American Idol- What's My Line?

Congratulations, America! We've gotten through another American Idol hurdle and we're finally at the for real, guys and girls together, big stage, guest mentors, top contestants portion of the show. And while we're handing out congrats, how about some for Idol itself? No? Well they're doing it anyways. If you have zero short-term memory here's a list of the stars they've discovered: Kelly Clarkson, "Daughtry", Carrie Underwood, Fantasia Barrino and Jennifer Hudson. Who will they discover this year? Not Sanjaya Malakar.

Ryan Seacrest has blessed us with his presence tonight, and wants to let us know that Idol is huge, blahity blah blah. He thinks it's great to be back in the big studio with the larger audience and band. Tonight we'll be seeing (in order) Brandon, Melinda, Chris Sligh, Gina, Sanjaya, Haley, Phil, Lakisha, Blake, Stephanie, Chris Richardson and Jordin. You'll be unsurprised to learn that Randy, Paula and Simon will be on hand to judge those performances. On a side note, I caught an episode from Season 1 the other day, and was delighted to remember a time when America was sweet, and therefore booed everything Simon said. Ah, simpler times.

It's Diana Ross night on Idol. She's much less crazy than I imagined her to be, and I actually enjoy her supportive take on her role as "mentor". That doesn't mean I'm psyched to hear her perform at the results show though...

Brandon: Brandon has been exposed to celebrities due to his job, but he thinks Diana is the original. She likes him all right. Singing "Can't Hurry Love", Brandon begins with his back to the audience, snapping. That's a high starting cheese factor and sadly we have nowhere to go but up. I hate his shirt. I know its not singing, but that whole dip-dye thing is not my cuppatea. Boring boring...what's this? Voice cracks? Porkchops and applesauce? And now...lyric forgetting? He sounded all right, but seriously, Brandon should be blowing me away. Randy thinks he reverted to background singer mode. Paula says it's not easy to transition to the big stage and he knows what he did wrong. Simon thinks he was actually more like a background singer to a background singer (it's like being in a room of mirrors and seeing your image stretch into infinity, that simile). Brandon has put himself in trouble.

The cast of Bones is in the house tonight, which immediately puts me on edge. Is there a rotting carcass somewhere? Is it Brian Dunkleman?

Melinda: Before we see her video and performance, Melinda gets a question from a fan. What's the hardest part of American Idol? Mel thinks it's the high heels and dresses because she's a tennies and sweats kinda girl. This cute and harmless answer prompts the following exchange...

Ryan- Simon, any advice on high heels?

Simon- You should know Ryan!

Ryan- Stay out of my closet!

Simon- Come out!

Ryan- This is about the top 12, not your wishes.

Melinda is amazed by the madcappery. I am unamazed by the continued gay jokesterism. On with the show.

Melinda is excited because she's an old school motown girl at heart. Diana is excited because she has heard so much about Melinda. She says that when Mel sings, she gets goosebumps. Even performing the fairly boring "Home" from The Wiz, I have to agree. I love when Melinda nods at me, as though to say "Fuck yes, I am singing this song for you and I am nailing it." I am reminded of an MTV awards show from a few years back, where Sisqo, after regaling us with "The Thong Song", taunted "Who performin' next?" before tossing his mic to the ground, disgusted. That was hilarious, but Melinda might be able to get away with it and be taken seriously. Who's going to top her tonight? Instead though, Mel is humbled by the experience, shedding tears of joy at the end of her song. Randy thinks Melinda is strong. Paula is crying, she loves to see Melinda's joy. Simon is confused by all the emotion, but eventually tells Mel she's like a young Gladys Knight.

Chris Sligh: Diana says that Chris was nervous. Chris says he doesn't get nervous. This disagreement is tense. Thank goodness they can bond over their hair, which is similarly large. Chris is going to sing "Endless Love". He's changed it up to modernize it, but Diana wants him to make sure he doesn't lose the melody in the process. Apparently, to Chris, modernization means Coldplayifying it. He's also modernized his own look, ditching the glasses and taming the 'do. It doesn't work for me. The hair doesn't work without the glasses. Also, seeing Chris after Melinda really puts things in a different perspective. When he's surrounded by the other guys he really stands out. He sounds good tonight, but the whole thing is kinda off. Randy thinks his vocals were good but the arrangement was a mess. Paula tells him not to worry about being hip and cool. Simon thinks he murdered the song, and tells him to put his glasses back on.

Gina: Gina is singing "Love Child", which Diana repeatedly insists she must "pronounciate". I like making up words as much as the next girl, but this one makes me giggle. She comes out onstage and before I can even think about her singing, I must take a moment to reject skinny jeans, ESPECIALLY the ones that bunch at the bottom like sweatpants. Ugh. Gina is so at ease ever since letting her "rocker" out. She sounds good, she's on key, she's got personality and in this group of girls, she stands out. Randy says it didn't really excite him. Paula says it's a feel good song (as most tunes about bastard children are...) and she's better than what she showed. Simon thinks it was just ok, but she chose the right song and projected the right image.

