Numb3rs: Fandom Math & Physics (Bonus Content)

Welcome to FIT (Fandom Institute of Talkology), where we have devoted ourselves to solving the math that is Numb3rs. FIT has a long-standing reputation in disciplines such as logic, (it’s more than formulas and equations) rationality, and using our minds to solve the biggest mysteries we know. (Or not.)

(An example of FIT’s work in logic: John Nash is brilliant. John Nash is a mathematician. John Nash is not entirely sane at all times. Spy is not exactly sane at all times. Therefore, Spy is a brilliant mathematician.)

The head professor, Spy, has spent much time (meaning here, the last couple months to fill the time since the season finale) trying to come up with obvious, workable equations, probability charts, and other such mathematically-sounding visual aids for the show we all know and love. Therefore, as is standard in all work at this high academic level, it must be judged and accepted by a peer group. Feeling the most knowledgeable Numb3rs fans conference here at FIT; it is obviously the place to present our ground-breaking discoveries.

Important Note: A few laws of physics were bent or broken during our work on this thesis. We feel this is justified and here we reference two great scholars as we “never studied law.”

Charlie’s hair is often believed an unsolvable problem, much like P vs. NP. The use of logic and keen observational skill had to be used, in conjunction with our mathematical prowess in order to solve the problem and we are here to proudly present the perfect hair equation. We at the FIT have discovered the ultimate equation to define the ratio of Charlie’s hair to faingirl swooning. Our analysis brings us back to one all important mathematical number, pi. What is the significance of pi in this equation? Charlie himself gave us the biggest clue in the solution to our problem as shown here.

pi x 1 1/2 + Y1 = Fangirl Swooning

< or > pi x 1x + 1 ? Fangirl Swooning

Therefore, the approximate length that Charlie’s hair should be, in order to receive the statically highest possible ratio of fangirl swooning, is 4.5 inches in length (curled). Of course, we at FIT recognize Charlie’s hair as a force of Nature, and consequently, not every strand in every curl can be this length. We understand that, like the number of shots Charlie can make as a basketball player, the regression to the mean must be 4.5 inches.

Therefore, the equation proves that all problems, even those like Charlie’s hair, can be solved with mathematics. Our next problem to tackle was proposed to us by the people residing in a small nunnery in Austria. They want to know, “How do you solve a problem like Maria?”

An Analysis of the Eppes’ 05-06 House War – Combatant Tactical Advantages

Sometimes in life, there are tragic events. Nothing is more tragic than a family torn apart by a war. In this war, two family members, Charlie and Alan Eppes, found themselves at odds over who technically and morally owned the Maison D’Eppes (AKA Casa Eppes). We here at FIT were asked to analyze the war in hopes of being able to determine each of the parties’ next moves in order to plan a counter assault that should end all future attacks.

We were hired by a third party who has a vested interest in the seeing this war, and the animosity between two family members end. We are uncertain as to this person’s identity, as he (or she) signs all of the documents Ned Spope. We at FIT believe this to be an anagram.

The official date of the start of the Eppes’ House War is Friday November 4, 2005. (Most know this date as associated with the Numb3rs fans’ cries of “remember, remember the 4th of November!”)

Note: The declaration was never made official, leading some to believe that the term Eppes’ House War is really a misnomer and it is actually a police action known as “Operation Fandom.” Some also speculate that the entire conflict was simply invented by our own Dr. Spy for humourous nefarious purposes. Let us here at FIT assure you that this is not the case.

The facts, statistics and analysis presented are only meant to bring about peace in the Eppes’ household. Any spoilers for Season 3 must not be trusted as we had yet to release out final analysis.

Combatant: Charlie Eppes

Age: 30

Gender: Male

Drool-causing Ratio: 5/2

Status in House War: Aggressor

Base of Operations: The Math Garage. Originally, Charlie only had one half of this room in which to work. Eventually, he moved out an air hockey table and more chalk boards to fully fortify his position. Alan admitted the loss when he complained that he could no longer park the car in the garage. Charlie also used reverse psychology to clean out the last remaining stronghold in the garage, by making Alan get rid of his dead wife’s things.

