American Inventor (6/20/2007) The old, the impoverished, and the insane

Okay, everyone knows how disappointed I was with the inventors of Los Angeles and San Francisco. Not to mention how depressing it was to watch last week when every single contestant had a sob story, handicap, or dead relative to go with it. My hopes were high this week that Chicago and New York would have more to offer than air fresheners and Jerry's Kids. The theme this week apparently was the old, the immigrant, and the, like always on this show, the clinically insane.

The first New York inventor managed to squeeze himself into both of the above categories as he was a very old italian immigrant who didn't speak english as well as someone who claimed to have been in this country for 40 years should. His invention was a copper mask, a copper breathing filter, copper glasses, and a copper hat. I have been bored enough to have actually looked at a Parade magazine and seen the copper bracelet ads and I have suffered from enough insomnia to see the late-night infomercials hawking them also. Well, old Carlo, testified like a cult member. He claimed that the glasses improved his vision, the breathing filter improved his cardiovascular condition, and the hat made him "tink betta". I could already tell that I was in for a long night. Luckily, not even Grandpa George Foreman gave this old whacko a yes vote.

The part of me that wishes every contestant on this show would seriously injure themselves with their own pathetic invention almost came true tonight. I was so close to actually standing up and applauding the misfortune of others but, alas, he merely embarrassed himself and his family on national television. His name is James Davis and he invented a fitness machine that simulates swimming only instead of the tedious and unreasonable pool of water you just strap yourself into a medieval torture rack and tilt from side to side trying to fight the nausea as the blood rushes to your head. James looked like he was a second away from passing out and even the heartless Limey judge seemed concerned and ask for his sidekick to help him out.

The next immigrant trying to NAFTA her way into becoming an American Inventor was from Georgia (the country not the state that no one cares about). She had a drawing of a jewelry box that had a web cam and a recorded message from a man saying how sexy the owner was. This lady screamed "mail-order bride" and the idea that anyone would need a web cam in their jewelry box caused me to post this recap late because I was googling lonelysluttygeorgianhousewiveswithlotsofjewlery.com She could have made some nasty porn with the old man hawking copper jewelry.

The winners for Chicago was a lady who had a strip away shower curtain (cleaning is so last century) and an old (yes, another old) man with a paddle ball contraption that required you to use both hands.

New York hadn't produced a single finalist yet and it didn't look like they were going to. A man tried to convince the judges that his gloves that played music were a great idea but he didn't once mention the masturbation implications. He wanted to market it as a toy for children, the sicko.

But wait... The show is nearly over and we haven't heard a sob story yet. Nothing that would help a one armed man ties his shoes? What the hell is going on? Wait, is utter stupidity a disability? Maybe not but the guy named Wes who had spent/borrowed $300 Grand for his invention would be a definite argument that it could be. His invention was a race track for matchbox cars that required the "racers" to step on a gas pedal. That's it. $300 Grand and the track doesn't have a single loop or flip or, christ, it didn't even have a turn. It was a drag strip, which means straight line to those of us that have lives. Both of Wes's brothers put second mortgages on their homes to finance this "invention" which may prove that the stupidity disability is genetic. He got three yes votes out of sympathy and he acted like he won the lottery. Even if he was to win the million dollar prize, which he won't because his invention sucks, by the time the taxes are taken out of it he will probably still be in debt. A gas pedal, a straight line track, and a completely delusional dream. Or nightmare.

The final contestant looked like Phil Specter jammed into a Joey Ramone outfit. He was from Bonkers, excuse me, Yonkers, New York and his invention was a doll called "black cougar" that was designed after a super hero that only rescues children. He had a friend dressed up like the doll in full costume and it completely overshadowed the actual doll. Not the costume, but the fact that this guy actually had a friend. I am impressed. His presentation was as crazy as he was but nothing that would get him more than two votes from "you are scaring me so I will say yes" George Foreman and "Black Cougar is what I call my secret lover so I will vote yes" Sara Blakely.

Out of 8 million people New York has yet to produce one decent invention worthy of three yes votes. I am a little disappointed with the Big Apple and I can only assume that the judges will have to find a way to lower the bar even further down to find anything worthwhile next week. How low can you go?