Doctor Who: Episode 302/3002: The Shakespeare Code

If music be the food of love, play on!
Enticing his would-be lover with a sweet note
Grasping this chance at love before it’s gone
Not knowing that soon it’s all that she wrote!

As the pretty young lady glances down,
The man singing of his true devotion,
He is picturing her sans her nightgown
And hoping for some house-rocking motion.

She invites him up. At last some success!
But, alas, the smitten young man is wrong.
As three witches don’t want him to undress
And death is the sad result of his song.

I know as a poet, I won’t make the bucks
Because, let’s be honest, this sonnet sucks!

The credits roll and the main story starts.
From the TARDIS our heroes will depart.
Once Martha adjusts to trav’lling in time
And now that she’s in 1599.

Due to her race she fears this time a bit
(She should be concerned. She just stepp’d in shit.)
Similarities it time do greet her
So the pair head off to the Globe Theatre.

Originally, I was intending to write this entire recap in iambic pentameter but fortunately I remembered a few things.

1) Shakespeare didn’t use it as often as the mass media tells us he did. He liked rhyming couplets, sonnets, process, etc., and it would be a shame to leave them all out, wouldn’t it?

2) Shakespeare usually used prose to write about the less than classy – like the dirty bits, drunkenness and (as it was believed at the time) insanity. How dull would a recap be without at least two out of the three? What fun could I have? Plus, I think it’s clear that I’m already certifiable.

3) The Doctor describes the globe as a tetradecagon. Tetradecagon is already five of the ten syllables in any given line. Plus, I don’t want to find a rhyme for it.

4) I’m lazy.

5) Doesn’t mean I won’t give it a serious try. If I get a foot wrong, please don’t send any wanky comments.

Love’s Labours Lost, is the play they view.
Martha’s shout “author” cause much ado.
As Shakespeare promises Love’s Labours Won,
I realize he’s hot and not bald and wan.

The Doctor’s hopes for brilliance soon go south,
When the bard greets with, “shut your big fat mouths!”
“You should ne’er meet your heroes,” Martha states
Well now smarty Jones this news is too late!

Unbeknownst to all, a witch is there,
Playing with a spell and a lock of doll’s hair,
Causing the bard to make an odd promise,
And the Doctor knows something is amiss.

Love’s Labour’s Won really once existed.
(And on Wiki I found it here listed.)
Martha wonders if hist’ry misplaced it
Next, pulls an Adam and wants to film it.

At this bad idea the Doctor does frown,
He’s curious and wants to stick around.
He discusses with his new companion.
The 16th cent’ry they can’t abandon.

Shakespeare is sitting around with a couple of pals drinking ale and letting the bar wench hit on him. You know what that means? Drunkenness plus bawdiness equals a break from iambic pentameter and rhyming couplets! What? It’s exciting for me!

His pals are giving him a hard time (not like that) because Love’s Labour’s Won was supposed to be next week. Really? It would look odd in the middle of “Gridlock,” wouldn’t it? Oh wait, I forgot that whole time is fluid thing. Not that I would know what's happening next week.

Will himself isn’t sure why he promised it for the next night. He doesn’t know he’s the victim of both the witch’s curse (and the witch is acting as a second bar wench to guarantee he follows through – also not like that) and the gods of the convenient plotline.

Speaking of gods, the lonely one appears with a few questions of his own. Less than thrilled, Will thinks it’s a rabid fan wanting his autograph, or a sketch, or asking where he gets his ideas. Something tells me this is the meta-moment for all Doctor Who staff who live and work in Cardiff.

In a harkening back to “Tooth and Claw,” after the Bard hits on Martha, Martha tries to speak Shakespearian. I say that as if it’s an actual language. Just like when Rose tried her hand at Scots, the Doctor shuts Martha down. In the second “Tooth and Claw” reference, the Doctor introduces himself as “Sir Doctor of TARDIS.”

