Numb3rs: Contenders (Episode 316)

So, my tenure at Fandom Talk ends with the annual develop-David eppesode. The irony does not escape me as the first recap I did as a regular Numb3rs recapper was last year's develop-David eppesode. Charlie would enjoy that little example of parallelism.

Opening Grid: 50 Milligrams, $39.95 Pay-Per-View, 3 Taps, 1 Champion 1045 screencaps, 29 Numb3rs recaps, 5 House recaps, 1 recapper sad to be moving on.

Gym: Shirtless, sweaty men workout and two, one tattooed dude and one in a blue helmet, pounding the crap out of each other. Yes, it's sexy. Before I go any further, this is David's development eppesode, I don't have to develop one damn bit. In fact, sometimes I'm sure I'm regressing.

Blue helmet guy, pounds the crap out of tattooed dude, and continues the pummeling even after the coach calls an end to the sparring match. Tattooed dude falls down, dead

La Maison d'Eppes: Candlelight romantically glows over a special evening of --Texas hold'em poker? What's wrong with this picture? I may not support Charmita but these are two young, attractive adults home alone, believing that Alan's gone for the weekend. Somehow, I think defending Larry's poker title while he's however many miles up in orbit would not be first and foremost on most people's minds.

For a math genius, the expected logical outcome should be painfully obvious.

The doorbell rings and it's Alan, who is delivering food -- or, at least, he took the food from the delivery guy. He's home early. It's only when Charlie stands up do I realize that he has on his suave pink pajamas, which means what I mistook for another strappy/lacy tank top is really a negligee and –

Now I get it; Texas hold'em is the break in between bouts of hot sweaty sex. Although, I would like to ask what it says about Charmita's usual wardrobe when I, a loyal, one might even say religious, viewer, doesn't recognize their attire as sleepwear?

Alan's all fumbly and Charlie's probably thinking this is karmic vengeance for his schadenfreude of two weeks ago, when Charlie interrupted Alan and Millie. This means, if you're playing the recap drinking game, you now need to chug.

Amita pulls herself together by putting on a kimono/bathrobe that covers far more than anything else she's worn in the last two seasons. Meanwhile, Charlie looks like, well, like a man who just realized he wasn't getting any more.

Gym: David arrives and since he can't give exposition to himself, without acting like either Sherlock Holmes or Dr. Gregory House, he has to listen to Detective Exposition. The Detective called because the suspect in the case dropped David's name. The story goes like this:

Blue Helmet = Ben Ellis. Dead Tattooed Dude = Pete Munsen. Munsen death = drugs. Octavio Lopez = Another guy who died while fighting Ellis. K = Kills, therefore BE + DTD + MD + OL = Ellis in a big pile of shit. As Ellis is taken downtown, David advises him to shut the hell up.

La Maison d'Eppes: Don's joined Charmita and Alan in the festivities. His father, brother and girl, girlf, girlfrie oh I can't! Amita all there? Both Amita and I wonder what Charlie's idea of a romantic evening really is. Not like that! Although, it was fun making it sound like that. Again, David's developing, I'm regressing.

The doorbell rings and Charlie's even more frustrated (exactly like that) but it's David asking for help. Who could resist such an independent, stalwart agent asking for help? Apparently, it's neither Charlie nor me. David's hoping that Charlie can use his mad math skillz like he did in "Calculated Risk" AKA, the eppesode where Don looks excessively hot while being all paternal. Charlie's not so sure that would work as he and Amita have mental intercourse about another possible method to narrow down the suspect list to a few viable targets. Alan, though, has another idea, that perhaps the only viable suspect is David's friend. Wow, Alan's a real downer for everyone this evening.

Title Flash.

Cop Shop: Detective Exposition has traded in that title for Detective Dickhead, as his whole reasoning behind question Ellis was because of a threat Ellis had supposedly made. Apparently, somebody skipped the English class when the difference between connotation and denotation was taught. This is clearly meant to be a moral lesson about never skipping class, either that or the fighters were just talking trash.

After David confirms that Ellis isn't about to be charged, Detective Dickhead insists Ellis can't leave town, as he's a material witness.

Once they are alone, David advises Ellis to get a lawyer and even offers to help him find one. Ellis' reaction is totally baffling as he's all angry at David for not helping him. Dude, he got the cop to back off and even offered to help you find good legal representation! What else do you want him to do? Help you organize a prison break? I mean, David's awesome, but he's no Michael Scofield. Besides, no one is allowed to besmirch David's character, not while I'm recapping this at any rate.

