Numb3rs: Spree (Episode 301)

It's September, that great month of expectations and firsts. It's the first day of a new school year, with a new wardrobe, new metaphors to explain math to me the mathematically challenged and, the most important item in relation to the show, new hair!

Our first set of new grid numbers for the season: 17 Days, 11 Robberies, 8 States, 2 Lovers

On The Road Again: We fade in on a couple in a red convertible, traveling down the open highway with "Just Married" written on the bumper. The young man pulls one lone bill out of the cup holder, which garners the response, "Richer or poorer baby," from his other half, a much older woman.

"Just like the midget Elvis preacher said," the young man responds. Really, a midget Elvis preacher? Why couldn't we have seen that? The sad part is that the writers weren't making up the idea. Although, in the future, writers please take note that a wedding featuring a midget Elvis preacher would be an awesome way to start any season. (Also a sure way to beat Grey's Anatomy! Do you hear me CSI?!)

The couple pulls into a hole in the wall diner, where, whatever denomination of bill they have left should definitely give them a house special plus beverages but instead of sitting down and ordering like normal people, they hold it up. After shooting the patrons and the person behind the counter, they make off in a BMW, leaving behind the "Just Married" convertible.

Later, as indicated by the fade in of a police car and two Fedcake SUV's, David, Colby and another Fedcake do the walk of exposition filling us in on the details of the robbery.  The two suspects managed to steal only 122 dollars, and a BMW. 122 dollars and a car? What a regular Bonnie & Clyde (Clyde, by the way, being a much better name than Bucky).

Once inside the hole in the wall diner, I realize the third Fedcake is Don! It took me this long to figure that out, which makes me either really unobservant or ridiculously stupid; please don't tell me which. All it took to confuse me is one haircut. I hope Charlie isn't as unrecognizable.

Megan is already inside the diner, reading poetry Clyde left etched on the freezer door that holds the bean burritos, "Our love is like a flower // It grows with every hour." Megan is way too mature to mock such mad poetry skillz so, I'll follow her lead and not mention that I've met 10 year olds who could produce a better poem. There was a reason why Bonnie Parker was the poetry writer. Maybe our '06 Bonnie and Clyde should follow suit.

"At least it rhymes this time," says one of the first of the two coolest guest stars this series has, Lou Diamond Phillips Agent Ian Edgerton. (The other being Will Patton , and I so think LDP's appearance was calling him out on who is truly the coolest guest star. Now, Mr. Patton , what are you going to do in response. What? I know; it's a vain attempt to create the coolest guest star stand-off in network television history but I at least have to try.) Oh Edgerton, you're too cool not to know that good poetry doesn't have to rhyme!

Agent Edgerton fills in the Fedcakes about Bonnie and Clyde. They are Crystal Hoyle and Bucky "Bean Burrito Eater" Winters. (That's a far better nickname than "The Yellow Dart.") While Edgerton's been tracking them, he's glad to have the help of fellow fedcakes.

Internation House of Fedcakes: In the very first scene of the season at the IHOF, the extra-squicky(technical term) meter is set off by the description of our suspects. Bonnie was a high school history teacher judging by the poetry, we would've known she wasn't an English teacher and had been sleeping with Clyde since the homecoming game. When Clyde's father found out about the affair, 3895749 (actual number) rounds were pumped into his chest. This is widely known as the easiest way to avoid lawsuits, although the cleanup’s a bitch. Edgerton, has been chasing them, but to no avail.

"The only thing a teacher ever gave me was detention," Colby complains. Poor Colby! He's certainly not lived the full life of fictional character on prime time if at least one teacher didn't try to sleep with him. The other things a teacher must do to a fictional character on prime time is here. Please note the fictional part of that statement.

At least our Bonnie wasn’t a totally law abiding citizen before discovering the lure of a 17 year old penis (just the act of typing that sets off the squicky-meter), she was arrested on a drug charge in 1992, In Los Angeles, and the school board in Texas missed it.

Edgerton comments that he can't quite connect the dots on the path Bonnie and Clyde are following, but he has a hunch they're planning on returning to the L.A. area. Don tries to oblige him by putting out alerts on the couple and going to find the missing dot.

