Numb3rs: Brutus (Episode 310)

AmdassadorQuincy Hotel: Senator Target is giving a speech about, well, do you care? I don't. It's probably about tax reform or making the world a better place but if it isn't quote-worthy for The Daily Show, I'm not recording it.

A white guy wearing a white glove is calling 911 reporting that a man with a gun is going to kill Senator Target. The camera only shows us his mouth as he whispers into the phone. Let me see, a white guy wearing a white glove... oh my God! Michael Jackson is going to kill someone!

The Fedcakes have arrived at the AmdassadorQuincy Hotel because of the death threat but while Don stays to watch the video cameras, he sends David and Colby down to the ballroom. Don, hasn't past experience taught you anything? David certainly can't talk a guy out of doing something suicidal and if Colby can't tackle it, then everyone's shit out of luck.

Fortunately, Don's also linked to the maternity desk Megan at the IHOF and Charlie and Amita at Cal Sci.

Amita and Charlie are calculating and Megan is analyzing behaviour. Isn't it great when everyone remembers their job titles? They're all looking for the same thing -- a man with a hand gun. Honestly, a guy with a rocket launcher would just be too obvious. Really, everyone's just fishing as there are a lot of people and not much time before somebody takes aim at Senator Target.

Spotting an anomaly (or, as Charlie would spell, anomoly), Charlie wants to take a moment to recheck the data. That's not fast enough for Megan as she zooms in on said anomaly: an Asian Sirhan Sirhan.

Tragically, it's all too late for Senator Target, who really, should have a better name but I couldn't think of one as calling him Bobby Kennedy would probably be tasteless. Once the senator is killed, Asian Sirhan Sirhan takes a bullet, but before David can try to talk him out of it or Colby can tackle him, he shoots himself in the head.

Title Flash.

IHOF: Asian Sirhan Sirhan has a name, Van Min of the Vietcong Mins. Except now the former commie is an American citizen. Somebody at immigration was certainly asleep at the border. David and Don can't come up with a single reason why Min would shoot a politician he's never met. I don't know, maybe he rented a Jodie Foster movie or read Catcher in the Rye.

Min's Apartment: Megan and Colby are going through Min's apartment. At first I'm all excited about all the cracks I can make when Colby can't read Min's journal (next on a very special eppesode of Numb3rs Colby Can't read!) but it turns out it's in French. On the other hand, Megan can read the journal, which rants on about a guy named Brutus who has taken over Min's every thought. It turns out Megan speaks French because she dated a hockey player. Does that mean she's learning gravitational theory to impress Larry?

Aside from that, Megan thinks that Min is nutzoid (technical term) and he's got the medication to back it up. The mediation Min has will just make him angrier. Guess that's why Senator Target bit it.

Cal Sci: Larry is in his office, proving that his organization pattern "is chronological by height" when Charlie arrives to play mailman. No, it's not a dirty fantasy of mine, (why yes, let's see the package) he's really there to drop off Larry's mail. Good old Mildred "call me Millie" Finch won't let Larry use his staff mailbox since the whole steam tunnel incident. Therefore, Larry has to use La Maison d'Eppes for any sort of delivery.

Charlie's reluctant to give up Larry's copy of Quarterly Review of Cosmology and the weeniest battle ever ensues. Thinking that Larry will find the cover very disturbing, Charlie was trying to keep it from him.

Larry's version of Marshall Penfield, with a way cooler sounding name, Johannes Igby, has not only had a law named after him but also has been nominated for the National Medal of Science. Except, Larry's not upset, in fact, he's smiling. Thinking Larry's in shock, Charlie offers to get the nurse but Larry would much rather that he take his Computational Physics class.

This scene leaves a lot of questions, like why is Larry smiling? More importantly, what did a student in Computational Physics do last time to make Charlie not want to teach it again? Passed out? Made a pass at him? Had a flash of insight? Flashed him? What? What was it? I really want to know.

And Larry still just smiles.

IHOF: The audio of the secret 911 call tells Colby and Don nothing but Megan hopes the autopsy report will help. She reads that Min was killed by a gunshot wound to the head.

"We need an autopsy report to tell us that?" Aw, Colby made a funny!