Will Shakespeare, who the Doctor declared a genius proves it by not being susceptible to the slightly psychic paper. Martha, who doesn’t understand the whole slightly-psychic paper concept, frustrates the Doctor. It’s really not fair to Martha as it’s not her fault she doesn’t immediately understand all the facets of traveling with the Doctor. Let me explain: the paper let’s you see what you want to see. I’ve demonstrated below.

I’m afraid that it’s getting serious enough that I’m going to have to move back into iambic pentameter, but Shakespeare, bless him, takes a seriously wrong turn into politically incorrect land by hitting on Martha using terms such as “Ethiope” and “Queen of Afric.” I’m not going any where near that one. The Doctor introduces Martha as a citizen of Freedonia . Any scene that references a Marx Brothers’ movie definitely isn’t serious enough for poetry.

We take a sudden turn into Henry VIII, because the censor barges in demanding a script of Love’s Labours Won, which Shakespeare doesn’t have. Acting exactly like Henry VIII, when he doesn’t get what he wants, he storms out, declaring that he’s going to pick up his ball and go home declaring that the new play will never be performed.

The witch doesn’t take too kindly to that, and purposefully bumps into the censor, stealing a lock of his hair. This man is definitely Henry VIII reincarnated because one look at the pretty witch and he promises to be back later (exactly like that).

The other witches advise from the lair,
As the young one steals a lock of his hair
They don’t like the censor’s idea.
Nor the censor’s wink and promise, “see ya!”

Chants, and the drowning of a voodoo doll,
Cause the censor to choke and then to fall.
Meanwhile Martha’s feeling disappointed
(This recap’s getting a bit disjointed.)

Her disappointment is shortly relieved
Even two doctors couldn’t save Linley.
The censor died, to everyone’s horror
Wanting intrigue? Be careful what you wish for!

The censor, it seems, he drowned on dry land.
(Or a blow t’th’ heart, on the other hand).
The Doctor believes that it was witchcraft
But Martha’s thinking the Time Lord’s gone daft.

The three witches brew a special potion
Because they have a curious notion
That in just one night, Shakespeare can be done,
Penning the important Love’s Labour’s Won.

Back in Shakespeare’s room, he questions the pair
‘Bout Martha’s career, the Doctor’s despair
Why they’re in the Elizabethan age?
The Doctor replies “all the world’s a stage.”

The Doctor won’t answer, he makes it clear,
Exiting with “Nighty-night, Shakespeare.”
Leaving the bard with a play to complete
‘Cause in this war of words, he has been beat.

Martha bemoans about their room, alack
She’s worried about developing plaque
From the Doctor’s pocket comes a toothbrush.
(Not really what she wanted from her crush.)

Martha doubts there is a magic plotter
She thinks it’s all a bit “Harry Potter”
“Wait ‘til you read book seven; oh, I cried!”
(Deathly Hallows spoilers he can provide?!)

The Doctor’s unsure ‘bout what’s going on.
Martha can’t help, a novice companion.
So the Doctor lies there wishing for Rose
And I want an excuse to type in prose.

In their cozy room there is only one bed.
Martha is feeling she’s been misled.
She thought she was getting some Time Lord ass
But the Doctor rolls over, taking a pass.

The youngest witch sneaks into Shakespeare’s room
I should say she flies in without a broom.
With spells she becomes his puppet master
To help him complete the play much faster.

The inn’s matron walks in on the action
So the young witch attacks in reaction.
The screams give the Doctor a distraction
From Martha’s angry dissatisfaction.

Rushing into the bard’s room, late that night
The Doctor says the matron died of fright
Meanwhile, out of the window Martha gapes
And the pair watch as the young witch escapes.

The next morning, the trio sits around
Wondering if there are clues to be found.
Linley and Dolly, to Shakespeare connect.
The Doctor thinks it’s Globe’s architect.

Now in the theatre, the Doctor decides
The tetradecagon must coincide
With the plan; it must be some kind of sign,
Much like a sonnet with its 14 lines?

