America's Next Top Model- The Girls Who Go To Prom

Cycle 8 of America's Next Top Model started off with a two hour block chock-full of the drama, ego and unintended hilarity that makes this show so darned lovable. Tonight the girls get down to business, honing the catwalk and catfight techniques that will serve them as this cycle progresses.

Our 12 model wannabes return to their fabulous house post-panel. They miss Kathleen. I don't blame them, she was brilliant. Jaslene gets on the phone with her mother and talks about how awesome she is...girl is so high on herself there's no place to go but down. Samantha gets on the phone and cries to her father about how weird the other girls are. She just doesn't fit in at the house, and would love to be at home.

Tyra Mail arrives, which means no more foreshadowing via family phone calls. It reads: "Babies learn to do it, can you?" The girls, obviously satisfied with themselves, answer in unison: "Walk!". I begin to wonder whether Tyra is dumbing down her mail this season so the girls don't get so confused trying to solve her "riddles".

Sure enough they're walking, which can mean only one thing: it's Miss J Time. J comes out dressed as a catholic schoolgirl followed by a marching band known for their choreography and precision. They're also known for cleverly illustrating points about skills required on the runway, but J lets us infer that on our own. "She" has the girls walk down lines on the track wearing what might be a school uniform, if your school made you wear visors and hot pants. Felicia keeps her arms out like she's holding groceries. Samantha holds her right arm stiffly. Natasha is told she is marching, though it appears that she hears it as "martian". Either way, she feels very good, thank you comrades. Renee walks too much on her heels. Also, she's a complete bitch. She calls Jaslene, who is far too confident in her walk, "Little Miss Cha Cha Diva". I cannot wait for the showdown between these two.

We're treated to another bit of awkward point illustration when Miss J points out airplanes flying over head. Their precision and timing should inspire the girls, who are about to have to work the runway in groups of three. She choreographs their walk and some of the girls really struggle with it...when to criss cross, when to pose, and when to just stand in place looking fierce. They head to a gym on campus where they meet Roy Campbell, the runway producer who ran the inspired "Aswirl twins technique on a church catwalk" challenge a few cycles ago. He informs them that today they'll be putting on a prom fashion show for the high school covering three dress categories: Modern, 80's, and ghetto fabulous. Natasha adjusts her fur hat and comments sadly, "We have no prom in communist Russia".

While backstage, Sarah confirms that she's a true pro by delivering our first Cover Girl plug of the season: "These are cute shadows!". Natasha tries to tell Jael not to mess up the walk (and guessing from her statements last week, not to look so "masclin"). Jaslene refuses to practice the choreography. She owns walking, and the rest of these bitches should just sit back and watch.

The show begins and our groups are:

1. Jael, Sarah and Natasha
2. Renee, Dionne and Cassandra
3. Samantha, Felicia and Whitney
4. Brittany, Diana, and Jaslene

In all categories the dresses are kind of hideous. In Sarah's case, one of them is downright useless, flying open and revealing her breasts to a gym full of adolescents. We witness a number of catwalk crashes, and a lot of hamming it up for the crowd (Renee, anyone?). At the end of the show, Roy offers the girls his thoughts:

- Natasha isn't cognizant of any of the other girls on the runway, or much of anything else, really.

- Samantha needs more attitude.

- Renee is average (this, as you may guess, is deemed UNFAIR! by Renee)

- Sarah probably could have afforded to break character and cover herself, given the crowd.

- Jaslene clearly didn't care about the choreography and made the most mistakes (She is floored. Renee looks like she might burst with joy).

- Brittany has a strong look and "gets" the catwalk, winning her the challenge.

The prize is a giant trophy with a gold shoe super-glued to the top. Hey, at least Brittany doesn't have to worry about the other girls getting jealous.

Speaking of jealous, were any of them able to top Miss J.?

...not a chance.

At home, Renee starts stirring the pot. She keeps pressing Jaslene for her feelings about Brittany's win and Roy's critique of her runway skills. In another room, Felicia says she can feel the tension in the house, and it's obvious that Jaslene thinks she should have won the giant kitschy trophy. Jaslene confronts Felicia who brilliantly responds:

"And? Your point?"

This nonchalance sends Jaslene straight to the phone for a cry-session with her Mom. "They're mad because I'm the best walker!" she wails. No, Jas, you're mad because you think you're the best walker, and you done got told otherwise. The other girls sit outside and watch Jaslene cry. Renee told them the fighting would begin after the first elimination. To be fair though, she only knew because she planned on instigating it.

Tyra Mail waits for no tears! Natasha grabs the envelope and reads: "I'm so glad we're B.F.F. Good luck with all you do and don't forget to K.I.T.". To the other girls this sounds like: " Ya ne gavareeu na angliyskom, Brezhnev, Stalin, nyet nyet nyet". Eventually all is cleared up and the girls deduce their pictures are once again school related. In fact, they return the very next morning to the very same high school the fashion show was at only to meet with Mr. J. Their photo shoot this week is based on high school cliches. Renee will be the class clown, Whitney the mean girl, Jael the bookworm, Felicia the jock, Cassandra a cheerleader, Jaslene the weirdo girl, Diana student body president, Brittany the valedictorian, Dionne the bad girl, Natasha the teacher's pet, Sarah a class flirt, and sweet Samantha the girl with a bad reputation (also known as school slut). An Herbal Essences stylist is there to do their hair and deliver a 20 minute in-show commercial for the company. In between her glowing product reviews, the girls manage to take pictures for this week's judging.

