Numb3rs: Killer Chat (Episode 311)

Our first new eppesode in a couple of weeks features Larry "Sitting atop a roman candle," (so Jack Flash can kiss Larry's ass, as a candlestick is nothing)a frank discussion about teen suicide as well how best to kill child molestors and the show going over their yearly quota of teachers who assault students. Merry Christmas from the writing staff of Numb3rs!

Opening Grid: 491,000 Registered Sex Offenders, 3.2 Million Uploads, 34 Million Teenagers, 24,452,618 no 619 no 627 no 642 Chatroom Sites

We open with what looks like Dateline's To Catch a Predator. This would be completely sad if it was the case as Studio 60 so covered this a couple weeks back. While this eppesode avoids ripping off other show's gimmicks, we get something far worse, a creepy little man coming to a house for a little underaged nooky. I need to disinfect my keyboard just from typing that.

Creepy Dude enters the house, carrying a six-pack and calling out, "Hello, it's John." It took me a couple of viewings to figure out what the guy was saying as I swear he says "Don." The idea that Creepy Dude has anything in common with one of the Eppes brothers registers far too high on my Ick Meter.

Something that registers higher on my Ick Meter is taped to the fridge the note on the fridge saying that the house's lone occupant is in the shower and Creepy Dude offers to join her. Someone has exactly the same reaction I would in that situation, they beat him in the head with a baseball bat and tie him up with Canadian national fix-it solution, duct tape.

Later, David is doing what David does best, give exposition. We learn that Creepy Dude is John Santos, 30, recently divorced and video store manager. (What a catch!) Colby also jumps on the exposition bandwagon, and tells us it's the third body in six weeks. All of the bodies have been found in unoccupied homes for sale, duct taped and beaten to death. Don's certain a serial killer is on the loose. You think?

On a more personal note, I just went through the whole house-shopping thing, and I don't recall one property with "bloodied corpse" on the feature sheet.

Cal Sci: Charlie finds Larry imitating a bat, tipped upside-down, in preparation for space flight.

The scene puts to rest any rumours or fears that the rift between Larry and Charlie would continue during Larry's time in orbit. Despite Charlie's worries of Larry "sitting atop a roman candle" he's happy that his closest friend is fulfilling his lifelong dream.

Proving he's the worst ever at comforting, Larry assures Charlie that even though he'll be 250 miles in orbit and traveling 18000mph, he's only an expensive phone call away. I don't know how that's possible, as I've only ever seen one phone plan that included outer space.

Charlie presents his peace offering: Larry's lucky t-shirt that Larry had given Charlie for safe-keeping. It's a sweet moment because our practical and logical Charlie puts faith in a lucky t-shirt to prevent a lackluster launch for Larry. That's a BFF moment if ever I saw one.

Then I realized that only two guys could make up by giving one's own smelly t-shirt to the other and then invite him to the IHOF to investigate murder. If it were two women, coffee, chocolate and manicures would be involved.

IHOF: Megan is sitting at the pregnancy desk (don't ask how it got its nickname) giving us information on the previous victims. The first is Scott Tillman, a teacher and the second is Jared Holt. The Fedcakes have not been successful in finding the link between the three victims.

This allows Charlie to have another one of his hero entrances, which Rob Morrow explicitly says he loathes in the DVD commentary for "Guns and Roses". The hero moment this time is the suggestion that it's the houses that will provide the connection.

I'm glad David points out that the Fedcakes have already looked into that aspect and that all three are listed by different agents (and probably all had a significant drop in price). Otherwise, I'd be obliged to ask if the Fedcakes all recently got IQ transplants from Colby.

Somebody on the Numb3rs writing staff has a overdeveloped sense of fairplay, as it's Larry that gets to explain further. I guess someone's making up for the next few months of Larry on 24. Together, Larry and Charlie, using a multi-dimensional compositional model, will find the reason the killer selects certain houses. Geeks to the rescue!

"Clothes make the man, maybe houses make the murderer." Ding! Ding! Ding! David says this week's Numb3rs Painfully Awkward Line™.