What Megan really wanted to see was how much of the angry drug was in Min's system, the answer, a crapload (technical measurement). The drugs, we learn, were prescribed using a stole prescription pad, how very House of Min.

The plot thickens as Veterans Affairs have no records of Min, so Colby called in a favour, who, in turn called in Raymond of the CIA. Next time Colby, ask somebody else. The arrival of the CIA is never a favour on this show. Raymond asks to see Don outside.

Not confirming much, Raymond reveals that Min got a pension for actions in Vietnam -- without specifying what any of those actions were.

"As file-sharing goes, we're off to a bad start," Don says. Should the FBI really be file-sharing? I mean, isn't that what all the warnings at the beginning of the DVDs are about?

Raymond just wants to be kept in the loop, and skulks off. David arrives moments later with some pretty disturbing information. The gun used in the shooting was bought at the "We Don't Check ID Gun 'n Ammo Shoppe" along with two other guns, except no one knows where the other two weapons are. Dun dun dun!

La Maison d'Eppes: Don, Charlie and Amita, in some very mature looking family dinner, which would be much cooler, if Robin were there too, talk about the case. (My goal, find an excuse to mention, reference, allude to Robin in every recap until this travesty of OTP killing is avenged!) There's a sadness that, despite a variety of laws, places like "We Don't Check ID Gun 'n Ammo Shoppe" can still run.

To show how in sync they are as a couple, Amita and Charlie go off into mathnobabble and something about Metcalfe's Law that leaves both Don and I confused. Charlie hates Metcalfe's Law but Amita sees its value.

Fortunately, before this conversation takes a serious turn into snoozeville, Megan and Larry arrive with some big news.

An aside just prior to the big news: Alan's in Oakland and won't be back until the next eppesode next Monday.

Back to the big news, Megan announces she's pregnant or Larry announces he's going to be on the next space shuttle. Which one of these is more plausible? Obviously it's Larry's going on the space shuttle. The very transparent pregnancy file folders and desks have just been red herrings.

Larry will be in space? Never has a plot device ever been so symbolic in television history.

Megan's known about his frequent trips to Houston but she, like me figured that it must be due to Larry's frequent visits with Jack Bauer, or I totally made that up.

We also get an explanation for Larry's earlier unexplained smiling. Originally, Larry was the alternate payload specialist. Fortunately for him, the primary payload specialist will be too busy with his new law and collecting the National Medal of Science to take a field trip to space. Poor Igby!

Amita, Don and Megan all look thrilled. Charlie looks like somebody just broke his calculator.

Restaurant: Psychiatrist Bullseye (close relation to Senator Target) is eating with his wife when he is gunned down, seemingly at random. The killer turns the gun on himself but it misfires so he walks away before anyone stops him. The self-preservation instinct kicked in a little late there.

Later, Colby fills David in on everything that happened prior to the commercial break. The newest development is that the gun used was one of the three from "We Don't Check ID Gun 'n Ammo Shoppe."

When David figures this out, he's relieved. Colby wonders if David really thought he'd call him in on his night off if it wasn't important. The question is, was David on a date because we've all seen Colby's reactions to other Fedcakes getting some when he isn't. If David was on a date, he had every right to be suspicious.

Psychiatrist Bullseye had just written a new book about new methods of making people do whatever but David's all "I'll wait for the movie." It better star Hugh Jackman, naked, otherwise it's going to be one hell of a bomb.

Cal Sci: Amita's caught Charlie using Metcalfe's Law. Charlie responds with, "Nobody likes hearing I told you so." Really? You didn't seem to have any problem saying it a few weeks ago.

Don's trying to coax Charlie into a conversation about Larry's impending trip to space, and Charlie's concerns but Charlie's living near a river in Egypt. Yes, I know it's a bad pun. His voice cracks as he insists, "Maybe I would be, if I actually thought he was going to go through with it." For the sheer denial and voice cracking present in the delivery of this line, it is this week's (and possibly the most pitiful ever) Numb3rs Painfully Awkward Line™.

Ducking out of any more of this awkward conversation, Charlie distracts Amita by giving her a quick kiss and saying he needs to see Don. I can't blame her inability to speak afterwards. I'd probably do the same thing except she's far more mature than me.

IHOF: Fingerprints lead the Fedcakes to Carlos Costavo, a Cuban refugee and criminal. A criminal, according to Megan, who is taking the same drugs Min was taking.

