Sexyback Fat: Live-blogging the MTV Video Music Awards

All times Central (because I live in Chicago) unless otherwise noted.

7:04 pm: JT and Timbo are performing "Sexyback" for the screaming hordes at Radio City. The roommate and I are digging the suits -- shiny!

7:08 pm: "It's about to get a whole lot hotter!" Jack Black's in his dressing room, wearing the MTV Moonman suit, talking the talk, walking the walk. So how is he going to hit the stage?

7:10 pm: JB appears on stage, breaking through a picture of himself, tearing off the Moonman suit to reveal an Elvis-style white jumpsuit. Why is he skipping?

7:11 pm: "The entertainment cannon's gonna blow the sky!" I'm already kinda bored.

7:12 pm: Montel Williams? Nevermind -- The Raconteurs perform "White Light / White Heat" with Lou Reed. Yay -- musicians playing real instruments! Love it.

7:14 pm: Lil' Kim! Looking lovely in an orange jumpsuit (ha!) which she tears off to reveal a sexy (not skanky) outfit. I almost don't recognize her without one of her breasts exposed. Kim presents the award for Best Male Video to... James Blunt for "You're Beautiful". James is sufficiently succinct, which is good considering everybody I know is tired of hearing that damn song. I like sincerity as much as the next girl, but come on! That plaintive Brit boy in the snow act has got to go.

7:19 pm: MTV/ET VJ Vanessa Minnillo ad-libs us to commercial. As a Filipino, I cheer on her half-Filipino self. Mabuhay!

7:24 pm: Jack Black intros Best Hip-Hop Video presenters, André 3000 and some gorgeous woman whose name I didn't catch. The winner is... Black Eyed Peas for "My Humps". Kanye West, who had been nominated for "Gold Digger", looks sufficiently good-natured in his seat. But let's hear it for another half-Filipino, Apl.de.ap of BEP! Woot woot! You can't keep the brown man down!

7:29 pm: The Rock (yummy) intros Shakira and Wyclef to perform "Hips Don't Lie". Shaki's in hot pink silk, there are dancers in orange sari-like costumes, Wyclef in a spangled top -- why didn't they do the whole Bollywood production number you just know they should have done?

7:34 pm: The boys of Jackass 2: The Movie remind viewers to cast their vote for the Viewer's Choice Award while torturing each other (okay, just Bam) with an old WWII field phone. Juvenile. Kinda stupid. But bwahahahahahahahahaha!

7:36 pm: Commercial for MTV Tres -- for real? First MTV Chi, now this -- is MTV trying to get the brown and the yellow man away from their core Caucasian target demo? And people thought the next season of Survivor with its racial segregation was gonna be rough.

7:45 pm: 50 Cent and LL Cool J take the stage to present Best Female Video. Clips of nominated videos play, along with some random live mike that I've been hearing all throughout the broadcast -- first some backstage crew, then maybe LL on stage? These technical glitches are confusing. The winner is Kelly Clarkson -- really? She beat Shaki? Whatever.

7:46 pm: Lil' John intros Ludacris who, along with Pharrell, walks out of an oversized safe onto a stage populated by dancers from the planet Booty-tastic to perform "Need a Boss". All the green and gold reminds me of Bishop Don Magic Juan which I imagine is the point. Oh, and the Pussycat Dolls join in for the last verse.

7:49 pm: Sarah Silverman riffing kinda drily on Lance Bass. Um, yeah, not so funny, but girlfriend either has the best makeup artist on Earth or virtually non-existent pores.

7:57 pm: The Raconteurs welcome us back from commercial. Jack Black blathers on about the viewer pics being sent in when Kyle Gass appears in a bootleg moonman costume. JB gently explains that while he may be Jared Leto, KG is 30 Seconds to Mars. Sad, but true.

7:59 pm: Jessica Simpson slinks on, rocking a lovely blonde bob (is it a wig, or isn't it? only she and Ken Paves know for sure), to present Best Dance Video. Oooh. I would love Nelly Furtado to win for "Promiscuous"... but the Pussycat Dolls get it for "Buttons". I guess in this particular category actual musical ability does not seem to count, yes? Though I must give up the love for another half-Flip, PCD's lead (and perhaps only) vocalist, Nicole Scherzinger. Mabuhay!

