So You Think You Can Dance - Episode 311 - 2 of 16 Voted Off

Y'all, my heart is broken. Effing America. Effing judges. I want to punch someone in the face and there are so, so many idiots to choose from. Sigh.

Anyway, group dance. It's choreographed by Tyce Diorio and set to "The Lioness Hunt" from The Lion King original Broadway cast recording. Despite the fact that I think the camera operators are drunk, it's incredible, all tribal and fluid and powerful. I like that it's not easy to pick out individual dancers because they move together so beautifully as a group, but I can spot glimpses of Sabra, Sara and Hok. Well played, Tyce. Usually I can't stand your Broadway routines but this was awesome.

Cat comes stomping out to greet us. She's wearing a strapless green cocktail dress that looks pretty from the front but when the camera goes behind her, there's this awful ruffle thing on the back. Her hair is mostly straight, with some curling at the ends. She greets the judges and they chat a bit about last night, then tells us we've got a busy night so let's get to it. Let's get to ripping out my heart? Well, if we must. She calls out the first two couples - Lauren and Neil and Lacey and Kameron - and wishes Lacey a happy birthday before recapping both of their performances. When she's done, she opens the envelope to reveal who's safe. It's Lacey and Kameron, which means Lauren and Neil are the first couple in the bottom three. Lacey and Kameron almost start making out on stage, they're so relieved. I swear I'm not making that up. I really thought they were going for it for a second there.

Next up are Jaimie and Hok, Sabra and Dominic, and Sara and Hayzoos. Cat tells Jaimie and Hok that they're safe, and there's a brief moment where Dominic looks like he knows he and Sabra are in the bottom three because there's no way Sara and Hayzoos are. Oh, silly Dominic. Don't you know this show is designed to give me a heart attack? Whoops, sorry, Jessi. It's Sara and Hayzoos in the bottom three after all, and Sabra and Dominic are shocked but happy. Debbie says Sara and Hayzoos are in the bottom three because America wants to see them dance solos. That's some quality bullshit, right there, but wait until you hear what Nigel tries to spin later. Cat next calls out Pasha and Jessi, who has returned from the hospital. They're getting a chance to dance their original cha-cha and it's quite a bit different, and even hotter, than the one he danced with Melanie. When they're done, Jessi tells Cat that she had a dehydration problem that caused an irregular heartbeat. She also calls Pasha her boyfriend, quickly changing it to "pretend boyfriend," but I think we all know they're totally doing it. When she says Pasha sat by her hospital bed and held her hand, everyone sighs longingly. Pasha is dreamy, y'all. Jessi knows she has to dance a solo, but Pasha does not. He's safe.

The final pairs are Shauna and Cedric and Anya and Danny. Again, think you know where this is going? Have you ever watched voting-based reality TV before? Shauna and Cedric are safe, and Anya and Danny end up in the bottom three. Danny's face is hilarious, all, "Bitch, PLEASE." Cat goes to Nigel who says, in all seriousness, that America didn't vote for Anya and Danny to be in the bottom three, they just didn't vote for them to be in the top four. Er, five. Math is hard for Nigel. Danny openly and loudly laughs while Nigel is delivering this load of crap, which is AWESOME. Danny likely ended up in the bottom three because he comes off as a bit cold and arrogant, like Faina did, but right now I love him for being kind of a dick because Nigel deserves to be mocked for that garbage.

It's time for the solo dances. Lauren dances to a Kevin Federline song, and that alone makes me root for her to get kicked off. I mean, really? That's what she chose to dance to? She also spends way too much time walking around and taking off her jacket, when she's only got 30 seconds. Neil's next and he's very athletic, with a lot of tumbles and flips, but he's also graceful and does an extended sequence of pirouettes. It's pretty fantastic. Sara's dancing to "Ladies First" by Queen Latifah and I'm happy I get to see what she's best at, since she got no face time in the auditions. I think she's great, despite knowing very little about breakdancing. Hayzoos dances to "What I Like About You" by The Romantics and, compared to Neil, it's not as technically skilled or as compelling. This is where I start to worry about my boyfriend Hayzoos. Sorry, Jessi - my pretend boyfriend. Speaking of which, Jessi's up next and she does a hip-hop routine to Omarion's "Ice Box." Unlike last week, when she kept flashing her panties, this week she's completely covered up in a hoodie and baggie pants. She's pretty good but her energy is understandably low. Danny comes out next and I love him even more tonight for dancing to the Elliott Yamin version of "A Song For You." He's beautiful and captivating, but it looks like he loses track of the time and is still doing a move when the theme music kicks in. Last is Anya, who doesn't do a whole lot but strut and pose to Eva Cassidy's "Fields of Gold." It's a weirdly muted music choice for someone as vivacious as Anya, and her fugly outfit - the outline of a sequined blue dress over a black mesh unitard and gloves - doesn't help.

While the judges deliberate, we get a performance of "Glamorous" by Fergie and Ludacris. I have a confession to make, y'all. I love Fergie. LOVE. I think she's pretty and talented and ghetto fabulous, and I only hate her a tiny bit for getting to bang Josh Duhamel. She's lip-synching parts of this song and singing live on other parts, and she sounds a bit crappy in her lower register on some of the live parts. Her back-up dancers are brilliant, so finally there's a musical performance that really ties into this show. Ludacris pops on stage to rap briefly, prompting the audience to sing along with the "broke ass home" part, then leaves when he's done. Hee. I also love Luda. Fergie finishes with an adorably sweet smile right at the camera.

After we get back from a commercial break, the judges are back in their seats. Nigel turns to the girls first and says the decision was not unamimous. He sternly tells all of them that their solos were not good enough, singling out Lauren for taking too long to actually start dancing, then he abruptly cuts Jessi with no explanation. Wow, cold. Even if it was for liability reasons due to her hospitalization, show a little compassion and tell her that. At the very least, pretend you're sorry she's leaving. Asshole. Jessi looks gobsmacked and admits she's stunned when Cat asks how she's feeling. Cat shows her video journey and when it's over she asks what Jessi will miss most about the competition. Jessi, fighting back tears, can only get out that she'll miss Pasha the most. The camera goes backstage where the other dances are waiting and Pasha looks upset and furious on Jessi's behalf.

The guys are up next and Nigel says this decision was unamimous. He tells Neil and Danny that their solos were outstanding, then tells Hayzoos that he's been outstanding before but compared to Neil and Danny tonight, he wasn't good enough and he's being cut. Ugh, I hate this. I hate that the decision seems to be based entirely on the solos, since Hayzoos has been excellent and adaptable in all of his dances with Sara, but Neil struggled with two out of his three dances with Lauren. The decision should be based on the overall body of work, not that one 30 second solo, unless a dancer was so awful in their solo that it can't be overlooked, which Hayzoos was not. I'm so freakin' bitter right now. Anyway, Hayzoos is awesome and classy, saying he's happy he got to inspire kids who want to dance. He says he's going to miss Hok, Dominic and Sara the most, and when the camera goes backstage, everyone is in tears but Sara is downright sobbing, bless her heart. Also, Jimmy is out in the audience, cheering on Hayzoos. It's all very emotional and I think I need to lie down.

Next week: there's no show because of the July 4th holiday. It comes back on July 11 and hopefully by then I'll be over the Hayzoos thing and looking forward to my favorite guy (Pasha) and my favorite girl (Sara) being paired up.