The Starter Wife - Wife will go on

Clinky, clinky, ladies

So for months now, while getting my fix of Law & Order SVU reruns, I've been sitting through 4582158 commercials (per episode) for The Starter Wife. Said commercials featured intriguing teaser scenes, such as a sobbing mascara-streaked Debra Messing, and an expensive-looking wedding set being plopped into a glass of champagne. They were tagged with the catchy slogan, "Wife goes on." Sounds interesting... even if the pilot is two hours long with limited commercials (um, yeah... that's why this recap is a little late). Let's give it a try, eh?

I tune in to USA, only to see Dorothy, the Tin Man, the Cowardly Lion, and the Scarecrow skipping down the Yellow Brick Road. Dude, am I on the wrong channel? Nope. Turns out that Dorothy is actually Debra Messing, a.k.a. Molly, (with faboo red shoes and some odd white eyeliner) and her compatriots are an older woman with a martini dressed as the Scarecrow, an, er, flamboyant guy in tiger stripes, and a Prada-toting blonde as the Tin Man, complete with jaunty funnel hat. Hee! They skip up to a green alcove, where a voice booms, "Who interrupts my workday?!" Molly gets up her courage to say "Please, Sir, I want to go home." Fire rises to reveal a pretty normal looking guy in a white shirt and black suit, who says ominously, "You will travel through the valley of rejection... you will live in the land of morning mists...and you will find your home, though it will not be where you left it. But first, you must bring me...the playlist of Julia Robers' iPod!" Molly and Co. gasp and grab their cell phones, shrieking, "I'll call her agent!" and "I'll phone her brother!"

Just then a phone rings, and Molly's pulled out of her Oz dream. It's the Wizard, a.k.a. her husband Kenny the Big Important Movie Producer, who is running on a treadmill with his bluetooth clipped to his ear. He tells her that "there's poop... near the potted... whatever." She replies that she'll take care of it, then switches lines and says flatly, "Peggy... there's poop." As crappy pop music with the brilliant lyrics "Shoshanna's a good girl who just wants to come and plaaaay..." warbles in the background, a middle-aged housekeeper walks out with a pooper scooper, and Kenny points down toward a potted plant next to a snazzy indoor pool. The housekeeper scoops the poop. Okay. We are exactly one minute into this show and I already hate Kenny with a fiery passion. He drools over the pop tartlet in the video as Molly weighs herself. The scale reads 117.2, so she takes off her GIANT FUCKING HUGE-ASS diamond ring, and the number actually goes down to 117.1. That ring set weighs a full goddamned ounce. Molly looks terse, and wonders how much an appendix weighs. Wow. Just, wow.

Molly may not go to an office, but she does work 16 hour days. The point is proven as she play secretary to her infuriatingly brusque husband in their swanky living room. She's capable and calm, planning get-togethers for him, and somehow even understands his ridiculously vague descriptions of what he wants her to buy. Kenny blathers on his Bluetooth before saying goodbye to the couple's daughter, reminding her to share her cookies with Violet Affleck. Oh, and he wants Molly to do something about the neighbors' pool filter. He tosses her an air kiss in thanks. Next thing you know, Molly's knocking on the neighbor's equally fancy door. She's bribing the woman who answers with a super-expensive bottle of wine, hoping she'll get the noisy-ass pool filter checked out. The neighbor happily takes the wine but declares that they've already had it checked, and the noise is normal. She shuts the door in Molly's face, so Molly heads on over to the pool house and vindictively unplugs the thing herself. Ha!

Molly and her husband are thrilled with Starting Gate, their daughter's school. It's warm, creative, nurturing... and features a way-too -cheerful greeter for every precious tot who arrives in a giant black tank-esque SUV. The greeters personally unbuckle the kids and take them inside, while the moms sit in their cars... that is, except for Molly, who helps her daughter, Jayden, out herself. The other moms honk impatiently as Molly kisses her daughter goodbye. Molly does yoga on an impeccable lawn beside a tranquil pond, where she wonders how many millionaire wives it takes to achieve inner peace. Afterwards, she's at a salon, getting her hair done and chatting on her cell phone. Next, it's back home, where she and an adorable gayboy friend dis Kenny's decorating sensibilities (in particular, a gigglable spreadeagled pre-Columbian statue). Finally, Molly ends up at a café with all three of her friends from the dream the previous night. Joan, the Scarecrow, is the brains of the group and, IMHO, freakishly resembles "Mommy Dearest" Joan Crawford with her bright red lipstick, high hairline and severe nose. Rodney, the cute/fun decorator gayboy, is the only friend she pays by the hour. Cricket, the blonde Tin Man, is all heart, with an "adopted brood that looks like an ad for the United Colors of Benneton."