Cal Sci: In the first scene of the season in Charlie's office, Don panics when he sees Larry about to hit a cement block with a sledgehammer, the cement block which is currently lying on top of Don's baby brother. Now, what is Charlie lying on? A bed of nails silly! What else would he be lying on? Did you expect him to be trying to get up and run away like any other normal person? It's good for you, really; it's like aerating your lawn.

Don is clearly imaging the 742 holes about to be put into Charlie and trying to explain this to Alan. "Uh, Dad, you know how Charlie always wanted a piercing?"

Edgerton, for all his good instincts, isn't sure about the situation either, so Larry and Charlie go into a long explanation about how with the even distribution of the weight and the protection from the great armor of physics, Charlie is perfectly safe. While Larry proceeds to demonstrate, Don and Edgerton are still all WTF, as while the physics and math may be correct, there is an important variable not taken into consideration, Larry's aim with the sledgehammer.

Even with the new hair cut, Charlie would not look as good if Larry missed the cinderblock.

All of this was done for Larry to earn "The unwavering attention and faith of my Physics Class." So I guess another theme of this episode is terrible ideas for teaching methodologies? Can you imagine the homework? "Now class, please try this at home. Remember, if you get the calculations wrong, you'll be arrested for manslaughter."

Once the not perforating Charlie experiment is over, thus ending the first weird thing Larry and Charlie do together this season, (Don't read too deeply into that) Don explains the real purpose of the visit, to get Charlie to help plot the movements of Bonnie and Clyde.

Edgerton makes some crack about math voodoo, and since we all know how Charlie feels about anything supernatural, he puts on his snotty-arrogant shirt and mocks Edgerton's skepticism about math being useful in crime-fighting. The only thing he doesn't say is, "This show is called Numb3rs you know!"

Studying the map for a moment, Charlie asks about a dot (of a robbery, sighting or killing) that he thinks might be missing from Wyoming. At Don's suggestion that Charlie just had a hunch, Charlie puts on his justification socks and spouts off about hypotheses, mathematical theorems and intuitive synthesis.

Edgerton cuts him off, "Knowledge plus a guess? Where I come from, that's a hunch." Oh snap! Charlie's got to put on his humble underpants now!

Fade to... commercial? Excuse me? No opening credits? I don't recall; when do we use math? What for? Poor Colby, he’s finally made a regular fedcake and on his first show he doesn't even get an opening sequence.

IHOF: Megan is analyzing Bonnie and Clyde with the help of Colby. It's clear from the video of the diner robbery that Bonnie's got all the control and Clyde is just the typical teenage thrill killer. Bonnie, on the other hand, is way more messed up (technical behaviouralist term) and from her history, running away at 15, getting busted for drugs, and even getting caught having an affair with Clyde wasn't a serious enough trigger. Unable to yet come up with an answer, Megan's distracted by Colby not understanding what a 30 year old woman would see in a 17 year old sport jock.

"That's a question only a 30 year old man would have to ask," and it's the first crack at Colby's intelligence of the season and it wasn't done by me. Although, as the implication means that Megan understands the appeal of a 17 year old, also makes it the first Numb3rs Painfully Awkward Line™ of the season. Why? Because it was painfully awkward for me to hear someone as admirable as Megan say it.

Back in the bullpen, David, continuing his character development as "ultimate researching machine" has found the dot Charlie's "hunch" thought should be on the map, a robbery in Wyoming. While the suspects fit Bonnie and Clyde's description, as the robbery wasn't signed with a piece of poetry even Hallmark wouldn't touch, it wasn't flagged as a possible job.

Downtown L.A.: Clyde is showing his age as he's enthusing about seeing the beach and the "place with the cement footprints." Bonnie is in another world as she pulls up in front of a Porsche dealership. Just planning on a test-drive, right?

La Maison d'Eppes: In the first truly family moment of the season, Don comes to mooch food as usual stops in at the family abode to find his father looking over information on condo developments.

At first, Alan insists it's for investment purposes but admits it's really due to the fact he hasn't lived alone for 40 years. There are still a few things on his life's to-do list, and some of them require him to be alone. This makes perfect sense as it would be inconvenient to host a massive orgy with your youngest son potentially walking in at any minute.