A senator, a psychiatrist, a former Vietcong and a Cuban national, it's either a conspiracy or the beginning of one of the most politically incorrect bar jokes ever.

Charlie arrives and he's found the gun dealer who bought the three weapons from "We Don't Check ID Gun 'n Ammo Shoppe" through some sort of convoluted networking analysis.

Some writer somewhere is playing on Colby's strength because he actually asks for a Charlie vision. The networking analysis is like finding a ringing telephone. The more it rings, the more likely it is to completely annoy some innocent office worker find it. Using the type of guns, recent arrests and other such criteria, Charlie's identified one Sam Finney.

Warehouse: Rosencrantz and Guildenstern arrest Sam Finney for "picking up the wrong phone."

IHOF: Don's trying to get Finney to give up the buyer of the three guns and Finney hopes that if he does he'll get out of the 238956493 (actual number) years in prison he'll earn if he doesn't speak up. Blowing that perception out of the water, Don tells him that maybe Finney will spend 1625 years instead -- or get a presidential pardon. I hope Finney's saved up for a serious donation to the Republican Party.

Finney does yield and gives up his buyer, a brown haired- blue-eyed, 40-45 year-old man named Marcus. Foul! A penalty is called for excessive use of classical allusion!

Finney also does an Ident-a-Kit picture, which is either "Marcus," an impression of a Norman Rockwell subject, or Colby's Uncle Bill. All of the Fedcakes find the picture essentially useless.

Megan arrives from the room of large files, holding it over her belly. Silly props department, we aren't fooled! She's found the connection between the shooters and the victims. Psychiatrist Bullseye worked at Chino Prison, where Costavo was a prisoner. Chino was a hotspot for psychological testing on prisoners, including one Project Brutus (which, I hear, is way less fun than Project Runway). Brutus is the reference from Min's journal -- the same reference that Min blamed for taking over his mind. Senator Target was championing a bill to bring back the heyday of prison torture testing. Oh yeah, and Brutus' full name was Marcus Brutus. Everyone get it? Good, because I'm not sure I do but I'm going with it.

"A B C = D. It's like one of Charlie's equations," Colby says. "I don't believe I just said that." Neither does anyone else.

Cal Sci: Carrying a large box of stuff, a term which here means "all of Larry's precious possessions," Larry turns the stuff over to Charlie in preparation for his trip into orbit. What does Larry treasure most? His Newton-Lacy award, jazz recordings and his old luck t-shirt is all Larry's genius values most. In this case the sum is truly greater than the parts.

We get a story about Charlie's attempt to grow a mustache during his junior year in college -- when, I'd like to point out, he would have been like what, 16? We then find out Larry totally dissed it because his "follicle count failed to reach critical mass" and, like his mustache, Larry's dream to go to space is equally futile. Eventually, Larry will be all "OMGWTF explosive shuttles are bad!" Thus, all of the preparation for space will be for naught.

Larry sees a huge differential in the lack of achievement of growing a caterpillar on one's upper lip, to flying into space. "It's a fortunate thing for you that I am on the verge of fulfilling one of life's dreams. If I were in a less ebullient frame of mind, I just might bop you in the nose." Really? Can we see the ultimate geek smackdown? Will Rubik's Cubes and Sudoku at 20 paces be involved? Will compasses and protractors shed blood?

Outside IHOF: Raymond is confessing the Brutus is like MKULTRA, a failed attempt at mind control. A bunch of prisoners and POWs were given the chance to take part in exchange for their freedom and the desire to kill enemies of the United States. According to Raymond, not one test subject ever worked but now there's a list of 4786412 (actual number) people that this Marcus fellow might be made to kill the 2146874 (actual number) people who worked on the experiments.

It's like sending "the Lab rats after the scientists," Raymond exposits. Hey, isn't that the Entire premise of The Secret of Nihm? Where's Mrs. Brisby? Will Dom Deluise be involved?

Later on inside, Megan's has to listen to Raymond's justification of Brutus. Since the commies were doing it, the US did too. "They're doing something bad so let's do something worse and bigger," Megan says sarcastically. Oh Megan, don't you know that's the new definition of the American Way?