The four friends lunch together, gossiping about a premiere party scheduled for that night, as well as a woman named Amy who is hovering near the doorway because she can't get a table. Amy's an acquaintance who is no longer a "Wife Of" because she's going through a divorce from her famous husband. Molly says she can't stand this "Starter Wife" stage - where the woman no longer has a ticket to big-name parties or restaurants, but keeps trying because she feels the same... her "nerves tingling with the lost importance." She says this with such scorn that I grin devilishly because I know that that giant ring's going to end up in a glass of champagne. Payback's a bitch, and methinkey that the mighty are about to fall very, very far.

First, though, it's premiere party time. Molly, Kenny, and Kenny's boss Leo exit a limo onto the red carpet. Molly's fancily dressed but silent as her hubby and Leo talk movie producer shop. Inside, when Molly's husband can't remember a name, she plays the dummy by pretending she's the one who has forgotten. So basically she looks like an idiot, and her husband gets the name at no cost to his own pride. Jackass. Molly calls this process of meet-and-greet the "coal mines - " it's hot, sweaty, and everyone's shoveling something." People schmooze all around as Molly finally spots her friends. They assemble beside the bar, grabbing drinks and getting into the tropical swing of the party by adorning themselves with leis and fake bones. Later, when Kenny comes to find his wife, they've taken it a step further with some rockin' tribal face paint. Kenny's face falls and he tells her to take the limo home - he'll find his own way.

Molly's asleep when the phone rings. She hits speaker and yells, "can't it wait?" Kenny's voice comes through loud and clear: "I want a divorce. I'm staying at the Peninsula... I'll call you tomorrow." Click. Molly sits straight up in bed. "Oh my god," she says. "I'm a Starter Wife!"

Next thing you know, Molly's banging on her husband's hotel room door. He was hoping to avoid this, but Molly's all, "Yeah well I was hoping to avoid being dumped via Cingular Wireless!" This is their life, their daughter, their house... they're a team! She calls him Honey, touches his face, tells him he doesn't want to do this. Kenny agrees that doesn't want to do this... but it's over. "You gave it your best shot." Oh my god, this guy is such an asshat. Molly shrieks that she works 24/7 to make sure he doesn't have to remember or do anything, and she does it all with perfect hair, dammit! Kenny douchebag-ishly replies that it felt like the right time to reassess; when he's brutally honest, he wonders if this is where he should be. Molly sits down, the fight gone out of her, asks about their daughter, and her husband replies, "You didn't happen to bring my mail, did you?" His soon to be ex-wife looks like she would like to take a letter opener to his jugular, and if she did, I'm thinking that no jury would convict.

Cricket's children (one Asian, one African-American, and one Russian, each with their own personalized nanny who creepily resembles them) watch that annoying Shoshanna music video as Cricket and her scruffy filmmaker hubby, Jorje, talk about Molly's situation. Turns out that Jorje has a film in the works, so he's worried about Cricket spending time with Molly because it could complicate things with Kenny. Cricket's taken aback - they're best friends, and even share their Prada! Molly needs her! So what if Mol and Ken get back together? "Then it's all good!" says Jorje.

Molly rings a doorbell and is ushered into a house with three simperingly false women, who cluck that it's just awful what has happened to her. Molly sighs that the fundraiser is in two months, she's not going to let them down. She talks about the invitations, but they snatch the sample out of her hand and tell her not to worry about it. She should do what she needs to do, and take care of herself. They then usher her back outside and slam the door in her face. At the health club, Molly's informed that her membership has been cancelled. They've placed the contents of her locker in a box. Molly gathers up the shreds of her dignity and makes an exit. She heads home and vindictively plugs the neighbor's loud pool filter back in.