Having an acute understanding of Charlie's personality, Alan asks Don not to say anything. Being the supportive elder son he is, Don asks his father to get a condo with a tennis court. Alan is taken aback because he doesn't play tennis.

"Yeah, but I do," Don replies, giving millions hope of a future episode where Don plays tennis in teeny-tiny tennis shorts.

Porsche Dealership: As the boss closes up for the night, he is confronted by Bonnie and Clyde. Clyde is convinced they're just planning on stealing the boss' car but, surprise, surprise, the boss recognizes Bonnie. As a tear slides down her cheek, she kills him.

Clyde is all concerned that Bonnie's been keeping secrets, and she comforts him with "All you need to know is you have my heart." He totally buys it, thus proving that teenage boys will believe anything as long as sex is a guarantee later.

Alter at the dealership, Megan is filling Edgerton in on the victim, Pierce Brenner. Edgerton sees the constant switching of cars as sensible, given Bonnie and Clyde’s desire to avoid capture, but to Megan, it doesn't make sense behaviourally. Finding a discarded wrapper, Edgerton deduces that they were watching Brenner beforehand, another new twist in the behaviour pattern. Finally, as this crime wasn't signed, it's showing a distinct change in the couple's modes operandi.

From the evidence, Megan concludes that Bonnie must be trying to erase all of her bad memories from her last time in Los Angeles because, as Megan says, "Bad memories last a long time." Sounding as if she might actually understand Bonnie's desire to erase the bad spots in her life, Megan now gives us the second parallel between herself and Bonnie. (The first being the overly creepifying understanding of lusting after 17 year olds. Ew!)

Fancy Restaurant: Amita and Charlie are having dinner at a place where "uncomfortable meals" is an entire section of the menu. Babbling on about the case, Charlie is trying to make sure Amita can't tell him what he fears is the message of this dinner, that she's accepted the job at Harvard. Proving that she hasn't examined the most recent study on the matter , Amita says that she's accepted Cal Sci's offer. What is surprising is the delivery of this news, as she sounds like she's just announced she's been diagnosed with terminal cancer.

Charlie is much happier about the news and showing a bit of company loyalty, says that Cal Sci has a far superior programme.

It is at this moment that Amita orders from the "Desserts That Ruin Characters" menu and says that not only is it a good opportunity for her, but it's a good opportunity "for us." (For Charlie and Amita that is, not Amita and myself. She's not my type.) Did an intelligent beautiful woman just admit that she took a job to be with a man? Yes, she dis. Feminists everywhere are sporking out their eyeballs. (That's on the menu at this restaurant too, under the "Serve Yourself" section.)

It's now Charlie's turn to look like he's being tortured, as Amita goes on about how their relationship has stopped and started and stopped again over the past few years.

Yeah, well, when that happens with a car, we scrap it. When it happens with a computer, we beat it with a sledgehammer. When a relationship stops and starts, it means that it's probably doomed for failure! Why can two such intelligent people not see this?

Charlie kisses her and makes a noncommittal "let's see what happens" statement.

La Maison d'Eppes: Hearkening back to "Sniper Zero" Alan and Larry are playing metaphorical chess. They are discussing ways to tell Charlie that Alan wants to move out. Alan is certain that Charlie won't accept the change well, considering that even the idea of anyone moving out of the house, caused Charlie to buy it.

Larry has a differing opinion, thinking that the time spent with the fedcakes has allowed him to mature to the point he always has to live with his father grow as a person. I wonder which one is right? Clearly Alan, otherwise he wouldn't be the Charlie we know and love.

Changing the subject of where he plans on living, Alan asks Larry where he's been staying since selling his old house.

Larry tries to nicely explain his current hoboesque lifestyle, as he's been sleeping in his office, car and friends' sofas. (Some have even suggested that he sleeps in his LIGO lab. Alan's not too sure that the homeless lifestyle would go over with Megan, but Larry tries to be all moronic manly because he says he needs a "firewall" between his romantic aspirations and his greater life goals. Since a firewall is meant to keep out unwanted intruders and viruses, what exactly is he implying about Megan and can we please see her reaction when she hears about it?

Alan, realizing Larry's clearly wearing his assholic shirt today, gives him the same advice he gives to all the geniuses he knows, "Don't be an idiot."

