American Inventor: The Saddest Show on Television (if you have a heart).

This week's installment of American Inventor brought us more competition from Los Angeles and San Francisco. This week's winners would be judged against last week's and ultimately one $50,000 winner would be selected from each city. Once again the contestants were mostly crazy people who all referred to their inventions as "revolutionary" and "life changing" and they all promised that they would one day be famous for it. Famous? As in saw-you-on-tv-making-an-ass-out-of-yourself-with-your-dumb-idea famous? Wow, they were right. This episode had more tears than last episode and the sympathy card went very far in eliciting a "yes" vote from the four judges. Well, George Foreman would have given them yes votes anyways because he gives everyone yes votes. In fact, the only suspense that George adds to this show is trying to guess what color of vest he will be wearing in the next scene.

The first invention was actually decent compared with the long list of ridiculous gadgets that was presented in the first episode. It was a lawn mower attachment that allowed any lawn mower to also become an edger and a mulcher. Of course, this invention wasn't good enough on it's own so they had to keep mentioning the fact that the inventor, an elderly black man, had twelve kids. It would set the trend for the rest of the show in that any mediocre "invention" would get a yes vote from the panel of judges if the inventor was sad, pathetic, or disabled enough.

The second invention to be approved was presented by two hot looking girls in their 20's. That gets a yes vote from me. Their product was a set of flake flowers that had replaceable scent-spewing stems. Another freakin' air freshener? The idea that these two little vixens found bad odor to be the Mother Necessity to their invention kinda turned me off a little. I examined my television a little closer and thought I could detect a little mustache on one of them and pretty soon I stopped hoping for the bikini competition to become a part of the show. Luckily, my brain turned it all around and I pretended that they invented these flower air fresheners to cover up the smell of weed and gin that is constantly flowing out of their steamy girl-on-girl dorm room / brothel. Ok, back to the show. The ladies got all yes votes from the judges.

Time to put away that insta-porno soundtrack Casio keyboard and bring out the violins for the next sad contestant. Tammy Harris is a wounded fifty-something woman who moans into the camera about how difficult it was for the family to travel to the competition since her husband has a bad heart and has been out of a job for two years. She can barely choke back the tears as she explains her automatic frosting dispenser for decorating cakes and the judges, all except Peter, fall for it. Peter isn't interested but the rest of the judges give her the yes vote. Sara Blakely even pumps out a few tears of her own. The camera pans to her supposedly sick husband celebrating and, I shit you not, he clutches his heart. I am not a religious man, I have never believed in spirituality as an answer to life's many difficulties or even bothered to look upwards in search of something more, but I swear to you that I actually prayed that this man would have a heart attack right there on the show and his cry-baby old wife and her stupid cake decorating hobby would have killed him. Sorry.

After the feel-good yes vote for the sad cake decorating lady it was clear that the producers decided to give us, the audience, a break from the melodrama. What better way to do it than give us a montage of the clinically insane and their inventions? We got a pimple sucker, a baby ass-washer, and a coffin that looked like a classic car. The best though was a "super fan hat" that was nothing but an orange traffic cone painted black and worn atop the inventor's head. I hate to say that I am disappointed with you America, so let's just say I am disappointed with your inventions. I mean, seriously, does no one have any decent ideas anymore? A lot of these lunatics actually spent their entire month's welfare checks to hop on a Greyhound bus to travel to LA or SF to showcase their ideas. And the ideas are horrible. I kept waiting for someone to show the judges an inflated balloon that you can carry around in case you need to suddenly blow out some birthday candles but don't feel like exhaling. You would think we could do better and the contestants' constant claims of being "the next great American Inventor" makes me wonder who the last one was, Thomas Edison?

The next contestant rolls into the studio in a wheelchair and I already know that he is going to get strong "yes" votes from all of the judges. So far, that is how this show works and it seems that if you want to be a great inventor you better start praying to lose a limb or that your spouse gets Cancer. Unfortunately, this guy had a great idea so I can't object to the fact that all the judges did in fact give him the approval to move forward. He invented a collapsable wheelchair that is compact and would fit into any vehicle. The only problem with this contestant is that he is much too cheery and upbeat. When I see a handicapped person on television I want the cold bitterness of Lt. Dan from Forrest Gump or the seething resentment of Tom Cruise in Born on the 4th of July. He displayed his applaudable character by making jokes about his disability and explaining that he constructed the chair himself in his garage with simple tools. Touche. It's hard not to admire that, but I still think it would have been better if his invention was a spring-loaded sword on the side of his wheelchair that at the touch of a button would cut the legs off of anyone walking near him so that they too could learn what real pain is all about.

We get a brief intermission from the sob stories of the other contestants. In walks an Oklahoma teacher who invented a new toy kit. The user can assemble any of a hundred different types of radio controlled toys. First the child will print out a template from the computer program and then fold the sheets of paper into the corresponding shapes and then, I guess, throw some wires and a battery in it and, PRESTO, you got motorized origami. Sound complicated? Well, it is but this dorky teacher and his ballcap-wearing lady assistant (who isn't his wife..hmmmm) are about as plain as the white paper their toys are printed from. However, it is a decent invention and the judges reluctantly give him yes votes but they were disappointed that he didn't have any blind family members.

The final invention to be judged came from a father of five who invented a contraption that would hold his young daughter's hearing aid in place. Sigh. Yep, a deaf daughter. Do I even need to say more? The only tragic thing about this actual family is the fact they admitted to being swindled by some con man who charged them $3 grand to put together a book that showcases their invention. Wow, $3 grand for a book and someone paid it? That guy should be on this show. After the judges unanimously gave them the yes vote, Peter told them that he would personally give them the $3 grand that they were cheated out of. He was probably going to use that money to hook something up with those young flower air freshener chicks but this way it is a tax right off.

All the contestants have been seen and heard and pitied. It was time to do the second round of voting for who would be the saddest inventor in Los Angeles and San Francisco. The dorky teacher and his paper remote controlled toys won it for Los Angeles and that phony-ass cry-baby fireman from last week won it for San Francisco. I hate that guy.

Next week we get to see whose hard-luck stories and ridiculous gimmicks will get them past the first round in the other areas of the country. Can't wait.