She also figures out that the CIA interest has nothing to do with covering up the past. They just want to know how Marcus made it work. (Can't everyone just see the CIA version of Tim Gunn, "Make it work! Make it work!"

Something really scary, there are 712 (actual number. Really, it is the actual number) Brutus candidates in the Los Angeles area alone.

In the lab, Charlie is steadfastly ignoring his emotional upset at the idea Larry might be flying away to the International Space Station. To work through his pain of losing his BFF, he's completely reworking the FBI Ident-a-Kit system by calculating for variables. Charlie's come such a long way since season one as this is a productive brood and it doesn't involve P vs. NP.

Don doesn't buy the act either and tries to con Charlie into the same conversation Amita did several scenes ago. (Did they coordinate? Am I pointing out unnecessary sexual tension between Don and Amita? Hell yes. I may still be recovering from Robin but I'm not blind.)

Still in denial, Charlie asks if Don can really see Larry going to space.

"More than anyone else I know," really tactful there, Don.

Cal Sci Track: Amita's helping Larry get "the right stuff" fit for space. Larry quips, "Mens sana in corpore sano," a phrase which here means, "sound mind and sound body." Either that or it means, "I'm way smarter than you."

He engages Amita in a conversation about his personal dilemma with the timing of the space assignment. Larry confesses that although he's got the right stuff, he's not sure he's doing the right thing. He compares it to Amita's decision of Cal Sci over Harvard.

Amita puts in the token insistence that Harvard wasn't offering the better job when we all know it's because Harvard wasn't offering the adorkable boyfriend. Plus, Megan is supportive, even if Charlie's being an ass. "He's never dreamt of something he couldn't reach," she explains.

In that moment, for all the irritation she has caused me and my total lack of support for Charmita, I must admit one thing; when it comes right down to it, she does truly understand Charlie. She just doesn't belong with Charlie. Now, if only she could separate those two aspects.

The slave driver that she is, she sends Larry back to train some more.

Parking Lot: And the award for best stock character this season goes to: former Costavo cellmate. He's irreverent with the FBI and enjoys playing verbal games with Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. He reminds me a lot of Red in The Shawshank Redemption with his whole "Quite frankly, I don't give a shit," attitude.

Eventually, he admits that he's had contact with Costavo and that he often hangs out at Macarthur Park to watch the old guys play chess.

Macarthur Park: Colby knows where the chess boards are. Hee! They're not really implying...

OMG, Colby just said that he would choose to play chess instead of reading porn during his tour in Afghanistan. I now have a question for you, which is more likely:
a) Larry in space.
b) Colby choosing chess over nekkid ladies.
c) Spy not laughing at the implication of B.

Dear Numb3rs writers,
Please stop trying to convince me Colby's smart.
Sincerely,
~Spy

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern spot Costavo and I cease laughing long enough to watch him flee up to the top of a building and prepare to jump. David goes to talk him down and didn't we go through the whole David talking people out of things earlier in this recap? It's never a good idea.

Luckily for Costavo, Colby's there to tackle him, but Costavo is less than appreciative. "Apologize to the man for saving his life," Colby tells David. Colby made 2 funnies? This must be his extra-special eppesode.

IHOF: Rosencrantz and Guildenstern interrogate a clearly victimized and not entirely stable Costavo. He claims Marcus came to see him as part of Brutus and to help him adapt. Except the gun fairy came in the middle of the day (what do you have to lose to get a visit from her?) and left him a gun. Since Marcus, accidentally on purpose let Costavo know where Psychiatrist Bullseye worked, Costavo just had to kill him.

Megan and Don are in the coffee room giving a loose profile of Marcus. Megan figures he's a shrink, and goes to leave to recheck the list of Brutus employees.

After his dismal failure with Charlie, Don checks in with how Megan is doing with Larry reenacting a "Pigs In Space" episode. (Okay, so it might not truly be like that, but really, that's how I picture Larry in space.)

"It's hard to feel badly when you feel so proud," Megan reassures him, despite Charlie's whole sulking kick. She also refuses to contribute to the continued throbbing of the vein in the centre of Don's forehead. You know, that last sentence just looks dirty.