Rooms Attacked/Threatened: Living Room, Pantry, Linen Closet, Dining Room, Guest Bedroom, Bathroom and Walk-in Closet

Tactics: This combatant has been found to be particularly cruel in his method of attack. In one battle, entitled “Convergence”, Charlie went as far as destroying his father’s cell phone, with the help of his accomplice, Larry, to prevent Alan from calling in reinforcements. In “Backscatter”, Charlie, with the assistance of another accomplice, Amita, took over cyberspace, effectively cutting off Alan from the outside world in general. Larry comes into play during “In Plain Sight” when he tries to mentally torture Alan by destroying an important element for morale, music, and he ruins a perfectly good CD. Music also plays a role in “Running Man" when Charlie invents instruments of torture, in vengeance for having to take piano lessons as a child. Clearly, this shows Charlie’s ability not only to plan, but to inflict the most amount of mental anguish possible on his enemy.

Combatant: Alan Eppes

Age: Unknown

Gender: Male

Wise Factor: 5/2

Status in House War: Defender

Base of Operations: The Eppes’ family home kitchen. This is the perfect starting point for Alan because by controlling the food (as long as he can repel any attacks on food storage rooms like the Pantry of the Root Cellar) he will be able to keep some control over his enemy.

Rooms Attacked/Threatened: Alan, as opposed to Charlie, does not threaten rooms, he instead, attempts to defend them. In the battle "Protest” Alan erects defense systems in the form of shelving. This was clearly a weak physical defense, but Alan tries to provoke Charlie into betting the house in battle of “The Running Man.”

Prediction: Analysis of Charlie’s skills and tactics, demonstrate that he will, in all likelihood, be the winner of the Eppes House War. Alan clearly does not have the ability to calculate the psychological impact of a variety of mental and physical attacks, as does his son. In conclusion, there is only one outcome for the Eppes House War, and that is for Alan to surrender and hope for fair treatment under the Geneva Convention. We recommend to our client, Mr. Ned Spope, to focus on trying to achieve this outcome and that his previous suggestion of “giving Charlie a serious wedgie” is not an optimal solution.

Cartographers at FIT have developed detailed maps of the battleground – both the lower floor

Math & Physics 4

and upper floor.

We cannot guarantee that the maps are accurate, as the topography of the house changed between the first and second season. (We at FIT are currently studying the alterations caused by the “built set” phenomenon.)

Risk Assessment: Ms. Amita Ramanujan

In order to make our results more official – we made a graph. Graphs always make things more official, do they not?

The analysis was to help determine the future employment of Ms. Ramanujan. There are currently three employment opportunities available to the candidate. The first is at the prestigious Harvard University. The second is at the equally prestigious Cal Sci. The final position is at the up and coming FIT. When we heard she was looking for employment, we put together, what we feel, is an attractive package of employment incentives.

Our analysis included the following points:

Job Opportunity: Is the job prestigious? Will you be respected if you say “I work at *fill in name of institution here*” at local eating establishments? Was the job offered willingly, or did your not-quite boyfriend try and arrange it for you?

Analysis indicates that Cal Sci is indeed the winner of this category by a measly one point; 76 to Harvard’s 75. While there are a variety of academic advantages to being a fictional character at Harvard – Robert Langdon immediately comes to mind, other fictional Harvard Alumni – either academically or professorially include Elle Woods and Patrick Bateman, and it is doubtful Ms. Ramanujan wishes to be quite that blonde or that crazy. Overall, our analysis shows that the opportunity for a fictional character is much greater at a fictional university – even if your not-quite boyfriend did ask around for you.

FIT , of course, would permit the candidate to begin on the ground floor of a new exciting adventure, where we don’t discriminate against a character for being fictional. <

Romantic Opportunity: The category, we at FIT feel is self-explanatory.

Obviously, the subject of study does not object to the student / professor taboo, so this would increase the number of potential mates exponentially.

Overall, we discovered that Harvard is the best place in which to have a romantic entanglement. Data collection at Cal Sci indicates a low ratio of romantic success. As for FIT, indications show there is absolutely no chance for any form of romance. The professors at FIT are focusing their energy on improving Cal Sci’s record.