Time for some runny mascara! Molly sobs to her three friends that her charities have dropped her like a hot potato and her lunches have cancelled. Everything she tries to sign up for is suddenly booked. She holds up her blank planner for emphasis. Joan grabs the schedule and writes across it, "Lunch with Joan, my very best friend." She hugs Molly as Rodney writes himself in for dinner. He passes the schedule to Cricket, who hesitates and puts down the pen. She asks Molly if there's anything she can do to get back together with Kenny. Molly sobs that she even puts the toilet seat UP for the guy, and Rodney says they shouldn't save this marriage because Kenny's an asshole and Molly isn't. Cricket insists that there are things like plastic surgery - "down there." "Australia?" Molly asks, confused. Har! Kenny comments that he heard Courtney Love's Australia looks like a rosebud now, and Joan pipes up that Molly doesn't love Kenny. Cricket protests, and Molly says that her love for Kenny has just grown and evolved in a different direction. Joan suggests that Molly needs some time away - maybe she could stay at Joan's Malibu (as in Californa) Colony beach house for the summer? Molly turns down the offer, remembering Cricket's daughter Mei Mei's birthday party in a week. Cricket's hedges. "The party won't be that big of a deal..."

Clearly a lie, because we flash forward to said giant Asian-themed bash, complete with those big human dragon things that you always see in Chinese parades. More movie shop talk between Kenny, Jorje and Leo as Molly arrives with Jayden, which Kenny is less than pleased about. He tells Molly that she's making everyone uncomfortable with her presence, and that they need to plan better from now on. Oh, and he wants her out of the house by 7:30 the next morning, but to leave Jayden because the folks that are coming over have kids. Molly is still doing a great job of being that perfect woman, waving to everyone who walks by. She tells Kenny he can have the house for the summer - she has other options. Meanwhile, Cricket asks her husband what she should say to Molly - Jorje doesn't really care, but wants Molly gone so that it doesn't mess with his movie deal. So far, none of the men on this show are particularly likeable, yo.

As the out-of-work actors who have been hired to pull rickshaws at the party make dumbasses of themselves, Molly talks to Leo, Kenny's boss, who makes me feel better about men by asking why she even marry "that bonehead" Kenny, when she can do better. He kisses her on the cheek and says he'll be in touch. Molly decides to take off, because even the dragon, accompanied by various bleached-blonde types, is avoiding her. She makes nice small talk with Cricket, then heads out, head down. She's SO stopping for a burger and fries on the way home.

Molly's black SUV pulls up to the guard house at Joan's complex, and a sassy African-American woman in a uniform greets her by name. Molly wonders how the woman knew who she was - did Joan describe her as a tossed-away, older, pathetic recently dumped wife? The sassy woman retorts that it was by the car's license plate, and she's got no pity for Molly, 'cuz her own life is tough too (in a real-world kind of way), kthx. Molly catches sight of a quite attractive man riding past on a bicycle. In slo-mo, Baywatch style. As he disappears, the guard comes back with a parking pass - Joan, it turns out, is on her way to France with her husband, Pappy. But just then we get a shot of Joan, riding in the back of an SUV which is not on its way to France, but rather Ojai, California. Joan drinks in the backseat and mutters, "Oh Pappy, the things I do for you." The plot thickens, y'all.

Molly meditates on the beach, contemplating her life, wondering why she married Kenny. We get a black-and white flashback to a rather homely Debra Messing, with long straight hair and bushy eyebrows, wearing overalls and a flannel shirt. She's sketching and playfully eating American cheese singles. Turns out Molly was a published author, but she was lonely and uninspired. And then Kenny Kagen came along. He was funny and charming and knew what he wanted; she was ready for an adventure. But the magic is gone, and it seems like it may have been the poop wake-up calls that did it. Molly snaps out of her reverie to see the tousled blond man she saw when she arrived. He walks past, looking at her piercingly, but doesn't say a word. She stares after him, intrigued.

Joan has arrived at her real destination, and it ain't France; rather, it's rehab! Amy Winehouse's "Rehab" plays in my head as Joan's welcomed by a super cheesy doctor. It's going to be a long thirty days. Meanwhile, Molly tries to get hold of Joan because her giant SUV is overlapping very slightly into the parking spot next door, and the neighbor is about to go nuclear. When Joan doesn't answer, the pissed neighbor suggests the guard house. The sassy guard, Lavender, is trying to sort out her living situation over the phone (she and her grandma are about to get evicted because of their dog) when Molly arrives. They chat about the evil neighbor, who is a nazi about his parking spaces. Lavender suggests that Molly drive Joan's Prius instead of the SUV, to help bring the troops home from Iraq.