8:05 pm: Chris Brown is so cute, but isn't he total jailbait? Damn. He brings on OK Go doing "Here It Goes Again" on the treadmills, and dammit if they don't KILL. Yay! Love them. As far as I'm concerned, I've seen all I needed to see, but there is something like, what, five hours left? Dang.

8:14 pm: Shaun White intros another clip of the Jackass boys, where Steve-O permits a lobster to clasp onto his tongue.

8:15 pm: Paris Hilton appears, clad in a meringue, to introduce The All-American Rejects performing "Move Along". Teenagers in the suburbs are singing along and waving lighters in the air while I ponder going to the kitchen for another popsicle.

8:19 pm: Nick Lachey and Nicole Richie to rescue me from my angst boy rock nightmare. They look fantastic together -- Nicole's bangs are flawless. They present Best Pop Video to... Pink for "Stupid Girls". Is it just me or did she look kinda pissed when she heard her name called? Or was she thinking "Holy shit, I wrote that song to make fun of girls just like Nicole Richie and now I have to collect my Moonman from this chick who is like their queen?" Hello, awkward!

8:27 pm: John Norris, who seems to belong to the Jewel school of thought on corrective dentistry, shows viewers some behind-the-scenes shots of the show we are watching. Fascinating.

8:30 pm: Snoop presents the award for Best Rap Video to Chamillionaire for "Ridin'". Yawn.

8:34 pm: Sirens and what-not, all for Beyoncé, who drops from the ceiling in a trench coat and thigh high boots to perform "Ring The Alarm", duh. She sings! She yells! She is "restrained" by backup dancers in riot gear. Oooh, I bet she's in trouble... for being fabulous! Seriously, the performance feels a bit stale, if only because I've seen this dancing for years in Janet Jackson videos. Now the coat comes off to reveal that Beyoncé appears to be wearing Lil' Kim's corset. How nice -- the ladies are reusing and recycling!

8:44 pm: Sarah Silverman is still in the makeup chair, this time telling viewers not to do drugs. And it looks like Gnarls Barkley won Best Direction for "Crazy", Shakira won Best Choreography for "Hips Don't Lie", and Missy Elliott's "We Run This" won Best Special Effects.

8:46 pm: Diddy appears, first to give a shout-out to Danity Kane and then to introduce T.I. performing "What You Know?". There is a huge Elvis-style sign reading KING on the stage behind him. There are also a corps of multi-culti children in the background, clapping hands and stuff. Aw.

8:52 pm: Amy Lee? She's so 2003. She and Jared Leto appear to present the award for Best Group Video. Which I feel should go to Gnarls Barkley, because they are geniuses and I love them, but will probably go to Red Hot Chili Peppers, who I also love but probably not quite as fervently as I currently love GB. The winners are... The All-American Rejects. Insert eye-roll here.

9:02 pm: Barbadian hottie Rihanna and some short man in a fedora present an award for (in all seriousness) Ringtone of the Year. I myself have EODM's "I Want You So Bad (Boy's Bad News)" but they're not even nominated. Boo. Winner is Fort Minor's "Where'd You Go". Aw, Mike Shinoda's so cute. Note to self: must find some non-Asian to father my children so that they will be adorable hapa.

9:06 pm: Panic! At The Disco. "I Write Sins Not Tragedies". It looks like a Tim Burton cartoon, a road I've been down before. It's not unpleasant, but it doesn't feel fresh, either.

9:09 pm: JB intros BEP's Fergie, who wears a new-for-fall wide black headband. To help her present Best New Artist in a Video, she brings out Abigail Breslin to Rick James's "Superfreak". Which, if you haven't seen Little Miss Sunshine yet, is not nearly as funny as it should be. But I've seen it,and I am appropriately amused. The winner is... Avenged Sevenfold for "Bat Country". Take a good look, ladies, because I am pretty sure that after this night we will probably never see this band on television again.

