Doctor Who: Episode 308/3008: Human Nature

Recapper’s Note: If there were two episodes this season that I actually feared recapping, it’s this one and its sequel. Why? I don’t know if it’s possible for me to put across, in mere words, the sheer awesomeness of these two hours of brilliance.
When the spoilers first came out that they were turning this novel, published in 1995, into a two-parter, many in the fandom, and I admit that I was one of them, wondered how this wasn’t going to turn into a cheese platter topped with Cheez Whiz and Velveeta. I was wrong to doubt you Powers That Be and I hope you accept my apology. ~Spy

PS: Although, I didn’t appreciate being made to cry. I don’t like crying over my television. I mean, there’s proving me wrong, and then there’s just pwned.

TARDIS Flashback: All right, we get this information throughout the episode, but I’m including it all here. Really, it wasn’t necessary to split it up, but I guess it was meant to create suspense. Who really cares? It’s the least awesome part of the episode. Of course, saying it’s least awesome is like saying, “It’s only a 1 karat diamond instead of a J-Lo engagement ring.”

The Doctor and Martha rush into the TARDIS, escaping the evil attack of the green light beam. Panic ensues as the Doctor demands to know if “they” saw Martha’s face but doesn’t explain further.

Whoever “they” are, they’ve stole time-travel technology and can follow the TARDIS across the universe and through time. Geez, I hope “across” and “through” are the correct prepositions. Fearing he has no choice, he holds a watch up to Martha and tells her it’s all up to her. Somehow, I don’t think a watch is the piece of jewelry she wanted from the Doctor, but it’s all he’s offering so of course she’ll take it.

The creatures hunting them will be able to track down something as unique as a Time Lord anywhere because of their extremely keen sense of smell. Think Bloodhounds multiplied by infinity. Therefore, he’s got to stop being a Time Lord and become human. Using his Chameleon Arch, his DNA will be re-written, with his Time Lord essence trapped in the watch. Using a perception filter, the human him will only ever think it’s a pocket watch. The TARDIS will nicely provide him with a history but leave Martha almost out in the cold. Nice.

On the other hand, the actual change is extremely painful. Although, the physical pain here is nothing in comparison to what the Doctor is about to go through.

1913: John Smith awakens and yes, I will refer to the new humanized Doctor as “John Smith” for the remainder of this episode. Why? The Doctor is a brilliant, funny, spontaneous, damaged, if not a bit insensitive at times, who feels rules were made to be broken. John Smith is the opposite of the Doctor, except for the insensitive part. There’s also one other quality John Smith has the Doctor does not, which will become apparently clear in this episode’s conclusion. Not that I should know that.

A knock at the door reveals Martha, dressed in a maid’s uniform, with a tray of breakfast. Martha is the Doctor’s servant? If that isn’t a subliminal dig at how the Doctor still views Martha, then I don’t know what is.

As Martha goes about setting up his breakfast, and other domestic chores, John Smith talks about his dreams where he’s an alien adventurer with Martha as his companion, in the year 2007. Smirking and being ridiculously servile, Martha tells him that it’s impossible as she’s a servant, he’s a teacher and it’s November 10, 1913. I learn two things; the first is that John Smith clearly likes being served as he just let’s Martha do everything for him while he stands there and prattles on. The second is that Martha has far more patience than me as I would’ve slapped him by now.

She also tells him he’s “as human as he comes.” She looks extremely disappointed at this.

We get a glimpse into an average day of John Smith’s life. He works at a private boys’ school as a history teacher, which would be ironic job for a Time Lord, considering how fluid time actually is. This is also the second time he’s played teacher in the new series, although last time he was playing at being John Smith too, now he really is John Smith. This Mr. Smith is giving a lecture on Waterloo, which totally had a moment of missed humour when he didn’t accidentally quote Abba.

Oh yeah, John Smith is one hell of a crappy teacher as his lecture comes directly from reading out of a textbook. I’d love to see that job interview. It must only have consisted of one question, “Can you annunciate clearly while reading aloud?”

If Martha didn’t slap him earlier, I so expected her to slap him now, as he walks across the clean floor she and another maid, Jenny, just scrubbed. Instead, she just smiles and says good morning. Both Jenny and I have difficulty seeing in him what Martha does. To make Martha’s day even worse, a couple of over-privileged students make racist comments. Again, showing more grace than I would have, Martha doesn’t get too angry, remembering both that in the not to distant future, many of these boys will be dead.

