Jericho - Battle of the Beards

 Dueling Beardos

Well, heck.  I missed the first two or so minutes of Jericho last night, since I was busy applying online for a new job.  Fingers crossed, y'all, because I can't wait to leave the craphole I'm forced to wallow in every day.  I wish that recapping alone paid the bills, but no such luck!  As I skid Risky Business-style (except for the tighty whities) into the living room and slam on the TV, I find that the New Bern baddies have Jake seated at a table in an interrogation room while Sheriff/Mayor/Supreme Overlord Constantino asks him all kinds of questions about his pal who's still running loose.  Knowing that Hawkins is probably his last chance to get out of this, Jake gets that crafty look, telling Constantino that Hawkins has gone to warn Jericho. 

Constantino proves he's none to happy with Jake's less-than-forthcomingness by tossing him back in the jail cell with Eric.  Eric's looking pathetic and feeling hopless.  He talks about how Heather's dead, even though Jake thinks that the New Bern baddies could be lying to them.  It's true that there's so much bullshit flying around New Bern it's hard to sense the truth, but it's also true that the last time we saw Heather, it felt like a final adieu.  Time will tell.

Men from New Bern have showed up at the salt mine with Dale and Skylar.  Skylar tries to soothe feelings all around as Dale says he wants his salt deal, but Gray's men are all, "nuh-uh we don't think so, punk."  It's not clear who fires first, but suddenly people are ducking for cover as a big bad brouhaha ensues, with people shouting and bullets flying in every direction. 

In Jericho's medical clinic, the wounded from the salt battle are brought in bleeding.  Gail and Kenchy tend to them as Gray and Deputy Bill, who's covered in blood, argue about arresting the New Bern crew.  Meanwhile, Skylar's gimping about with an oh-so-dramatically sprained ankle.  A woman named Mrs. Carmichael, whose husband is wounded, yells at Skylar and totally disses her dad, much to Skylar's shock.  Mary's also there, getting in the way trying to help, and when she can't follow some instructions from Gail, she's once again given the cold shoulder. 

Gray and Russell, the guy from New Bern, yell at each other across the mayoral desk.  Russell really really wants Gray to make the deal with the salt; it's clear he's trying to avoid a larger fight, and it's also clear that Gray is too much of a giant blockheaded douchebag to realize this.  Finally, though, Johnston arrives, telling them that a man from New Bern died in the shootout.  Russell says that if things are bad in New Bern now, they're gonna get a whole lot worse when the townsfolk find out that the Jerichoians (Jerichanites?  Jerichoers?) killed one of their men.  He lets Gray know that Eric's been missing for a couple of days, and that Jake took off to go look for him.  Both Green boys are in New Bern, and Johnston is clearly not pleased that he's the last to know.  He takes off; destination, New Bern.

Back at jail, a woman gets chucked into Jake's cell.  And, hey!  It's Maggie, the pseudomarine from the tank episode.  The one who smooched Jake.  She sits down next to him and tells him that her group split up after Jericho bogarted their tank and chucked them out of town. She and a couple of others headed for New Bern, but were turned away at the border.  She tried to sneak in, which promptly landed her here.  They banter awhile about survival and having to do whatever it takes, blah blah blah.  Then Maggie says that in order to escape, Jake's going to need someone on the outside.  The New Bern baddies won't let him or his brother go, whether they talk or not.  She suggests that Jake confide some secret info in her.  She'll talk to Constantino, and since she's not a liability, they'll let her go and she'll come back to help Jake escape.  As I decide not to contemplate all of the sizeably obvious holes and flaws in this so-called plan (not the least of which: why the heck would they let her go?) the New Bern baddies come and drag Eric out of the cell and down the hall to the interrogation room. 

Johnston's saying his goodbyes to Gail as he gets ready to go to New Bern.  They exchange the usual be-carefuls and I love yous, and he gently reassures her that he will bring their sons home. 

In jail, a deputy walks casually out of the torture chamber interrogation room and returns with a metal cot, ignoring Jake as he hollers at them.  What they're doing to Eric becomes pretty clear as we hear zapping sounds and cries of pain.  I'm thinking that there's a car battery and some jumper cables hooked up to that cot.  Shudder.  As Jake nearly cries from helplessness and anger, Maggie sidles up behind him and once again suggests her plan. 