Title Flash.

Outside IHOF: Don, along with Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, are pedaconferencing about the killer's weird MO. Believing the killer is somehow involved in real estate, but having little connection between the three victims other than the fact they all made withdrawls from ATMs, the Fedcakes are stumped. They toss around a couple theories, a hustle gone wrong or perhaps drugs were involved but they all hope Megan will have more success with the first victim's wife.

Thus ends a completely superfluous scene. It's not like they didn't say anything we already extrapolated over the break. Plus, we didn't really have a good view of the three of them walking - which would have made this scene my favourite in this eppesode.

Tillman's: We start with a close up on some friendly family photos (not like that) and then pan to Megan, wearing her black pregnancy suit, talking to Mrs. Tillman. The wife has totally channelled Bree from Desperate Housewives both by being utterly polite and completely giving me the creeps.

The couple would've been married 16 years and it's been six weeks since her husband was murdered. Being all pitiful, we hear all about their kids Tom and Susan (Tom cries constantly, Susan not at all) and how the husband made all the financial decisions in the family. The wife thinks that her husband might've been planning to buy the house in which he was killed for her birthday.

It's at this moment I turn to the person with whom I'm watching the eppesode and say the wife did it. Why? If my husband were all, "Hi honey! I bought you a house for your birthday so now we're going to have to pack up all our stuff, get our mail forwarded and deal with unscrupulous movers. Plus, sweetie, it's just a few weeks until Christmas!" I'd kill him. In fact, beating him with a baseball bat would be too good for him.

Cal Sci: Larry is theorizing as to the psychological motives of the killer. Amita thinks that he's been spending so much time with Megan their minds are melding. "Maximize the hours," Larry responds euphemistically.

While all this is going on, Larry has been playing with his telescope (not like that) for Megan (not like that) as it's a key part of the plan for them to watch each other while he's in space (exactly like that).

A weird tribble-like noise emerges from Larry's pocket and I'm far more likely to believe he's got a tribble in his pocket more than what emerges, a cell phone. Could the technophobe be on his was to a full recovery?

The call is from NASA, Larry's be inexpicably scratched from the mission and we're left with several questions. Whatever could it be? Why at the last minute is this happening? Why does this scene have two Star Trek references? Isn't that a little stereotypical for math geeks? How does it reflect on me that I noticed?

IHOF: Once again at the pregnancy desk, Megan is explaining to David that she may have found the connection and it may have a sexual component. She refuses to say anything more until she's "finished her homework." While this is an admirable quality and any scene with some Diane Farr / Alimi Ballard interaction is cool, this is the second superfluous scene this eppesode.

La Maison d'Eppes: Of all people, Alan provides an explanation as to why Larry no longer has the right stuff. Some "unnamed rival" from some "unnamed institution" on the East Coast demanded that a further background check on Larry be completed. The results of said background check were that NASA had some concerns about his "recent lifestyle choices," a phrase which here means living in the steam tunnels or the LIGO lab.

Out of curiousity, how could NASA miss Larry's propensity for oddness during the first background check? Who was looking, Mr. Magoo?

The suspect for ratting out Larry is Mildred "Call me Millie" Finch. Charlie's incensed on Larry's behalf but Alan defends Millie. Alan, what's become of you? Why did you turn to the dark side? Did they have cookies?

Amita also openly defends Millie and because Millie is the department chair, she wouldn't have a choice but to say something if NASA asked. Uh, Amita, Alan can get away with doing something like this as we all adore Alan. You're not that beloved to get away with supporting Millie yet. I know, you're perfectly justified because it's logical reasoning, but really, couldn't you sound a little more upset for Larry?

Distracting Charlie from his ire, Alan comes up with the connection between the three houses, location, location, location. Through the use of Charlie-vision, he gets the idea to study the neighbourhoods.

