THE 2007 MTV MOVIE AWARDS! Hour 1

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Buzzword for the evening: Foibles.

8:04: Sarah Silverman's tone is established. No swear words yet though : (

8:05: Sarah is foxy in a cute black dress with spaghetti straps. Lily Allen's "Smile" plays in the background.

8:06: Sarah puts the producers on the spot when she makes a joke about Spiderman 3 + black people and the camera cuts to Samuel L. Jackson. She big ups Adam Sandlers, Jack Nicholson -- "You have been in every single one of my favorite actresses."

8:07: "The paparazzi have made so many famous vaginas even famouser. I see so many famous vaginas here tonight -- oh Tobey Maguire -- four!"

8:08: Remorse for Lindsay Lohan blah blah blah. Audience applauds that Paris Hilton is going to jail. Paris looks like she's about to cry as camera cuts to Paris -- represses more tears when Sarah says, "I think the guards are going to paint the bars to look like penises."

8:10: Sarah pulls a lever to show that the producers wanted tacky and campiness. Talks about censors. Breaks into song and covers all the words you can't say on TV.

8:11: Best awards show opening EVER.

8:11: Introduces the cast of the Fantastic 4. Snooze. Best Villain nominees: Bill Nighy, Tobin Bell, Meryl Streep (um, she's clearly the winner here), Rodrigo Santoro, Jack Nicholson. . . . .the winner is Jack Nicholson. I think many of you will agree: Whatevs!

8:13: Nicholson basks in applause and struts to the stage. Extends appreciation for Sarah.

8:15: Nicholson thanks our troops. Audience hoots and hollers. Thanks the cast and behind-the-scenes folks, etc. etc.

8:18: Sarah: "If you win tonight, keep your speeches short, nobody cares." And then a hairy fat guy who will chase you off stage.

8:19: Commercial/bathroom/snack break! Grab your Diet Cokes.

8:22: Old Navy ad. Ugh all of these fashions as so last year.

8:23: Sarah: "Hosting this thing has become so gimmicky, like Britney kissing Madonna..." Fake leads into a make-out with Jessica Biel who agrees that she doesn't need to pander to their exploitation. But then goes onto introduce Bruce Willis and Justin Long from some upcoming action movie.

8:24: Bruce Willis keeps asking if they killed. They're presenting the award for Best Fight. Justin Long blah blah blahs about Ann Coulter and Rosie O'D and it's kind-of funny. The nominees are Jack Back & Hector H. vs. Some Guy from Nacho Libre, Gerard Butler vs. the Uber Immortal in 300, Jon Heder vs. Will Ferrell in Blades of Glory, Uma Thurman vs. Anna Faris in My Super-Ex Girlfriend, Sasha Baron Cohen vs. That Fat Guy in Borat. . . .the winner is Gerard Butler vs. the Uber Immortal in 300.

8:27: Girls screech as Butler accepts golden popcorn

8:28: Fat guy threatens to chase Butler off-stage.

8:28: Dane Cook walks on stage. Tries to work the crowd. He reminds me of an older Piz (Veronica Mars fans, agree or no?) Introducing Movie Spoof Finalists. #1: Little Miss Squirtgun.

8:32: And another commercial break.

8:36: Victoria Beckham wears is a dead zebra and Chris Tucker -- ooo SHE IS FOXY! I wonder how she feels that Chris Tucker (what's he doing there?) stole all her thunder.

8:37: Jay-Z and Rihanna perform "Umbrella." Nobody tell Beyoncé. She'll kick Rihanna's behind. I think she's actually singing and, not like, lip-synching! Wo! She has an umbrella in hand. Amanda Bynes sings along.

8:38: Rihanna: "You can stand under my umbrella, ella, ella, ella, a, a, a."

8:39: Paris is getting her groove on. Oh dance, girl, dance. Ain't no muzik in prison : (

8:40: Rihanna's bangs are working. Her little brassier leather piece isn't. Audience applauds. Sarah says, "Umbrella is Rihanna's mother's name. Two of our next three performers have someof the hottest asses in Hollywood and the other is Jessica Biel."

8:41: Why does Adam Sandler look like he's just done a keg stand? They're all introducing Best Kiss.

8:42: LOL. Kevin James is all, "Dude you kissed my girl!" at Adam Sandler. Jessica Biel is showing some personality. The nominees are Will Ferrell and Sasha Baron Cohen in Talladega Nights; Mark Wahlberg and Elizabeth Banks in Invincible; Colombus Short and Meagan good in Stomp the Yard; Marlon Wayans and Brittany Daniel in some awful looking movie; Cameron Diaz and Jude Law in The Holiday. Wow these are all duds! The winner is Will Ferrell and Sasha Baron! Aw, cute! Will Ferrell looks like he too came from the same keg stand Adam Sandler did.

8:45: Sasha: "Nice to see you, William. Thanks for returning my last call...You asked me to move in with you." Will: "I did not ask you to move in. I said if you're in the neighborhood, stop by for a cup of coffee for me and my wife." Sasha: "You bitch! You're married?" Back-handed slap. And then a kiss between the two. Rolling around on the floor. Oh wow. Steamy. NETWORK CENSORS! QUICK.Will Ferrell looks slightly ticked.

8:47: Ew @ Dane Cook again. Spoof #2. Texas Chainsaw Rehab. $600 budget. Woo-hoo.

8:49: Commercial break! Yawn.

8:53: Sarah talks to Brad Pitt on the phone, but it's Brad Pitt From Babel. Sarah asks Jennifer Hudson to present an award and it cuts to Miss Effie White. Sarah talks to Sparta; then to Will Smith; then Leo DiCaprio. Sarah spots Shia in the middle of Transformers. "You're already performing aren't you? Crapsticks."

8:57: Well that was hilarious, but pointless. She's going to choose a Lucky Viewer via a webcam to introduce Breakthrough Performance. The nominees are Lena Headey in 300, Columbus Short in Stomp the Yard, Abigail Breslin in Little Miss Sunshine, Emily Blunt in Devil Wears Prada, Jaden Smith in The Pursuit of Happyness and Justin Timberlake in Alpha Dog with a smooth tie-in with his latest single. Oh hyphenates!

8:59: Kathy's all, "The winner is Jaden Smith!" Jaden thanks via video blah blah blah with his mom and dad. Aw, cute.