Surveillance Back Alley: Megan checks in with David, who is watching a Lydia Campos. She was Bonnie's bestest pal when they were busted together for drugs in 1992.

Helping the fedcakes, Bonnie calls Lydia and they talk about specifics such as "the thing" and "the other thing" and the call is traced to a payphone.

Now Abandoned Payphone: Edgerton and Colby find the phone off the hook and no Bonnie in sight. What they do find is Pierce Brenner's Porsche with a body in the back. The body belongs to the owner of a 1978 Trans Am. Why isn't the "stealing only ultra-cool cars" not part of the couple's profile?

Meth Lab of DOOOOOM: Bonnie and Clyde are banging on the door and the cooks inside are less than willing to let them in. Only by standing in a puddle of highly flammable gasoline, does the cook at the door decide to open it. It's a bad idea, as he's rapidly blown away. Clyde picks up a bag of cash, as well as something from the ceiling, and Bonnie yells at the remaining cooks, "People like you screwing up kids, someone's children!" Uh pot, this is kettle you're both black or did you forget that you're screwing a 17 year old. There isn't a difference between "screwing up" and "screwing" when in comes to messing up children for life there sister.

Leaving the house, Bonnie feels like she's forgotten something. Oh yeah, it's torching the place, as she throws her lighter on the puddle of gasoline.

This must be the most solidly constructed house in Los Angeles because with gasoline and a meth lab to blow up the place, it's still standing. Megan, Don and Edgerton are examining the aftermath. Edgerton finds a boot print, but really, was that necessary, were the corpses not enough of a clue that Bonnie and Clyde had been there?

Megan theorizes that Bonnie must've once worked in the meth lab, as she could've been paid in product. This is vengeance with a huge (100-150 thousand dollar) payoff.

Don finds another surprise in the ceiling, an empty box of grenades and other such weapons. Between all of that in the house, plus the lab, plus the gasoline, someone needs to give that builder an award that the house is still intact!

La Maison d'Eppes: Alan and Charlie are sharing the second most uncomfortable meal of the episode and by the way Alan is intently staring at Charlie, he thinks he's spilled all over himself.

"I'm moving out," Alan blurts.

Charlie, taking it remarkably better than I Alan expected, accepts the decision and Alan's insistence that the reasons have nothing to do with Charlie himself.

In fact, Charlie even encourages Alan to go out and sow his wild oats. I guess Charlie doesn't want to walk in on the wild orgy either.

Cal Sci: Charlie is brooding over why he can't figure out why he knew there would be a dot in Wyoming. Hunch is not an acceptable answer. Trying to comfort him, Larry tells the story of Otto Levy, who discovered the answers to his scientific problem in a dream. As Charlie doesn't believe in things like that, it doesn't really help and it isn't really what's upsetting him.

Surprised to find out Larry already knew about Alan's plan to move out, Charlie reveals the last item weighing on his mind that he's lost a roommate but gaining a girlfriend. Uncertain of Amita's motives (dude, she practically said, "I'm staying here to jump your bones!") he's afraid that she'll want to move into his house and they won't work out and all sorts of other insecurities are gnawing at his brain.

Larry thinks that Charlie might be jumping the gun a little meanwhile demonstrating his ability to use extreme understatement, "I'm not one to determine the innermost workings of the female psyche." No kidding, considering what happened with Laurel Wilson!

Showing a bit more insight, Larry's thinking that Charlie's dug his own hole, because he chased Amita until she caught him.

IHOF: Speaking of the lovely Amita, here she is telling the story of the pursuit of Bonnie and Clyde, along with Charlie and Larry. With out first math-metaphor of the season, Charlie explains the pattern of pursuit. While Bonnie and Clyde are running, they are also trying to escape Edgerton's hot pursuit (pun intended). The two, the chased and the catcher's (not the pitcher and catcher, that's a whole other episode that only exists inside my head) paths cross at the missing Wyoming dot. Charlie says that with such pride like it's all, "take your 'hunch' and shove it, bitch," momentarily forgetting that Edgerton could kill him just using his little toe. The metaphor in question is that of a airplane dogfight, and that the chasing plane must aim ahead of the plane being chased, in order to eventually shoot the target.

