American Inventor (7/25/2007): Final Final Finalists

The six finalists from each city were chosen and on tonight's episode we got to see what they did with the $50,000 investment to make it to the final three. All the lunatics and reality television whores had been cleared out and the horrendous "audition phase" is finally over. But now what? Now, we don't need to be told sob story backgrounds in order to watch true disappointment from the contestants. During the audition phase we got to see losers losing which had some comic value but doesn't compare to watching losers get pumped full of hope and then losing. Yes, I had some high hopes about tonight's episode.

Let's do a quick review because I know only too well how forgettable all these contestants are.

1. The cute lady with the excellent pair of boobs (but also a pair of kids) designed the strapless bra.

2. The two old country guys who probably only had about three teeth between them invented the "wrap around" a shelf system for holding kitchen plastic wrap.

3. The geeky Oklahoma teach invented the remote control cars that are made of paper and designed on a computer.

4. The twin Ivy League know-it-alls invented "the claw" a bicycle storage apparatus that is even more boring than it sounds.

5. The gushing hippy couple that invented an attachment that would make any coffee maker into a tea maker.

6. The firefighter. This blowhard invented a christmas tree fire warning system that would sound an alarm and put out the fire. I hate him. I know all the sheep out there probably love this father of six with his cheesy smile and soap opera acting but he hides behind his uniform and public perception to milk the "american hero" image.

The show takes us quickly through each contestant getting brutalized by the focus groups and running out of time during their final design stage. It's a lot like watching high school math club kids panic during the final week before the science fair. They run around aimlessly, they cry, they bitch and moan to the camera about how tired they are and then they cry some more while trying to keep a straight face while they tell us how much they miss their families and how their invention would change the world. Yeah, if I could only have some way to store my aluminum foil or bicycle, if I could only have a fresh cup of tea from my coffee machine, if I could only soak my christmas tree in kerosene and smoke joints the size of my arm next to it, and if only I could get the support I need from a bra without those pesky straps rubbing against my bacne. Yes, the world would be a better place and thankfully, due to these dipshit judges, our dreams may come true.

Let's get to the broken dreams shall we?

The backless bra lady got drilled by the judges for not having any market research but luckily her presentation included six smoking hot models with giant jugs so she got a pass to the next round. The lovey-dovey hippy couple did not get sent to the next round and I couldn't be happier. Only the firefighter pisses me off more than these two do-gooders. They can't be on camera for more than thirty seconds without telling everyone how much they love each other and when the bad news came I was praying for a spontaneous wife-beating to break out but didn't get it. It's okay. I know only too well what happens to those that bottle up their anger and resentment and I imagine that one day when they are at the Renaissance Fair sharing their recipe for Vegan pecan cookies one of them will snap and will unleash a beatdown like an Atom bomb. I can only pray there will be a camera present and I can watch it on Youtube for 24 hours straight. The geeky Ivy Leaguers have a very typical informercial-style presentation but don't move on because no one really believes that many people will rush out to buy it. The OK teacher had a very slick presentation and had answers ready for the judges when they tried to trip him up. He definitely spent his $50 grand well and actually deserved to move forward (although if he had the models from the bra presentation he would have won the whole thing right there). The country bumpkins choked like an epileptic with a mouth full of laffy taffy. These two goofballs couldn't remember anything and revealed just how out of place they were. Take a bow, old-timers, and say goodnight. Unfortunately, that means three people had been eliminated and so, yes, that fucking firefighter made it to the finals. The judges barely questioned him and even threw him some fat pitches like, "what is your motivation?" to which he easily says, "save children's lives". Ugh.

Next week is the finale and America will vote for the million dollar winner. Unfortunately, this show has already shown me who America is and so I will be shocked if that many people can actually figure out how to dial a phone to vote.

Are you there God? It's me, Keegan. Please don't let that firefighter win. Even if it means that hundreds more kids die with visions of sugarplums dancing in their heads than so be it, just don't let that sonofabitch win.