Doctor Who: Special: The Runaway Bride

Warning!: This is the recap of “The Runaway Bride” not Runaway Bride. While both may feature red-headed brides who cannot control missing their weddings, there will not be any future reference of Julia Roberts in this recap.

Welcome to Recapist’s very first Doctor Who recap. I’m Theoriginalspy – Spy for short, and after some serious negotiations (a phrase which here means I groveled and the site’s PTB acquiesced for fear of future whining) I’ll be covering not only the Doctor, but also the Doctor’s OMG-did-fanfic-writers-finally-get-a-show-totally-to-themselves spin-off, Torchwood over the long break between now and the start of the regular network season.

I do have to ask you to suspend your disbelief and just assume I have access to the time vortex, to explain my ability to have this recap up before it's first airing in the US. Okay, I admit it! My other car is a TARDIS. I'm Canadian.

Now let me explain where we left the Doctor… No, explaining would take too long; let me sum up: the Doctor, after losing Rose but hopefully also buying stock in the Kleenex Corporation, to make money off the pain and suffering of the fandom, was standing on the TARDIS faced with a woman in a wedding dress. This has to be a Time Lord’s worst nightmare because “‘til death do you part” could have an entirely different meaning to a citizen of Gallifrey. I mean which death? The next regeneration? Until all 13 lives are used up? So there’s the Doctor, using his best emo stance, faced with one very upset bride to be and one whole shitload of confused viewers. (Confused viewers, a phrase which here means Russell T. Davies is attempting to distract us from our Rose-induced depression.)

That’s were we left off, now, we’re at wedding that can only be described by one word: stereotypical.

That is, until the bride is suddenly transported to the TARDIS. Both the Doctor and the bride are all WTF as we get transported into the credits. I cringe when I see a name other than Billie Piper's in the credits.

The bride does not react as well as I would were I transported into the TARDIS. My response would be “Yippee!” Hers is much more like, “OMG YOU STOLE ME PUT ME BACK NOW! WTF TARDIS?” She tries opening the doors to leave, only to discover she’s in outer space.

Trying to prove that he is capable of being a doctor, the Doctor examines the bride (Donna) -

- but she wants none of it. She wants to get to the church on time.

Donna spots one of Rose’s jackets and accuses the Doctor of being some sort of serial kidnapper. I openly admit that the Doctor’s explanation of the jacket being his “friend’s” and that she’s “lost,” along with possessively taking the jacket back from the angry bride, makes me tear up.

Back at the church, the groom, Lance, is worried but Donna’s mother thinks it’s all a big “look at me” trick. If this is what her mother thinks, no wonder Donna (spoiler alert) behaves like a right cow for most of this special.

The TARDIS, now back on earth, is confusing Donna because of the whole bigger on the inside thing, but the Doctor has another worry on his mind – his ship is behaving strangely. The real question is, how would he know? All it’s ever done since the restart of the series is behave strangely. He questions Donna about who she’s marrying and wonders if he’s "A bit overweight with a zip in his forehead?” Hee!

Back to worrying about being Mrs. Lance, Donna insists that no Martian will stop her from being married on Christmas Eve. Well, maybe not a Martian but all the taxi drivers refusing to stop and pick her up plus her not having money for the cab ride, might. She doesn’t have any money, nor her mobile phone, but then again, as she keeps pointing out, wedding gowns don’t come with pockets.

Using a payphone, Donna calls the church, only to be thwarted by everyone’s phone being dead and / or busy. Eventually, she convinces someone to loan her some money and takes off in a taxi, threatening to sue the Doctor. Good luck on that.

At the cash point, the Doctor, with the help of his trusty sonic screwdriver, gets his own money and a whole load of new trouble. Two things he supposedly blew up last year are now back to haunt him.

Once again relying on the sonic screwdriver, he sabotages the cash point to spray money, using the crowd of greedy humans as cover as he goes after Donna’s taxi. The driver is one of the psycho Santas.

In what is the best special effects scene ever in this series, the TARDIS follows the now actually kidnapped by an alien, Donna and her taxi. She’s rather thick because, at first she thinks she’s just got the world’s dumbest taxi driver, and then refuses to jump into the TARDIS, even though she’s discovered Santa is a robot. Let’s see, robotic Santa or the Doctor? Tough choice, right?

