Numb3rs: The Mole (Episode 304)

We begin with Anderson Cooper spouting some long monologue about the show's premise. A bunch of people are trying to perform some tasks and there is one person amongst them attempting to sabotoge them. (Hey, "Sabotoge" would make a good episode title, don't you think?) Wait, it's not that The Mole!

Opening Grid: 2000 Foreign Operatives, 1200 Targets, 200 Counter-Intelligence Officers, 1 Mole. (Sorry for the confusion, the grid reminds me of Anderson Cooper's other job. The one where he's a hard-hitting investigative journalist.)

Club Dead: A very well-dressed Chinese woman is on her cell phone in the middle of a very busy club. It's the type of outfit all woman strive for when they go dancing, the "sexy but classy look." On the other hand, I usually try to achieve that look but wind up more "Whore of Babylon."

Either she's been asked to meet someone or she's realized that the person on the other end can't hear a damned thing amongst all that noise, as the woman steps outside. While she's been given a killer outfit, she's been given the sense of an armadillo in Texas because even though the valet makes a dive for it, she can't see the oncoming vehicle until it hits her.

You know, her outfit doesn't look damaged. Could I have it? It's not like she needs it any more. (Don't judge me; I just appreciate nice clothes.)

The Fedcakes, Don, David and Colby, are at the scene where one Michelle Kim, an interpreter for the Chinese Embassy lies on the road getting dirt all over those lovely clothes. Probably body fluids now too! Great, they're ruined!. The Feds are looking into the case as the Chinese with their whole "The Great Wall is our big honking symbol" will probably clear out Kim's apartment preventing any state secrets from being revealed. State secrets like how the hell Beijing got the Olympics over Toronto. Not that I'm bitter.

The overall assumption is that she was hit by a "lucky drunk." Of course, if Kim were in the CSI's "Toe Tags" she'd openly disagree with them. Plus, there aren't any skid marks. Duh duh dun!

Cal Sci: *drool* For once, it isn't over Charlie, but over the very yummy looking chocolate chip cookies that Charlie is eating. You know, I think I had a dream about that once. Umm, nevermind.

Then, a miracle occurs, "You know, they say there's nothing sexier than a man who knows how to cook." Is it possible? Did Amita just say something with which I whole-heartedly agreed? Charlie flirts back and asks if she agrees, but she likes guys who do math. Me too, but cooking is one hell of a bonus!

Charlie is doing math, to improve his cooking, or baking as the case may be. He's using differential geometry to help perfect the chocolate chip cookie. So this makes him what? Perfect. I already knew that.

The cookies are a peace offering to the underclassmen, who apparently went a little overboard last year and ransacked Charlie's office on Senior Ditch Day. (Don't tell Charlie but that was me, collecting information for my Very Secret Recapping Files. The adventures of myself and my secret ninja agents can be seen here.) The cookies are meant as a way to say, "Please steal the big DNA model, but leave the pretty fountain." Ever the helpful assistant, Amita pulls out the age-old wisdom, that they needs bigger chips. Yes, in fact, they should sell chocolate chip cookies that are just chocolate chips. Which would make them chocolate bars but who cares? It's still chocolate.

Changing the subject, Amita congratulates Charlie except he has no idea what she's talking about. She continues on about how the unique it was and how the approach impressed her. I hope she's talking about an article in that Math Journal she's carrying, otherwise I might start thinking she and Charlie have been "baking cookies." In that case, the "bigger chips" comment, is very dubious indeed.

Fortunately, no, she's talking about the newest paper published by Larry in that eminent journal Physics Weekly. I don't know what exactly the paper is on, but it's a big deal and Larry didn't ask Charlie to do the math. Charlie is so shocked, he sits on the cookies. Hope he can come up with a cure to get chocolate out of his pants, otherwise the underclassman will think they've scared the shit out of him.

Amita's whole "you didn't know?" and "I would've thought he'd ask you to collaborate," just come across as catty, not the least sympathetic. Amita, you may go from flirty to bitchy in 0.6 seconds, but I can do it in 0.3. Just turn over the math genius and no one gets hurt.

IHOF: Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are doing their typical Fedcake duty (research) and have found the product placement the paint on Kim's body to be from a Jaguar or Explorer.

David is doing a run-down on Kim (pun not intended), who has been flying back and forth between China and the US like she's a sweatshop factory owner. Her father was a Chinese diplomat, requiring counter-intelligence to do a background check on the younger Kim. The background check was done by an old army buddy of Colby's, Dwayne Carter.

