Rock of Love - "Don't Threaten Me with a Good Time"

Seems like I've been waiting forever for this. I have a full bottle of Purel, so I'm ready to go. Will Poison frontman Bret Michaels find someone he loves more than rock and roll? Hmmmm.... Probably not with this bunch. He's looking for someone who can be the ideal hybrid of friend and sex toy. That's the "rock of love".

So anywhoo...Bret shows off his ranch, motocross track, and recording studio. He has 2 daughters named Rain and Georgia (conveniently named in case they want to be strippers) His head of security Big John (as opposed to Big Rick from FOL) rents him a mansion in the Hollywood Hills and equips it with lots of booze, condoms and Valtrex. Bret feels in his heart, his soul and his loins that he's going to find "the one". Enough already, Bret - we get it.

Let's get to the ladies. Before Bret shows up the ladies have already begun trash talking and boasting of their skank-a-licious skills. The line-up sounds (and looks) like the Saturday night line-up at Scores - lots of stripper names and 2 (count 'em) gals named Brandi. There's no cutesy nicknames this time around (guess the producers couldn't find 20 synonyms for "Skank") So...without further ado, let's meet the lovely ladies of "Rock of Love" (thanks to the VH-1 website for these "fun facts":)

Bonnie, a brunette from Florida/New Jersey, whose favorite garment is her Lynyrd Skynyrd panties. Brandi C. from Orlando is a blonde who was a former Marilyn Monroe impersonator at Universal (and I was - swear to God - Marilyn Munster. Is an appearance on a reality show next for me?) Brandi M. from Buffalo, can fit her whole fist in her mouth. Cindy, aka Rodeo, (who I predict is going to be a trainwreck by the end of the season) collects swords and often wears her (trademark) cowboy hat to bed. Dallas is a Marilyn Manson-worshipping lady from Houston. Go figure. Erin from Bloomington, Illinois, is a former Miss Hooters and graduated from college in 3.5 years - with honors. What the hell is she doing here? Faith is from West Virginia has a degree in chemistry from Ohio State. Again...wtf? Heather from Ohio was a dancer at Scores Las Vegas (finally, an admission!) Jes, a cosmotologist notable for her standout pink coiffure, has 4 tats and 9 piercings. Shocker! Jessica, from Elk Grove, Illinois, is currently a Hooters waitress and was a stripper for a month (there's number 2!) Kelly's from Chicago and claims that Bret Michaels is one of her favorite lead singers. No duh! Kimberly from New Jersey owns 6 businesses and is not a morning person. Krista from Utah was married once for 10 months and could not survive if she couldn't shop. Kristia (yep, don't adjust your spell check) is currently a Go Go Dancer (VH-1 emphasized "not exotic" - thanks for clearing that up) and once beat up a boyfriend who cheated on her. Scarlet tressed Lacey is lead singer and writer for a rock band. Lauren from Indiana is a klutz. 6'3 tall Magdalena is intimidated by geeks (I'm intimidated by her manly voice!) Former small-town girl Meredith from Oregon is a fitness and spa director. Ho hum. Mia from Naperville, Illnois is double jointed and can drive a tractor. Pam from Pennsylvania graduated from Temple University with a degree in advertising and communication and loves bad boys. Raven from New Orleans has never had a boyfriend and claims to act rationally in the face of conflict (forshadowing, perhaps?) Samantha from New York has a Master's degree and too many tattoos to count. Yikes. Tamara, a California gal, is a sore loser. Tawny from California is a waitress-slash-model (aren't they all?) Tiffany from Chicago's special talent is that she can bounce her boobs. Wow. Just wow.

Lovely Raven confesses her favorite Poison song is "Every Thorn Has Its Rose" (I guess she liked it better than "Dirty Talk to Me" or "Bop Unskinny.") Bret wheels up on his chopper and is met with an enthusiastic and jiggly reception. Bret was fired up to see the ladies as well. Bret introduces Big John to the ladies and then retires to the shower, letting John "do what he does" (Bret is unsure of exactly what this is however.) Big John lays down the law - don't go in Bret's room uninvited, don't touch the guitars and don't puke in the jacuzzi (I'm sure these will all be broken by, oh, episode 2.) He then calls out some of the gals - Meredith, Tiffany, Kim, Kelly and Pam - who he promptly sent home. Tiffany isn't going home without a fight. The other ladies invade the house and pretty much immediately hit the bar. Lacey hit the skins (the drums - get your mind out of the gutter!) Blondes Kristia and Brandi C. bond because they feel that together they can be like smart Barbies. Sure they can. Tiffany makes good on her promise and returns to the house, pounding on the door.

Big John finally answers and Tiffany begs to stay. She had a hat made (wha?) There's not enough beds (so no FOL catfights for beds this time around. Darn.) and she volunteers to sleep on the floor. The hat argument must have won him over, because she's back. The other ladies were a little upset that she returned. Talk in the house then bounced to the subject of boobs. There's only 2 gals in the house with natural boobs. More boob talk, complements, comparison and groping.

