
Everybody wants to rule the world (Mama Eppes at least wants to win the house war rule the house!)

I can’t stand this indecision (Mama Eppes wants Charlie to ask her a question, but he doesn’t know what it is.)
Married with a lack of vision (Here he is, with a vision of his dead mother, and can’t think of a thing to say.)
Everybody wants to rule the world (Still me.)
Say that you’ll never never never never need it (Or just don’t say anything at all Charlie!)
One headline why believe it? (He takes so long accepting the situation, that Mama Eppes is gone to the kitchen!)
Everybody wants to rule the world (Still me of course, but Alan wants to win the house war rule Charlie’s world, because now he’s waking him up.)

Prose sidebar: The bandit at the beginning may not have made off with any money, but he made off with the opening credits because there’s no techno music! Is this really just a part of the super secret conspiracy to change the title music every year? If so, I’ve seen a great candidate for next year .

The Victim’s Pad / Cal Sci / And the Credits Roll:

The Fedcakes are at their most serious
Investigating a dastardly crime
Now they’re examining a young woman’s corpse,
Dressed for a very good time.

Don, the team leader and overall hot fedcake
Arrives and on the crime Colby reports
Carla Daniels was found by the postman
A female “post carrier,” Megan retorts.

And the credits roll.

It’s a similar scene to six weeks ago
When there was yet another body
Colby thinks it’s a poor suicide but,
Megan knows suicides don’t dress so shoddy.

At Cal Sci, Charlie and Larry are talking
About the meaning of Charlie’s dream
And Charlie’s forgotten what his Mom looked like,
Remembrance, so that’s the mother’s scheme!

And the credits roll.

Larry’s mother passed away two years ago
And of faulty memory, Larry agrees
All he remembers of his mother,
Are a smile and the need to evenly tweeze.

Dream philosophy is confusing,
As it might be random neurons firing,
Or it might be the conscious talking to you.
Charlie finds Larry’s talk tiring.

And the credits roll.

Larry, in and nice moment of continuity
Reminds us of the dream where his aunt eats his flesh.
In case you don’t remember that dream,
Here’s the link if you need a refresh.

Fortunately, Larry rarely dreams
But is it normal or a chemical imbalance?
The ability to distinguish between the two
Is not one of Larry’s talents.

And the credits roll.

As amusing an interlude as this was
And it was quite the entertaining scene,
But Charlie is still left with the question,
What the hell does all of this mean?

At the victim’s house, Megan is examining
Carla’s bedroom. Meanwhile, Colby gets a call.
Megan sees a Bible and neat sheets.
Colby (as usual) does not understand the meaning of it all.

And the credits still roll.

Colby snarks, “So she says her prayers
And makes her bed, ready to name her killer?”
But Spy is shocked Megan’s being a behaviourist,
The job meant not for Charlie but for her.

Carla was killed by an ex, Megan reveals
“I know, David found the ex” says Colby with hotness sass.
“But it was a pleasure watching you work, Megan.”
Megan finishes by kicking him in the ass.

And the credits still roll.

At the International House of Fedcakes
Charlie’s there to talk to Don
Don’s too wrapped up in the case
Trying to catch evil’s spawn.

Two young victims killed with “hot shots”
Comprising morphine and diazepam,
The perp then dresses and takes them home
Like he gives a damn.

And the credits still roll.

“Direct Network Flow Problem”
Charlie says, will help Don with the case.
Find the connections between the girls,
To aid the Feds with the chase.

Charlie describes the dream of Mama Eppes
Don looking on in concern
But he’s still more focused on the case
And all the info he needs to learn.

And the credits finally stop.

Real Estate Office Rag:

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are talking
To Thomas Gill, who wants them a-walking
“Hey,” he insists, “I’m just the boring ex.”
“Plus, being Christian, we have not had sex.”
With that assertion he kicks the two out.
(Like it is their fault she would not put out!)

i.h.o.f. (by e.e. cummings )

in the ihof megan reveals that both women were calmed with the diazepam then killed by morphine.
david says colby is sure the ex must have committed the crimes but megan is sure colby disbelieves about the sex.
damn straight, colby agrees but he has more even more proof: a phone call between gill and carla.
gill obviously had other business in the area – just not getting busy business “no guy agrees to not have sex.” colby snarks.