Jayden arrives with her nanny, and Molly enthusiastically shows her the ocean, right in their backyard. But instead of being excited, Jayden screams piercingly. She doesn't want to go in the water because of sharks. Molly figures out that Kenny let Jayden watch Jaws, and try as she might, she can't convince her kid to go anywhere near the beach, much less the water.

Rodney's "in designer hell," fending off a bitchy attack from a client over some custom-designed (yet admittedly horrendously hideous) chairs, when Molly calls to invite him for the Fourth of July weekend. She hangs up and takes a deep breath, then drops her robe and checks out her bikini body. Breasts, check. Her underarm hair follicles probably don't even exist anymore. Okay, nothing to be ashamed of...and then she turns and sees her butt. "Oh, GAWD!" Molly exclaims, grabbing the robe as Jayden comes in, giggling. Molly has a flash, imagining that she's gained 100 pounds. Okay, Ms. I-can-see-every-rib-in-your-skinny-chest. Whatevah.

Beach, fourth of July. Molly receives a fax from Kenny, listing his schedule so that they won't cross paths as he party hops. "Like I'm invited to these parties," Molly moans as Rodney tries to cheer her up with his adorable quirkiness. They stroll on the beach and all of the pretty, vapid people avoid Molly like she's radioactive. Meanwhile, Cricket and her multicultural brood (and their respective multicultural nannies) are preparing to head to their own beach house. Their son's Russian nanny seems just a little bit too quick to ride in Cricket's hubby's car, if you ask me.

Molly and Rodney arrive at a party. Molly finds Cricket and enthusiastically hugs her, wondering where she's been and why they haven't seen each other. Cricket stutters that she's been busy, and knows that Molly has a lot on her plate. She eyes her husband nervously, and Molly finally cottons on. "Et tu, Cricket?" she asks softly. She grabs Rodney and they start to leave, but Molly spots Kenny and retreats to an upper floor balcony. There, she finds Leo. They make small talk, and he says that none of the people at this party are his real friends. Their hopes and dreams hinge on him, and he can crush them with a single No with a capital N. That's Hollywood, and she's been kicked out of it. "Lucky girl," Leo says.

Joan's talking with her therapist, who wants her to take as much time as she needs to work through her issues. Joan says she's felt like an outcast; Bambi, her sister, hated that she was different, and microwaved Joan's hamster out of revenge. Ummmm... did they even have microwaves when Joan was young?? I'm thinking... no. Meanwhile, Molly's leaving Joan another message, recapping the week's events, wrapping up with a "my ass is the size of Ohio." Well, at least it's not Texas. She has a resolution: every day she's going to try something new. Today, she has her eye on sea kayaking. Molly drags a kayak down to the very ocean and takes a seat. She hi-lariously encourages herself to "go for the gold!" while straining to de-beach the kayak. Finally she gets it into the water. The waves come fast, and she yells that she's kayaking! She's an athlete! And then a wave promptly flips her over.

Molly's designer sunglasses sink as she rolls in the water, obviously in trouble. She opens her eyes and a newspaper headline with her photo flashes before her: "Fortyish woman drowns in front of celebrity homes." And then a man swims up to her and grabs her around the waist, and drags her to the beach. He lays her down and she has an extraordinarily unattractive coughing fit (which sounds like a diesel lawnmower engine turning over), before looking up to see that it's that guy she's had her eye on since she arrived. Molly breathlessly says, "Thank you for saving my life!" His response? "Let's see if it's a life worth saving." Then this rather puzzlingly unsympathetic hero jogs off and jumps mysteriously back into the ocean. Hmmmm.

Molly plays with her daughter's Barbie and Ken. Ken tells Barbie he wants a divorce and will be at the Peninsula, whereupon Barbie beats his ass down. Molly then notices a photo on the coffee table; it's of Shoshanna, that poptartish singer, and it's autographed to Jayden. Molly has an imaginative flash of Shoshanna riding Kenny like a bucking bronco. Shudder. She immediately gets on the phone with Kenny, who readily admits that he's sleeping with Shoshanna, and in the same breath asks Molly to call the window washers for him. Yeah right! She hangs up on him, and nonplussed, Kenny tries to send his assistant Chloe to the house to find Molly's list of hired help. Chloe tells him that her degree's in film criticism, not Home Ec, and he promptly lets her know that she'd better do whatever the fuck housekeeping/chores/asskissing he wants, or he'll cut her from his team. She simperingly goes right along with him, and I contemplate that I really want somebody to punch this guy in the face. Sooner rather than later, plz.