IHOF: Megan's Krav Maga class know all about the mixed martial arts league, the AFL, including that Dead Tattooed Dude couldn't have taken the champion and the deaths certainly aren't going to help a league trying to go legit. She's also confused as to why they're involved at all. Don insists that right now they're just playing a supporting role in David's development eppesode, unless they confirm that there really were two murders in two separate states.

Colby's taken over his partner's traditional role, and I'm willing to accept it, as long as I don't have to start calling him Rosencrantz. He's learned that Lopez, who was killed in Las Vegas, had a heart defect, and that was ruled the cause of death. The Vegas medical examiner is now taking a second look. You know what would have made this scene better? If Colby had complained that he first had to listen to some profound puns from the head of the crime lab before finally getting through to the air guitar playing medical examiner.

Morgue: It's Claudia Gomez, M.E. extraodinaire and 1/2 of my new OTP, Claudia and David. Since we all know what happened to my last OTP, send good wishes the way of this pair.

Proving she's David's equal, she tells us all about the manner of Dead Tattooed Dude's death; he was poisoned with 10-80, a drug that prevents the blood from processing oxygen. It's hard to find, but Claudia, the clever girl and, therefore, totally worthy to be made not only a recurring character but also David's girlfriend, was able to find it. The forensics team on scene though, even though Claudia knows the victim consumed it, couldn't find any traces. Obviously, that proves that Claudia is far more intelligent than an entire team of forensics experts. Somewhere, Gil Grissom cries.

She also gets David to open up about the rift between himself and Ellis. Although they were tight in school, with another kid named Earl, the pair drifted apart after Earl was killed.

So, Goodbye Earl.

Cal Sci: Charmita can't find anything the two fighters have in common, other than the inane desire to pound the shit out of other people. Things aren't looking too good for Ellis either, as the two deaths move him way up in the AFL rankings.

Charmita is confronted by Stanley, a bio-chem professor, AKA, Charlie's serious competition in the Texas Hold'em tournament. Stanley belittles Charlie while Charlie talks tough. It is, as Amita put is, "Geek trash talk." Please tell me someone nominated that line as "Best Amita Quote" in the Nummys.

Being the only one that isn't using poker as a metaphor for dick length, Amita tells Charlie to laugh it off. Charlie instead puts on his best sulky face.

AFL: Don and Colby are talking to the league's head who insists that, despite the concept of two men pounding the crap out of each other, the sport really isn't that brutal. I wonder if he's ever heard the term oxymoron?

It turns out that Dead Tattooed Dude was a college grad and all-round nice guy under the tattoos and penchant for beating up other people. What a peach! The real reason though the league head is upset we learn, is because the deaths will totally screw with the AFL's petition to become legitimate.

Gym: David meets Detective Dickhead, who has even more exposition. Lopez, heretofore known as Dead Vegas Dude, was also killed with 10-80 and what did the forensics guys, who just a couple scenes earlier hadn't found a single trace of it on scene discover? They found 10-80 all over Ellis' locker and gym bag. Methinks this is all a bit suspicious, and my suspicions are all but confirmed when Detective Dickhead does everything but blow a raspberry at David in trying to say, "Nyah, ne nyah, I'm right, loser."

Ellis' Hotel: Rosencrantz and Guildenstern go to arrest Ellis, but instead of coming out peacefully, Ellis kicks David in the gut. I totally rescind any support I ever had and will have for this guy. He then escapes by sliding down the streetlight post, and I don't think that exit was supposed to be funny, but it keeps me giggling all through the commercial break.

IHOF: David's walking like a guy who is seriously hurting but <Don just wants to know what happened. Colby becomes my hero (momentarily) when he defends his partner and the team gets to work tracking down Ellis' acquaintances.

Cal Sci: In what is rapidly becoming the best eppesode ever for hilarious Charlie expressions, Charmita is standing outside his office. He's not permitted to enter because Stanley skunked his office. Inside was his laptop which had his superseckrit program to help him become the bestest poker player ever! Charlie is not as amused as both Amita and I are.

In the most disappointing moment of this eppesode, Colby arrives. He's hoping that Charlie can help track down Ellis by using both his training regiment and his and David's mutual friends. Why is this so disappointing? Because, as much as I mock Colby, I have complete faith in his ability to make snarky comments at mildly inappropriate times. Despite the fact that Charlie's office being skunked is the best opportunity Colby has ever had, this week, Colby says nothing. Is it possible to give the NPAL™ to a line that wasn't even said? Why am I asking myself? I expect something spectacularly snarky next week.

