rewind, recap, regurgitate: short-attention span television and the single girl

I was so excited about finally catching up with Oxygen's "The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency". Truly and seriously, I was gonna sit down with my VCR (remember VCRs? they're like DVRs but they use these things called "video tapes") and recap that, "The Hills", "The Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Fresh Meat". Maybe even through the season premier of "Making the Band" just for giggles.

BUT! I was foiled yet again. While previously it was out-of-state travel that kept me from my regularly scheduled programming, this time it was the Brits and their pal, New York Times television critic Virginia Heffernan. If she hadn't written a glowing piece about "Hex", a British horror drama that scratches that itch otherwise satisfied by "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and "Veronica Mars", I would have been able to settle down with Miss Janice, Miss LC, the Real World/Road Rules has-beens and P. Diddy, and finally recap it to the satisfaction of my editors. As it was, I spent an hour Thursday flipping between episodes 1 and 2 of "Janice" while watching episode 2 of season 1 of "Hex" on BBC America, texting with my friend Jacinda about how we'd always wondered what it was like to be a lesbian ghost who still got to hang out with her living best friend, a teen witch at an appropriately spooky-looking English boarding school.

So it's bullet-points for you guys -- at least until next week, when I finally get my DVR.

"The Hills" (eps 2 and 3): Neither Lauren nor Whitney get busted for admitting Heidi and friends to the Teen Vogue party. Heidi meets promoter Brent Bolthouse at LAX and gets an interview. But what about school, Heidi? While Lauren gets up in time to make classes the next day, Heidi emphatically does not. She tells Lauren that night that if she gets the gig with Bolthouse, she's quitting school. Though Heidi, in her interview with Brent, would seem to conceal (just barely) her love for the drama that Brent himself hates, she still gets the job.

"The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency" (eps 1 and 2): I can see how Janice could get frustrated enough to leave "America's Next Top Model". All those hours spent behind a long table, having to watch Tyra Banks's bewigged head as she sent aspiring models back home or on their way to becoming America's. Next. Top. Model. How could she fully act out, yelling at her staff and consulting with her gays, if Tyra was running the show? Those of you who saw season 5 of "The Surreal Life" saw how much fun a Janice Dickinson freakout could be. And she doesn't disappoint in her new show -- from the pink-and-black vaguely Kelly Osbourne-esque decor of the agency's storefront office to the way she summons her new assistant ("Jeff West!" followed by two brisk claps), Janice is working her "I'm totally insane and plastic but I'm right, bitches!" schtick, and it's working for me. Like ANTM, there are teary models and stupid people (hello, triplets). But unlike ANTM, there are hot guys. Yay.

"Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Fresh Meat" (eps 3 and 4): Diem has ovarian cancer. The Austin couples are still annoying. Coral and Evan with challenge 3 but decide to lose 4 on purpose to give it to another team. So it's off to Exile for Ryan and Melinda... and Wes and Casey, as Wes asked his teammates to send him in place of his sweetheart Johanna. Aw... but seriously? If I were Casey? I'd be pissed. But whatevs. Exile is pretty much the same as the last -- race with luggage and puzzles. Though Ryan and Melinda solved the first puzzle, the didn't grab the flag they need to cross the finish line. So it's Wes and Casey who come out on top, and return to the house. Wes, having survived all of two Exiles, feels that he is invincible. His housemates -- less so.

Britney Spears on "Nightline" -- Girl looked a hot mess. Also, I found her to be unconvincing when defending her marriage, her ability to mother, and her choice to put the music on hold until her children are a bit older. I can't feel sorry for someone who tearfully demands privacy and respect when she and her husband had a totally boring reality show on UPN. Then and now, Britney asks if we can handle her truth. The truth is she's stuck in a marriage to a man whose only talent seems to be impregnating young women then leaving them. She's getting replaced in the market by younger and blonder women (and maybe a few men). She seemingly has a lot of anger about the paparazzi, but none of the fire that could inspire her, I don't know, do something to get them away. Matt asked her what it would take for the paparazzi to leave her alone. Britney tearfully admitted that she didn't know. I confess that I don't have an answer for that either, but I can tell you that it would probably help if she could learn how to drive without her baby in her lap, cut down on the trips to Starbucks, and commit to wearing shoes in public.