Molly, wearing a giant hat (why do rich people always wear giant hats?) has managed to get Jayden down onto the beach, and is trying to coax her into the water using Barbie as a model. Hi-lariously, the doll gets all waterlogged and bedraggled. I don't think you're making progress, there, Molly. Just then, here comes the weird hot guy who saved Molly. He's wearing the exact same thing he has worn every time we've seen him (red swim shorts), and is tossing a frisbee for a Golden Retriever. Molly makes her way over to him, and they make oddly stilted, cautious small talk. She's insulted about the is-your-life-worth-it comment, and suggests that she's an ER doctor who has saved hundreds of lives. But he's all, "yeah you spend too much time in a bikini to be a doctor." She retorts that she couldn't sleep all night - what the hell kind of thing was that to say to a stranger whose life he had just saved? He admits that he was out of line, and she says that it's true she can't claim any great contribution to society. Molly rants about her husband dumping her for Shoshanna, and how she doesn't know if she's a good mother, and finally he grabs her arm to get her to shut up. He apparently has "this thing about people plowing through their lives without examining them." Obviously, she doesn't have that problem. They shake hands... his name is Sam. Red Trunks Sam, in my book. Oh, and the dog's name is Taffy. "Your wife name him?" she asks. "No," he replies simply. Yeah... no details for you, Molly, but props for the nice try, there.

Rodney and Molly discuss Cricket's turncoatness and lack of backbone. Molly's upset that Cricket won't be around while the Kenny rage is still fresh. She hopes that Cricket will come around soon. In the meantime, Molly and Jayden, wearing snorkel masks, go for a "ladies lunch" at a swanky restaurant. The snobby hostess is clearly disgusted to see them, and tells them that there will be a wait. As they sit down, in walk two of the velour-sweatpants clad bitches who ejected Molly from her fundraising duties. They exclaim that Molly looks so... natural... before being immediately seated. Bitch #1 comments to Bitch #2 how sad that it is Molly's having lunch with her child. And just then, like a beacon of likeable light, in walks Leo. Molly explains that they're having some trouble, and he ushers them over to the hostess. "How would you describe your job?" he asks her calmly. Because there are empty tables, and hungry ladies... does she see where he's going with this? The veins in the hostess' neck stand out and she strains that she didn't know Molly was with him. They're seated, and he tells her that whenever Molly comes in, she's always with him. As the hostess takes a giant bite of crow and goes to get them free Sake, Bitches #1 and 2 nearly crap their LaPerla thongs upon seeing Molly with Leo.

The snobby hostess has given in to the cuteness of Jayden and is now wearing a snorkel mask, too. Molly and Leo showily flirt for the two Bitches who are watching them from across the restaurant, and she suggests that he come over to the beach house for a big fake PDA. Only for show, of course. Leo looks at her contemplatively and tells her that she's quite a character - he can't figure out how her story will end. As for him, he could use a little ironic twist. Just then, up come the two Bitches, who fall all over themselves inviting Molly and her "date" to a party. But Molly and Leo are all, "um, we'll be busy hanging out together under the full moon." They even howl a little bit, because that's what "natural" women do. The Bitches skedaddle with a quick "call me" and Leo stands because he's late. Before he leaves, he kisses Molly full on the mouth, and she looks surprised. Yowza!

Cricket and her hairy hubby Jorje (seriously, he needs a haircut, stat. That long hanging-stringy hair does absolutely nothin' for me) are hanging out in their candlelit hot tub, and he keeps trying to put the moves on her. But since Cricket hasn't had a good talk with Molly lately, she's into a nice chat before they get to the sexy time. She blathers on about her "signature" charm bracelet and how somebody copied her by wearing one. It becomes pretty clear that he's not so much into the talking, and finally Cricket says that he'll get lucky if he can name three charms on her bracelet. Of course he can't, so she grabs her towel and leaves in a huff, trailing her husband's blue balls behind her.