Thus Colby gives us an old war story about being saved by Dwayne when they were attacked by an RPG. (Role Play Games are getting more dangerous, aren't they?) The low-down is, Dwayne saved Colby's ass. While I thank Dwayne for that, the whole long war-buddy story causes me to turn to my viewing companion and say, "The army buddy did it." Yes, at 4 minutes and 31 seconds into the show, I feel strongly that I've solved the case. Anyone who requires that much backstory must be guilty. David doesn't have that much backstory!

Of course, this is a Colby-centric episode, so it'll take longer for everyone else to figure it out.

What else did I notice? Colby spends the entire time telling the story preening. I may not have a doctorate in psychology, but that body language totally confirms the rumours is a little suspicious.

In the break room, Don runs into Charlie, who was at the IHOF to try and win back his BFF by doing some extra research, or just using the FBI direct access to NASA. PotAto, potAHto.

Much like he did in the Pilot, Charlie insinuates himself onto the case promising that math can determine whether it was intentional or not. Of course, Don specifically tells him that he doesn't have to do it, since he complains about being overworked but since he's already lost Larry, Charlie can't risk losing Don as well.

Megan's interview of Kim's neighbours didn't reveal much, but David and Colby, the ever resourceful Fedcakes, have discovered she had over 100 000 dollars in various accounts. Putting that together with and interpreter calls from prepaid cell phones, the team is stumped as to what Kim might have been into.

I know what you're thinking, espionage is painfully obvious, but this is an episode designed to make Colby look smart.

Commercial: The entire break is filled with reports about the freak snowstorm that shut down part of Ontario and upstate New York. No one saw it coming. I guess we've all forgotten what we use math for as, yet again, there are no credits. We could've used math to predict the weather but instead everyone was caught with their snowpants down.

Cal Sci: Amita interrupts Charlie while he's checking on the math in Larry's paper. Though Charlie thinks the work has great potential, it would benefit from his assistance. Instead of seeing this egotistical declaration for what it is, a not so cleverly disguised, "OMG Larry is so leaving me for another mathematician," Amita just plays into his neuroses, and bluntly tells him Larry doesn't want his help anymore. I'm not entirely sure what the purpose of this scene is but all it succeeds in doing is make Amita more annoying, and providing me with my new bitchy icon for my LJ.

Ironically Called Counter-Intelligence (ICCI): Colby is meeting up with his old foxhole "friend" army buddy Dwayne. Instead of gruff manly handshakes, Dwayne practically molests him in the hallway. The two stand there awkwardly, exchanging information in what has become the stereotypical former army buddy exchange. It's a fill in the blanks scene, the template of which is below:

Army Buddy 1: Long time no see.
Army Buddy 2: Yeah. What have you been doing?
AB1: (Fill in job here) I've been working counter-intelligence? Why?
AB2: (Fill in justification for renewed acquaintance.) Why did the ironically called Counter-Intelligence unit do a background check on Kim?
AB1: (i>Required 9/11 reference</i>). She had two passports; nothing turned up.
AB2: Cool, dude.
AB1: (Obligatory vague reference to life after combat)
AB2: (Required agreement with previous statement)
...and scene!

The scene ends with Dwayne again hugging Colby a way too tightly. This nicely saves me having to type the html for strikeout every time I imply something about these two. Really, get a room guys.

Cal Sci: Larry is sitting in his office examining a photograph of space when Charlie comes in to congratulate him about his paper. Brushing it off, Larry says he simply followed the uncertainty principle of some space-based whatsit, which makes me think, hey, "Uncertainty Principle" would make a great episode title.

When Charlie cleverly tries to obtain the name of the new mathematician in Larry's life (Brian Stromsburg) Larry realizes the real purpose of Charlie's visit is to find out if Larry still like Charlie's math the best. Larry does, but he needs to "branch out" like a comet trying to "break out of it's orbit." In short, he needed to try something different. And that, ladies and gentlemen is the meta-explanation of why Peter MacNicol is taking some time to go be all arch-villiany on 24.

Embassy: A lackey, with the permission of the Chinese Ambassador, is talking to Don and Megan about Kim. They exchange sympathies but lackey is quickly disabused of the notion that Kim's death was an accident. When asked about the 100 000 dollars, lackey doesn't have an answer and scurries back to the ambassador to find out the officially sanctioned response.

