American Inventor: Finally, er, Finale

Tonight was the magical night where the next American Inventor would be named. Last week's eternity-long episode whittled down the six finalists to just three. The conclusion of last week's episode begged for the ten viewers willing to invest two hours into an endless series of montages to vote. So tonight, after an hour of endless montages, the winner would be announced. I could hardly wait.

Tonight for me was not really about wishing my favorite contestant would win but rather just wishing, nay, praying that the firefighter wouldn't win. In case you are just joining us now, which would be pointless, you can read my reasons for hating this cry-baby drama queen in every one of my recaps for this show.

Actually, I stand corrected. Watching the final episode is actually the same thing as watching the whole season. Everyone already voted last week so the winner had already been determined. So how do they fill up an hour show eliminating two contestants? Montages. And lots of them. Each judge got their own montage, the whacked-out lunatics got their own montage, each finalist got their own montage, and each of the final three got their own montage. I am glad that they didn't show a montage of the hours of my life wasted in front of the television watching this show week after week. It would be depressing to see myself get dumber and more enraged with the pettiness of this show week after week and trying to write something interesting about it. You should be impressed that this recap has lasted three paragraphs. I was honestly tempted to just say:

The ______ won. Goodnight.

However, the work ethic that was beaten into me by my puritan step-parents demands that I at least try to earn the high school equivalency credits that are awarded to me by my editor towards getting my GED. I hope there aren't any sentences ending with a preposition or I will have to spend next summer recaping again. Damn.

The first to be eliminated was the Oklahoma school teacher who had designed the remote control paper toys. I was a little disappointed because I thought that he clearly had the best presentation and most innovative idea and, also, he isn't the firefighter. He took it on the chin and only cried about half as much as the firefighter did during his montage. They must fight fires with tear drops because this guy is a pussy. After this elimination the only two left were the backless bra single mom and the weepy fire fighter we all know so well.

More commercials. A couple of montages. A visit from the Bonkers from Yonkers who invented the Black Cougar (an action figure not a dildo). A quick montage with families telling their contestants how much they love him. Commercials. A montage about the many montages that this show relies on and then a montage about that.

Now, the final moment. The firefighter wins. The backless bra mama took it very well and didn't cry nearly as much as the firefighter. I felt it was inevitable. It's like when you wake up with a sore throat and no matter how much water you drink, soup you eat, or vitamins you swallow you just know that you are getting sick. Nothing I could do or say, no amount of yelling at my TV could have stopped it. Not even my pleas to you people. There were just way to many montages of this guy crying and talking about "saving lives" and not nearly enough montages of the trial runs where his product actually only worked once under the most controlled of environments. I don't even think the voting was real because the judges wanted him to win so bad that they were practically congratulating him throughout the entire show (between the montages). It confirmed to me that all my misanthropy and built up rage was justified. Yes, the world really is a petty and horrible place and there is no such thing as justice, certainly not the poetic kind.

The firefighter won.

Goodnight.