Smallville - Episode 622 - Phantom

Previously on Smallville...a lot of stuff happened! Action! Drama! Romance! Betrayal! Between the meteor freaks and the Luthors, poltergeists in Lawrence (Supernatural for those three Smallville viewers not already watching the show), and a nuclear holocaust in Jericho (R.I.P.!!), I'm thinking Kansas isn't such a great place to live.

But see, the show wants me to understand that no place is safe. For instance, Baie-Saint-Paul, Quebec, which looks like a throwback to a Medieval village. I mean, seriously...there's a woman boiling laundry on a stove. Inside the same house a man is dying while a priest gives either last rites or an exorcism. It's in French, so...he could be telling him about the latest in the Paris Hilton DUI saga for all I know. The man's daughter is sobbing (I'd cry, too, if I had to do my laundry on the stove). The Martian Manhunter shows up just as the dying man's eyes snap open, corneas black in the universal symbol for demon cooties, and he sits up and rips some, uh, organ out of the MM's stomach. Whatever it was, it wasn't very big. His appendix? Your guess is as good as mine. The possessed dude knocks the MM through the roof. MM takes off flying as a Luthor attack team bursts in. Lex himself strides through the door telling everyone that "it" is inside the guy, so not to shoot him because they need "it" alive, and then "it" ruins Lex's fun by slicing open the guy's chest and flying out. "It" is super fast and cloaked in black robes with no face, like a Dementor from Harry Potter and Speedy Gonzales had a baby.

At the Luthor mansion, Lex is on the phone, telling his men to check the eyes of everyone in that quaint little hamlet in Quebec until they find the Dementor, because it can't live outside of a human body. Lionel interrupts him, and they embrace each other with tears in their eyes. Okay, I made that last part up. Lionel interrupts him, and Lex accuses him of using Lana to spy on him. Lionel bursts Lex's bubble when he says that Lana isn't in love with Lex, and that she only married Lex because Lionel forced her into it. Lex says he wants Lionel out of his life...for good this time! As opposed to the other times he's wanted him out of his life for a few days or so. Lionel says he doesn't think Lex can get rid of him so easily. I love Lionel in all his ambiguous evilness.

Meanwhile, in a very different example of family dynamics, Martha and Clark are saying goodbye. Martha tells Clark that he shouldn't feel like he needs to stay at the farm if he wants to get away. Someone else can take care of it, which I guess is the bridge we'll use to get Clark into Metropolis full-time. Martha and Clark hug and then say vile things about how much they hate each other and never want to see each other again. Okay, I made that last part up. Martha and Clark embrace each other with tears in their eyes. Bye, Martha! I'll miss you!

At the Talon, Chloe finds Lois deep in research over a series of numbers (38529532) that Wes, aka Project Aries Dude, was spouting over and over before he died. Chloe warns Lois about going up against the Luthors and asks her to back off. Lois obligingly agrees, and Chloe thanks her before leaving for work. Um, Chloe, do you know Lois AT ALL? Lois finally puts two and two together - more like three and eight and five and...you get my drift - and writes degree and hash marks along the numbers, figuring out that they're longitude and latitude coordinates.

At the Project Aries facility, Lex meets up with his security team leader, who's name I've been too lazy to look up, and Labrat. They have the body of a mailcarrier from Medievaltown, Quebec, split open like the original Dementor host, but his blood shows no abnormalities. Lex snaps that he needs live alien peptides if they're going to avoid the problems they had with Wes, for whom they used dead alien peptides. Right. Hey, I just recap what's happening...I don't make it up. The security leader says that the Dementor can only stay in a body for twenty-four hours before it needs a new host, and Lex warns that they need to figure this out so he can power his army. He looks at his ranks of soldiers lying in wait. It's very Matrix-like, but without all of the goo and hoses attached to people.

Clark finds Lana in his loft at the Kent Farm. She has Tears of Martyrdom and Bravery standing in her eyes, and the entire scene is conducted in her Whispery Voice of Bad Acting. She tells Clark that she's leaving Lex, and he can't keep the smile off his face...until she says she's leaving Smallville entirely to keep Clark safe. He finally confesses that he has powers, but she's all, "Duh, that's so five minutes ago." Clark further confesses that he's an alien, conveniently leaving out the part about his arrival causing her parents' death. They kiss, but Lana says she can't risk Clark getting hurt. She finally tells him about Lionel.