Molly's alone in a movie theater, eating popcorn and yapping on her cell phone, which I find teeth-grindingly irritating even though it's just the commercials at the beginning. She leaves Joan yet another message, telling her about the two new men in her life, before being shooshed by a woman in the row behind her. I am supposed to find this funny, but instead I side with the shooshing woman because I hate cell phones and I especially hate them in movie theaters, commercials or not. Molly is lucky I wasn't in that movie with her, because that cell phone would have ended up at the bottom of a giant cup of Dr. Pepper.
Kenny has showed up at the beach house with a copy of People, which sports Shoshanna on the cover. His hand is on her shoulder in the picture - they're calling him her "mystery date." Kenny's all thrilled about the publicity until Molly tells him his hand looks old. Hee! Kenny also says that Shoshanna's "insatiable." "Ah," Molly smirks. "So no matter what you do, she's never satisfied." Kenny totally doesn't get it, and nods like the douche that he is. Molly asks him to keep Jayden and Shoshanna apart for awhile, because she's been through enough, and after bitching a little bit, Kenny finally agrees.

Jorje walks through their house, calling Cricket's name. He sees his wife in the hot tub, topless and facing away from him. Yee-haw! Looking like he hit the jackpot, he looks down at his hand, where he has written three charm types, as a reminder. Dude, what a guy thing to do! Fumbling out of his clothes, Jorje heads over to the hot tub and gets in behind her. "Butterfly... shamrock... unicorn," he says triumphantly, kissing her on the shoulder. She turns around... and it's not Cricket. It's the Russian nanny, Sasha. She throws herself on him, and after a moment of confusion, he puts his arms around her and they make with the naked canoodling.  Oooh, this will end badly for you, my hairy friend.

Molly brings Lavender coffee, asking what she's reading. "A mystery..." the guard says with a nervous chuckle. "Why the rich lady brought the security guard coffee." Molly turns to go, but Lavender invites her in and they have a chat. She goes to UCLA, and Molly sympathizes that it took her seven years to put herself through college. She had tough life, "Until you married up," Lavender says. Things aren't easy for her right now, either - she's about to be evicted because of her dog, Tater. The two women actually seem to be getting along pretty well, until Lavender somehow makes the mistake of calling Molly pathetic. Even if she does mean it as a joke, Molly takes it very seriously. She gets up to leave, and as she heads to the door, Sam of the Red Shorts rides past on his bike. Despite the insult, Molly says Lavender can stay with her if she gets in a jam. Lavender seems relieved, and tells her to keep the doors locked - there have been a couple of break-ins recently.

Sam hops off of his bicycle and heads up to a house, where Taffy, the golden retriever, runs out to greet him. Taffy's accompanied by an older woman, who is clearly the dog's real owner. Sam gives her a piece of paper with some information about a doctor on it. Iiiinteresting. I wonder what this guy really does, and what his connection to this woman is? Meanwhile, Lavender returns to her apartment complex, where her landlord confronts her about Tater. She insists that she gave the dog away, but then a suspicious barking comes from the giant black duffel bag that she is clutching to her chest. Lavender chuckles nervously and covers by pretending that the barking is her cell phone ringtone. Smooth.

Rehab. Joan tells her therapist about a traumatic experience she had with her older sister, Bambi. Sobbing, she describes disjointed "images" - money, musk, sweat. "They gave her money for me!" She flaps around the room, saying she was thrown into the trunk of a car. As Joan collapses on the floor, the therapist says they've made a lot of progress, but that they need to bring in Bambi. "NOOOOO!" Shrieks Joan so vehemently. "Of course, not now," hedges the therapist. But eventually. Okay, I could really do without this subplot. It is boring and contrived and unnecessary, and I don't really care one tiny bit about it. Back to the action!!

Little Jayden is dressed in a sparkly tank top and a head scarf thingie from Wal-Mart's Lil' Hooker line, and she's dancing and singing along to the Shoshanna video. Molly looks absolutely horrified, but has to applaud for her daughter when it's over. Turns out that Shoshanna spent the entire weekend with Kenny and Jayden. Molly manages to send Jayden off with the nanny before calling Kenny's cell and leaving him a furious message. Up walks Chloe, who brought Jayden home because Kenny tricked her into it. Oh yeah, and he said she has no life. Molly switches tacks and leaves Lou a message confirming their howling date Friday night. Take that, Kenny!

Sam is on the beach when he sees a scruffy man grab a stereo from a deck and take off running. Aha, this must be our thief! Sam gives chase, following the guy over a hedge and into an alley. He grabs back the stereo and orders the thief to stay out of the colony. But the man tackles him back and they tussle around on some handy garbage bags. Finally Sam gets the upper hand and has his fist poised to punch the thief, but looks shaken and doesn't do it. This Sam of the Red Trunks is quite a mystery.