Thomas Gill Rag

With a warrant in hand the Feds arrive.
But this raid on Tom just does not quite jive.
They search the house, and Colby nets a find.
A Christian, but not the usual kind
As old ladies in the front pew at church
Don’t swap fetish gear to friends in a lurch.
Things are not looking too good for poor ex-Tom
And Colby thinks, dude where do I get some?

i.h.o.f. redux (by e.e. cummings )

interviewing the suspected killer don confronts him
suspiciously calling
the victim at home and talked to her for 45 minutes.
tom wanted to apologize for yelling at her
don thinks it’s to apologize for planning to kill her
“i swear to god i didn’t” tom responds.
after the whole fetish in the closet thing, the christian excuse doesn’t wash anymore
moron.

Random Victim Cinquain

Killer
Watching her in
Convenience store lot
He approaches her stealthily
Dead soon.

Charlie and Amita Sonnet

At Call Sci: Mom, Dad, Robbery, Pancakes
Written on Charlie’s chalk board
A math dream equation he makes
And at his reasoning, Amita is floored.

He’s using activation synthesis theory
To analyze his dream about his dead mama
He’s hoping that math can answer his query.
Admitting it’s his first dream, adds to the drama.

Amita’s trying to keep it all professional
Referencing Harvard’s REM sleep Study
And Charlie wants her job confessional
(I swear there’s more UST between House and Cuddy. )

Trying to switch topics Amita focuses on the case
Before any more awkward conversation can take place!

The Third Victim

Over at the IHOF Megan and Colby find
New clues that clear Tom and they notice

The victim’s shoes are
On the wrong foot.

The lab gives Megan Carla’s clothes
Her (Carla’s) makeup was applied after death
Ew! The perp redressed the corpse!

The team regroups and share theories
He (the killer) is trying to show his kindness
Is it like a date, Colby asks
Remind me not to set you up with any of my friends, Megan snarks.
David brings news of another victim

Victim three is in the driveway, but not at her home
I guess the killer can’t use mapquest ?
Copy cat? Probably not, but much more rushed.
This random girl, picked up off the streets?
Is the killer becoming more reckless, Megan suggests
Megan is actually doing her job! Yay Megan!

i.h.o.f.: the math lesson (by e.e. cummings)
larry is researching real estate / charlie is researching carla
there has been no breakthrough

megan arrives (larry and megan say “hey” nothing more. shippers cry.)
amita is answering phone messages –
14 of 22 (8 left hey the recapper did math!)
charlie wants to determine the closeness of the victim and her callers
(that’s megan’s job i shout!)
larry says there’s a flaw in the methodology and charlie’s looking at too much.
To find a supernova, larry and amita muse, one must be specific.
“if i was looking for supernovae” charlie says (but can he spell supernovae?), he would.
megan provides the timeline – three weeks, which helps our hero charlie.
with the help of the product placement (a dyson vacuum) Charlie explains the victim’s life is like a tornado
and he must find its path.
where the victim’s like veered off course and turned into deathville.
rosencrantz and guildenstern get the news from megan.
the victim, injured while snowboarding, took up pilates.
i’m given more proof that exercise is really dangerous for me.
thank you numb3rs for giving me yet another excuse not to go to the gym.
it could kill me.

Colby’s Poem (Blank Verse)

At an all-female gym,
it is Colby’s dream
Too bad he must spend time
Looking for suspects
Not really hot bodies.
(Unless you subscribe
To Fandom’s theory
About our Colby.)
The Pilates teacher
Says Carla stayed late
To talk to the son of
Mrs. Charlotte Yates.
David and Colby
Learn that Mrs. Yates’
Car had got a ticket right
Near the victim’s home.
Sinclair and Granger go
To investigate.

Ode to the Eppes 05-06 House War

La Maison d’Eppes has felt empty
Over the last four years.
Alan is dreaming of his dead wife
(Or so she says, but who trusts a ghost?)
And the wife is here to mediate
In the Eppes House War.

