The Starter Wife - Homeless Hottie

Starter WifeAs we open, Molly’s having a dream in classic black and white of Sam of the Red Swim Trunks, the mystery man who kissed her in the pilot episode. He reclines on the beach as surf washes over him, and she climbs on top of him (rowr!) and they smooch passionately. It’s all pretty romantic until they’re sucked out to sea by the rising tide, and Molly awakens to the thought that she doesn’t know anything about this man. She tries her best not to care, but wonders; if she Googles the name Sam, will it tell her if he’s married? More pressing, in my opinion: will it tell her why he never changes his swim trunks?

It’s night on the beach as an unknown pair of bare male feet pad quietly into Lou’s expensive beach house. A flashlight turns on some spendy watches, and then a drawer is opened. A hand removes a wad of cash, a sheet of paper and a pen. We never see the person’s face as he exits the room, leaving everything else untouched. Was it Lou? I really hope so, because the last time we saw him he was walking drunkenly into the ocean, and he’s too cool to be dead.

Morning. Molly chats with Lavender, the housing complex security guard who so far has proven to be the most normal and honest person on this show, and therefore the most likeable. At the moment, she is causing me to like her even more by eating cheesecake for breakfast. Molly asks what Lavender thinks of Sam; she says he’s cool, even though he has no job, and pretty cute, considering… and she trails off to let someone into the complex. Molly doesn’t get a chance to know the conditions of Sam’s cuteness, because the car at the gate contains two police detectives looking for Lou’s house. Lou’s housekeeper found his place open when she arrived, and Lavender called the police. When Molly mentions that Lou stood her up for dinner the previous night, Lavender suggests that she go speak to the policemen.

Lou’s house, and it’s time for CSI, Hollywood. There’s a broken bottle and a stain on the deck which may be blood, but no sign of forced entry. Molly (rocking a totally bitchin’ eighties-style side ponytail) explains that she didn’t call Lou because she assumed he wasn’t coming. The detectives look hi-lariously skeptical as she stutters that it was their first date, and of course it was confirmed, even though they didn’t, well, y’know, speak about it. Like, he didn’t exactly agree to come over. The detectives decide to take a sample from the deck and follow up if Lou hasn’t made an appearance by Monday. Molly has another black-and-white flash, this time of the detectives grilling her 1940’s movie-style in an interrogation room. They good-cop bad-cop her about men coming at her beck and call, and she cracks, admitting dramatically that she cooked six courses over three days for Lou (including driving to Santa Barbara for figs). She tries and tries for men, but never gets anything in return. “With those bags under your eyes?” The detective snarls nastily.

Flash! Molly’s applying more oh-so-casually shown Ponds brand anti-eyebag goop (I have a feeling that if I snark it up every time I see Ponds on this show, it will get very old very fast) with near-religious fervor. Her phone rings, and it’s finally Joan. Molly’s surprised to hear that her pal is not in France as planned, but rather at rehab in Ojai. Joan, BTW, is hissing her end of the conversation into an illicit cell phone as she hides in the rehab center’s closet. Hee! She explains that she’s fine – she doesn’t have a problem, but her husband wanted her in rehab. The therapist is nuts, so Joan’s going to call later, and wants Molly to pretend to be her sister, Bambi. “But you don’t have a sister,” protests Molly. “Just play along!” Joan squeaks, before being interrupted by two muscular, suspicious orderlies.

Rodney, Molly’s decorator gayboy friend, is in the red. His finances are down the toilet, and he can’t pay his bills. Honestly, after those fugly chairs from the last episode, I’m not surprised. When I saw those chairs, my confidence in Rodney’s decorating skillzz imploded. Anyhoo, as he sits there all depressed, a man in a suit shows up, holding a bag of groceries. It’s Rodney’s accountant. “The bad news is that you can’t afford me anymore,” he says. But the good news is that now they can date! Awesome! Rodney’s surprised to say the least, both that the accountant is gay and that he wants to hook up. But he doesn’t say no to breakfast.

Kenny tells the detectives that Lou would have to be dead, bloody, or in a ditch somewhere to miss their Monday meeting. Being the jerk that he is, he does not seem at all concerned for his boss’ welfare. Lou had enemies, of course; it was part of his job, a job which Kenny is next in line for, BTW. So would that make Kenny one of said enemies? The detectives ask if Kenny knew that Molly had asked Lou out, and for once in his life, Kenny actually looks surprised and somewhat unsettled. The plot thickens.