IHOF: Megan's found the connection. Victim three was sexually abused as a child and, while suffering from the disease WTFtactpleaseitis, says that molestation is the "gift that keeps on giving." Victim two solicited an underage prostitute and victim one switched schools, often. Oh Numb3rs writers, can we please stop having the teachers molesting students? I do nothing but heap love on Charlie you so could you please not cast aspersions in the direction of my profession? That's twice in one season!

Colby's found proof of Megan's theory as all three victims' internet histories show sites like "cheerleaderdiaries.com." You know that Ick Meter I mentioned earlier? I think this eppesode is trying to find the top level.

Later, Megan fills in Don on the connection. Using the victims' internet histories, the Fedcakes will try to find whoever they solicited. Then, they'll use the handle to find the killer, whoever he may be, they theorize.

Never has a pronoun been so misleading.

Tillman's: Megan's gone to confront Bree about her husband's sexual preferences. At first, she says nothing but then justifies her silence by saying she had a 16 year marriage to protect, her husband went to counselling and he promised never to touch the kids.

So let me get this straight. Child molestation is all right, as long as it's not his own child? (There isn't enough disinfectant in the world for my keyboard now. I'll have to buy a new one after this recap is over!) You know how Time magazine said the person of the year is the collective "you"? They may want to take that back in Bree's case.

Cal Sci: Charlie is brooding and Amita wisely knows it Charlie Eppes worried about a friend as opposed to Professor Eppes puzzling over a math problem. With that comment, Amita erases any ill will from earlier when she defended Millie. She truly does get Charlie. (Not that get. Then it would be all out war.)

Charlie is worried that he was actually happy when he heard Larry would be scratched from the mission and thinks he's a horrible person. Amita avoids saying what we're all thinking, that yes, in this case he is being really selfish, but instead insists it's just because he was worried for Larry's safety. Thus Amita becomes the one moment of tact in this eppesode. If only tact was the gift that keeps on giving.

Back on the case, Amita's reprogrammed the search to look for places of high interest for teenagers, malls, movie theatres and schools. All three houses are near them.

Restaurant: Larry is bemoaning his woes to Megan. He's afraid he's too much of a freak to have the right stuff.

Megan tells him he's not a freak but a "delightful, charming, sexy ecentric." What is it with only the women having tact in this eppesode and only when they're with their significant others?

Larry tells the story behind his purchase of his '31 Ford; he loved the hood ornament which is a bird in flight. Now he feels like his wings have been clipped. Poor Larry, he's so upset he can't even come up with an original and convluted metaphor.

IHOF: Colby and David have come up with the handle of the killer, cheerchick15. Oh my god, does that mean Torrance Shipman, Lyla Garrity or Claire Bennet is the killer?

The reality is much sadder and nowhere near as cool. The handle belongs to one Brendan McCrary, whose daughter committed suicide after she was assaulted. Don orders Rozencrantz and Guildenstern to pick him up.

Soccer Field: David and Colby arrest the suspect in front of his kid at soccer practice. I know the suspect is being sought for his connection to multiple homicides, but I still feel a little bad for him and really horrible for the kid.

IHOF: McCrary insists that although cheerchick15 is his handle, he did not solicit any of the victims. He belongs to a group called "Parents Stop Predators" which finds perverts online then reports them to the police. McCrary joined after his daughter, who was attacked by a sex offender on parole, killed herself.

I know I should try to lighten the mood by saying something funny but I've just watched a scene about the failure of the justice system and the sexual assault and subsequent suicide of a 15 year old girl. Plus, the actor playing her father, totally sells me on his pain. What I wouldn't give for Colby to do something really stupid about now.

McCrary's wife doesn't help matters as she comes in and tees off at Don about law enforcement doing their jobs.

"I'm not sure this'll brighten the mood any," Colby says. What? It's going to get more depressing? Is that even possible? Instead all he has is that all of McCrary's actions in his vigilante group have been legal.

Charlie may be of some help. At least he's something pretty to look at which cheers me up a little. After Amita and Charlie examined the various places covered by Jessica's Law and that each of the three houses were in Jessica's Law hot zones. Megan thinks the killers message is that, despite the law, nowhere is truly safe and that the law can't stop them.