The one down side to romance at Harvard for a fictional character, is that she may have to die or find herself married to a former presidential candidate.

Job Advancement: Is your position upwardly mobile? Will this lead to other important career / book deal / public speaking engagements? What is the likelihood you will be able to retire to your own private island in the South Pacific?

Obviously, the greatest chance of job advancement is here at FIT. As we are just starting out, the chance for Ms. Ramanujan to move up and take advantage of our projected success is now!

Of course, should Ms. Ramanujan not choose FIT, our analysis shows that Harvard will even invent a fictional department and even course of study for fictional professors. At least in the case of Ms. Ramanujan, her chosen fields already exist at Harvard.

It is believed Ms. Ramanujan will not be able to advance at Cal Sci, as there will always be a taint as to how she received the position. Anyone who claims higher education is not as gossipy as a group of overgrown teenagers, has not been to one lately.

Cost of Living: The area surrounding the learning institution must be considered. Therefore, this is entirely based on the percentage of the paycheck that must go to housing and other such necessities of life.

While studies often disagree with each other – living in and around area surrounding Harvard University is indeed, more expensive than living in the outskirts of Los Angeles. Also, if the predictions made by knowledgeable scholars are correct, Ms. Ramanujan will be living with Professor Charles Eppes by the end of season four – thus greatly reducing her cost of living.

Overall, we encourage Ms. Ramanujan to consider FIT because, as it is an online university, she may choose to live in whatever city / town / trailer park she likes in order to save on capital outlay.

Fandom Tolerance: While this was our most contentious topic, we at FIT feel we have come to a logical conclusion supported by mathematics and other such important methods of analysis. The simple question here was whether or not the fandom will warm up to her more if she takes the position.

Obviously, only by accepting a position at FIT, will Ms. Ramanujan fully be embraced by the fandom. Not only will she have received the job without any cloud of doubt it was because her not-quite boyfriend got her the position, but also, being more involved with the fandom always helps secondary characters.

On the other hand, respect may still be kept for Ms. Ramanujan should she accept the job at Harvard. Studies have proven it is statistically impossible to lose respect for anyone who accepts a job at Harvard.

The Thermodynamics of Don’s Pants

We here at FIT have developed a whole new branch of thermodynamics upon the close examination of the Don’s pants. The work created from the release of heat has led to the discovery of meta-thermodynamics.

Several of the variables and potentials are slightly different in meta-thermodynamics. In order to understand the differences, we have prepared a very official-looking chart to clear up any confusion.

The main difference between thermodynamics and meta-thermodynamics though is not in the variables or the potentials, but the work effect. Usually, thermodynamic systems are closed, and the heat produced by said system will create work within the system. In the case of meta-thermodynamics, the creation of heat causes work to be done by an entirely separate system.

Essentially, it has been discovered that the most important variables of meta-thermodynamics are hotness and pressure, as demonstrated here, combined with the other variables create the environment for the observation of the process.

Our theory is best proven by a practical example:

1) This picture is a classic example of the thermodynamics of Don’s pants.

2) This is another classic example of the workings of the thermodynamics of Don’s pants.

3) Finally, this is an example of the workings of the thermodynamics of Don’s pants with the meta-thermodynamic potential of Krumholtz free energy.

The likelihood is you just became a part of the meta-thermodynamics process. Here is the explanation.

Potential Probabilities of Eppes’ Significant Others: A Statistical Approach to Couplehood

As at all professional conferences, there comes a time for audience participation. We at FIT are looking to investigate the probabilities surrounding the currently candidates for the Eppes’ men’s hearts. In order to do this, we need a large sample from which to draw our data. We ask you to download the board of potential Eppes’ mates. (The upper line is Don’s, the lower line is Charlie’s.)

Next, gather the very technical probability finding equipment. Please remember that this equipment is only appropriate for use if you are over 21, or 19 in Canada, or 18 in Quebec, so please use it only for educational purposes.

We feel the actual use of the equipment is self-explanatory; after drinking the mojito (some may need more than one), throw the dart at the potential mates’ board. Record your findings and post them in the comments. The data will be gathered and released at our next conference.