In the park, Molly’s pushing Jayden on the swings when Joan and her therapist call. Joan carefully steers the conversation with “her sister Bambi,” saying that they haven’t spoken in fourteen years – not since Bambi set a fire that killed their mother. Joan’s all, “I’m sitting here WITH MY DOCTOR who is making sure you don’t manipulate me the way you did when you led me to drink. With the horrors. The horrors!” She wants “Bambi” to come to the rehab center so they can work out their issues. “You are the key to my freedom from drinking,” Joan says. Emphasis on the “freedom” bit, but I’m thinking not so much from booze as from the swanky rehab center. Molly plays along, carefully telling Joan (without telling her) to call later with more information about the visit. They hang up, and the therapist says, “You can just feel the evil.” Worst. Therapist. EVER!

Jorje watches a news report about Lou’s disappearance, which features Kenny announcing that they hope he’ll return safely… “Before the release of Double Vortex on August 30.” Jorje and I both roll our eyes at Kenny’s shameless plugging of a movie while his boss is missing.

Molly’s on the beach, watching as Sam emerges from the water, all wet and sexy in his usual red trunks. He says he looks like one of those sleek, pampered women, but with a dangerous spark. “Something’s about to ignite,” he murmurs, “And I want to be there when it does.” Okay. So I’m not a huge fan of Sam at the moment. His lines are super-duper corny with a side of cheese, and it would take an extremely skilled actor to keep them from feeling awkward and contrived. And at the moment, I just want to facepalm when he says oh-so-intensely, “You know my deal by now.” Groan. Although I do have to admit his saving grace: he looks pretty good while wet and shirtless. At any rate, Molly’s a fan of the lines, because they share a hot kiss. “Careful… I might ignite,” Molly smiles, and it’s a credit to Debra Messing that when she says it, it’s actually not cheesy. She asks him out to Starbucks, and he agrees, then runs Baywatch-style back into the ocean. Molly walks away with a little spring in her step, only to be confronted by the two Bitches from the sushi restaurant in the last episode. They smirk that Molly’s gone from Lou to the “homeless guy.” And not homeless as in sleeping on a friend’s couch – homeless as in, on a box under a bush. They gasp and giggle at the expression on Molly’s face.

Somewhere on a serenely peaceful lawn, a group of rich women are doing yoga. Beach Bitch #1 and Cricket partner up for the half-moon pose, and the Bitch takes the opportunity to gossip about Molly, calling her an “equal-opportunity slut.” Cricket, to her credit, gives the Bitch a vindictive shove, saying that Molly’s worth twenty of her. “You can forget the Fergie lunch,” snaps the Bitch. “Worth it,” retorts Cricket before stalking away. Woo-hoo, Cricket!

Lavender bangs on her landlord’s door, asking, “Where are they?” The landlord’s all, “Oh you mean your grandma and that dog you said you didn’t have anymore?” He doesn’t know, but they can’t live in the apartment anymore, and can’t have their stuff until they pay for new carpets. He slams the door, and Lavender’s grandma, holding the dog, emerges from where she was hiding in a neighbor’s apartment. They don’t know where they’ll be sleeping tonight.

Molly gives a speech to Sam her mirror, saying it’s not about him or his circumstances. She’s too raw to get into a relationship. They should walk away, however painful or frustrating it is. She says all of this while looking intensely in the mirror, making pouty lips and waggly eyebrows. Hells no, this girl does not look like she’s ready to walk away from a relationship. She looks like she’s ready to jump somebody’s bones.

Said bones walk into Starbucks with Molly, and they both order small iced coffees. The total is $4.80, and Sam pays. With quarters. Klassy. They take a seat, and up until now, I thought the Bitches were just messing with Molly. But no, it’s actually true; Sam tells her he’s been homeless three years. He’ll tell her anything else she wants to know. “Please don’t make me play 20 questions, Sam,” Molly says. So he lays it all out, starting with this fun fact: he killed a man. It was an accident, but he spent 5 years in jail in New York. He couldn’t rebuild his old life, so he traveled the world, drinking himself into a stupor. When he recovered, he made his way here, where he lives without making a “dent in the world.” Molly’s pretty taken aback, but he says she took him by surprise – he hasn’t felt anything in a long time. He won’t change, get a job or an apartment or take her out for a nice dinner. He only thinks about right now; friendship, and comfort. Oh yeah, and he would love to make love to her. “Can I think about it?” she whispers. Sam replies that she knows where to find him. “Actually, I don’t,” says Molly.