9:20 pm: JB thinks he and Jack White should start a band. JW seems less than pleased by this idea. Cut to Britney Spears and Kevin Federline backstage, wondering where their baby is. Ha ha ha? They end up doing the nominations for Best R&B video. How this relates to their baby, who knows... and who cares. Winner is Beyoncé feat. Slim Thug for "Check On It". Beyoncé's hair looks flawless after her energetic performance earlier. She must get the good extensions.

9:24 pm: Kanye in a YSL t-shirt! Beautiful. Love it. He pays tribute to Hype Williams, with a medley's of Hype's hypest: "Juicy". "Flava In Ya Ear". "Hate Me Now". "California Love". "Big Pimpin'". "Mo' Money, Mo' Problems". And then the dancers from the video for Busta's "Put Your Hands Where My Eyes Can See". Busta in a gold lamé robe and headwrap -- love it! He takes the stage to perform a snippet of PYHWMECS. Then Missy appears to do "The Rain" in the inflatable jumpsuit! Even rockin' the old short hair do, with Timbaland to lend support. After all this, Hype himself appears, wearing a lovely suit and a bald-ass head, to receive the Video Vanguard award. He is gracious and humble in his acceptance, which is so lovely.

9:34 pm: Sarah Silverman appears with a special message for Paris Hilton. "You seriously need to lose weight." Blather blather blather. "I want you to be happy. And thin." Thanks, Sarah.

9:42 pm: Back from commercial, Christina Aguilera sings her ballad "Hurt". Still in the midst of her Marilyn Monroe moment, she wears her white blond hair in marcel-like waves, with bright red lipstick matching a long gown which looks as though it is made out of whatever was used to make the ruby slippers in "The Wizard of Oz". Seriously.

9:47 pm: Pink and Lou Reed appear, to the strains of (naturally), "Take A Walk on the Wild Side". They present Best Rock Video to AFI for... best eyeliner? No, the song is "Miss Murder", though I think that if all the nominated bands in this category decided to get together to open a beauty academy, I'd seriously think about going.

9:52 pm: Raconteurs play with Billy Gibbon of ZZ Top. Is it just me, or have the Raconteurs been providing the best music all freakin' night? Yeah, I thought so.

9:57 pm: Okay, from my count all we've got left is Viewer's Choice and Video of the Year, then I can go to sleep (hey, once you hit 30, 10:00 pm is late night, dig?). Black Eyed Peas then Kyle Gass start babbling until they are interrupted by JB, who is all "You're not a Black Eyed Pea!" and KG's all "Yes, I am!" so JB stomps backstage to find JT. He cries until KG finds him, they reaffirm their friendship and commitment to bringing the thunder, and that was two minutes wasted of a show that is running LOOOONG. The nice thing, though, is that they take the stage as Tenacious D to perform. Yay! But the show is almost over.

10:02 pm: Jackass boys -- between the dozen of them, don't they own enough shirts to clothe them all? I shrug. They present Viewer's Choice (finally!) to Fall Out Boy for "Dance, Dance". They all look so tiny, as famous men tend to do, that Wee Man almost looks statuesque. is that guy from Fall Out Boy wearing a cape?

10:06 pm: Queen Latifah blathers on about saving the planet to respectful (if tired) applause, then introduces Vice President Al Gore. Yay! Al looks great, almost like Johnny Cash in an all-black suit. He explains that many of tonight's performers are 25 this year -- thanks, way to make my 30 year old self feel like a total failure -- and that in their lifetime the planet's condition has gotten worse.

10:10 pm: More commercials! Argh! Also, shots backstage of: Jennifer Lopez looking like Aretha Franklin on the cover of "Sparkle". Axl Rose -- scary. Christina Aguilera in another sparkly dress, probably on her way back to her seat.

10:16 pm: The Raconteurs play "Video Killed The Radio Star", then J-Lo appears looking like she's been shrink-wrapped in glittery lycra. She promotes MTV Tres, then presents Video of the Year to... Panic! At The Disco for "I Write Sins Not Tragedies". Okay. Whatever.

10:22 pm: Axl Rose takes the stage to... I dunno. He shrieks, then introduces The Killers, who I pray are the last act of the night.

10:27 pm: JB's does the thank you's for the night, and says good night. And I say, good riddance. Blech.