"What, only he can?" Don asks. Yet again, that misleading pronoun confuses our Fedcakes.

David arrives with news that a video has been uploaded. It's a video of John Santos confessing to molesting teenagers and they cut it off before the content of that video hits the highest level of my "Ick Meter." The problem is that the techs can't find from where it was uploaded.

"Who you gonna call?" Don asks.

"Ghostbusters!" I yell at the screen.

"Charlie," Davide replies. My response is way too much of my Pavlovian response to 80's pop culture stimuli cooler.

Cal Sci: Charlie figures that the killer is using an onion routing technique. In what I think needs to be nominated for a Nummy Award for best audience vision, Charlie explains that onion routing is like sending a series of letters inside other letter. Fortunately, he has an algorithm to help. (Doesn't he always?)

Megan, who brought the problem to Charlie in the first place even though David said he'd call, takes the opportunity to plead Larry's case to him. In the cutest moment of couple symbiosis this eppesode, she describes Larry as "a star collapsing in on itself." Surely with Charlie's knowledge of the scientific community, she reasons, he can find someone to help Larry.

At first, Charlie balks at the idea but Megan persists that even though they both don't want him to go, they need to let Larry be his steam tunnel living, '31 Ford driving, convoluted metaphor-making, white food eating self.

Outside IHOF: The increasing frequency of the kills (six weeks to ten days to 72 hours according to Colby but yet, there hasn’t been the fourth murder yet. Oh my God! Colby is psychic! That’ll drive Charlie nuts!) They’ll have to expect more bodies as the algorithm Charlie mentioned only works when the video is uploading.

While this is bad news for the case, it’s a great view for me as some kind cameraman gave us a full body shot of this pedaconference. In this eppesode so bereft of anything happy, I’ll take whatever I can find.

Later on, inside, the algorithm is being uploaded by a computer tech with Charlie breathing down the tech’s neck. I feel a stab of envy in the direction of the tech. As soon as it’s uploaded, it returns a hit, a video of a bloodied Wendell Henderson, who is confessing to the molestation of 40 young girls. Somehow, I’m not feeling that sorry for him. Charlie realizes the video feed is live and once the tech makes use of that technological marvel, Mapquest, the Fedcakes learn that Wendell is being killed at 252 Estrella.

252 Estrella: This may not be a Don-centric eppesode but I’ll forgive the overall lack of the older Eppes for the lovely scene with riot gear. Colby and David are tossed in for an extra special bonus (as opposed to an extra-special bonus that would be something entirely different).

The three force their way into the home only to find a very innocent mother and daughter, who obviously don’t understand their good fortune that it’s these three Fedcakes. Don apologizes for terrorizing the pair and Colby leans over and gently comforts them. I know our own illustrious Annie thinks Don being all paternal is excessively hot but Colby’s obviously been taking lessons.

Colby thinks that the killer must’ve piggybacked the router. Oh Colby, it’s a good thing you brought the hot because otherwise you’re not as fun when you’re smart.

IHOF / 252: Don calls Charlie, who thinks that the killer must be “borrowing” the WI-FI service. Charlie and the tech do a quick search of houses for sale in the area and locate the house at 2463 North Irving Boulevard.

Unfortunately, the Fedcakes arrive moments too late. The killer has fled leaving behind one dead Wendell and all of their computer equipment.

IHOF: The Fedcakes have learned that Wendell Henderson was a 32 year-old computer tech as well as being one sick puppy. As for the other clue, the computer equipment, it was purchased with cash and no one at the store remembers who bought it. The working theory is now that someone from Parents Stop Predators must’ve gakked McCrary’s handle to lure the men to their deaths.

Charlie suggests that he use the transcripts from the various chats of cheerchick15 to discover which of the people from Parents Stop Predators is the killer. Of course, Charlie explains it in an audience vision using phrases like LOL and that each person has a different linguistic signature.