I take it back, the real reason Donna’s wary is that she’s afraid of being like the Doctor’s friend. She doesn’t want to be lost. Begrudgingly I admit that she has a point. Only after he reassures her that Rose is alive and well, does Donna finally jump. What he doesn't add, is: alive and well, but no longer in this dimension. That might have given Donna pause.

After landing, the TARDIS needs a few hours of rest, and Donna’s depressed about missing her wedding. “If only we had a time machine,” she laments, and the Doctor nicely sidesteps the issue. Trying to comfort her, he loans her his coat only to be told he’s so skinny, “it wouldn’t fit a rat.” Harsh.

If only to make the post-non-wedding blues worse, the Doctor pulls out a biodamper to hide her from the Santas, which is shaped like a wedding ring. Harsher.

The Doctor has a difficult time explaining the killer Kringles because Donna spent all of last Christmas completely hung over, meaning she’s obviously never heard of Irn Bru and she’s the thickest woman to ever live. With Donna knowing nothing about the Christmas Invasion, the Doctor reminisces about last year with Rose, and I swear if he continues down this path I’m going to tear up again. I don’t know it it’s possible to recover from “Doomsday.” Is there a support group or something?

He turns his focus to the reason the fatal Father Christmases want Donna. A scan reveals she’s neither important, special, nor clever and I wonder why the Doctor needed his sonic screwdriver to tell him that? It’s only when she goes into detail about how she met her husband to be, (Lance, the head of HR at HC Clements, made the lowly temp a coffee, and then begged her to marry him) do both the audience and the Doctor realize that her job is what’s important, not Donna.

Ready to face the angry crowd of merry-makers at her faux-wedding, Donna insists “Martian boy” can explain.

“I’m not from Mars,” The doctor replies, exasperated. For someone that stupid, she’s found a sore point to pick on, hasn’t she?

In what has to be the worst moment of her life, Donna finds everyone at the reception. The problem is that all of them are having a good time. The groom is even dancing with the bitchy looking woman from earlier. Hello, did you miss the missing bride? Even I feel terrible for Donna because when she’s confronted by the angry crowd, she bursts into tears. No one seems to think she wasn’t at fault for what happened.

Then she winks at the Doctor. My previously developing sense of dislike turns into instant amusement. Well done Catherine Tate!

The reception continues, with the Doctor standing on the sidelines, looking extremely bored. So bored, in fact, that when he borrows some chap’s phone, I’m thinking he’s so going to surf the internet for 10/Rose smutfics.

I’m wrong, because that’s really what I wanted to happen, but instead he searches for H.C. Clements, and finds the company is owned entirely by Torchwood.

Forget the 10/Rose smutfics; if Torchwood is involved I’m thinking I’m getting me some Captain Jack slash. Not that I read that or anything.

I guess the Doctor’s not quite as excited about it as I am, because he goes back to staring at the happy couples dancing, stares at some pretty blondes and has a flashback of Rose. Considering the song playing in the background is all about someone tired of traveling and wants his “precious girl” who “stole his heart” I think it’s supposed to be the most unsubtle way ever to confirm that almost all 23905792398134 of the smutfics are true. (Except the ones that aren’t physically possible.) At least, that’s what I choose to believe.

Trying to distract himself (and me) from crying, the Doctor accosts the videographer and watches the footage of Donna’s disappearance. Donna’s vanishing act was caused by Huon particles, something that hasn’t existed for billions of years. More importantly, it’s something that can’t be hidden by a biodamper. The reception is now surrounded by sociopathic-Santas and the hall itself is filled with killer Christmas trees.

The ornaments blast around the room, exploding and the guests run in terror. I know I’m supposed to be terrified, but I can’t get back into the scene until the absolute requirement of a panic at a wedding happens – some innocent chump falling into the wedding cake. Fortunately, I don’t have to wait long. Everyone’s taken cover behind overturned tables, except the Doctor.

“Oy, Santa! If you’re going to attack someone with a sonic screwdriver, don’t let him near the sound system.” He proceeds to kill them with feedback. Somewhere, small children are having nightmares after watching all the Santas explode.

Donna demands that the Doctor behave like an MD, but he’s focused on the bigger picture. The robots are being controlled by someone and he’s got to follow the signal. As he rushes from the room, Donna turns to follow, ignoring her mother's and fiancé’s questions. Meanwhile, the Doctor’s figured out the signal is coming from the sky which means –

– Cue the evil arachnid from space that is planning to invade the earth, demanding the presence of both the Doctor and Donna.