At Luthorcorp, Lionel is in the middle of a congratulatory voicemail to Martha when Clark shows up and starts throwing him around. Lionel says that he had to force Lana to marry Lex, because Lex has been tracking a wraith from the Phantom Zone, and it's the only way he could find out what information Lex had. Clark is undeterred, but before he can land a killing blow, the Martian Manhunter shows up and stops him, saying Lionel is on their side as an emissary of Jor-El (my roommate laughed her ass off at that line, since I went into the whole ambiguously evil thing earlier...damn you, Smallville). Okay, so let me fanwank for a bit, but the thing that's so important to me about Clark never killing anyone is that he consciously makes that decision. It's part of what makes him Superman. Here, someone stopped him before he made the decision not to kill Lionel, so...what does that mean for Clark's development? Nothing, of course. And yes, I drank for logic. Or illogic. Whatever. ANYWAY.

Lex gets a call that they've located the Dementor's current host, but before he can leave, Lana shows up (in totally different clothes, and totally different hair...I mean, when you're leaving your husband, do you look in the mirror and think hmm, maybe the flatiron look is best for a divorce?). She tells Lex she's leaving him, and he blah blahs about how hard it must be for her to have lived such a lie in the marriage. She throws the fake pregnancy in his face, but of course Lex denies it. He says everything he's done is because he loves her, but she tells him he isn't capable of love, and that he never was. Ouch. Lex shuts the doors, blocking Lana's exit, and asks if this is about Clark. When she claims that Clark is more of a man than Lex will ever be, he hits her. Lana spits out that that's the last time he'll ever touch her...until he grabs her arm as she tries to storm past. Whoops. Lana says Lex will have to kill her to keep her from leaving, and he finally lets go so she can walk out.

Back at Luthorcorp, Lionel and the Martian Manhunter try to explain what's going on. Apparently, Lionel was possessed with all of Jor-El's knowledge at the same time Lex was possessed by Zod. He and the MM have been hanging back, trying to let Clark pass his test, which I think is some weirdassed Jor-El thing from an earlier season, but honestly, it's all hazy in my mind. The MM used to work for Jor-El, bringing fugitives to justice (so is he a Martian Kryptonian-hunter?), and now he's been tasked to help save Clark when the phantoms were released from the Phantom Zone. The Dementor is the final one...the product of a Kryptonian lab experiment, it's looking for a Kryptonian host to sustain it. Clark demands that they tell him exactly what's going on so no one else will die, even if it puts him at risk of being infected by the Dementor.

Lois finds the dam that's housing Project Aries and spots a door to get inside. Meanwhile, at the Daily Planet, Clark and Chloe do computer searches on people in Quebec with fevers and blackened corneas to try and find the whereabouts of the Dementor. They find out a young boy at a hospital in Quebec was exhibiting the symptoms, but he disappeared. Clark starts to leave, positive that Lex is responsible, and Chloe stops him to remark on how weird everything is. Clark says it gets weirder...Lana is leaving Lex, and he told her everything about his secret. Chloe says she's thrilled for Clark, even though she's acting sort of weird. I wish the Powers That Be would just...let it go. Maybe I read too much into the scene, but Chloe has seemed perfectly happy with Jimmy this season, so going back to the whole Clark/Chloe/Lana triangle thing NOW makes my head hurt. Maybe it's all the beer I had to drink to get through the gaps in logic.

Inside the Project Aries facility, Lois doesn't get far before a guard finds her and demands that she leave. They struggle, and she knocks his gun away, but he stabs her in the stomach. She pushes him headfirst into a pipe, either killing him or knocking him out. Lois pulls the knife out of her stomach, and there's blood everywhere. Yuck. She calls Chloe but only gets out her name before she drops the phone and collapses.

Lana and Lionel are on the phone, and she says she's done with the Luthors. Lionel's in the car on his way to her as they speak, but she says she doesn't trust him, and she's getting out of Smallville forever. For some reason, Lana is leaving from the Talon, because I guess she needed to make a pitstop for some coffee or something on her way out of town. Lionel pulls up and starts yelling for Lana to stop, but she gets in her car. A delivery van passes by and blocks Lionel's view for a moment, and then Lana's car explodes. OMG, SMALLVILLE, WHY YOU GOTTA TEASE ME LIKE THAT? Ahem, I mean, oh, how tragic! What's tragic is that I know that Lana probably faked her own death and jumped on the delivery van, but still...the sweet, sweet possibilities. Lionel watches in horror, and I have to give the props people uh, props, because the burning corpse falling over in the front seat is a nice touch.

Clark barges into the Luthor mansion, ready to confront Lex about his evildoings, and finds Lionel instead. Lionel gently informs him that Lana is dead (oh, if only!), and we're treated to about thirty seconds of quality smell-the-fart acting while Clark manfully tries not to break down. In general I think Tom Welling's acting has come a long, LONG way from the first season, but wow...it must have been really smelly in that room. Clark says that Lex must be responsible and demands that Lionel tell him where Lex is. Lionel refuses, and Clark zips out.

