American Inventor (7/11/2007) The South Will Fall Flat On It's Face

This week American Inventor set up shop in Tampa and Houston in an attempt to get some real inventions from some real people. My hopes were high because I figured that maybe the large percentage of lunatics and wannabe reality television stars that were clogging up the stage was due to the fact that, up until now, the tryouts had been held in L.A., Chicago, San Francisco, and New York. L.A. and New York are barely considered to be part of America by many of the good ol' folks in the South.

The first contestant was a man named Charles who saved up his salary as a school bus driver to invent the perfect hat for keeping a person's head cool. It is a double decker hat with an opening in the middle for air to flow around the forehead and it looks like he was wearing ancient Greek architecture on his head. This was probably the third or fourth different hat invention that we have seen this season and it is probably the worst. Looks like Chuck will be back to picking up screaming third graders on Monday.

Another horrible idea was the "squirrel circus" that was a giant bird feeder for squirrels. Except rather than providing an aesthetically pleasing food source it was more like a booby-trapped monstrosity that tortured squirrels by making them climb, fall, jump, and just plain struggle in order to get to a food source that is contained in a way that it can never actually be eaten by the squirrels. Now, don't get me wrong, I am totally in favor of torturing squirrels but there are better ways than this. First thing is that this contraption takes up the same amount of space as a child's playground set and if you are going to invest that amount of real estate than you might as well just make something to torture children. Secondly, this doesn't really serve any purpose but to toy with the squirrel. It doesn't actually kill it and it doesn't actually feed it or provide it with any type of enjoyment. If the goal was to attract squirrels to your backyard then why not a nut bar with little squirrel truck-stop hookers? And if you want to really torture them then where are the hacksaw blades and electric charges connected to fake walnuts? Shit or get off the pot my friend.

Marcia Tucci is a 37 year old aging party girl with big fake boobs and a problem getting enough sleep. She told the judges that she hasn't had a good night sleep since she got her breast implants because they are uncomfortable to sleep on. Necessity being the mother of invention and all that, she has an idea for a mattress with two holes to rest her tits while she sleeps on her stomach. I am guessing that most of her bedtime companions prefer that she stays face down but what is the point of getting giant knockers if you are going to try and tuck them away in your mattress like some Great Depression era old maid trying to stash her life savings? Plus, she has the rock solid old school post-fab boobs that look like they are as hard as rocks. If she just slept on her back they would probably stand at perfect attention and if anything perhaps she should have invented a ceiling fan that won't clip her nipples as it oscillates from a ten foot ceiling. I may be a big boob fan but I agreed with Peter when he told her, "i can't believe you got two votes." Luckily, George and Sarah were the only ones that fell for it and we don't ever have to see Marcia again unless we want to go the Black Ball Bowling Alley on Ladies night in Houston.

Perhaps the creepiest inventor was a kid named Ben. Ben is a waiter and could pass for John Mark Carr's brother. He has the charisma of a slug and after seeing him for two seconds I had a strong desire to kick his ass. Dear reader, do not mistake me for some neanderthal that resorts to my violence to deal with the anxiety caused by people that are creepy, criminal, or just plain wrong. In fact, many of my best friends are creepy, criminal, and just plain wrong but this guy just brings out the decency in me and I get the "it's for the good of the world if I push Ben in front of a speeding bus" feeling. Ben didn't really have an invention with him, he just had an idea. Have you ever heard that eating a lot of carrots with turn you orange? Ben is going to invent a pill made of concentrated carrots so that you can turn orange just like a horrible spray tan. Intrigued? He also claims to know a botanist that can grow carrots in any color and thus he will make pills to turn you into any color. Despite the fact that he is clearly oblivious to the concepts of science or the FDA, it doesn't matter because all I really wanted was Grandpa George to come out of retirement to smack this smug little bastard.

Luckily, the bad luck streak ended (not completely because the show was only two-thirds over) and a wholesome father and son team debuted a new lawn mower. Yes, this is the fifth lawn mower invention we have seen this season but it was actually refreshing after sitting through Ben during the last segment. The father is a spry 80 year-old self-described "flirt" and his son acts like a doting wife and they get three yes votes and the feel good story for the episode has finally came and went.

The other finalist was a set of brothers that were both aged 59 but weren't twins. Yep, when mom's boobs were swollen to accommodate breast feeding after the first brother was born, old dad couldn't help himself and got busy and another "miracle of birth" and welfare bracket hike was delivered by the drunken stork. They invented a compartment for storing plastic wrap underneath a cupboard or in a drawer. It's hardly impressive but the judges advanced them to the next round just because they were scared to see what the elder brother's false teeth would look like while he cried in disappointment if they didn't.

Cue the sad music and montage of a man playing with his children. Finally....this week's sob story. The sob story this week actually had some merit however the messenger was all wrong. A man tells the tale of visiting his aunt after she lost everything in hurricane Katrina (the rain that only fell in the poor section of town). They showed some before and after pictures of this woman's house and it was pretty devastated but let's get back to the contestant, shall we? He looks like the singer for Creed and talks with all the earnestness and sincerity of a pro-wrestler (No, I am not going to make any wife and child murdering jokes so don't start getting self-righteous with me). His invention were giant Lego bricks to actually use to build houses. He claimed there was a new type of plastic that would make these bricks impenetrable by fire, flood, or termites and that they would be cheaper than lumber. It seems that since plastics are created from oil, I am not sure I buy that and I certainly don't buy it from the guy who looks like a tow truck driver stuffed into $200 jeans and a mesh shirt. F this guy. When he had two yes votes and one no vote he started to rant about "liberating the children" and "changing the world" and, unfortunately, Peter gave him the shot. Peter really lets me down because he can be so right about so many things and then he turns around and give some whack job like this a yes vote. Peter chokes and he doesn't have the balls to say no when he really needs to.

I don't know people but the South has lost again. I love the premise of this show but so far no one has delivered anything even remotely inspiring. Who is going to be? Who is going to invent the next Bacon or the next Porno? Actually, when I put it like that I guess I should keep my money on the South.