The Doctor, with Donna and Lance in tow, is now at H.C. Clements and tries to explain to them about Torchwood. Donna completely missed the events of ”Army of Ghosts” and "Doomsday" so has no idea what the Time Lord is twittering on about. The Doctor doesn’t explain much about Torchwood either, but probably because explaining about Torchwood would automatically change the rating of this episode to “porn.” She doesn’t get the whole explanation about being dosed with Huon particles either although, neither to I.

Apparently, Huon particles only exist now in the heart of the TARDIS, and her Huon energy and the TARDIS were attracted to one another, explaining how she wound up inside. He demonstrates using a pencil and dropping it in a mug.

Using his quick-talk in an attempt to ditch the pair, the Doctor has discovered the H.C. Clements building has a whole other floor, but Donna will hear none of it. Both the Doctor and Lance, who is being dragged along as well, do not look amused. The space arachnid watches their descent, and declares the bride her “key.” Umm, to what? Thickety thickville? I don’t think you need to be given a key to that city.

The elevators exit into an empty hall, at least, empty except for the only form of transportation that is equally as geeky yet cool at the TARDIS.

Now in exploration mode, the Doctor makes a couple of discoveries. The first is that the sub-basement is hidden underneath the Thames flood barrier and the second is a laboratory growing Huon particles. The particles react to Donna and the Doctor realizes that with all the excitement of the wedding day, the particles went from inert to active. Donna’s not so thrilled with this revelation, as the Time Lords got rid of Huon because it was deadly. Well, on the upside, at least “‘til death do you part” would be fairly quick for Lance.

As soon as the Doctor promises to save her life, it gets even worse because now she’s confronted by the space arachnid, and her fiancé runs away like a frightened child. She’s having the worst day ever. Oh yeah, and there’s a big hole in the ground (to the centre of the earth) in front of her, so she definitely has nowhere to go.

The villain is the Empress of Rachnos, and the Rachnos are the type of species who would think Soylent Green is tasty, as proven by Donna’s boss, H.C. Clements, hanging lifelessly from the web above the pit.

Having had enough of the worst wedding day ever, that even the Fox Network wouldn’t air on their special “When Weddings Attack,” Donna confronts the Empress about being filled up with Huon. It’s actually just one big cover to allow Lance, who has an axe, to sneak up and chop the Empress to bits except – surprise! He’s been in league with the Empress all along! For Lance, the title “Head of Human Resources” was literal. The whole flirtation with coffee shtick was just to dose Donna with Huon for the Empress.

After his big confession about secretly loathing her, Donna pitifully responds with, “but I love you.” For this one line alone – the pathos and sheer empathy Donna elicits, someone give Catherine Tate an award or another trip on the TARDIS.

The Doctor changes the subject when the Empress wants to know his background by asking about the big hole to the centre of the Earth. I don’t know, a Jules Verne novel perhaps?

After the Empress orders her robot henchmen to kill the Doctor, Donna is pulled out of her shock, refusing to let him be killed. It’s a noble gesture (get it, Donna Noble’s noble gesture. Okay, yeah, it’s a terrible pun) but the Doctor has a better idea. He uses the Huon particles to call the TARDIS to Donna and it materializes just in time to save him from becoming Swiss cheese due to bullets. Good, after just losing Rose, I don’t think I could take a regeneration.

The Doctor’s heading back to the formation of the Earth to find out what is buried at the centre. Trying to distract a crying Donna, the Doctor gives her the opportunity to watch the creation of her own planet. She’d much rather go to bed and forget her day from hell ever happened.

He’s taken her back 4.6 billion years and she’s less than thrilled but seeing the actual creation puts her day in perspective. What the pair learn is that the Earth was created when the Racnoss hid from distruction by becoming the centre of the Earth – the stone that sucked in all the other particles. To think I've ever complained about spiders in my basement! Personally, this version of the creation of the Earth doesn’t jibe with my religious beliefs. Therefore, I adjusted the creation to reflect a more accurate representation.

Meanwhile Lance has just realized he’s royally screwed as the empress has been keeping him around as the human equivalent of the spare key hidden under the planter. He is being force-fed Huon particles. For our heroes, this is bad news as the Huon particles pull the TARDIS back to the secret base. Luckily, the Doctor still has the Tribophysical waveform macro-kinetic extrapolator which puts the TARDIS in the hallway instead of smack-dab in the Empress’ clutches.

