American Inventor Season Two Premiere: Even the Winners are Losers

Benson and Stabler arrive at the scene of the crime where a baby has been raped and thrown off the roof of a ten-story building with the words "Ludacris wuz here" written on its tiny baby-torso in bright red lipstick. Oh, wait, I'm sorry. I am so used to recapping "Law & Order: SVU" that I suppose it has gotten the best of me.

It's summer time and thus the beginning of a brand new set of reality television. It's as American as apple pie, baseball, and preemptive wars. Tonight was, in my opinion, a fantastic beginning for this season's "American Inventor." Inventors, wannabes, and the pathetically insane all gather to try to please a panel of four judges who decide if each contestant's "invention" is worthy of a $50 million grand investment. From there, they will compete with other winners from different cities for the multi-million-dollar grand prize. I will use the term "winners" here very loosely, because they all seem like they have spent way too much time in their mothers' basements, working out these "inventions" and not enough time learning to socialize with other human beings.

First off, let's meet the judges that compose the four-person panel.

George Foreman (aka: The Yes Man, Paula Abdul with a Penis, Grandpa George) holds the record for being the oldest heavyweight boxing champion and his teddy-bear personality on infomercials has made the George Foreman Grill a multi-million dollar success. He clearly feels bad for all the contestants and appears to give a vote of yes to practically anyone who appears on stage and claims to have invented something. He always has the same expression on his face, the expression that says, "In my old age I am actually beginning to enjoy those forty concussions I received in my boxing career...or maybe 50, wait, what is a concussion? Do I have to pee?"

Sara Blakely (aka: The Girl, Randy Jackson without a Penis) started a $150 million pantyhose company with a $5,000 savings account, a dream, and a decent face and nice body. Her fashion line, SPANX, has been endorsed by Oprah, who we all know has the Midas touch (even if the fingerprints leave chocolate Krispy Kreme smudges). She likes to encourage the contestants, but isn't as spineless as George when it comes to calling someone out on a horrible idea.

Pat Croce (aka: Mr. Indistinguishable, That Other Guy Who Isn't British) went from being physical therapist for the Philadelphia 76'ers to part-owner and president of the organization. His physical therapist roots show through pretty dominantly because he looks like that old guy in the gym with his crew cut and earrings and his clothing that screams "late 40's driving convertible looking for a twenty-something girl to decorate my arm and prove that I am straight." Sound harsh? Maybe, but I could have said "late 50's".

Peter Jones (aka: Simon Cowell, That British Asshole) has created a $300 million business empire in telecommunications, publishing, and business services. Now he will use this wealth to get on television just like an American (*cough* Donald Trump *cough*). Proving that you can buy yourself a spot on television, but you can't necessarily buy originality, Peter Jones spends the entire show doing his best Simon Cowell impersonation and just being an all-around asshole. Unfortunately, he is dead-on due to the fact that most of these contestants deserve everything he throws at them and more. Still, it's tough to watch yet another American job go to some foreigner due to this damn globalized economy and un-enforced immigration policies. Hello? AMERICAN Inventor? Yeah.

Now, let's get to these inventions. The inventions all pretty much fall into one of three categories. The first category are the inventions that aren't really inventions but just merging two products together that already exist such as the diaper with hand wipes built into the side, sponge gloves, and the "pot sniffer" that is just a "Glade Plug In" that attaches to your toilet. The second category is the kitsch market of inventions that perhaps the inventor may use, but no one in the world would actually pay for, such as the doggie barf bag for road trips, a plea for help that scrolls across your back windshield in case you are car-jacked, and a bib to wear while you eat and drive. The final category of invention brought before the judges was for the pathetically insane and delusional. A headgear that holds your head up. Another example is a roll of watercolor prints that react to urine to help potty train kids. I can just see it now. "Little Jimmy pissed the Mona Lisa! Let's hang it on the fridge!"

The interesting thing is that the inventions reveal a lot, not only about their inventors but about the judges as well. When a young red-headed boy came walking onto stage (I actually thought the invention was a walking ventriloquist dummy) with a dumb invention, Grandpa George couldn't help but give the young boy a courtesy "yes" vote and walked him back to his mother as the boy sobbed. One invention was a breathalyzer that attached to car keys to warn drivers if they have had to much to legally drive. Blondie rejected this and stated that she keeps a breathalyzer under her seat so why would she need one attached to her king ring. She keeps a breathalyzer under her seat? I bet she does, Little Miss Spanx probably does quit a bit of partying with her "Hide & Sleek Power Panties".

Sooooo....who were the big winners tonight for Los Angeles and San Francisco?

The Los Angeles winner was perhaps the creepiest guy on the show. His invention was a pair of furry, Valium-Blue therapy dolls. Hug them and they will say "Everything is going to be alright" in the most sinister female robot voice I have heard. These dolls would scare the shit out of me and if I ever saw one in real life I would immediately report the owner to the authorities as a "person of interest". He clearly got the sympathy vote because he was a loser on last season's show. This strikes me as a weird way to begin the competition though. This season on "American Inventor," last year's losers are good enough to compete.

The San Francisco winner was a firefighter who invented the "Guardian Angel", a device that hooks up to a Christmas tree to prevent fires. I know, I know, a firefighter inventing something that could potentially save lives is the greatest thing ever blah, blah, blah. The truth is that this guy so played up the fact that he was a firefighter that he even managed to squeeze out a few tears while recalling an incident of a home burning down over the holiday season...that he saw on the news! This guy is a phony. I could have seen the same news segment but you don't see me crying whenever I retell something that was broadcast during the 11 o'clock news hour all across the country. No, I have been properly desensitized like the rest of this bloodthirsty, grew up on America's Funniest Home Videos of people getting seriously hurt, riot during sporting events, search YouTube for "gang fights", burn ants with a magnifying glass, UFC worshiping on pay-per-view, pick my scabs, root for the bad guys generation of mine. This guy is embarrassing himself by being so phony. Oh, and he doesn't even have a prototype or anything to show the judges but instead produces a drawing that could have been sketched on a napkin by a drunk guy trying to lose at Strip-Pictionary. Of course, he wore his firefighting suit and so he got voted in for San Francisco.

Way to go California! I don't think the rest of this country's inventors have anything to worry about.