Doctor Who: Episode 303/3003: Gridlock

Hello, I’m pulling myself out of my preventative Harry Potter spoiling isolation to bring you this week’s Doctor Who episode, “Gridlock.” I will try to keep my mind off of the impending end of the Potter heptalogy and concentrate on Barty Crouch Junior the Doctor.

What an ominous beginning. I’m having déjà vu as the traffic report sounds like every other traffic report I hear on my daily commute. What totally cinches it for me? The perky sounding morning show host is talking about carjackings and pileups the way one usually talks about Cute Overload. We get a shot of the actual road conditions, with cars bumper to bumper and piled on top of each other. For those of us in the greater Toronto Area, we know it as the Don Valley Parking Lot Parkway, in rush hour.

In a car, the pair from American Gothic are being terrorized by something trying to get in. The woman’s all upset because the man lied about having three people in the car. I mean, I’ve heard of aggressive road watch blitzes, but this one takes the cake. They try calling the police, but are put on hold.

As the news reporter signs off in her gratingly cheerful voice, the car, and the parody of the famous work of art, are destroyed.

Opening Credits: I’m finally past cringing at the lack of Billie Piper’s name, but there’s still some resistance. I think the Doctor and I are still suffering from Rose withdrawal. That must be why we treat Martha like crap for a good ---

Sorry, about to go into spoiler-how-do-I-know-that land. I’ll stop now.

On the TARDIS, the Doctor is trying to prolong Martha’s trip by suggesting a trip to the future but Martha has other ideas. She’d much rather go to the Doctor’s home planet and the Doctor doesn’t really do much to dissuade her, with his descriptions of the burnt orange sky, citadel and red grass. Although, he doesn’t really have to dissuade her because he’s driving.

“I don’t want to go home,” He tells her, trying to convince her that the year 5 billion and 53 is much better. Really, she has to have the observational skills of blind roadkill not to notice the Time Lord is lying.

They’re in the city of New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New York, on a rainy afternoon.

Somewhere else in the city, Novice Hame, last seen in New Earth is seeking guidance from the Face of Boe. Woot! It’s an episode full of big face. <Vague Spoiler Alert!> I’m even more excited knowing what I know now. </Vague Spoiler Alert!> He sends her off to find the Doctor but she’s carrying a weapon. I would like to argue that weapons and religion shouldn’t go hand in hand, but somehow, I think Russell T. Davies and myself have the same opinion on this matter. While they shouldn’t go together, they often do.

Martha’s less than pleased to have been brought to the slums. She’s even more displeased when she realizes that not only did the Doctor take her to the same place he took Rose, but also she’s realized she’s the rebound. It took her this long to figure it out?

They’re distracted by vendors selling moods. (As Martha points out, moods and drugs are remarkably similar.) A pitiful looking young woman comes along, wanting to buy forget, because her parents went on the motorway. The Doctor’s confused because her parents might come back. “Everyone goes to the motorway in the end,” she tells him, in the same tone of voice Doctor’s usually tell people they’ve lost a patient. She takes her forget and walks off, leaving Martha and the Doctor in a state of confusion, and they didn’t even buy this mood.

Without warning, a couple holding guns, apologize and take Martha hostage. Well, at least they’re well-mannered kidnappers. As Martha’s given sleep 14 and bundled into the year 5 billion’s version of a jalopy, the Doctor is experiencing yet another mood he didn’t pay for, the “guilt and terror at losing a second companion in four episodes.” It’s a very complicated mood and one I’m certainly not in the mood to pay for either.

In the jalopy, which is actually car 465 diamond 6, the couple is thrilled at having Martha as a passenger, not only because they think she’s rich, cut also having three passengers allows them access to the fast lane. Somehow, when Al Gore suggested various ways of saving the planet, I don’t think abduction car-pooling was what he had in mind.

Back in Diagon Mood Alley, the Doctor demands the mood sellers tell him where the couple took Martha. Again the ominous “They all go to the motorway in the end” is repeated. The Doctor is told what we’ve already figured out, the couple are carjackers, except I think the correct term should be “people-jackers.” After one of the mood-sellers offers him some “Happy-Happy” the Doctor has his hero moment assuring everyone that he’ll find Martha alive and well, and then shut down Mood Alley. We can tell that the Doctor is serious because whenever he truly means something HE YELLS IT AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS LIKE HARRY POTTER IN THE FIFTH BOOK.

