Hey Paula: Episode One

Love her or hate her, Paula’s pretty entertaining.  She’s been in the business for twenty years and says her fans are her life.  Thus, her extreme sensitivity to bad press, which she’s been receiving her fair share of this year.  Seizing the chance to show the world “the gift” that she is, Paula gives us a peek into her hectic life and many business ventures.

Whizzing down the street in chauffeured car (are you watching Paris and Lindsey?), Paula passes a streetcorner boasting both a Panda Express and a Starbucks, declaring, “Between the two, we can figure out a balanced meal.”  Now this is my kinda girl!

Soon we meet her entourage: Daniel, Paula’s best friend and hairstylist/makeup artist; Jeff, her publicist; Kiley, her stylist; Marina, her housekeeper; and her four tiny dogs.

On Paula’s immediate agenda are the Grammy’s and a trip to Philadelphia to hock her jewelry on QVC.  As she preps for the Grammy’s, Paula wraps one of her dogs in some extremely expensive borrowed jewelry, retrieves a ring from another one of her dog’s mouth and riffles through her clothing designs for the upcoming Bratz movie she’s working on.  The Bratz producers are on Paula's shitlist after almost two months of unreturned calls.

So wouldn't you know that when Daniel finally captures Paula and begins to work on her hair for the Grammy’s,  the Bratz producers finally call.  They want the costumes delivered immediately, and it's all a bit much for Paula to handle.  She has a brief self-indulgent moment, saying “They beat me down, but I’m a warrior!”

Following in the footsteps of such quotable reality stars as Jessica Simpson, Paula’s already quick to let the sound bytes flow.  She follows up her warrior comment with a musing on her music career, “The last time I had a hit record, Billy and Hilary were having sex.  [pause]  That’s a long time.”

Paula’s nervous about ending up on a worst dressed list again (although isn’t it a sign when your stylist doesn’t even look good?!), so she takes her time picking the perfect  Grammy ensemble before settling on a black and white Valentino floor-length gown.  Despite feeling good, Paula looks a little gun shy approaching Joan and Melissa Rivers on the red carpet.

It’s now 9 p.m. and Paula’s assistants, Kylie and Courtney, can’t seem to locate the pocketsize pop star to get her on an 11 p.m. flight to Philly.  Meanwhile, Paula’s wandering the downtown streets looking for her limo.  After receiving a catcall of  “Paula, you’re forever my girl!” she quips that she's a legend and immediately stumbles over her gown.  Oh, karma.

More problems ensue when Paula discovers her assistants forgot to pack her a pair of comfy sweats for the flight.  Instead, she must wear a pair of horribly tight skinny black jeans and high-heeled boots, but she surprisingly handles it all in stride and arrives in Philly ready to take on QVC.

Once again, Paula’s a little nervous.  This time it’s that she doesn’t have the extreme  publicity backing that American Idol generates for her while in season.  She’s quick to point this out to QVC employees, and urges them not to expect the same numbers as her first appearance, especially after she views her latest collection and notices that the final products don't match the samples she approved.

They’re about to go on air, and Paula’s still miffed about her jewelry and scared her numbers won’t hold up.  But never fear, an emotional caller puts Paula back on track, and she rolls through the night selling out of almost all of her pieces.