The next thing you know, Maggie's telling Constantino's goons that Robert Hawkins is at Ted's cabin.  Lead Goon tells the others to go out there, but Maggie hollers at haute volume that she had a deal with Constantino; they were supposed to take her with them, and let her go.  As I yelp, "Ohhhh, you two-timing bitch!"  Head Goon tells his men to take her along.  But if Hawkins and Ted aren't at the cabin, they're to kill Maggie. 

A funky, fugly yellow truck (seriously, this thing looks like someone welded a crabbing cage from "Deadliest Catch" onto a telephone company truck and painted it in shades of Big Bird) containing Johnston and Russell pulls up at New Bern's border.  Constantino, it turns out, is at his cabin and can't be disturbed.  But Johnston's all, "I'm pretty sure that this is worth an interruption so take me to your leader kthx."  Meanwhile, Ted and Robert Hawkins are spying on the New Bern baddies.  Hawkins asks how Ted is with a rifle, and Ted blanches.  Hmm.  This is going to be an interesting rescue attempt. 

An oldschool - and I mean circa Smokey and the Bandit - cop car pulls up at Constantino's cabin.  Upon hearing about the salt mine incident, Constantino invites Johnston and Russell to take a walk.  In the meantime, at another cabin (Dude, who's their real estate agent in this town - the Unibomber?) another cop car pulls up and three of Constantino's goons spill out.  Two of the cops go looking for Hawkins and Ted, while the third waits with Maggie.

Johnston and Constantino trade barbs about which town has screwed the other more.  Johnston's obviously pissed about the salt-stealing-gone-bad, but tit for tat, Constantino talks about "acts of agression" such as pointing Ravenwood in New Bern's direction.  Johnston thinks that's ridonkulous, 'cuz when Jericho nearly blew its own shit up defending itself from Ravenwood, how would they know where the mercenaries were going next?  This logic falls on deaf ears, and Constantino finally breaks the news to Johnston that they are holding his sons because they tried to sabotage the factory.  Johnston is shocked - he knows his boyz would never try to sabotage a place that is just making wind turbines.  He gets right up in Constantino's face, and the twin-mirror beards are so fantastic that I decide to make them my photo of the week.  See above.  "You listen to me," Johnston says, and he's every inch Mr. Mayor.  "I don't care what you think we've done..." if any harm comes to his boys, this is going to end badly for Constantino.  Johnston demands to see them.  Man, don't mess with this guy.

Back at Ted's cabin, Goon #3 is wondering why it's taking Goons 1 and 2 so long.  He cuffs Maggie to the car and walks up toward the cabin.  A moment later, Hawkins books it down toward the car, his pistol (complete with silencer) aimed straight at Maggie.  She screams the word "Columbus" over and over - apparently it's a safety word that Jake gave her.  Finally Hawkins tosses her the keys to the handcuffs.  The cops have been "dealt with" - yeeeah, you might not want to go in that cabin for awhile.  Hawkins lets Maggie and Ted in on the plan.  They're going to set off an explosion at the factory, and use it as a distraction to spring Jake and Eric.  Maggie wants to help - she has an in with Constantino.  So okay, I can't figure out whose side this chick is on.  It seems to be whoever she is with at any given moment. That's one way to survive, y'all, but it also makes Maggie incredibly dangerous to have around.

Eric, bloody and beaten up, is tossed back into the cell with Jake.  He says he didn't tell them anything about Jericho, and that the goons were especially interested in defenses, patrols, and weapons.  The boys know they have to get back and warn the townsfolk.  "We will,"  Jake says.  "We're not going to die in here."

Gail's changing sheets in the medical clinic.  Emily arrives and tells her that Mary is trying - she should give her a chance.  Gail does miss April a lot, but Emily says that she and Mary have a lot in common.  They're both tough, hardheaded broads, and in a barfight, Emily thinks it would be a draw.  Gail grins.

Skylar's upset because people are suddenly tossing out all kinds of criticism about her father.  She sees him as a good man, who did a lot for the community (even if it was only by throwing lots of cold hard $$$ at any problem).  Dale thinks that even though her father did a lot of good, people were afraid of him, and were only nice to him because he had power. 

Hawkins et company prepare their assault, hunkering down behind a burned out car to discuss strategy.  Ironically, Ted says that six months ago, the most important thing on his mind was Pimping his Ride, and Maggie was finishing a dissertation on Russian literature.  HA!  Yeah, that'll come in handy.  Hawkins is headed to the factory to begin Step 1 of the Hawkins Badass Plan to Free Jake.  They will know when it's time for Step 2.  Probably 'cuz shit's about to go kablooie.  That's my guess.