IHOF: Megan's playing behaviouralist and figures that Ellis simply didn't have the foresight to plan the murders. David disagrees, as Ellis spent two years in Juvenile detention for starting the fight that got Earl killed. Despite what the Dixie Chicks said, black-eyed peas were not involved. David's point though, has nothing to do with the Dixie Chicks, has to do with the fact that in Juvie, Ellis would've learned to plan.

La Maison d'Eppes: Charlie's got class. Specifically, he has class in his living room. Oh no! Please don't tell me the lime green bowl was displaced!

Charlie dismisses the students and then tells Alan all about his office skunking. Somehow an odd series of events leads to an indecipherable Charlie-vision. The series of event involves music, notes, call answer and the best offense being a good defense. I'm left totally confused.

IHOF: The indecipherable Charlie-vision leads to an even more incomprehensible plan and algorithm to catch Ellis. This time, it involves a symphony, notes, Amita's laptop and four computers Megan had the network techs string together. Either that, or it's the beginning of a techno-geek joke.

While the actual way all of this works escapes me, I'm satisfied as this scene provides the real reason Charlie is so determined to win at poker. He wants it as a "welcome back from your space walk" gift for Larry. I mean, what does one get a man who has just returned from space? I pretty sure the etiquette books didn't cover that one.

Ellis' Cousin's: Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are staked out in front of Ellis' hideout. No one's home, but David spots Ellis walking up the street like he hasn't a care in the world. How can this guy not know law enforcement is after him? I mean, doe Ellis think that the Fedcakes will attempt to capture him only one at a time like evil ninjas in a bad Kung Fu movie?

I would like to stipulate that the evil ninjas are not a reference to my ninjas. My ninjas only use their mad ninja skillz for the power of good and to take down the evil forces of the BDC. I just realized, this'll be my last reference to the Big Damn Conspiracy in a recap. That makes me sad.

David confronts Ellis and tries to arrest him peacefully. Ellis refuses to surrender and even dares David to shoot him. Right idea, wrong partner, as it's Colby who promises to shoot Ellis. I melt into my couch over the loyalty David still feels for Ellis and that Colby feels for David.

IHOF: Ellis insists he's innocent and I momentarily believe him, until he takes a verbal swipe at both David's manhood and loyalty. Dude, he didn't shoot you when you resisted arrest. Show a moment of gratitude.

David finally loses it and lunges at Ellis but <a href="http://media.fandomtalk.org/main.php?g2_view=core.DownloadItem&g2_itemId=4098&g2_serialNumber=2">Colby's cool head prevails</a>. I can't believe I just typed that.

Later, Don goes to talk to David in the break room. I learn something much more disconcerting than David's sudden flash of temper -- he doesn't drink coffee. Oh David, this might cause a rift in our relationship as I don't understand people who don't share my caffeine addiction. That, as isn't it a requirement on network television that all members of law enforcement must drink coffee?

David blames his loss of temper on Ellis' ability to drive him crazy, and asks Don if he can understand that.

"You've met Charlie, right?" Oh Don, hee!

David's ultimately not certain of Ellis' guilt and Don warns him that he should be certain. Apparently, Don once put the wrong guy in prison for ten years, and it still haunts him.

La Maison d'Eppes: Charlie loses what looks to be his 23894723th (actual number) hand of poker to Alan. The only advice Alan has is for his son to pull his head out of the percentages and look at the players. Charlie needs to find Stanley's tell.

On the Street: David's going for a walk with Claudia, who is listening sympathetically to David's concerns. He wants her to check the tainted gym bag for Ellis' DNA, as he thinks it might be a plant. Despite the fact it's technically an LAPD case and David surreptitiously provides her a sample of Ellis' DNA, Claudia agrees. Not only does she understand what it's like to have a past one thinks they've escaped catch up them but also, it gives her an excuse to steal a kiss from David.

I squee in delight. I've not squeed like that since "Guns and Roses".

AFL Ring: Rosencrantz and Guildenstern attend an AFL press conference about the upcoming fight. It's really just a pair of athletes posturing and it is blessedly ended by a phone call.

IHOF: Charlie's come to seek Megan's advice about spotting Stanley's tell. Megan advises that it's something that needs to be observed, like Don's tell -- checking his watch. Oh yeah, and she won't help Charlie set up surveillance on Stanley.

Morgue: Claudia has found something. To be more accurate, she's found nothing. Ellis' DNA is nowhere on the gym bag. It was a plant.

IHOF: The Fedcakes are now back at square one and decide to take a new approach, seeing if anyone has a grudge against either the league or its head.