Martha awakens in the jalopy, and turns the tables on her kidnappers, by grabbing the gun and demanding to be taken back to the Doctor. The plan, not the gun, backfires as the weapon is a fake. First, she’s the rebound. Next, she’s taken to the slums. Now she’s stuck with a pregnant woman high on honesty and her equally clueless boyfriend for the six years it will take to go the ten miles out to Brooklyn.

What I really want to know is, if it’s only ten miles, why isn’t anyone walking? And I thought I was lazy.

The Doctor’s found access to the motorway, which: a cacophony of honking horns? Check! A plethora of paused automobiles? Check! Enough smog to make even the Smoggies happy? Check! Most definitely my first impression was correct. It is the Don Valley Parking Lot Parkway!

The Doctor is saved from regenerating by Thomas Kincade Brannigan, a cat and the second artistic allusion in this episode. I often wonder if Russell T. Davies does this sort of thing just to see if people are paying attention.

At this point, we get a time paradox. It’s answering a question we won’t have until later in the season. It’s sort of a Johnny Carson not opening the envelope trick, just in episodic television. Brannigan tells the urban legend of a woman who once stood in the exhaust for 20 minutes, causing her head to grow to fifty feet. In other words, she became a big head. I promise to tell you what question this story answers later in the season.

Brannigan introduces the Doctor to his wife, Valerie and their litter of kittens.

The kittens are two months old, and children of the motorway. As for Valerie and Brannigan, they’ve been traveling for 12 years and only traveled five miles. As for the Doctor getting back to the TARDIS to rescue Martha, that’ll take another six months. Again, the walking option never occurred to them?

Back in the jalopy, Martha’s explained the lifestyle of the motorway – muscle stimulants and self-replicating food. Ew on so many levels.

Her luck finally seems to be changing as the car is granted access to the fast lane. Or maybe not.

The Doctor’s placed on hold with the police, while Valerie and Brannigan explain how socialization works on the motorway. One can have contact with other cars, as long as they’re on your friends list. Basically, socialization works the same way as Facebook.

Fortunately, two of the people on the Brannigans’ a little old lesbian couple who are so adorable I want them both to be my grandmothers, spotted the jalopy and give the Doctor the car number.

Speaking of the Jalopy, while heading down to the fast lane, all sorts of creepy noises are heard, which they all hope are just due to the exhaust fans but there’s an urban legend that there’s something hiding in the smoke. That something is large, hungry and causes cars to disappear. As this is Doctor Who, I’m guessing the second. Anyone want to take odds on that bet?

Martha doesn’t want to wager as she points out, with all the exhaust, the air vents probably aren’t working.

In the Brannigan-mobile, the parents refuse to risk the lives of their litter on the trip down to the fast lane, despite the Doctor’s pleas. At this point, the Doctor comes to the realization that the trip on the motorway is never-ending and I come to the realization that writers like to invent their own versions of Hell. For C.S. Lewis, Hell was a bureaucracy. For Russell T. Davies, Hell is a continuous traffic jam.

Just as the Doctor convinces the Brannigans they may be alone on the motorway, Sally Calypso comes on the television with the “Daily contemplation.” It’s an old hymn and everyone on the motorway cries while they hear it, feeling they aren’t alone. I think it’s supposed to be meaningful and bonding, but really, it just makes the people on the motorway look like gullible fools. Somehow, I think that’s the point.

Since the Brannigans won’t take him, the Doctor decides to jump from car to car but not before leaving his coat with the couple. In a moment sure to appear in some trivia program somewhere, we learn that Janis Joplin gave him his trench coat.

Before jumping, Brannigan asks how much Martha means to the Doctor, and in this week’s meta-moment meant to squelch all 10/Martha smut!fics, the Doctor replies “I barely know her. I was too busy showing off.” It’s a phrase which here means, “I’m an asshole, a practically omnipotent asshole, but an asshole nonetheless.” He also feels guilty for lying to her about Gallifrey.

“He’s completely insane!” Valerie exclaims as the Doctor jumps to the car below.

“That and a bit magnificent!” Brannigan replies. Yup, he is that, isn’t he?

The Doctor leaps first into a car manned by an albino with OCD. Yes, I just said that and the political correctness police are more than welcome to arrest me, if they can find me. The second car features Gwen Stefani’s lost back-up dancers.

The third car features nudists and the fourth, an older version of mini-me. My god, New Earth is certainly full of a bunch of circus freaks. (Still waiting for the political correctness police.)

The jalopy has discovered that there is no exit from the fast lane and the noises below them definitely aren’t air vents. Except, while Martha has accepted that fact, the couple only believe it when they’re told by another trapped vehicle. As they’re talking to the other car on the radio, whatever is out there eats the plot devices other passengers.