At the dam, Chloe rushes in to find Lois lying in a pool of blood. She tries to rouse her, but it's obvious that Lois has shuffled off this mortal coil. Allison Mack does a much better job of breaking down than we saw Tom Welling do in the preceding scene, sobbing over Lois and telling her she loves her too much for her to die. A tear falls from Chloe's eye, and it's shiny and bright and has something indiscernible inside of it. It falls on Lois, and they're enveloped in a bright light. Okay, so it's cheesy as all get out, but I don't care. I DON'T CARE. What a cool power to have. How much do I love that Chloe has been so terrified of what her meteor power would be, and it ends up that it's saving lives. Awesome. Lois wakes up and pulls up her bloody shirt to find the stab wound completely gone. She spots Chloe slumped against a wall and tries to wake her up. I'm not going to get all worked up about this, because it's a season finale and all, but it sure does look like Chloe died. Oh, screw it. A POX ON YOU, ALGOUGH! IF YOU KILL CHLOE...A POX ON YOU, I SAY. AND, AND...HEMORRHOIDS! THE KIND WHERE YOU HAVE TO SIT ON A DOUGHNUT CUSHION! AND ATHLETE'S FOOT! HIVES! GONORRHEA! DOOM AND DESTRUCTION AND MAYHEM! DO NOT KILL MY TV GIRLFRIEND!!!

Ahem.

Lex strides into the lab at the dam and demands that they draw blood from the boy they kidnapped in Quebec, who's passed out and restrained behind glass. Labrat tests the blood and says they're a go on the LIVE ALIEN PEPTIDES, but before they can celebrate, the kid leaps through the glass and rips Security Guy's heart out. That's gotta hurt. Lex throws Labrat in front of him and takes off. Labrat tries to follow, but as Lex shuts the door in his face, the Baby Dementor gets him. Lex takes off down the hall. Inside the lab, Baby Dementor drags Labrat's corpse to the door and uses his thumbprint to active the lock, letting him out.

Lionel is on the way to the dam with a chunk of Kryptonite in a box. As he drives up to the structure, Clark appears behind him and then speeds inside, despite Lionel calling to him to wait.

Inside, Lex is thwarted in his escape when Clark slams him against a wall, asking why he killed Lana. Lex looks shocked, and even though Clark doesn't buy it, I do, since we know Lana is tricking us by faking her own death, damn her! Baby Dementor finally makes it on the scene, and although Lex tells Clark to leave so at least one of them can get away, Clark shoves Lex down the hall and turns to face the Baby Dementor. There's some really bad vocal special effects which luckily don't last long as the Baby Dementor spills out of the kid's mouth and rockets toward Clark, knocking him through a concrete wall. Clark pulls himself off the floor to find...Clark standing there (dressed in black, aka Bad Clark Wear). The Dementor took some of Clark's DNA and says it's going to kill him as it hurls him into some...complicated piece of dam machinery. That's a technical term.

Lex tries to speed away in his Mercedes, but he's stopped when several cops swarm up to arrest him for Lana's murder. I have to give her credit...way to make an escape and pin it on Lex. Revenge must be sweet.

Inside, Clark and Dementor!Clark are going at it, beating each other to hell and back. Their fighting, which consists of throwing each other into huge turbine-thingys (another technical term) and through thick concrete walls, damages the integrity of the dam, and water starts pouring inside. Lois and Chloe are trapped in their hallway as the water rises.

In a different part of the dam, Lionel is surprised when Dementor!Clark flies through a wall right in front of him. He shoves his chunk of Kryptonite into Dementor!Clark's chest, but it only seems to strengthen him. Dementor!Clark throws Lionel aside, where he lies unconscious and trapped as water pours down. Clark demands to know what he is, and he says he's "you, only a little more bizarre. " It's amazing how smoking hot Tom Welling is when he's being Bad Clark (as opposed to Angry-But-Real Clark), and a testament to his acting (the earlier scene aside) that there's always a discernable difference between the two. They super-speed toward each other, and Clark is knocked out of the dam, which starts to crack, and through the sky, as Dementor!Clark flies after him. His face changes into the trademark Bizarro face, and we get dramatic music and "To Be Continued." Dun dun DUN.

Will Chloe, Lois, and Lionel drown? Will Lex be put away for murder? Will Lana actually stay gone? And will Clark get his ass handed to him by Bizarro? Check back in about, oh, three months. Enjoy your summer!