Sanjaya: According to Diana, Sanjaya is love. Tonight, Love will be singing "Ain't no Mountain High Enough". Diana also asserts that Sanjaya's spirit is his "winning ingredient", not his hair. Speaking of hair, I think Sanjaya stole my Elasto-Curl and scrunched his way to the stage. Tonight he's louder, he's dancing, and he tries. I almost like the song by the end, until he delivers a weirdly stacatto "Ain't. No. Mountain. High. Enough" while shaking his lovely locks. Randy thinks he belongs in Hair Idol. Paula wants him to "explode" with his vocals. Simon says something about Diana being a whale in Beverly Hills and/or wailing when she hears Sanjaya's performance. Either way, it's not positive.

Haley, My Nemesis: Diana says that Haley has a recording studio voice, not a live audience voice. Haley's goal this evening is to emote her way through "Missing You". She starts out rough, all over the place on her notes and practically eating the mic to be loud enough. She's perched in an awkward top 12 stool like she's afraid someone's going to take it away mid-song and give it to Sabrina. When she finally lets go, she forgets her lyrics...maybe that stool is her power object. It certainly isn't her dress, which is bizarrely cinched on her thighs for a bubbly diaper effect above. Haley ends the song with a nice big long note, but she knows she messed up. Randy says her pitch was worse than usual. Paula thinks she looks lovely, prompting one guy in audience to yell "yeah!" a little too enthusiastically. Simon doesn't think it was that bad, and says that Haley had real presence. The shock and subsequent tears this causes gives me the sneaking suspicion that she'll stick around. Fie upon Simon.

Phil: Phil asks Diana for some advice at the start of songs, since it's caused him so much trouble. She tells him (contrary to common wisdom) to look at the audience: they're real people. Unbelievably, this seems to work for Phil, whose low voice sounds much better tonight. In fact, I think it's probably Phil's best performance so far. Randy says his voice was hot but his performance was not. Paula wanted it a little more uptempo. Simon thinks Phil shouts too much.

Lakisha: Because we already know that "Kiki" can sing, her time with Diana is spent mulling over wardrobe choices and microphone placement. She decides to sing "God Bless the Child" in a long white silk number, sans mic-stand. I like the cut of the dress, but the color makes me feel like she's having a casual wedding at the courthouse later in the evening. Regardless, she sounds amazing. She has a beautiful voice, so much presence, attitude, and personality. Randy thinks it was sensational, which I believe is a word he had never used before. Paula says her heart comes through when she sings. Simon announces that Lakisha has "it", and thinks she and Melinda are in a different league from the other contestants. Duh.

Blake: Beatboxer Blake took "Keep Me Hangin' On", put it in his computer, added beats, and slowed it down. Diana likes what he's done, and is excited to hear it. Blake promises to take the song from the sixties to the aughts, but as soon as he starts it's clear he only got halfway there, ending up somewhere in the sweet keyboard-laden eighties. And the lights! Oh my god, the lights! This is like a nightmare. Still, his voice sounds great and he shows once again how to balance movement and singing in a performance. Also, I have to give a guy props for putting himself out there with a risky arrangement. Randy tells him he doesn't need to Blake-ize every song. Paula still thinks it was better than what Chris Sligh did. Simon didn't get it at all.

Stephanie: Steph is in love with Diana Ross. Diana thinks Steph is small in stature but big in talent, much like herself a few decades ago. Singing "Love Hangover", she sounds good. I like her tone, and that's what puts her close to Mel and Kiki for me. Also, you know that Stephanie is going to go all out, every week, and that's fun to watch. Randy thinks she forgot some words, which I totally missed. Paula wants to know why she didn't get into the uptempo part. Simon says it was a strange arrangement, because she teased everyone without giving them what they wanted. Being unfamiliar with the song, I had no idea I was being teased, and therefore enjoyed it.

Chris Richardson: Chris is starstruck upon meeting Miss Ross, but she likes him. She tells him to find the hook in "The Boss" and work the audience. Working the audience with an uptempo song is Chris' strong suit. Though his voice isn't the best, he gets as much out of it as he can, and fills the rest in with salesmanship. He's also our first contestant this year to get up on the mini catwalk stage behind the judges, which earns him a few points with me. Randy reminds Chris that sometimes he can stay on the melody. Paula thinks he nailed the blend of bringing a contemporary feel into the classics. Simon says if you take the charm and personality out, Chris' vocals were dreadful. Though "dreadful" is a bit much, it's a valid point.

Jordin: Diana thinks Jordin is gorgeous and has star quality because of her smile and the shine in her eyes. Showing her youth, Jordin is singing a song from The Land Before Time, the animated dinosaur version of An American Tail. She starts out sitting on the side of the stage, which always means it's touching moment time on Idol. Sarcasm aside, there's something exciting about Jordin in contrast to Melinda and Lakisha, because there's improvement to be seen. I like her, and I want her to grow each week. Her voice is beautiful tonight, and she shows off a lot of dynamic range. Randy thinks she made it a three-girl race. Paula says she's a breath of fresh air. Simon thinks the song was a little bit gooey (which Jordin expected), but it was very very good vocal, and she's put herself on the shortlist. As Ryan announces her numbers, she does her little "pretending to be Ryan's height" thing, which cracks me up.

At the end of our first big co-ed episode, Brandon, Sanjaya and Haley should be in trouble. I say Brandon goes home first because though I suspect he is talented, he's wasted too many opportunities to really prove it.