This is Colby's very special eppesode, as he gets to help Charlie identify Marcus. Charlie tries explaining what he's doing, but Colby just nods his head and smiles. The database of pictures of former Brutus employees comes up empty and Colby comments, "Feels to me like we're missing something so obvious we've forgotten about it." O'rly Einstein, you think?

Although, as usual, the off-handed comment gives Charlie the flash of insight he needs and he turns to Colby, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

No Charlie, he definitely isn't.

Megan takes my side when she mocks Colby later during his explanation that he and Charlie came up with the solution. Megan, I love you, never change.

The connection between Brutus and Marcus, besides the obvious classical allusion, is the Freedom of Information Act. With that, Colby and Charlie have located psychiatrist Lawrence Dryden Dr. Harold Abbott. Since Everwood was cancelled, he's been a bad, bad boy.

In celebration of their success, Charlie and his very "special" partner high-5.

Dr. Abbott's: Handling his arrest with his usual aplomb, Dr. Abbott is cryptic about the location of the third gun. He just says that it's where it'll do the most good. The truth will now be revealed.

IHOF: Dr. Abbott is doing his best impression of Kevin Spacey in Se7en (another title which feels the number replacing letter tactic is a good choice) and declaring he's a hero. He'll make the tough decisions! He'll sacrifice others in the name of truth justice and the American way. Is he running for office?

Don just sees him as an embittered killer-by-proxy who is no better than the CIA.

Although this scene is relatively simple to understand, I'd recommend watching it several times. Dr. Abbott, is the awesome.

Cal Sci: It's a math stare down between Charlie and Larry, both of whom are acting like men and refusing to apologize to the other. (Although, a "Love never means having to say you're sorry" crack would fit in so nicely here except I don't 'ship these two.) Instead, the pair bond, as usual, over math. Working out the problem, Larry makes some suggestions and Charlie replies, "You're suggesting, and, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, unless it's about you going into orbit you turd." Okay, maybe that isn't what he said, but the intent was there.

The actual suggestion is that Charlie analyze targets as well as assassins. Finding the approach brilliant, Charlie turns around to tell Larry so only to find the office empty.

*Sniff.* Charlie needs a hug. I volunteer.

In a brief math montage, Charlie figures out the victim, a former Colonel at Leavenworth and the killer, a former Leavenworth prisoner named Gates.

We get a variety of quick cuts between Megan escorting the Colonel home, David and Colby finding Gates' apartment empty and the would-be assassin hiding in the Colonel's house. Fortunately, Don shoots Gates before Gates kills (but he does manage to shoot) the Colonel. Looking out the window Gates fell out of after being shot, Don looks rather, creepy, hot, but creepy.

Later, Raymond shuts down the Fedcake investigation. Megan and Don are all "Et tu Raymond," as they realize that Raymond is trying to protect the future of a revitalized Brutus.

Beware the Ides of March people.

While Megan is annoyed on principle, and worried that Dr. Abbott's got a one-way ticket to Gitmo, Don's royally pissed off that he killed a victimized man and will no, although unwillingly, be part of the cover up. He responds in the hottest possible way, by punching the CIA operative.

"I'd stay down unless you want to get hit again," Megan warns. Yeah, the Fedcakes are drawing straws as to who takes the next punch.

Open Field: Larry is showing Megan where he'll be on the night of the 18th -- between Cancer and Leo Minor. He'll be visible for only 14 seconds.

Megan wants a telescope to see him and although Larry offers her the use of the one at Cal Sci, she wants her own personal one, in her bedroom. Ladies and gentleman, the first ever case of prearranged space sex.

Larry uses this moment to show he's got romance skillz and promises his heart will remain with Megan's in that bedroom. Or, I rephrased that to make it sound dirtier than it really is. The scene ends with Megan and Larry getting in some practice for the reunion six months from now.

Math Garage: Wistfully, Charlie is going through Larry's prized possessions. The weight of the realization that Larry is really slipping the bonds of earth is sitting heavily upon him.

Amita tries to offer some comfort, but Charlie, reminiscing over old photos, is too pitiful with the loss of his BFF to be comforted. I'm about to fall on my knees and beg Larry to stay to stop Charlie from looking so miserable.

Either that, of course, or Charlie can take me up on the offer of that hug.

The song at the end of the eppesode says, "I had a dream the sky was set on fire." This is not making Charlie, or me, feel any better people!