Law & Order: SVU (3/13/2007 - Repeat) No Rape (sigh) but Bob Saget Makes an Appearance

The show opens with two teenagers that are about lose their virginity in Central Park. Just as the young man is about to finally seal the deal and subsequently lose all interest in his girlfriend, a dog runs up barking and cockblocks him. “What's that Lassie? A woman has been raped and left gasping for breath just a few steps away? Good girl..." The young girl, her boyfriend, and his blue balls run to see what the dog was barking about and indeed find a woman struggling for breath and a man in a trenchcoat running away. They ask her if she has been raped and she nods before passing out.

Aaahhhh....this really took me back to my “first time". She was a uni-browed Carney who taught me the mysterious joys of lovemaking on top of a majestic heap of bagged cotton candy and at the peak of my ecstasy she finished me off by sticking a caramel apple up my butt. I still get a feeling of deep desire and romance every year when they start setting up the Farris Wheel. But I won't bore you with the same old story of growing into manhood and trying to scrub caramel out of your ass.

Detective Elliot Stabler and Doctor Melinda Warner arrive on the scene. They find a credit card and a coffee shop receipt on the victim, which gives the name of the victim as Danielle Mason.

Detective Stabler goes to interview Wes Masoner. During the interview, we learn that Wes Masoner, despite looking like Euro-Trash and working as a dance choreographer, has somehow married himself a top-shelf model. During their meeting, they are interrupted by Glen and Naomi Cheals. Naomi is a dancer at Wes' studio and Glen is Bob Saget acting like a geeky tech-guy. And I'm serious. It actually is Bob Saget. Detective Stabler offends Wes by accidentally referring to the deceased as “Dani." Freudian slip? Does Stabler wish that his ex-temporary partner was raped and killed in Central Park?

Elliot learns from Doctor Warner that the woman wasn't raped and didn't have a heart attack. He traces the receipt from the victim's pocket to a Café Gabrielle and he spends his time watching the surveillance video until he finds the sketchiest homeless person hanging out and decides to track him down. It turns out that finding a particular homeless person in New York isn't as difficult as one would think. Stabler searches the tunnels and it is only after shining his flashlight in the eyes of four disgusting humans, that he finds the one in question. Stabler tries to question him and finds a magazine cut-out of the dead model and the bum suddenly attacks him. Elliot easily beats him down. At the hospital, the doctor tells Stabler that the man who attacks him couldn't speak because of a stroke he had years earlier. Stabler needs to question him and so it turns into the game of Pictionary from Hell. The bum grunts and draws crude stick figures and Stabler tries to guess what it all means. Just as Stabler is about to declare that he wants to try playing Taboo instead, Olivia walks in to assist. The reunion isn't very heartwarming but we do get to see the old team back in action, trying to interview the homeless mute. Finally, they get a description of a man from the coffee shop with a broken left arm (Arm? That looks like a friggin' tree...That's it, I'm drawing next round. You suck).

Reunited and it feels so good, Elliot Stabler and Olivia Benson jump in the Rape-mobile and set off to find this broken armed man (I think Tommy Lee Jones is looking for him too). They find the perp and drag him in. He admits to being with Dani, oops, I mean Danielle, when she had her seizure in the park. He says he left her there because he figured someone else would call for help and he was too scared to call himself because he had cocaine on him. Duh, just snort it and then call the police. He says his arm was broken by Wes Masoner, who threw him out after he confronted him about some overheard phone sex between him and an anonymous girl.

The detectives go to interview Mr. and Mrs. Cheales about Wes' alibi. Mr. Cheales impresses the detectives with his keyless entry system and his hope to one day create a robotic maid. The robotic maid would clearly outshine Glen Cheales's personality. Actually, I think my nose hair trimmers have already got him beat. Mrs. Cheales tells Olivia that Wes and Danielle seemed happy and in love while Mr. Cheales dishes the dirt to Elliot. According to Mr. Funniest Home Videos himself, Wes had dozens of affairs but was currently heavily involved with a woman named Jen.