Margaret points out the shelving,
Alan’s physical defense and
The trenches in the House War.
She reminds him it’s Charlie’s home now,
So why is he still there?
Is the mediator a spy for Charlie’s side?

“The House War must end,” she says.
(Of course, I may be dreaming this
Because everyone else is dreaming of her.)
He must move on; it’s not healthy.
Then she mocks the caterer.
And thus the ghost sends mixed signals.

Alan asks about the question.
Margaret says they knew to expect it.
Alan says they did the best they could.
“They’re very fine men,” she replies.
“They’re damn fine men!” I shout out. “Amen!”
Was that appropriate to shout at their mom?

Mama Eppes passes her love on to Don
But since she’s making appearances,
Why doesn’t she just go herself?
Talk about creating sibling rivalry!
I just hope she didn’t make her will
As uneven as her dream visitations!

In a moment of sadness, Margaret assures,
Her husband of many years,
That she wants him to find happiness.
“Then you shouldn’t have died,” Alan tells her. *Sniff.*

The exchange saves this from ultra cheesiness, but,
I wonder, is the House War really over?

Steel Magnolias

he very bitchy Mrs. Yates
Shops while her son waits
Because he’s her chauffeur
But who wants to drive her?
I guess he doesn’t get many dates.

Mrs. Yates is played by Olympia Dukakis
And her career seriously persists
In Steel Magnolias she was Clairee
To Julia Robert’s Shelby
And this limerick is some serious Swiss.

Mrs. Yates’ son Chandler
Needs his own money handler
Mommy turned off the money taps
So now he has to look for scraps,
Now who will handle Chandler?

Bad Vibrations (A Homage Not A Rip-off)

I love the rugged clothes Don wears
And the way the sunlight plays upon Megan’s hair
And the pair without a word
Lift their guns up to the air.

They’re picking up bad vibrations
They’re thinkin’ ‘bout Miranda recitations.
They’re picking up bad vibrations
The girl in the bikini’d give Colby excitations

They’re picking up bad vibrations
And Chandler’s looking for perfect wave formations.

Can’t close their eyes
They’re closer to the perp now
Softly while, Don checks the house thoroughly
Colby calls because he spies
Chandler Yates’ secret world.

They’re picking up bad vibrations
They’ve exposed the den of sin to the nation
They’re picking up bad vibrations
Colby, David and Don, would Chandlers fixation.
Bad, bad, bad, bad, vibrations.

i.h.o.f.: see you fry (by: e.e. cummings)

chandler, not the one from friends, is molesting some poor unsuspecting victim.

“wanna watch?” he asks the camera.
“wanna see you fry,” and megan means it.

The Bar Scene

////////Don said
/////////To the
////////Bartender,
////////“Have you
////////seen this
////////guy?” The
///bartender agrees he
//saw Chandler talking to
the waitress, Lindsay Fuller.
David and Don go talk to her
and she just sings Chandler’s
praises, even when the Feds
tell her about the allegations.

he says the women making
The allegations are so wrong.
Chandler’s a nice guy. Don
and David are suspicious of
Lindsay as they never said
what the allegations were,
plus, clearly has low self-

esteem and a school-girl crush.
She denies knowing where he
is. The Feds don’t believe that
either. The end of the scene.

i.h.o.f.: colby & megan (by: e.e. cummings)

watching the dvds the pair learn that chandler’s had about a dozen different “friends.”
none of whom would remember him (but would phoebe remember him anyway?)
they were drugged.
none of the victims on the dvds were killed.
according to megan, the killing started once mommy cut off the money.
colby figures that to chandler, is was like cutting off something else.
millions of males cringe in sympathy.

Cal Sci: The Absurdity of Larry not another rip-off

There are strange things done in the name of fun
By the men with minds of gold
And Cal Sci profs have their secret tales
That would make you think, are they 12 years old?
Charlie Eppes has seen strange sights
But the strangest he ever did see
Was the preparation for the physics food fight,
By the man we call Larry.