IHOF: David has found more skeletons in Kim's closet. Her credit card show charges to lingerie stores and sex shops and even a club or two specifically designated for adults. Oh noes! A single 24 year-old woman might have an interesting sex life! She must be teh ebil!

Megan calls back on the 17th century red-lettering and suggests that perhaps Kim wasn't even murdered. On cue, Charlie enters disagreeing and telling everyone that the math proves she was murdered so feel free to get out the red embroidery thread.

The Fedcakes sit around dumbfounded at most of the phraseology he uses. I'm so glad that the Fedcakes are in on the joke. Most of the fandom don't know what he's talking about either until the audience vision clears it up for us. We just like hearing him talk.

The following day, Don comes in with the biggest cup of coffee ever, and you all know what they say about a man with a big coffee mug?

The team still has nothing, as the bank deposits were all under the legal 10000 limit, so nothing was ever registered with any sort of authority. The security pass card found near the scene is also Kim's but doesn't belong to her apartment or the embassy. Luckily, the computer techs have something on Kim's computer. The three Fedcakes go to investigate.

Look, porn! Kim's been spending her days surfing the internet looking at porn sites. Charlie practically explodes poking at the large gaping plot hole and pushes through the theory that the porn pictures contain this case's jackpot. With David, Don and the computer tech watching, Charlie confident enough in his skill and technique to be able to find the right spot in the photos, coaxing the code hidden deep inside, to come out for all to see.

Posh Apartments: Rosencrantz and Guildenstern discover another one of Kim's dirty little secrets, she has a second apartment. The concierge, who is having the worst hair day, remember that she lives in 15C and that if the Feds want the security camera footage of the lobby, they need to go download the images from last week's secret word, the database.

IHOF: Colby is left in charge of reviewing the tapes, while David explains that the apartment was clearly a meeting place, as it didn't even have food, or, more importantly, cable. Meanwhile, Colby is focusing in on a potential suspect, one he seems to recognize.

Didn't I tell you the old army buddy did it? It just took Colby 12 more minutes to figure it out.

Cal Sci: Larry and Charlie are rekindling their friendship, working together to crack the secret messages in the porn pictures. They reminisce about trying to crack, (and in Larry's case send) secret messages the KGB were sending operatives. This turns into Charlie remembering when the pair of them were finally given backstory rewired the PA system at Princeton. Larry remembers how that event not only taught him that Charlie had a sense of humour, but that how their analytical styles once suited each other.

Picking up on the tense change, Charlie challenges the idea that their styles have changed. Larry points out with the obvious, that Charlie's work with Don, his convergence theory (wouldn't "Convergence" make a splendid episode title?) have taken them in entirely different directions.

The code finding, or "out of awkward conversation" algorithm, finds a hidden message in an eyebrow. Charlie, the math genius, thinks they're numbers, but he doesn't sound so certain.

IHOF: Charlie, in an adorkable moment proves he's too short to reach Kim's eyebrow, while the Fedcakes politely try not to laugh, scaring away their best crime-solving tool ever. The pictures revealed a banking code and the names of two federal witnesses, who were murdered prior to testifying against a man who was selling military equipment to North Korea. Because the names of the witnesses were in a sealed indictment, someone must've physically looked in the file. If the Chinese can get a mole in the department of justice, they can learn just about anything.

While all this dire conversation is going on, Colby justifies any comment I've ever made against his intelligence. He says nothing. It may have taken him 12 minutes longer than I did, but he knows his friend is said mole, but he doesn't say anything. Moron.

Commercial Break: Otherwise known as the time it took for Spy to stop throwing insults and pieces of popcorn at her TV screen.

ICCI: Colby has gone all lone-wolf and questions Dwayne himself. This is much like sending Rain Man out without Tom Cruise, or sending Tom Cruise out by himself decades later. He confronts Dwayne with a picture taken from the security footage, which show Dwayne with his sunglasses on boot-camp style. Breathing heavily Colby's all about busting Dwayne's ass about lying to him. Dude, are you more upset your ex-boyfriend lied to you, or that he committed treason? Get your priorities straight you sad excuse for human intelligence.

Dwayne confesses knowing that Kim was a spy, (not Spy, I steal character secrets, not international intelligence) and the only person in the world shocked by this is Colby, who starts ranting about the two dead witnesses. Dwayne wants to know if Colby thinks that he was really involved with all that. "I don't know what to think," Colby replies. Good, I needed some comic relief because the word "think" when tied to Colby must be said with a sense of irony, right?