Let me try my own audience vision. It’s like when a teacher knows some student plagiarized. We know the student’s writing style, vocabulary and syntax so it they suddenly start using phrases like the “the perspicacity of the argument evidently demonstrates,” we scream foul. I could’ve done what Charlie suggested for the FBI. In fact, I would’ve offered my services for free as long as no one at the FBI later charged me with sexual harassment. (I'm sorry, I thought that was your gun. Pardon me, I was just looking for your badge.)

Cal Sci: Megan’s carrying the pregnancy files and catches up with Amita who is carrying a sympathy pregnancy file. Megan’s brought with her the transcripts of the various chats and I still offer to do this for free. When Amita tells her that she’ll be helping Charlie with the analysis, Megan teases her about how well Charlie and Amita “work together.”

Amita coyly admits that they do work well together. Now, this statement can be seen two ways. The first is a burn for Charlie. The second is that Amita’s showing some tact about her relationship in her place of work. I’m choosing to believe the second. Yes, please take note. On this day, I, Spy, give Amita the benefit of the doubt.

Amita changes the subject to Megan and Larry. Megan admits that she’ll miss him more than she originally realized. It’s one hell of an adorable girly moment.

Larry’s Office: Charlie’s using all his NSA contacts to try to help Larry. He personally vouches for Larry as the “most decent person” he knows. We also get a nice factoid for the fanfic writers out there as we learn that Larry and Charlie have now, as specifically stated by the canon, known each other for 17 years.

Considering how hard it was for Charlie to make that phone call in the first place as not making it would keep his BFF with him at Cal Sci, I don’t know who is prouder of him, me, Megan or Amita who are eavesdropping outside the office door.

IHOF: Carrying the pregnancy coat, Megan arrives back at the office with Don where Colby waits to hear the results of Charlie’s linguistic analysis. Seriously guys, next time, just ask me. The results are that cheerchick15’s chat is 80% similar to McCrary’s.

Megan compares the results to people looking like their pets. (That is so not true. I could not possibly be as adorable as the two cutest dogs in the world, which I happen to have. I’m not biased.) She, more logically, compares it to how people in families sound alike. She dismisses McCrary’s wife, because her anger is out in the open and explosive, which leaves one family member, Matt, the son.

My stomach takes a turn at this as this kid’s suffered enough. I hope he’s not involved otherwise this is the second most depressing eppesode of the year for me. This one is the most depressing.

McCrary House: Matt denies killing anyone and Don says that anyone who killed the perverts were just as bad. The implication, of course, is that poor Matt is that person. Um, yeah, Don, he's a kid and that's harsh.

Eventually, we get the whole story. The poor lad not only lost his sister but by default, lost his parents and he found a sympathetic ear online. They talked about how counseling did not work and his father's involvement in Parents Stop Predators. It was to this person Matt gave the names of the victims. Understandably, considering all he's been through, Matt didn't fully understand the implications.

Yes again, a completely unfunny scene and it's topped off with a tactless Don. Please, someone try feeding Larry rainbow coloured food. Give me something to work with here.

Cal Sci: Larry's practically in orbit when he tells Charlie the good news; he's back on the mission. It seems that "someone" in the NSA did some arm-twisting. "Someone" of course, meaning Charlie.

Larry is suitably grateful but Charlie sees it as simply repaying a debt -- that and it will strengthen national security to have Larry off-planet. Charlie confesses the debt was that since Larry saw him "safely launched into the academic firmament," Larry now needs to be safely launched into orbit.

Really, this scene seems incomplete without a hug.

IHOF: Megan's made the connection as to what McCrary said online about counseling not working and something Bree, the first victim's wife said in the last interview. Also, the lack of a video confession is another strike against Bree as why would a confession be necessary if she already knew? What would she know? Again hitting the top of my Ick Meter, obviously Tillman was abusing his daughter. The assault on Susan, plus the letter sent by McCrary to Tillman threatening to expose him, were the catalysts of his demise.

Of course, one pervert wasn't enough so now Bree is on a one woman mission to take them all out. At no point in this scene does anyone point out that they would've solved the case ten minutes earlier if it hadn't been for the misleading pronoun.