Molly and Jayden are reading together when Taffy gallops into the house and... steals a book right off of the coffee table. Kleptodog! She races outside, and Molly hollers, "Stop that dog!" Sam all but tackles her, and brings back the book. Molly admires his physique as he comes up the stairs, deciding he must be an out of work actor. He lets her know that he trained the dog himself. So was this a ploy to see her? Molly lets him know that she has a date tonight, and it's not with him, kthx. Just then, Jayden comes over and notices that Sam has a boo-boo. Molly applies Curious George band-aids, commenting that she can't tell if Sam's avoiding her or stalking her. "Neither," he says. Another cryptic exchange with Red Trunks Sam.

Jorje is rehearsing in his bedroom when Sasha the Skanky Nanny comes in and tries to smooch him again. She feeds his ego with the old "you're an important man but your wife doesn't appreciate you like I do" schtick. He pushes her off; the previous night was a mistake, and she can't work for him anymore. Jorje offers her $5,000 to tide her over until she can find another job. Boy howdy, is that ever the wrong thing to do. Since he's trying to use her for one night, pay her like a prostitute and get rid of her, Sasha says that it should be around 50k, kthx. Either that, or his wife would probably be interested to hear about what went on. Jorje's over a barrel and he knows it, and orders her out of the house. Before leaving, she says that he has a week to get her the money.

Rodney's sitting outside on the fugly chairs when Molly calls; she's headed back to her Brentwood house to get some things, and wants him to meet her there. At the house, Molly tells Rodney that she's going to go for it with Lou. She's warmly greeted by the housekeeper, who has clearly missed her being around to keep asszilla, a.k.a. Kenny, in line. In fact, she wants to come work for Molly after the divorce settlement.
In the closet, Molly and Rodney discover two things of interest: a bottle of Viagra and the funkiest leopard-print negligee thingie with purple sequins that I have ever seen. Rodney snickeringly wonders whether Shoshanna or Kenny wears it, and Molly has a horrifying flash of her ex wearing the negligee and jumping around on the bed, juggling Viagra bottles. Shudder. That image will haunt my nightmares, yo, along with this horrible Shoshanna song that I have had to listen to way too many times during the course of this recap. Molly says that she and Kenny had sex (nothing special, it seems) but she can't remember the last time she had an earth-shatteringly great... kiss.

Jorje paces around Kenny's office. He has confessed his infidelity, and is sweating over what to do next. Kenny suggests that they go to the police - maybe the Nanny's part of some Russian mafia conspiracy to fleece movie directors? Riiight. But Jorje's concerned about what the publicity would do to Cricket - he's never cheated on her before. "Except for on-location," Kenny says, as if it's only natural. Nope, not even then, Jorje says. He'd gladly give up the money if he knew it would be the end of things - but what if this is only the first step in the nanny's evil plot? Kenny determinedly replies that Jorje isn't the victim here - he should leave everything to Kenny.

Shameless product placement! Molly's using some Ponds(r) cream on her face. Yeah, right. Like a woman who wears a full-ounce diamond goes down to Rite Aid for some $6 Ponds. Anyway, Molly doesn't know what this thing with Lou is about, but she's ready to shake things up and stop feeling sorry for herself. She's even going to floss! Later, she lights candles on a romantic table set for two. The food is set out, the wine is poured, but Lou is home alone swigging hard liquor from a bottle and writing on a piece of paper. He stumbles out to the beach and walks into the water, fully clothed, as waves wash over him. The paper he left tucked under the bottle flaps in the wind. Suicide note, perhaps? Oh, I hope not! I love Lou! He is the only male character in this show (other than Rodney) that is cool. They can't kill him off in the first ep!

Molly, unaware of Lou's situation, sits alone at the table. Finally, she clears the food, blows out the burned-down candles, and walks out onto the deck, taking down her hair. And guess who's down on the beach? Red Shorts Sam. Standing and staring out at the water. Molly walks right up to him. "Kiss me," she says. No prelude. He does, quite passionately, without saying a word. Then, "Molly," he murmurs. "Don't ruin it," she replies.

Molly walks away. She's had her amazing kiss... and wife will go on.