Giving some sob-story about how badly his life sucked after he returned from Afghanistan, Dwayne tries to play the "she led be around by my penis" card and promises to come clean if need be. Next, he’s playing on Colby's loyalty to the guy who saved his life. They do the whole fist shake thing and the scene finally comes to a close. Thus ends the most terribly acted scene in Numb3rs history.

La Maison d'Eppes: Charlie's making some PB&J sandwiches with some old guy and talking about his troubles with Larry. Wait, is that Alan? I'd totally forgotten what he looked like as we're more than halfway through this eppesode and it's his first appearance. I need the credits to remind me of these things.

Charlie's seeking Papa Eppes' advice about how to deal with Larry, as he's still concerned that Larry's paper is good, but needs his help. Alan tells a fable about how he once had to choose between his boss at work, or his client. Why is no one seeing that Charlie just wants someone to love him best?

IHOF: Colby's covering for Dwayne by outright lying (bastard!) to David that there's no way to tell who the mole is from all the footage. Once again proving his own shallowness in the gene pool, Colby's totally forgotten that Charlie loves to prove the word impossible to be incorrect. Using the second most random prop ever, after the DNA model, a Rubik's Cube that just happens to be sitting around the IHOF, to demonstrate how he can use an algorithm to match the symmetry of human faces, on the day Kim was there, to identify the mole. Hee! Colby's screwed and I don't mean in a good way.

Oh yeah, and they found the car that hit Kim. See what happens when the Fedcakes decide not to work at Colby's speed? Stuff gets done.

The Fedcakes leave Charlie, alone, with the Rubik's Cube.

Chop Shop: Colby is sent in to scout out the chop shop for suspects. Using super-secret-spy-style language ("four rims" and "chrome") he lets David know there are four suspects and a gun. A team of Feds, led by David storm in, and the Head Criminal grabs Colby and points a gun to his head. Hee! Head Criminal Guy is so going down, as even if he shoots Colby, it won't do any damage. Now maybe if he were pointing at the gut or the crotch, I'd be mildly worried.

Colby insist David shoot Head Criminal Guy but then reminds us why exactly he's kept on the team. He flips the HCG over his shoulder in a great Judo-throw, and looks damn sexy while he's doing it.

IHOF: Colby is packing up for the night and his more intelligent partner, is worried. Then blowing his cover by doing the most obvious sign of guilt this eppesode, Colby hugs David.

Charlie inadvertently royally screws Colby (not like that) by showing Don the results of the analysis on the security footage. Charlie has identified Dwayne. Between Dwayne and Colby, this is a surely a sad sign for military intelligence. Don thinks so too, as he looks less than pleased with this development.

The next day, Don comes in looking like he's about to commit acts of torture. He's even intimidating the rest of the Fedcakes and completely brushes off David's defense of his partner. Evidence shows that the story Dwayne to Colby wasn't true (shock of the year) as he's obviously received payments from Kim.

As soon as Colby arrives, Don beats him severely with a phone book, 2x4 and rubber hose which is no less than Colby deserves confronts him with the evidence. Colby had "no idea" that Dwayne was taking money. This isn't overly surprising as Colby usually doesn't have any idea about anything.

Giving his agent too much credit for the ability to plan, Don asks if Colby's taken any money. Colby all offended at the idea he'd do anything like that, lobs back with probably the most ridiculous tactic to be taking with one's boss when you're being reamed, he reminds Don of the whole Buck-torture incident from when Megan was kidnapped. Yo, meathead, reminding the boss of his mistakes is not the way to get out of trouble.

In an attempt to make his action look honourable, Colby defends himself by repeating what Dwayne had sworn to him -- that he was only sleeping with Kim. It looks like Colby tried to save his friend's career at the cost of his own, as Don pulls him from the case.

Dwayne's World: Megan and David are doing their best impression of my own super spy team of trained ninjas and performing a little espionage. Waiting for Dwayne to go for his daily 4698745984 (actual number) laps around the pool at his apartment building, Megan makes me momentarily doubt her taste in men as she admires Dwayne.

The pair break into Dwayne's apartment and download his hard drive and bug his bedroom; admiring a photo of the two lovebirds from their time in Afghanistan. Wow, won't they have the shock of their lives when Colby drops by later.

Finishing his 4698745984 laps in record time, Megan and David have to hide in Dwayne's bathroom when he comes back in. How did this guy survive a tour of duty if he can't find two Fedcakes in his own tiny apartment?