Now the dream of Charlie Eppes was the topic that arose.
Why Margaret made pancakes, which Don likes, God only knows.
The math wasn’t explaining his dream, as far as Charlie could tell
But Larry thinks it’s his feelings upon which he should dwell.

When his father is shot, Charlie’s loneliness would prevail
But Larry thinks Charlie needs to find meaning in his tale.
“Numbers may be abstract, Charles, nevertheless they are objective,” is Larry’s plea.
But dreams’ meanings are only for the dreamer to eventually see.

There are strange things done in the name of fun
By the men with minds of gold
And Cal Sci profs have their secret tales
That would make you think, are they 12 years old?
Charlie Eppes has seen strange sights
But the strangest he ever did see
Was the preparation for the physics food fight,
By the man we call Larry.

i.h.o.f: spree killer (by e.e. cummings)

chandler’s girlfriend monica kicked him out of the beach house
and now he’s on the run.
colby wants to freeze all chandler’s monetary assets
but megan says that’s wrong and will turn him into a spree killer.
of course it’s a bad idea.
colby thought of it.
the feds must talk to olympia dukakis again.

Steel Magnolias: The Sequel

Colby and Megan play the card labeled “cost”
But the response to that is just frost.
Olympia is wary
As her son’s broke scary
But agrees because all her wealth would be lost.

The families of the victims would probably sue
If Olympia did not do all she could do.
The feds will come to the cash drop.
For this killer they must stop.
So this chase will soon be through.

The Last Act Of The Season (A Subliminal Message Poem)
The team is tracking down Chandler
By watching his mom in the park.
She’s gone to give him some money
But she’s not alone after dark.

Olympia’s looking worried while being
Approached by a person who is hoodie-attired.
But Megan, Colby and David are watching.
With them Olympia has conspired.

At a house across town
Don’s pulled up to investigate

He calls in to contact his team
Thereby, his position to relate.

He’s at 355 Parker Street
And his call sign is 3695
He wants his team notified
So they’ll check he’s still alive.

At the park the hooded suspect
Takes the money and leaves
He or she is moving quickly
With the quietness of thieves.

Gun drawn, Don approaches the door
Of Lindsay Fuller’s house
Calls in an assault in progress

By Chandler Yates, the louse.

Megan, Colby and David chase the suspect
And catching him, what good luck.
Wait! It’s Lindsay Fuller!
Not Chandler? What the fuck?!

The real Chandler is stalking Don
In a dangerous chase.
The lights are off, the house is dark
My heart’s at twice it’s usual pace.

Out of the dark with a hot shot needle
Chandler suddenly attacks
But Don gets off a couple of rounds
So it will be a pulse Chandler lacks.

Back at la Maison d’Epp<es
In the math garage
Charlie’s having one last moment
With his mom mirage.

Margaret Eppes compared>
Her husband and youngest son
They both are so sure of themselves
So unlike her and Don.

Charlie’s figured out his question
He finally got a clue
And believe it not, this question
Doesn’t have the answer 42!

“Do you regret it?”
“Having to take care of me?”
She tells him she knows she doesn’t.
She did what’s best for Don and Charlie.

Before finally disappearing into the great abyss,
One last piece of advice from mother,
Don is who is he is because of 3 people
Of course, Mom and Dad, but Charlie is the other.

Don is as the dinner table
Writing his report and taking a drink,
But is the beer really a very good idea?
Not very bright, I should think.

Charlie takes his mom’s advice
And assures Don he’s not alone
And tells him La Maison D’Eppes
Will always be his home.

In a quietly momentous scene
The brothers’ roles reverse
Charlie’s taking care of Don!
(Why didn’t I use free verse?)

Alan enters in on the sweet moment
Together the three fill out the shooting form
Meanwhile in the backgournd we hear
Bob Dylan’s “Shelter From the Storm.”

The show’s almost over!
With one last thing I must tell;
When the Eppes write the report
I hope they don’t let Charlie spell.

Before the final fade out of the season
The camera turns and pans
On a family photoshop signifying
The season’s end for us fans!