Shakespeare dismisses the Globe’s importance.
But the Doctor thinks this is not by chance.
So Martha and Will will just stand agog
As it’s time for the Doctor’s monologue!

“Oh yeah, but the theatre’s magic, isn’t it?
You should know. Stand o’th’ stage, say the right words
With the right emphasis at the right time,
Oh, you can make me weep or cry with joy!

Change them. You can change people’s minds just with words in this place.”

Yes, the last line is 14 syllables,
But really, who am I now to quibble?
But 14’s this episodes key number
And the line’s vital, so does not deter.

Martha compares the Globe to the TARDIS
Impressing the Doctor with great success.
Now they are off to a less happy place,
Bedlam, where the mad are sent in disgrace.

Leaving the Globe, Shakespeare gives the last scene,
To two passing actors and Will is keen,
To tell one young actor, all thin and lean,
To act tonight like he would for the Queen.

Bill says, on the way to the hospital
Martha’s a “royal beauty” (Booty call!)
Doctor tells Bill to flirt with her later
But Bill hopes he can flirt with the Doctor.

Back at the theatre, an actor bemoans,
Sequels suck, (he’s seen Attack of the Clones).
The other thinks the last scene makes no sense
He sounds like a whiny high school student.

The actors give the lines a rehearsal,
But a spirit gives them a reversal
Though the witches are not the least bit glum
It’s “Merely rehearsal of what’s to come.”

Yay! It’s the culmination of all things insane and a porter discussing going to get laid. That’s two of the three causes to allow me to write in prose! Woot! (Hopefully, he has better luck than the porter in Macbeth!)

Martha almost ruins my break for me by whining about the status of health care. You know, the Doctor was right at the beginning. The differences between the 16th century and today really aren’t that large. Shakespeare confesses that once, he went mad, but fear of being put in Bedlam set it right. Somehow, I don’t think that’s considered a viable treatment for depression.

Thank God Martha takes the seriousness out of the scene when the Doctor mentions that Shakespeare lost his only son. Yes, everyone’s sad about the death of his son, but then Shakespeare quotes his “to be or not to be,” and calls it pretentious. 57 academics may have punched the air when he flirted with the doctor but the majority of Shakespeare scholars chuckle in agreement with this statement.

Upon finding the architect, Peter Streete, the Doctor dismisses the porter as he’s there to talk to the patient, not watch him be whipped.

And now we’re back into serious land,
As all of the answers are close at hand.
Streete’s attention the Doctor gained and held
With some layman’s form of Vulcan mind-meld.

The torture Streete’s suffered, his mind assailed
The Doctor tells him is A Winter’s Tale.
This makes me wonder, if the writer dares
For Street to exit, pursued by a bear?

Peter tells his story, in third person.
Witches controlled him, the story worsens.
Peter’s mind was taken; it was too weak,
By witches living on All Hallow’s Street.

Meanwhile the witches of All Hallow’s Street
Were watching the Doctor with crazy Pete.
Doomfinger arrives, and alas, no bear,
As she kills Pete, to the Doctor’s despair.

Doomfinger turns to the rest in the room
Confirming the reason her name is doom.
She’ll kill them by curses she will recite
But the Doctor thwarts the Carrionite.

He uses the oldest trick in the game
Defeating her with the clout of a name.
Really, the Carrionites are akin
To the Grimm fairy tale, Rumpelstiltskin.

Carrionites use different science
Where the shapes and words work in alliance.
Humans do not pick the science of words
We use mathematics. Humans, we’re such turds!

To the Doctor, the witches declare war.
Lilith will kill him to even the score.
The Doctor will now have to face his death,
Before the trio can e’en catch their breath.

The Doctor knows their, a new empire
Where they rule the world and people expire.
The Doctor realizes Love’s Labours Won
Is used by the witches as a weapon.