AFL Headquarters: So David and Don go to ask the League Head about it. He implies that almost any major league sport would be out to get him, particularly with his ratings. Please, like Major League Baseball declaring war on the AFL. Okay, maybe if Dubya had gotten his childhood dream of being its president. The League Head then goes on to imply that the Fedcakes are fabricating the case, as Detective Dickhead had told him all about the past between David and Ellis.

Don proves he's the man, by threatening the AFL and gets the files he requests, and the head to back off his man.

Lockup: After Ellis' release, he and David finally have it out about the event that drove the wedge between them all those years ago.

Ellis was angry that his best friend didn't once see him during his stretch in Juvie, and that Earl actually started the fight that got him killed. The only reason Ellis plead guilty was that some lazy ass legal aid lawyer told him he'd get 20 years if he didn't win with self-defense.

Oh David, the great man of exposition, I think you need some exposition about your own life.

Ben then drops another bombshell. In the AFL, rankings don't matter, if the AFL Head doesn't want you to fight.

Cal Sci: Charlie's lost it. He's hanging out in his not deskunked (is that a word?) office. David and I are fully in agreement that it's not possible to get past the smell.

Charlie's watching security footage of Stanley. The previous night, Charlie had one of Alan's contractor friends to come in and drywall over Stanley's office door, in hopes of stressing him out enough to reveal his tell. It works, as Stanley rubs his nose, twice.

We all catch a glimpse of what Don meant when he said Charlie could drive him crazy. Can't you just see it? "Dad, Charlie super-glued my baseball to my new glove," or, "Dad, Charlie used an algorithm to reprogrammed the cable converter to prevent me from watching any sports!"

Charlie's success at discovering Stanley's tell is tempered when he finds that all of Charmita's earlier fighter calculations are worthless.

IHOF: Megan's been buried by the files from the AFL that Don requested. Fortunately, they also reveal a motive. The league is seriously overextended and the head has a chance to lose it all if the Pay-Per-View deal doesn't work out.

Later, Charmita reveals that the rankings, not the fights, have been fixed. The League Head has been careful to pair up the challenger in the up and coming championship fight with only fighters he can easily beat. The reason is simple, the Pay-Per-View deal only stands if the challenger fights in the championship fight. The new problem is that now Ellis is set to fight the challenger, and that means David might lose his other childhood best friend.

Morgue: Megan and Claudia are bonding, I hope it's because Megan knows she'll be seeing a lot more of Claudia.

In reality, they're going over the evidence, to find out how the 10-80 was ingested by Dead Tattooed Dude. Claudia did an extensive search but can't find any reason the poison would be laced with silicone. Megan holds up the victim's mouthpiece. It wasn't the poison laced with silicone, it was the silicone mouthpiece laced with poison.

When trying to call David to warn him, Megan only gets his message service.

Fight: In the dressing room, David and Colby have had everything surrounding Ellis checked, except the mouthpiece, which is picked up by one of the League Head's henchmen.

The fight starts like any other -- a smarmy MC and a chick in a bikini introduce the fighters. The camera zooms in on the mouthpieces as they are given to the fighters. The League Head checks his watch. Hey, didn't Megan mention earlier that checking one's watch could be a sign of stress, or a tell? Fortunately, I wasn't the only one who noticed, so did David.

Surprisingly, Ellis easily wins and somehow, David's holding the poisoned mouthpiece as he arrests the AFL's head.

Staring proudly at his closest childhood friend, he watches as Ellis and Colby bond over Colby's assurance that he was more than willing to shoot Ellis outside his cousin's house. Only men could bond over something like that.

Finally, David and Ben Ellis bury the past. David tells his friend he loves him and the two hare a manly hug. The only way this scene could've had a happier ending is if Claudia suddenly showed up.

Texas Hold'em: Speaking of winning, Charlie shows that he knows when to hold'em and knows when to fold'em while Don, Alan and Amita watch. The final hand is being played and the room is a-flutter with tension. In the middle of it, Stanley rubs his nose and Charlie goes all in.

Of course, knowing the tell was made a moot point as Charlie had a flush to Stanley's two pair. Somewhere in space, Larry relaxes, knowing his place at the final table is assured.

Charlie looks thrilled and I realize this really was a show about loyalty: David's to Ellis, Colby's to David and Charlie to Larry.

And me to this show. This may be my last recap here at Fandom Talk, but you can find me and my ninjas, (yes, I'm taking them too) snarking here, starting next week. I hope to see you all there and thanks for reading.

*Hugs Fandom Talk*