- Jael loves her look and has fun with it on set

- Sarah needs to learn to go with her first instinct

- Dionne thinks she would have been better at slutty but finds her inner "bad girl"

- Cassandra decides to turn her cheerleader into a reluctant cheerleader, for no apparent reason

- Renee doesn't like being the class clown. It's too hard for her and it's unfair. Everyone knows that class clown doesn't lend itself to fiercitude

- Samantha has gone from playing a lesbian to ho. She's scandalized, someone fetch her some smelling salts

...Somewhere in the distance Renee cries, because she could have rocked Samantha's look...

- Brittany gets another upercrusty pic and looks gorgeous

- Mr. J thinks Whitney could go further to create a deeper character

- Diana is sexy and confident

- When Felicia jumps she is graceful and manages to keep her face pretty

- Jaslene decides she's not going to learn anything from other girls, they're going to learn from her. As bitchy as she is, she nails it.

...Somewhere in the distance, Renee blubbers that she should have been given something she was good at, like, how Jaslene is good at being weird...

- Natasha doesn't understand the task, and even fails at imitating what she sees in magazines

...Somewhere in the distance, Renee announces to no one that she could have understood! She could have imitated! Why, God, why?!!...

Once the other girls retrieve Renee from her mystery whining spot they return to the house to find Tyra mail. Jael reads it to the group, naked. Samantha is once again appalled as there is a time for nudity, and it's not when reading the words of someone as important as Tyra Banks. Panel is coming up, and only 11 of them will continue on in the hopes...of becoming...americasnexttopmodel. Natasha hasn't been this nervous since the first time her Babushka sent her to the bread line by herself. It was so cold that winter.

Upon arrival at panel, Tyra congratulates the girls on looking beautiful. It's a shame they can't reciprocate by complimenting Tyra's head scarf. After announcing the prizes for the bazillionth time, she lets the girls know that Roy Campbell is on the panel this week, and that Miss J will be adding ruffles to his neck post elimination instead of removing flowers. Whatever floats that fab boat is all right with me. The girls come forward to see their best shots.

- Sarah looks a little too sexy

- Cassandra needs to be more exagerrated in her boredness, so Tyra kindly shows her how easy that might be for a supermodel media mogul to do

- Diana brings a nice snooty factor to her student body president picture

- Dionne strikes a great pose, and the judges love her eyes and pout

- Brittany has a timeless face, and she nailed the photo.

- Samantha isn't trampy enough. Tyra explains that her face says: "I think I'm a ho?" and continues, "most modeling is just turning ho poses into fashion". Of course, any Tyra lesson is best learned through visual aid, so she proceeds to turn all kinds of ho moves into haute couture before our very eyes.

- Felicia looks great, she moved well and had a ton of shots to choose from

- Jael pulls fashion through her nerdish exterior

- Jaslene took another great picture, but she starts crying because it's been such a stressful week in the house. She tells the judges she "not only wants this but desires it". Also, she wishes, hopes, and yearns for it. Back in the pack of girls, Renee laughs (this girl needs to choose, is she the victim or the badass?). The judges tell Jaslene that she has what it takes, so she better toughen up.

- The judges think Whitney needs to work on her body language and facial range. Whitney protests that there were marks she had to hit. Funny, that reminds Tyra of a shoot she just did for Vanity Fair. Did she still rock it? You best believe she did, bitch, now sit.

- Renee comes up and her tragic class clown assignment ends up treating her well. Tyra wants her to watch the face, but Nigel loves her commitment.

- Teacher's pet Natasha's picture is laughably bad. She looks like she's a gypsy who's wandered into a classroom to sell fruit. Like Kathleen last week, she never quite figured it out. Mr. J says her shoot was the hardest to direct ever, even worse than Ann from cycle 3. Because Natasha remembers Ann as very beautiful she takes her criticism as a compliment.

It's discussion time. There's something about Renee that touches Tyra. Perhaps she's that pain in the ass that's been plaguing her? Whitney needs the upcoming makeover. Twiggy wants to slap Natasha. If Jaslene went into castings without her book she would never get hired. Sarah is birdlike. Samantha has no personality and is too bottled up. Twigs thinks Dionne turned out a "very saucy photograph!". Felicia did some good work as well, but more importantly, does Tyra see herself in the shot?

At last, Tyra brings the girls back and starts pulling photos. In order, she announces: Jaslene, Felicia, Diana, Renee, Brittany, Cassandra, Dionne, Jael, Whitney, and Sarah. Left awaiting their fates are Samantha and Natasha, two girls with strong faces who are lacking elsewhere. Is Samantha too young? Does she have personality? Is Natasha unphotogenic? Does she have a green card?

In the end Natasha stays. Tyra explains that while they're equally pretty on the outside, Natasha is prettier on the inside. That won't hurt young Sam at all.

Next week it's dramatic makeover time, Renee picks more fights, and Jael gets bad news from home.