La Maison d'Eppes: Larry comes over to talk to Alan about Charlie's recent upset about being excluded from the super-cool paper club. Larry's all "I'm trying to save my career! Charlie's too busy for me now." Alan slaps him down for foolish pride.

Although, none of this is really relevant as we have the most important thing in this scene. No, it's not the lime-green fluted bowl which all of us on the board play at trying to find in La Maison each week, and would so be part of the Numb3rs drinking game, if we made one up. It's backstory time. Are you ready fanfic writers? Take down the following pieces of information:

1) Charlie graduated Princeton at 16.
2) Larry graduated Princeton at 19.
3) Charlie met Larry when Larry was a professor at Princeton.

Ready, set, go and give birth to all the plot-bunnies those tidbits will bring up.

IHOF: Dwayne's taken off but Don doesn't think he'll try to leave the country without one last score. Megan's hoping the list of meetings in Dwayne's PDA will help, but the locations are all different. Off to Charlie for a pattern! (Of course, they could've just used mapquest and seen the pattern themselves. I'm just saying...)

Cal Sci: What could've been a fun little Charlie and Megan scene as they work together to find Dwayne's next meeting turns into a look how smart Amita is scene instead. Luckily, Charlie explains it all, completely negating any role Amita may have had. Sounds like the entire series, doesn't it?

Meeting Place: Whatever Charlie identified (they never say where exactly they are) was correct as Don and David watch an exchange between Dwayne and the consulate lackey. What then proceeds to happen is the slowest car chase ever. When they finally box-in the taxi-cab Dwayne was riding in, they find someone even smarter than Colby and Dwayne put together, a dummy. Somebody was trying to get a free pass onto the carpool lane.

IHOF: The team is stopped at every turn, as the State Department won't force the Chinese to answer for their crimes and they have no idea what Dwayne's exit strategy should be. (Considering he's a former member of the army, wouldn't that mean he doesn't have an exit strategy?) Megan suggests asking Colby to help, but Don's all manly man and says if Colby wants to call, he knows the number.

The Minnow Dock: Dwayne is getting all ready to take a three hour tour but is interrupted by Colby. How did Colby figure out the exit strategy (not that there is one) when the rest of the Fedcakes couldn't? What ensues is a terrible example of acting mental power struggle between Dwayne and Colby. This is going to be a barn burner! Dwayne pulls out the whole, he once saved Colby's ass and Kim was blackmailing him. Colby argues that Dwayne's betrayal innocent victims killed. Yes, and the repartee just gets more clever, or more repetitive, since they keep rehashing the same two points. When will it end?

The whole painfully awkward scene (yes, there is no one line in this episode unless "ARG! NO!" counts for it's disgustingly poor delivery) has one moment of amusement, Dwayne asks Colby to go away with him but no, Colby's got a better deal. He opens his shirt not only to reveal that he's wired, but also to reveal how he was able to figure out Dwayne's plan, the Feds have been with him all along.

For the second time this eppesode, a gun is pointed at Colby's head (when will they learn!) and he remains cool under pressure or he closes his eyes and pisses his pants. I can't really tell.

Before Dwayne's brain told Dwayne's hand to fire the gun, the Fedcakes pull up and rush the boat. Of course, the amount of time it took for them to get up to the dock, a normal person could've shot Colby, started up the boat and been halfway across the harbour. Fortunately, the protagonist and antagonist of this eppesode are both special.

Colby turns his back on his friend with the pithy line that Dwayne's done this to himself. As Colby gives Don the tape, Don gives Colby a lecture about not letting the team down. It's his clear eyes, full heart, can't lose, speech. Then Don shows him what a last line should be, "You do it again, and you're going to jail." Of course following the rules for all kick-ass lines, Don looks totally hot and in control while he say it.

Cal Sci: Charlie and Larry make up through the use of brainteasers and finally have a heart to heart discussion about the paper. Larry admits hiring the other guy was wrong, and Charlie admits to reading the paper. Showing Charlie the respect he's earned, Larry asks his opinion.

Worried at upsetting this new balance, Charlie asks if he's sure, "No, I want to remain a blithering idiot,” Larry replies. Hey, when did he learn Colby's motto?

In all truthfulness, Charlie admits he doesn't want to lose Larry as a friend but does admit the paper was "a work of genius," but "could've benefited from the work of two geniuses."

"Simon and Garfunkel," Larry jokes. The two finish the brainteaser, together, and all is right in the math world.

And Colby's still an idiot. All is right with the world.