Surveillance Back Alley: In the first meta moment of the season, we have the following exchange:

David: You get the feeling everybody's forgotten about us?
Colby: I get that feeling a lot.

Does that really need an explanation?

Poor Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, left alone in the van with nothing to do, then, suddenly it's the convenient plot-device phone call! As Lydia tries to convince Bonnie to leave town, Bonnie doesn't heed the advice, but has left her friend a present under the mailbox. What kind of job is David and Colby doing if, when observing a potential lead, the miss the bad guy leaving stuff in front of the house?

Don and Megan, who have been listening back at the IHOF, ignore Edgerton's advice and decide Lydia needs to be brought in for questioning.

IHOF: Megan's interviewing Lydia, we get the hard luck story of Bonnie's childhood. At 15 years old, Bonnie ran away because her parents were pressuring her for grades and wouldn't let her hang out with her friends. Oh, poor baby! Having parents who actually cared that she received a decent education and stayed out of trouble? All of this started over Bonnie's desire to hang out with her friends like every other teenager in Middle America? Way to be mediocre there Bonnie!

After running away, she was horribly abused (which here means he didn't leave his wife and run away with her, WTF did she expect?) by a married guy. After the married guy dumped her she took up with a druggie named Billy who got her into the life that led her to the arrest for drugs in 1992.

So what have we learned about Bonnie? Besides refusing to take any responsibility for her own actions even though she is 100 percent responsible for screwing up her life, she wants to track down Billy. Could she just win the Nummy Award now for dumbest criminal of the season?

In the bullpen, all the secrets about Bonnie's past life have been revealed. Pierce Brenner was the married guy who dumped her, and Billy Rivers has gone to ground for the past two days.

Megan's now got a clear profile of Bonnie. Not only is she erasing her past mistakes, but also she's living the fantasy of young, innocent love, with a young innocent teenage spree killer. It's a childhood fantasy fulfilled! (Because all normal people fantasize about this. Whatever.) Once the fantasy of the young innocent love was destroyed by being caught by Clyde's father, she decided to destroy everyone who made her life a mundane existence. This all means Billy Rivers is going to wind up dead, if the fedcakes don't find him first.

Montage of "Find the Guy Before Crazy Bitch Does" plays out over extremely irritating synthesizer music.

Cal Sci: Don and Edgerton arrive at Charlie's office, probably relieved to find no one attempting to kill Charlie with a chainsaw, the next logical step up from a sledgehammer. They want Charlie to take into account the movements of Billy Rivers in the pursuit curve equation.

Charlie changes his analogy to a dog chasing a cat chasing a mouse.

"I thought it was two 2 airplanes." Yes Edgerton, criminals are often captured faster when investigators don't change their analogies mid stream. Have you been hanging out with Colby?

Charlie explains how he'll have to alter the equations, but Edgerton just assumes that it's all Voodoo. No goats are safe when Charlie needs to write new mathematical expressions.

Montage of "Dramatic Mathematical Expression Writing" to cello music. Surprisingly, not one goat is harmed.

Amita interrupts the montage asking Charlie if he's ready to go. As if distracted by the cello music the desire to catch two dangerous criminals, he'd forgotten entirely about dinner.

Actually getting pissy about not being swept off her feet, Amita replies, "No Charlie, this is clearly more important." Whether or not it was originally intended to be pissy, it certainly came out that way. She tries to make up for it with a lame comment about everyone needing to eat again, so Charlie shouldn't worry about it, and she leaves, putting this scene out of its misery.

Secretly, I think Charlie forgot because he didn't want to have a third uncomfortable meal in this episode.

Random House: Colby is demonstrating yet another one of those skills he shouldn't have as a law-abiding fedcake, the ability to pick locks. (which is rapidly becoming a tradition on this show.) As he and David make their way through the house, we discover the real reason Colby wanted to enter the house so quietly, they come upon a couple having sex. Oh Colby, just go rent some porn.

The house, in fact, isn't random, it's Billy's cousin's house. Edgerton has some concerns about whether or not they're in the right spot, even though the math and the behavioural analysis says they are. To distract himself from waiting for the arrival of Bonnie and Clyde, Edgerton comments about how terrible it is that someone with all of Bonnie's advantages turns out a crazy child-molesting spree killer.