Next thing you know, he’s leading her down a forest path toward his sexy bachelor pad clearing in the woods. Sam survives by doing odd jobs for one of the Colony’s residents, who also lets him shower at her place. But he lives here, in a clearing filled with random stuff. Before, he was an investment banker. He shows her his bed (consisting of pallets with a sleeping bag) and his library full of Phillip Roth books, which they both adore. He offers to let her borrow one, but she refuses. Molly is clearly very uncomfortable here, and he knows it as she thanks him and shows herself out. On her way back up the path, Molly has a lovely fantasy in which Sam carries her through the jungle to a gorgeous four-poster bed. “I was lying,” he says manfully. “I have a perfectly good job in middle management.” He kisses her passionately, champagne pops, and Molly snaps back to reality, making her way back to her car with a sigh. So much for a romantic date. Damn you, harsh reality!

Molly and Rodney are at a tattoo parlor, shopping for temporary spider tats for Molly’s upcoming performance as the infamous Bambi. Bambi, it seems, is quite a character – for example, she had her missing earlobe surgically corrected in prison. Rodney thinks that Joan doesn’t need rehab, she needs a publisher, and when Molly tentatively suggests that Joan may actually need help, Rodney quickly dismisses it. Pappy’s a puritan, and Molly’s going to storm in there and get their friend back!

Lavender loads her grandma and the dog into a station wagon. Grandma’s wondering where they will go now – motels such as the fleabag they stayed in that night are definitely off of the list.

Molly pulls up to the rehab center and emerges in full-on Bambi character. Let me tell you, this absolutely must be seen to be appreciated. To begin, you’ve got Debra Messing wearing the most awesome outfit in the entire universe, which consists of a purple mesh top (strategically ripped to reveal the spider tattoo) yellow tights, pink heels and a black, satiny, short, pushed-up-boob dress. Oh, and the most excellent giant blonde RuPaul bouffant wig I have ever seen. With plenty of violet eye shadow. She strides bitchily in to confront her “sister,” but not before asking the therapist if he wants to see the tattoo on her ass (which she claims matches the one on Joan’s – they got them in Ti-ha-whan-ha). Molly and Joan eye and circle each other, trading barbs, including the perfect: Bambi: “Miss me?” Joan: “Like a whore misses the clap.” Bambi/Molly takes a seat, clomps her pink peep-toe stilettos up to rest on the coffee table, and they get down to the therapy business.

The “sisters” yell at each other as the doctor sits to the side encouraging honesty without anger. Bambi is obnoxious and raunchy and loud; they must have had so much fun shooting this scene. Joan reads from a journal she’s been writing in. What does she feel under all the pain Bambi has caused her? “Gas?” suggests Bambi. Har! Joan screams that this is why she drinks! Why must Bambi destroy everything she touches?? Why did she kill Joan’s little Skippy?? And this is where it all starts to fall apart, because Molly doesn’t know who the heck Skippy was, and it takes her a couple of tries to guess it was a hamster. Joan screams that Bambi nuked her pet, causing the house to burn down with their mother in it. “Bambi” has a retort: Joan was the one who put Grammy Pickle’s oxygen tank next to the old sparking blender while making their mother her morning daiquiri. Joan collapses dramatically on the couch, but she’s barely holding it together – all of a sudden she starts to giggle and can’t stop. She roars with laughter, asking Molly where she got that Grammy Pickle line. Molly tries to keep up the façade, but it’s no use. The jig is totally up. The therapist cottons on to the fact that he’s been had, and tells Joan that she’s no longer welcome at his clinic. The two giggling women make their escape as I nearly fall off of my couch. Damn, that shit was funny.

The saga of the fugly chairs continues; Rodney doesn’t have anywhere to put them, so the 856244 green-upholstered scrolly white chairs with gold tops are still sitting around outside of his house. And the neighbors have called the cops. The chairs get cited as a public nuisance, and the cop says Rodney has an hour to get rid of them. Molly calls, and Rodney decides to shelve his chair issues for a meeting with his girls. Meanwhile, Molly and Joan (still gussied up as Bambi) leave the clinic. Molly’s telling Joan all about Sam’s sad little campsite. It was pathetic, but when she saw it, all she could think about was making love to him. Really, Molly? Really? Just exactly what about a couple of wood pallets with an old sleeping bag says “mad passionate sex?” Joan is also shocked, even though Molly says that she really likes Sam, and when she’s with him all of the issues just don’t seem to matter. Joan’s all, “Yeah well I’m back now so that shit’s over and done, yo.”