Tonight at the globe, the witches find mirth,
As they’re using words to take over Earth.
“The play’s the thing” the Doctor then suggests
Oh the bad pun! It’s killing me! *headdesk*

As the bard’s play Love’s Labour’s Won, begins
To the Doctor, Martha’s and Will’s chagrin,
The trio must now stop the three witches.
And just once, I will call them bitches.

Will’s to the Globe Theatre to stop the play
The Doctor plans to send Lilith away.
It will be later when all three will meet
The Doctor is off to All Hallow’s street.

Shakespeare yells stop, rushing into the fray
The witches silence him without delay.
On stage: “You must forgive our irksome Will”
“He has been on the beer and feeling ill.”

On All Hallows Street the Doctor explains
About time, nearly frying Martha’s brain.
He says, that she should give it a good try
Envisioning time like old Marty McFly.

Martha tries to take on the waiting witch
But the whole naming plan hits a big hitch.
Only once does that work, poor Martha Jones,
Lilith names Martha so she just got pwned

The witch turns to the Doctor naming Rose,
It is a big mistake. His temper blows.
The anger shoots out of him like lightning
That is a name that will keep him fighting.

Carrionites were banished long ago
How were they freed the Doctor wants to know
“Words, new, glitt’ring, from a mind like no other”
Will’s son’s death caused a grief without measure.

The Carrionites used the bard’s madness
To find this world and to gain their access.
Will made so many new words, did you know?
Like "eyeball," "exposure" and "to elbow."

Stealing a lock of the good Doctor’s hair
Lilith goes out the window, floating o’ air.
Using his hair as the last missing part,
Ties it to a doll, and stabs him in the heart.

Martha awakens and sees the Doctor
And must act like a defibrillator
The Doctor faked it, for Lilith’s cheating
But now he has only one heart beating.

At the Globe, the witches believe he’s dead
And to the future they all look ahead.
As they are nearing the end of the play
And our heroes are running the wrong way.

“Now begins the millennium of blood!”
Through the portal Carrionites soon flood
As the Doctor and Martha now enter
They rush into the theatre, stage centre.

With Will by their side, they stand looking up,
(Effects remind me of Quidditch world Cup)
The Doctor cannot save the Earth this day
For it is Shakespeare who must have his say.

Shakespeare must save the Earth with his rhyming
But now he can’t think, oh hell, what timing!
“That’s what you do Will, you choose perfect Words”
The Doctor assures they’re greater than swords.

The witches anger as they hear Will speak
He’s beyond them now; they can only shriek.
What’s the most important word? Can you guess?
Said by Martha “Expelliaramus!”

Everywhere scholars shake their heads in fear
That J.K. Rowling is what saved Shakespeare.
The Carrionites, with Love’s Labours Won
Disappear in the darkness, all but gone.

The audience cheers, and loudly applauds
Unaware, they were just saved by the bard.
Making sure that the Bard’s words got them all
Doctor finds them trapped in their crystal ball.

The next morning, Shakespeare and Martha flirt
And the scholars debate if Will wants skirt.
He tells her that the Doctor won’t want to kiss
But she is all “oy, mate, halitosis!”

The Doctor was playing with props in back
And find a skull just like the Sycorax
As for the hopes of the lost Love’s Labours Won
Absolutely every copy is gone.

For Will, he’s lost interest, that play is done
Now he wants to write ‘bout Fathers and sons.
It will be in mem’ry of his Hamnet
Martha’s face is funny, as she gets it.

Proving again, Will’s genius is sublime,
He knows of the Doctor’s travels in time.
He gives Martha one gift, as she’s away.
“Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?”

The sonnet’s disturbed by a surprise guest
Majesty herself, Queen Elizabeth.
One last twist before this episode’s done
Bess, knows the Doctor, so it’s time to run.

The Queen orders off with the Doctor’s head.
Martha’s hightailing it, before she’s dead.
Into the TARDIS, the escape’s narrow
And the Queen’s guards shot it with an arrow.