"I don't think she wanted advantages. She just wanted to see what was out there," Megan says a little too empathetically, showing yet another parallel between Bonnie and our favourite female fedcake.

In our second pot and kettle moment in this episode, Edgerton warns Megan about getting too deep into the criminal's heads. There's another element to this scene as well; it smells vaguely like UST. The SS Megan/Larry is under attack!

The 1978 Trans Am pulls up and Clyde (sans Bonnie) gets out and tries to break-in. As David is trying to arrest him, Clyde pulls a gun, and is shot in the arm by sniper-extraordinaire, Edgerton.

"Nice shot," Colby says.

"Better than he deserves," Edgerton replies. Remember what you just said about getting too deeply into the criminals' heads there?

IHOF: A bandaged up Clyde is being interviewed by Don and Megan. Clyde tries to play the hero and claim he was trying to protect Bonnie by killing Billy before she talks to him. He feels he owes her as she stood up for him against his father, even though he takes credit for killing him. "The things she's already been through in life." Yeah, cry me a fucking river.

Don and Megan try to appeal to his protective instincts and that he should help the Feds bring Bonnie in safely.

"You can't lock up a force of nature," Clyde insists. No, but it can it can bomb at the box office.

In the break room, Charlie is waiting to talk to Don, but not about the pursuit curve, as there's little more that can offer, but to have a repeat of the conversation he had with Larry. Again, he insists he's okay with the idea of Alan moving out of the house, but he still doesn't sound okay.

"Watch, he'll become a big stud," Don jokes. Maybe that orgy thing wasn't too far from reality.

Revealing that Amita has decided to stay, Don laments the loss of Bruins' Season's Tickets.

Charlie's response gives the entire fandom hope that the whole Charmita debacle with be euthanized, "Dude, I wasn't ever going to move to Boston," Charlie retorts. He even tacks on that he's not entirely sure he wants it. Hallelujah! Charlie obviously can't take his relationship with her too seriously. When the it finally dies, I'll bring the music for the wake; who'll bring the casserole?

Don tries to be supportive saying that relationships aren’t always what one first imagines them to be, then mentions the flag 'ship in my Numb3rs Fleet, the SS Don/Robin. He nicely even admits, if somewhat in a "I'm tought and therefore don't show my emotions" way, that he really likes Robin. See Charlie, that's how you talk about a woman you like.

Don summarizes the entire Charmita relationship, "There's only one thing that'll screw that up."

"A complete lack of chemistry? Me," Charlie replies. Well, could you hurry up on that?

As the Feds take Clyde away, Megan drives off, followed by Bonnie.

24 Hour Diner: Considering what happened at the last diner in this episode, it may not be the wisest place to eat, but here is my second 'ship for Numb3rs Megan/Larry, enjoying a late night meal together. They are musing about how the choices we make as teenagers affect us for the rest of our lives and Megan is showing just a tad too much empathy for Bonnie. The only difference is that Megan can live with her own mistakes. For once, Megan is wrong, Bonnie can live with her own mistakes, now, as for everybody else...

Larry proceeds to make up for his earlier "firewall" gaff and asks Megan how he feels about his current life as a hobo. Megan is far more tolerant in a boyfriend than most women, and says she's okay with it, and finds it sexy. In response, Larry compares her to the M57 Nebula, as she has "layers and layers of complexity." Who said astrophysics didn't provide excellent pick-up line opportunities?

Megan and Larry leave the bar, Megan invites him to come play hobo, arresting officer over at her place sometime soon. (Go ahead, get that image out of your head.)

Getting into her car, Megan is confronted by Bonnie, with a grenade. "What do you want to do, you want to live or you want to die?" Megan asks, trying to make a connection with her captor, who has taken her weapon, and purse from her. This is just more proof that Bonnie has truly lost it, as, out of all of the fedcakes, Megan is the most likely to throw her grenade of whoop-ass all over her. Waiting for a better opportunity to grind Bonnie's face into the ground, Megan is ordered into the car to drive Bonnie wherever she wants to go and the scene fades to black and the three worst words in any fans' language, "To Be Continued..."

Tune in next week when Larry's M57 Nebula goes supernova all over Bonnie. I can't wait.