First the Doctor doesn’t have a plan and now he doesn’t have a companion, as the Empress’ robot henchmen capture her and imprison her in the web above the pit. Lance is stuck with her and the Empress taunts them by demanding they say “I do” when she asks them if they want to be released. The Empress doesn’t release the couple, but does release the Huon particles to awaken her “children.” Turns out that Donna isn’t going to have a banquet that night; she is the banquet for the Racnoss, who’ve been waiting 4.8 billion years to be served. They're probably a little impatient. Lance becomes the first course as the Empress’ ship floats over London, causing chaos.

The Doctor, who disguises himself as a robot henchman, uses his sonic screwdriver to release Donna, except he misjudges a little and she crashes into the landing below him. You know, Spiderman would never have let that happen. When Donna thought she was going to spend her wedding night flat on her back, somehow I don’t think she was thinking a concussion would go along with it.

He gives the Empress one last chance to allow him to find a planet for the Racnoss and the Empress refuses. Obviously someone missed series one and two. We all know a good whoop-ass is coming; we just don’t know what form it will take. Just as the robots are about to shoot the Doctor, they are suddenly disabled. Donna may not have had any pockets, but the Doctor does, and he’s using them to carry the robots’ remote control.

The Empress isn’t afraid, at least, until she learns that the Doctor isn’t from Mars, but from Gallifrey.

Next, the Doctor pulls his balls out of his pockets (Christmas balls, get your mind out of the gutter) which encircle the Empress and flood the secret basement and, subsequently, the pit. Essentially, the Doctor just drowned an entire race. As the fires and floods, accompanied by loud orchestral music, occur, and Donna realizes the Doctor’s just committed genocide, I start to get an inkling that perhaps Russell T. Davies is an atheist. I don’t know why, as the symbolism is too subtle for me.

Donna tells the Doctor to stop, as the Empress screams in agony. Resorting back to his standard Modus Operandi, the Doctor chooses to leave, so he won’t have to deal with any of the aftermath. The Doctor assures Donna that the Empress is defenseless, as proven by the ability of the British Army, which shoot the ship out of the sky.

The orders to fire come from “Mr. Saxon” which, like “Bad Wolf” in series one and “Torchwood” in series 2, is our introduction this season’s subliminal arc. Don’t ask how I know this. It’s almost like I’ve seen the entire season, even though I live in Canada and it’s not completed airing yet. Don’t know how that would be possible without a TARDIS, do you? *Evil laugh.*

Standing on the flood barriers, Donna finally notices the obvious; the Doctor drained the Thames. Personally, I think it is overkill as the Doctor didn’t need the whole river – just enough to make the Rachnoss go for a swim in it. The chemicals would do the rest.

The TARDIS lands outside Donna’s parents' home, and she reflects on the crappy day she’s had – missed her wedding, lost her job and became a widow. The only good thing is that she’s now free of Huon particles, but without any form of Christmas spirit. The Doctor tries to improve it by making it snow and just to prove how simple she is, after everything she’s seen, Donna’s amused by precipitation.

The Doctor fishes for information about Donna’s next move. He becomes intrigued by her desire to travel and offers her a place on the TARDIS. Donna promptly refuses because she assumes he always lives his life in constant peril.

“Not always,” the Doctor insists. Like we believe that.

Donna proves she’s not as thick as people think by calling him on the lie. “That place was flooding and burning and they were dying you just stood there, like, I don’t know, a stranger.” I think the phrase you were looking for, Donna, is “like a lonely god.”

As Donna realizes she prefers the mundane, the Doctor realizes that Rose isn’t so easily replaced. She was never afraid of him, as Donna professes to be. Not so afraid though, as Donna invites him in for dinner. The Doctor reluctantly agrees but says he first has to go park the TARDIS, and uses the opportunity to escape Donna’s mother. If I were Donna, considering what her mother said at the wedding, she should take the hint.

Donna shouts at the TARDIS, realizing the Doctor is leaving, and the Doctor emerges. She’s figured out that she’s probably never going to see him again and asks just one thing of him, “Just promise me one thing. Find someone… ‘Cause sometimes I think you need someone to stop you.” I Millions of fangirls around the world raise their hands to volunteer.

With his usual avoidance of tough topics, the Doctor wishes her luck and tries to leave before things get serious. In her own tenacious fashion, Donna has one final question; she asks the name of the Doctor’s friend.

“Her name was Rose.”

Dammit, where’d I put that Kleenex box?