Johnston and Russell stand outside of town hall and discuss the situation.  They're both pretty sad about how it's all gone down, and Johnston even invites Russell to come to Jericho.  But Russell truly believes he might be able to stop the violence.  He gives Johnston some last minute advice; if he needs to make a quick escape, there are railroad tracks he can follow that circumvent the checkpoints.  As the men finish talking, Constantino comes coolly out.  He says that today's "not a good day" to see Jake and Eric, and that Johnston should come back tomorrow.  If he brings back the New Bern men, he'll win 15 minutes with his sons.  Johnston is of course less than happy about this, but doesn't have much of a choice, as he is escorted out of town by 1563445 New Bern goons. 

Hawkins sneaks up on the factory.  He shoots the driver of a truck that's loaded with explosives, and calmly steals it, driving it around the corner. There he opens it up and stacks some of the mortars from the back under the hood.

Meanwhile, at town Hall, Maggie runs up to some goons, yelling that she has information for Constantino.  The men lock her up in a cell (but not before she steals some keys in the struggle).  Continuing her tradition of tying her loyalties to whoever she happens to be next to, Maggie totally squeals all about Hawkins' plan.  But Constantino isn't having it; he reminds her how quickly she gave up her friends before, and lets her know he doesn't believe a word she says.

In another part of the jail, some goons grab Eric again and drag him into the torture chamber interrogation room. A moment later, they come for Jake, sitting him down opposite his brother.  The new plan is to put a knife to Jake's throat and threaten to kill him unless his brother talks.  As Jake struggles and tells his brother to keep his mouth shut, Eric screams at Constantino to let Jake go.  And in the middle of it all, Hawkins rigs the truck with a strap tied to the gas pedal, and steers it straight toward the factory. 

Johnston, having been dropped off at his fugly yellow truck, turns in surprise as shit starts blowing up in New Bern.  Goons scatter toward the center of town, and Johnston looks around craftily, then hops in the BigBirdmobile and takes off. Constantino runs into Jake and Eric's interrogation, yelling at his goons to move the brothers to another location.

Ted's aiming at a roof sniper, but can't bring himself to pull the trigger, not even when Hawkins arrives and encourages him.  Ted scarpers and Hawkins is left to go it alone.  He takes a deep breath, and the evening's climactic scene is off!  Hawkins scuttles up the steps toward town hall, taking out goons left and right.  Just then, the cops who are escorting Jake and Eric handily exit on their way to a "safer" location.  And guess what?  Their asses get shot, too.  Jake and Eric duck for cover as the snipers on the roof and a few remaining goons spray bullets all over the square.  Bullets ricochet as Jake gets a gun from a downed goon and returns fire.  Somewhere in the middle of it all, Hawkins gets shot in the shoulder, and Maggie comes stumbling out of Town Hall and promptly gets popped in the leg. Suddenly, up screeches Johnston in in the yellow truck, and all the good guys make a run for it, hopping onto the truck and getting the hell out of Dodge, even as the remaining baddies haplessly shoot after them.

At the market, Mrs. Carmichael, the woman who screamed at Skylar before, arrives and asks to trade some grain for some horse meat.  Dale says the price has gone up, but leaves the final choice to Skylar.  She makes the trade, insisting to Mrs. Carmichael that her father was a good man. 

Bar.  Gail returns the jar that had held antiseptic for the medical clinic.  She and Mary make extraordinarily uncomfortable small talk for awhile, and Mary asks Gail if she'd like to stay for awhile.  Although Gail declines, she extends the olive branch by telling Mary she'll let her know if she hears anything.  They politely saying good night.

Johnston's fugly truck has run out of gas in the woods outside of New Bern.  They cover it with brush, and although Hawkins doubts that Maggie can make it the 12 miles to Jericho, Johnston picks her up in a fireman's carry.  Okay, so I have two problems with this scene.  #1: Jericho is continuing it's less-than-pleasing tradition of portraying women as kitten-esquely weak.  And #2: Why is the oldest guy in the bunch carrying this chick?  Shouldn't the more strapping Jake or Eric be toting her unconscious ass? 

As I grumble, the men head down the road, taking nips from Hawkins' flask (real whisky!) to pep them up.  Eric thanks Jake for coming for him. The wind is still moving, after everything they've done, and everything that's coming. Foreshadowing much?  Dun-dun-dunnnn!