Charm School - Class is in Session

Well, I’m still in shock that Tango dumped Miss New York (who could have seen that coming? At least we are spared the spin-off “Two to Tango” or some other such nonsense) but I have to recap the latest (and I think last) spawn of the Flavor of Love monster. My husband said “I’ve got a bad feeling about this...” and I think he’s right.

The premise of Charm School is that some of the most notorious ladies of the 2 seasons of Flavor of Love are gathered together to get some manners (this, I am assuming, is the American equivalent of the incredible British show Ladette to Lady that’s been airing on the Sundance Channel.) VH-1 has pretty much assembled the "cream of the crop" – including Pumkin (alleged new girlfriend of I Love NY’s Mr. Boston – yeah, right) Rain, the screamer; Toastee, the porn gal; Saaphyri, the fighter; Buckwild, the poser and Hottie the golddigger (complete with the ca-ching sound effects when she blinks.) According to the show's host, Mo'Nique, the gals are here to get back integrity and self-pride (yeah, sure they are.) Oh yeah, the winner also gets a $50K prize. The beds have been assigned to each girl (to avoid another confrontation a la Saaphyri). Pumkin is very distressed to find she’s rooming with Bootz and Buckeey (they read on some blog that she was a racist.) Pumkin is upset that she got put in the room with the two girls who hated her the most and started the waterworks that are sure to be a staple of this show.

The judges for the competition are Mikki Taylor from Essence magazine and Keith Lewis, director of some California beauty pageants. First off, the gals are losing their nicknames. Great – how am I going to be able to tell them apart? Let’s try:

Rain is first – the screamer, whose real name is Thela. Bootz (the gal who didn’t want to sleep with Flav until they were married) is Larissa. Buckeey (who almost threw Krazy off the balcony) is Shay.
Hottie (I ain't sayin' she's a golddigger...who tried to serve Flav and Mama Flav a raw chicken) - who pulls a kiss ass move right off the bat and brings Mo an apple is named Schatar.
Like Dat (big n’ sassy) is Darra.
Krazy (who was more interested in her singing career than Flav) gave her singing name Nevaeh (“heaven” backwards), but she’s actually Heather.
Goldie (who puked her guts up on her first night as a Flavorette) is Courtney.
Smiley (who had some ex-hubby issues) is Leilene.
Serious – who I actually can’t remember a whole lot - is Cristal.
Pumkin, spitter and future Mrs. Boston (I still can't believe that one), is commonly known as Brooke.
Buckwild, the whitest black girl ever, is Becky.
Toastee, the closet porn star, is really Jennifer.
Poor Saaphyri never managed to get a nickname (she got kicked out before that.)

The ladies need to be briefed on the 10 commandments of Charm School – the first being “Check thyself before thy wreck thyself.” Oh brother. First off, the contestants have a mixer with the judges. Keith thought Becky was the fakest of the group (you think?) Keith is evil. I love him. Mo thinks she should refer to herself as "Mo-prah", as all of the gals seemed to burst into tears during their interviews.

The next morning, the ladies had tracksuits and sneakers waiting for them. They are told to pack their bags as they are going on an overnight trip - to the great outdoors. Hottie is packing up her fur coat and makeup (everyone figured they were heading into the woods, well everyone except Hottie, who thought she was heading to a spa.) The ladies are off on a “sisterhood retreat”. Thela is designated as the leader. The ladies have to make a 2 mile hike (with their supplies) up to the campsite. Thela has a “torn Achilles heel” and says she can’t hike 2 miles waah, waah. Hottie showed up first and was distressed that there was no electricity so she wouldn't be able to use her hot rollers. The gals rustle up some vittles and then tragedy strikes - the can opener breaks. This is simply too much for Thela to deal with and she freaks out. Smiley...oh sorry, Leline went to comfort her (it's going to take me a while to get used to this real name thing.) My hubby’s falling asleep...

Mikki shows up at camp to check in with the ladies and tells her that they need to form two teams for a competition the next morning. The losing team will be up for elimination. They had to choose team captains. And the winners are Saaphyri and Leilene. Bright and early, a drill sergeant shows up to lead the competition. Becky was digging on the drill sergeant. Hottie still wants her spa day. They are brought to an obstacle course. Bleeding heart Leilene picked the worst team ever - including Thela (and her "torn Achilles heel") and Darra (who didn't look like she'd do very well on the course.) Who was picked last? Hottie, of course.

Leiliene's team went first. Surprisingly, Thela's leg looked fine. They had a heck of a time getting Darra over that wall. I think they finished in like 3 hours (well, it felt like that to me.) Darra puked (can I say enough with the puking on TV? First Hiuse and now this.) Saaphyri's team went next – they seemed to have handled everything much better than the other group. The results are in - the purple team (Leilene) did the course in 9:09 and the yellow team (Saaphyri) made it in 6:51. (It really seemed like longer just watching them.) The girls returned home and had to don school Britney-esque Catholic schoolgirl uniforms. Thela went in to meet with Mo for a little one-on-one. She admits to getting high – and I think she’s high right now. She’s one crazy lady.

It’s elimination time. Leilene, Darra and Thela are all called on the carpet. Of course, crazy Thela goes home because Mo feels she’s dangerous. I don't know about you, but I expected more from this show. I certainly hope it gets better than this, or it's gonna be a long 13 weeks! See you next week!