Rock of Love -"Motorcross"

Last week, the ladies divided into 2 dis-skankt camps - the hos and the maybe not so much of hos. Lacey realy wants Dallas gone. Big John delivers a note from Bret.  The ladies are going to have a motorcross challenge. Bimbos on bikes. I can't wait. According to Bret motorcross is one of the most important things in his life. Way to prioritize, dude. The gals hit the track and get some motorcross 101 training by Mercedes and Charity (more stripper names - what's up with that?) Man-dalena is having a hard time finding a helmet for her huge noggin and laughed so hard she peed herself (what's with gross bodily functions and these shows anyway? Is someone going to poop on the floor now?) Rodeo's a little too excited. As the ladies get the feel of the bikes, Mia demonstrates that she has mad skillz. Bret thinks there's something "hot" about Lacey. Dallas is having a few problems with her bike. Bret calls her the "craziest motorcross rider ever."

Bret then splits the gals into 3 teams of 4 for a relay race. The captains are Man-delena, Circus Boob Erin and Heather the stripper. The winning team get dates with Bret. Of course, Dallas is the last one picked. Erin really didn't want blonde Brandi on her team, but she was the lesser of 2 evils. Man-dalenas team includes Rodeo, Sam and the other Brandi. Heather's team is Lacey, Kristia and Dallas. Erin's team is her, blonde Brandi, Mia and Jes. Lacey heads out and immediately falls down go boom and was having a hard time getting back up.

Lacey can't get her bike re-started. Heather's pissed and tries to help. Kristia goes 2 mph. Erin also drives really conservatively (with those boobs, I would too.) Heather tries to play catch-up and manages to up the speed limit. It's down to the last round - Mia is the hope for the purples, Rodeo is up for the pinks and Dallas is the anchor for the blues. Dallas goes crazy fast out of the gate and takes a major header. Lacey took great delight in this. To her credit, Dallas got right back up and back on the bike (rather unsuccessfully though). Rodeo and Mia race and in a photo finish, the pink team win.The gals head back in the limo and enjoy some post-race cocktails and trash talking. Dallas and Lacey get into it again about the animal thing. Whe they get home, Lacey gets her "Peta sh*t" on and Dallas puts on every animal print thing she can find (with these gals she's gonna look like the bundled-up kid in "Christmas Story". Oh yeah...there's gonna be a fight.

Lacey is provoking Dallas and deserves to get her ass kicked now. Dallas knows she needs to stay away from Lacey. Lacey pushes her buttons and get pushed into the bar. Rodeo decides to break it up; she grabs Lacey and pins her to the ground. She "man-handled that bitch" (appropriate choice of words there, lady.) Bret's ready for his date with Sam and Mandalena. They wanted a date where they could get to know Bret, so he set up a poolside dinner and screening of "The Making of Bret Michaels" (ewww. What an egomaniac!) Sam apparently hs ADD and Bret seems to as well, punctuating each of her sentences with a disinterested "right" (it seems like he's really not listening to her.) Man-delena says she has "a story to tell." Oh yes she does - it probably involves a penis. I'm just saying. She admits she doesn't know much about his music, which Bret kind of dug. Man-dalena sees Bret and Sam hitting it off and devises a keen stratgey. That strategy - being a complete and utter slut. Bret suggests a make-out party. What is this, "Happy Days"? Sam feels weird kissing Bret in front of Man-dalena but ends up giving Bret the most. Awkawrd. Kiss. Ever. She then declares she wants to have an orgasm and Bret's more than willing to help her out (whatta guy!) She won't spend the night with Bret because she wants him to judge her for her head and heart. Oh, that'll happen. Man-delena thinks Sam has trust issues. As Bret so succinctly put it, "Date over, I'm horny."

Big John summons Brandi M. and Rodeo for their hot and sweaty date. Ewww. The gals wear clothes only appropriate for Stripper Beach. Brandi asks Rodeo what alluring scent she's wearing and then says it "Smells musky." (Ha!) On the way to their date, Rodeo filled Bret in on the Dallas/Lacey confrontation. Ok, Rodeo is more mannish than Man-dalena. The gals are taken to see swimsuit desinger Ashley Page to get the hottest tailor-made bikinis ever. As the ladies model the (ugly) suits for Bret, he seems to be delighted. (Bret can't go to up to the board right now.) Bret got "right up in there" to make sure the ladies made the right selections. Gross. Meanwhile, back at the house, the "Slut Squad" has created a "Wall of Shame" with unflattering charicatures of each of the other faction. The gals have dinner with Bret. Rodeo talks and talks (fun fact: she colects swords.) The trio come home again and Bret needs to start thinking about the eliminations. He pulls Kristia aside for a little one-on-one time. Kristia hopes she doesn't say anything stupid. Just keep your mouth shut sweetie. The conversation went nowhere (told ya Kristia, should have kept your mouth shut!) but Bret noted that she had the "teenyest ass" he's ever seen. He talks to Sam, but has a hard time looking in her eyes. Bret moves along and spends a little more quality time with Blonde Brandi and Erin. Bret got Crazy Lacey and Dallas together to talk about their situation. The gals argue and Bret seems to be ignoring them. He's probably in his own in a happy place - anywhere away from these skanks,

It's elimination time. Bret so needs a new stylist. He dispenses the passes to Brandi M., Jes, Heather (who also needs a new stylist), Rodeo, Blonde Brandi, Erin, Mia, Man-dalena, and Sam. It's down to Kristia, Lacey and Dallas. Kristia is given her walking papers. Blonde Brandi is devastated. Bret keeps Lacey and gives Dallas the heave-ho (ba dump dump.) Dallas goes stomping out of the house. Bret was pissed about it, for about 2 seconds and the gang all have a Bret's Brew. Really. Next week, the gals write their own songs and sing. Oh goody!