Big John lines up the girls so they can finally talk to Bret one-on-one. Rodeo took the top spot (and that laugh will grate on my nerves all sesson). The gals are going to get their pictures taken for their VIP backstage passes (replacing Flav's clocks). As the girls meet Bret, they give him big, sloppy kisses. Ewww. I wonder if he swabs in between each one with those sanitary wipes like the ones they use on those CPR dummies. They should be a huge sponsor of this show. Bret says he loves photography and the shoot allows him to see the gals' personalities through the lens. Sure. All of the gals were turning him on - lots of emotions were pouring through his member. Umm, TMI Bret. Bret narrateed the porccedings with lots of "Aw damn", "Aw geez" and "That's so hot"s - he's ready to explode. One poor girl, Lauren, looked more like a deer in the headlights than sexy. Jessica got the bad, closed-eye driver's license pic. Heather decided to bring the sexy and flashed her implants for the camera. The other gals felt she had no shame. Ummm. Pot, meet kettle.

It's time for the mixer, so Bret could actually (attempt) to communicate with the ladies. They all want a piece of him, now - especially blonde Brandi, who wanted a pool lesson. Take it easy, pushy! Bret is new to the dating biz, as his past experiences involved "Rock and roll bus sex or committed relationships." He wants that special someone. Awww. The communication proved to be a lot of work for ol' Bret. Tamara is beautiful, but ther's absolutely nothing between those ears. Let's just hope she's drunk. Bret doesn't care - she's got a nice rack. Tiffany plays catch-up to get as lubricated as the other house mates, and catch-up she did - with a vengance. Yay, first trainwreck! Bret really like tattooed Sam. He totally dug her. Heather and Bret's daughter share a birthday. Oooh, bonding! Sam feels very intimidated by her. It's time for a little pole dancing lesson. Tiffany decides to give it a try and embarrases herself - complete with great sound effects.

Could Brandi M. aka "Wild Thing" be the one? Bret wants to have "nasty rock n' roll sex" with her. (What happened to that "someone special"?) Jessica is dumb. Really dumb. Bret felt a distant vibe from the lady. What a dinghy. Blonde Brandi and Kristia are desperately in search of Bret. Raven conetends there's more to her than meets the eye, but is a little too forecful for Bret. She's also quite the gabby one. She so doesn't belong here. Bret talks to Rodeo, who's a personal trainer. He wants a workout (sure he does.) He felt they had an instant connection and solid bond. she was paralyzed inb a diving accident and has survived cancer, Bret's a diabetic. It's a match made in heaven, and Rodeo's in luuurve already.

Meanwhile, back at the bar, Tiffany continued to self lubricate and make a complete ass of herself, babbling incoherently. She was getting in Dallas (from Houston's) face, which probably isn't a good idea. Non-blonde Brandi was also through with Tiff's shenanigans. Big John tried to keep the peace and called Tiff out. Bret met Jes (of the pink hair - her hair cut is quite CC-ish, actually). She's smart and witty (and shouldn't be there either). She is now my favorite. Blonde Brandi is back with her annoying voice. Bret's getting pulled every which way by these various skank factions. He finally has some alone time with Blonde Brandi and Kristia...oh, and Tiffany of course, giving him a reverse lap dance beat his pee-pee to a pulp. Bret, haven't we gone over the TMI thing? Blonde Brandi is getting frustrated. Goooood....Kristia tries to be the voice of reason (so she's the smarter of the 2 Barbies - which isn't really saying much.)

Tiff's back for some more s**t stirring. No one wants her to play their reindeer games. Bret is a bit overwhelmed. Lacey feels they're 100% compatible, because they're both touring musicians. How many times is he ging to say "kick ass"? Bret notices that some if the gals are a little bit shy (Lauren's number seems to be just about up.) Tiffany - not so shy. The subtitle guy even gave up on her. OMG, she has offspring. And now she's crying. Why Big John hasn't bounced her incoherent tush out is beyond me. Oh yeah, crazy=ratings. Blonde Brandi crammed herself into a too-small bikini which finally worked to get Bret's attention. He feels they have a spiritual conncetion. Sure they do. She volunteered to be the main wife if Bret wanted more than one. Yeah, Hef Michaels.

Elimnination is looming. The ladies are nervous. Sam doesn't drink or party, so she's especially worried. Gee, Bret looks pretty - I think he has more eyeliner on than some of the ladies. So, who's getting their backstage passes? First is Rodeo. As Bret gives the ladies their passes, he utters his catchphrase "Would you rock my world?" (Ick. I just threw up in my mouth a little.) "Hot breasts Heather" is next. Jes and Sam also stay to hopefully rock Bret's world. Possible man Magdalena is next. Brandi M., Faith and Tamara (the wonder ditz) Mia, Erin, Dallas, Tawny, Lacey, and Kristia also hang on. One pass remains and it's time for a commercial.

Ok, back to the show. Brandi C. gets the last pass (even though Bret said she annoyed the s**t out of him. Me too, Bret.) Then, in a shocking move, Bret (with, what I'm sure was some less-than-gentle goading from the VH-1 producers) allows Tiffany to stay. Bret somehow sees a good person through the alcoholic fog - and, she's entertaining. True that. Motocross accidents, pole dancing, catfights, gratutious puking...well, it's going to be an interesting season, that's for sure.