The Doctor finally winds up in the bottom layer of cars, with a poor man’s Brandon Flowers, trying to figure out how to get to Martha on the fast lane and what’s living in all the smog. After clearing some of the exhaust, The Doctor discovers what’s hiding in the fumes, Macra.

As Novice Hame broke into the Brannigan vehicle searching for the Doctor, Martha and her bumbling drivers take the Jurassic Park route of hiding in plain site. By shutting off all the systems, Martha’s hoping that the lack of movement will keep them hidden, since that sort of idea works in the movies. Her problem is that she doesn’t remember what happens next. Yeah, well I do, and I believe it involves getting eaten off the toilet by a massive T-Rex. Not exactly the best example to follow. Unfortunately, they’ve only got eight minutes of air in the car.

For those of you wondering what Macra are, here’s the answer. In the case of this episode, the species name is more "Red Herring."

Before you all think the worst about Novice Hame, she’s only brought the gun to protect herself from pirates. Plus, the Doctor is happy to see her. Unless, of course, he associates anything to do with Rose as a happy memory, even if it is human-farming cat nuns. Before he can get Brandon Flowers’ car down to the fast lane, Novice Hame transports herself and the Doctor, up to the Senate of New New York.

We’re filled in on the story of the dead New New York. A new mood, Bliss, was tried by everyone and it killed them. Before everyone died, the planet got put into a 100-year quarantine and the only people left alive are the ones on the motorway and in the lower levels. In other words, our very subtle moral of this episode is “Just say no to drugs!” Nancy Reagan would be proud.

Only Novice Hame and the Face of Boe are left running the under city. The Face of Boe wired himself into the city’s mainframe and is giving his life force to keep it running. As for Novice Hame, she stuck around either because of an extreme sense of guilt, or an extreme sense of loyalty to the new god she found in Boe. Either one of those reasons is an excellent reason to start a new religion.

Speaking of finding new gods, Martha’s completely and royally screwed, but she’s got faith in the Doctor to save her. While her faith is definitely unearned, she does nicely sum up their relationship. “Sometimes I think he likes me but sometimes I just think he needs someone with him.”

The couple isn’t so sure, as they fly off, trying to avoid being Macro-lunch.

While Martha and her drivers are doing some mean flying in the jalopy, the Doctor has rewired the computer to open the motorway to the upper levels. Except, he has a serious Han Solo moment, when he throws the switch and nothing works.

Every once in a while, it’s nice to see the Doctor taken down a peg. It’s the Face of Boe that saves the day, giving the last of his life force, to provide the power to free those trapped on the motorway.

The Brannigans, the albino, the adorable senior lesbians and Brandon Flowers watch in amazement as the skies open above them. I'm still amazed at the lack of political correctness police. The Doctor takes the newsreader’s place and demands everyone flies up. Martha doesn’t need the car though; she’s so excited that she could fly up on her own power. Okay, now Martha can have faith in the Doctor.

While the Doctor is rejoicing in his victory, the case for the Face of Boe cracks. Martha arrives at the senate, at first mistaking a skinny skeleton as the Doctor to witness the last moments of the Face of Boe. While both Novice Hame and the Face of Boe have accepted this fate, the Doctor has not. The Doctor demands that they both have to survive as they are the last of their respective kinds.

Despite the Doctor’s determination that this is not the end, the Face of Boe reveals his last dying secret. “Know this, Time Lord: you are not alone.”

With that, the Face of Boe dies, leaving both Novice Hame and I distraught (as this is so much sadder, knowing what I know now) and the Doctor confounded, wearing his best WTF face.

Back at the TARDIS, with New New York being run by Novice Hame, the Doctor is now, “Happy, happy.” Martha, on the other hand, isn’t. She wants some answers. First of all, she wants to know what the Face of Boe meant about the Doctor not being alone. She theorizes that it might mean her.

Next, she uses the winner for most convenient prop in this episode, an overturned chair to make her last stand, or sit, should I say. She’s not going anywhere until the Doctor explains a few things to her.

The city around her start singing, and the Doctor finally decides to give her the answers she seeks. While there’s a painfully obvious subtle anti-religious element to this entire series episode, the Doctor does believe one thing: confession is good for the soul. That, and the Face of Boe was wrong.

As we fade into the end, the Doctor gives Martha one thing he never gave Rose, the truth about Gallifrey.

Important Recapper Note: The Recaps for the next two episodes, "Daleks in Manhattan" and "Evolution of the Daleks," will be posted together in two weeks. Enjoy!