Back at ol' HQ, Doctor Warner tells the detectives that the toxic screen came back positive for a banned poison called Dialtron. Detective Munch has done some digging as well, and found that Danielle Masoner was pulling down seven figures and paying the piling debt that Wes' failing dance studio was accumulating. Money and sex are the two strongest motivators for murder, and it looks like we are zeroing in on Wes as a suspect. Actually, money and sex are the two strongest motivators for just about anything that anyone does. Ever. In fact, if I don't get laid from this whole blog thing, then I'm thoroughly wasting my time.

Detectives Stabler and Benson search Wes' loft and find a pair of rubber gloves and a canister of Dialtron. Just as they were about to escort him out of the building, a woman enters declaring her affection for Wes. When she finally turns the corner we see that the other woman is Naomi Cheales. Did Uncle Jesse know? Wes gets himself a lawyer who manages to get him out of jail because the detectives still don't have enough evidence to show that he killed Danielle. The detectives realize that they must positively connect him to the poison. They decide to go to the great evidence warehouse, the Department of Homeland Security. Olivia finds no trouble getting the horny Homeland Security agent to run a cross-check of all illegal overseas factories that sell Dialtron and Wess credit card. The agent types the info into his scary super-government-computer and finds that Wes did buy some poison from an illegal distributor operating in Japan. He then tells her that he knows that she an abortion while in college and that she cheated on her fifth grade spelling test. Damn, those computers are good.

Mr. Cheales bursts into the police station and asks to speak with Stabler and Benson. He noticed that his wife didn't come home and so the detectives lead him to the interrogation room so that she can be the one to tell him that she is cheating on him and that (gasp!) the dance choreographer really is straight. He yells and cries and she tells him that she cheated on him because he was way to controlling and that his “insecurities pushed her away." He insecurely storms out and she drops down and begins to have a seizure. Serves her right.

At the hospital, a doctor tells the detectives that Naomi had a liver disease and the seizure was the result of an un-sterile injection--no not that kind, but a shot from a needle in her upper shoulder. The doctor removed an RFID Chip that was injected into Danielle, unbeknownst to her. The same chip that is used for tracking stolen cars is being used to track to cheating wife ho-bags. Only one person could have the knowledge to do such a thing and the detectives arrest Mr. Cheales.

Mr. Cheales' performance in the interrogation room is about as pleasing to Detectives Stabler and Benson as his performance in the bedroom was to his wife which is about as pleasing as his performance on Full House was to thousands of bored after-school TV viewers which is about as pleasing as...well, I really could go on forever because I am so damn good at making comparisons. It's like Michael Jordan shooting baskets or Courtney Love shooting smack. OK, I will stop. But I am that good. It's easy.

Unable to get anywhere with Mr. Cheales, Detectives Benson and Stabler take him to the hospital, hoping that the sight of his dying wife will soften him up for a confession. It works and Glen Cheales agrees to give a confession if he is allowed to talk to his wife. He gives a heartfelt apology to Naomi about injecting her with the microchip but his condolences fall short, when he fails to apologize for the Olsen Twins' careers. Naomi goes into cardiac arrest and as the doctors storm in the Detective jump on the chance and get a confession from Glen. As they are leaving the hospital, Wes Masoner shows up and taunts Glen Cheales. In case you ever wanted to find out who would win a fight between a nerdy tech-guy and a professional dance choreographer...well, the geek gets creamed before Stabler can break it up (while trying to maintain a straight face).

Rather than applauding the efforts of Detective Stabler and Benson, Casey Novack is pissed. She feels that the confession was coerced and Glen got a beating from a dance choreographer while in police custody. To make matter worse, if Naomi doesn't get a liver transplant in 48 hours then she will die and her husband is the only possible donor and is now in jail. The detectives make it right by pressuring the Correctional Authority to let Glen out of jail, so that he can donate part of his liver. The operation is a success and Naomi lives and Glen can rot away in jail knowing that part him is still inside his wife.

As the detectives leave the hospital they have a touching conversation about bodily fluids and they both tell each other that they would give up a kidney for the other. Sheee-it, that's nothing. Try giving up smoking, drinking and gambling for a girl you love. And then tell me how you did it so that I can give it a go.