Outside IHOF: In yet another pedaconference this eppesode, Megan, David and Don share the new information about Bree. According to her internet history, she contacted a variety of real estate companies under different aliases about buying a bigger house. A suspicious move for a woman that claims her husband made all the financial decisions. Also, Bree is currently out somewhere and the Feds have lost her. Megan's sure that she's lined up her next victim.

Inside IHOF: Charlie's located 5 houses that are both within Jessica's Law hot zones and with strong WI-FI connectivity. Don's relieved as he doesn't want to barge into the wrong house again.

And there it is ladies and gentlemen, the closest thing resembling a joke in this eppesode.

2152 Floresta: Megan and David are waiting in the car, probably cringing at the painfully bad acting they're about to confront. Letting SWAT go in first and take the killer out might've been less painful for everyone involved.

Inside, Bree and the intended victims are trading witticisms like:
"What do you want?!"
"Everything!"
And audiences everywhere know this isn't going to be an easy take down to sit through.

In reality, Bree is doing every stereotypically crazy thing (holding a knife to the pervert's throat, screaming when Megan's standing five feet from her, etc.) other than foaming at the mouth (which might've improved her delivery). Fortunately for the audience, Diane Farr didn't get bitten by the bad acting bug, as Megan talks Bree out of killing the victim. Megan promises Bree that the gift that keeps on giving gets regifted in prison.

I actually and, like this eppesode, without tact, laugh at this scene. I'm only jarred back into the seriousness of the moment when David tells the pervert to shut up after the pervert thanks him for saving his life. A couple years down the road in prison, the pervert's going to wish Bree killed him.

IHOF: The Fedcakes are saying goodbye to Larry and I can't tell who looks more pitiful, Megan or Charlie. Don gives the soon-to-be astronaut FBI gear because, actually, I don't know why unless the FBI is now recruiting from space. Colby jokes that the FBI probably already has operatives in space. I'm hoping that was a veiled X-Files reference because then that would be cool and allow me to forgive the writer for the painfully bad Bree take-down scene.

David best describes the Fedcake relationship with Larry, "It's often been confusing but it's always been real man."

Charlie promises to put any calls to Larry on the NSA's tab and the pair share that hug I wanted earlier. All this time, Megan's been trying not to cry and offers to walk Larry out. Charlie watches wistfully as Larry disappears around the corner, hand in hand with Megan.

At the door, Larry compares Megan's impact on his life to the impact the apple had on Newton's head. The simile should be funny, but when Larry says it, it's romantic. He leaves her after a sweet and sad goodbye kiss, to meet with his escort. Apparently during the background check NASA found out that he was directionally challenged as they've sent Buzz Aldrin, in a cameo role made of pure awesome, as an escort.

As "Rocket Man" plays, Larry and Buzz Aldrin, stride off into the great unknown.

La Maison d'Eppes: The entire cast sits around anxiously awaiting Larry's take-off and the chatter nervously as both Charlie and Megan try not to cry. 30 seconds before lift-off, Alan comes in with the most appropriate toasting beverage for Larry, milk. Of course, it's white milk as if Alan had used chocolate milk, the entire Numb3rs universe would collapse in on itself.

"May the orbit rise with you," Charlie toasts.

"May the solar winds be at your back," Don toasts.

"Aww, Don tried to say something geeky," I reply. Amita agrees with me.

The shuttle takes off and I'm as nervous as the characters on screen as I've avoided all spoilers and had the strange feeling the big goodbyes were maybe foreshadowing a disaster but as Larry safely slips the bonds of earth, Charlie whispers, "Godspeed Larry Fleinhardt."

Sniff.

Now that this eppesode is over, I'd like to make an open plea to the writers. We've had a lost of serious topics this season. Would you mind trying something a little bit more light-hearted? The great puppy caper for instance? A string of toy store robberies? The most lamentable comedy and most cruel theft of Don's pants?

Please? Think of it as a Christmas present.

One last thing before I'm off to bleach my keyboard: Happy Holidays everyone!