Back at the house, Joan and Molly walk in on a party which is being held on the fugly chairs. Excellent! Rodney, Lavender, her grandma Vera, Jayden, the nanny and Tater the dog are all there to greet them. Lavender’s grandma is cool and direct, asking which one is Joan and which one “swaps spit with a hobo.” She warmly thanks Joan for letting them stay. Lavender is super uncomfortable with the situation, but Molly smoothes things over by telling her that they were going to be evicted, and she was sure Joan wouldn’t mind since she was in France, right? Joan gets the idea and welcomes Lavender and Vera, but certainly looks less than pleased about Tater. Rodney hands her a drink, which she looks extremely grateful for. Molly smiles wistfully, imagining Joan’s place as a haven for refugees. The only person missing is Cricket.

Kenny and Jorje have staged a bumbling sting to entrap the blackmailing Russian nanny, Sasha. Kenny’s got video equipment set up, and plans to tape Sasha as she meets Jorje for the money. That way they’ll have something on her, too. Jorje’s freaking out as Kenny obtusely tries to “direct” him. I am loving the undertones of a studio head trying to direct a director. Kenny hightails it into the other room as Sasha arrives, and Jorje carefully positions her in front of the open laptop and its camera. An excellent scene ensues, with Kenny checking out Sasha’s, er, assets via webcam, as Jorje tries to keep her in front of the camera. First Sasha wants to count the money, and then she wants a letter of recommendation (dude, this chick has stones). As Jorje gets more and more worked up, a car pulls into the driveway. Kenny races downstairs and sees Cricket approaching; he races back upstairs and frantically starts texting Jorje to let him know his wife is home. But he’s too slow; Cricket walks in and sees Kenny sitting at the video equipment, right as Sasha grabs Jorje’s hand, puts it on her boob and mentions their tryst in the grotto. Soooo busted.

Cricket grabs Kenny by the ear and drags him right into the room where Sasha’s still got Jorje by the balls hand. Jorje quickly disengages and retreats to the other side of the desk as Sasha stutters that she is just there to pick up her severance pay. She grabs the bundles of cash, but Cricket snatches the money from her and is all, “Deportation and jail, or we just never see or hear from you again.” Sasha’s all, “um, er, uh,” and Cricket hollers at her to get the hell out of her home. Jorje nods emphatically, but once Sasha leaves, she throws the cash on the table and tells him to get out, too.

Molly, Joan and Rodney are chilling in the living room, watching movies and toasting each other with martinis. Suddenly Cricket walks in, talking a mile a minute. “Can I come back?” she asks anxiously. She knows that Molly must hate her, but she’ll never forgive herself for not being there for her friend. “I forgive you,” Molly says. But Cricket continues, talking about all of the things Molly’s done for her, like going with her to her father’s funeral and helping fill out adoption papers. Finally Molly hugs her to quiet her down, saying again that she forgives her and wants to tell her about all the stupid things she’s done. The gang agrees that Molly has the monopoly on stupid, so Cricket claims another title: brokenhearted.

Molly and Cricket have apparently been up all night talking. As dawn breaks, Molly says that she is ready to support her friend any way necessary. Cricket asks about Sam in return, and Molly admits that she really does like him. Lavender comes in and gets serious, telling Molly that the invitation to stay means more to her than she’ll ever know. “I’m not lonely anymore,” Molly replies with a smile. And I find myself really falling in love with this concept; of a bunch of people coming together out of both circumstances and genuine affection, to support each other. Aw, I just got a little misty, y’all.

Suddenly there’s a knock at the door; it’s the police detectives, there to ask Molly some more questions. They’ve heard about her lunch with Lou, and she tells them (and Cricket) about how she and Lou were pretending to be involved to make Molly look better. The detectives ask if Lou seemed despondent. He moved some money around recently, and put his affairs in order, including a new will. Molly wonders what we’ve all been thinking; did he commit suicide? The blood on the deck wasn’t his, but did match the blood on a bandage they found. Molly reflexively asks if it was a Curious George band-aid, and the detectives jump on it. Ooh, I honestly didn't see this one coming. Molly admits that she bandaged Sam’s cut. “How well do you know this Sam?” asks one of the detectives. Molly flashes back to that passionate kiss on the beach. “Not at all, apparently,” she says, looking like her heart is breaking.

Next week: The appearance of the infamous Shoshanna! Gawd, I hope we don’t have to hear that song anymore.