Considering how her day is going, it’s a good thing Martha doesn’t witness the next scene, which is an awkward flirtation between John Smith and Matron Joan Redfern. It’s an adorkable conversation where John Smith behaves like he’s either the nutty professor, or a schoolboy with a crush. In fact, he’s so out of his depth that Joan has to suggest in the most unsubtle way, that he invite her to the village dance. He blunders his way through an answer, only to fall down the stairs, which he didn’t notice were behind him.

In his room, John Smith is whining about the pain of getting stitched up. What a wuss! Next, Nurse Redfern earns my ire by chastising Martha for barging in all concerned. In good conscience, I can’t get annoyed at her for thinking she knows more about medical science than Martha, because Nurse Redfern would have no way of knowing she’s training to be a doctor. Of course, knowing this, and still getting the instant gut reaction of “die bitch and hands off the Doctor” are two separate things. I think that Martha is finally going to slap him when he doesn’t stand up for her, but still, she shows restraint.

As John Smith recounts the tales of his dreams, he also mentions that he thinks he has two hearts. Any annoyance I had at Nurse Redfern goes away when she “checks” to ensure he doesn’t. Really, it’s just an excuse to touch him and I can’t blame her for that. Wow, the DNA rewriter thingy (technical term) certainly worked since he’s down half the number of hearts, and half the amount of personality.

John Smith gives Nurse Redfern his “Journal of Impossible Things.” We see writings and drawings that rehash all that has gone on in the series – even in the previous Doctors.

I’m going to digress for a moment about the journal. It has all sorts of inside jokes in it – like “maius intra qua extra” – which is the Latin translation for the description of the TARDIS, the Eighth Doctor and comment “I am terribly afraid my watch is broken.” What is the most pitiful for me are not the subtle references to Captain Jack (the Torchwood symbol and the gas-mask zombies are in it) or the Dalek (“It stood only for itself, the side it was on.”) and Madame De Pompadour (“I’ve left someone behind again and I can never get her back.”). Instead, it’s Rose’s page.

“In my dream she keeps walking away.” In fact, he repeats the idea she’s walking away a few times. What’s heartbreaking is despite the images the Cybermen, TARDIS, Sonic Screwdriver and K-9, the only name he can produce is Rose. Even when he’s somebody else, someone completely human with little memory, he still suffers from the basic emotions of loneliness and longing for his companion. The Doctor may not always understand human emotions, but he’s got pining down to a fine art.

Now, if you need a bit of humour, he does describe Rose as “dressed in the most immodest way.” Hee! Also, if you look closely enough, John Smith can’t spell!

Of course, Martha having to watch all of this doesn’t exactly lend any funny to the scene. Add that to Nurse Redfern offering Martha advice a little later to “remember her position,” and even though it’s meant in good faith, I wonder why, since the nurse is supposedly such a kind and astute woman, she worries more about Martha’s “familiarity” with John Smith, than the mystery surrounding him.

In the dormitory, three students Hutchinson – henceforth to be known as Draco because he’s a bullying bastard and it’s shorter to type, Baines, who I would call Crabbe all thing considered, but yeah, you’ll see later, and Tim are relaxing. Draco bullies the smallest (I’m avoiding any Tiny Tim jokes) into doing his Latin homework. It took me a while to place the kid who plays Tim, but I eventually recognized him as that kid from Love Actually. If you thought he was great in that film, he’s even better here.

Tim’s got a secret all his own. He’s good at “guessing” as he’s able to say Draco’s father is posted to Africa without being told. “Guessing” a term which here means “psychic.”

Now that we’ve hit bullying, lets go for the second stereotypical element of boys’ boarding schools, illicit drinking. Draco sends Baines out to the forest to fetch beers for the two of them, leaving poor Tim without. Now we just need to hit the third element of a stereotypical boys’ boarding school: understated homoeroticism.

Outside of the local pub, Jenny and Martha have been banished for a drink. I get some form of explanation why Martha’s not slapped John Smith silly, as she’s only got another month before they can leave. A flash of green light in the sky distracts her.

The same flash of green light scares Nurse Redfern on her way to the pub where she meets Martha Jenny and John Smith. Whilst John Smith dismisses the flashes as a meteorite, Martha knows better. As for John Smith formerly known as the Doctor, he’s much more interested in “escorting” Nurse Redfern home. Usually, when I make a double entendre I would usually add a “not like that” but in this case it’s exactly like that. Again, I’m expecting Martha to slap him.

Martha rushes off to Cooper’s field where the “meteorite” landed, with Jenny in hot pursuit.

In Cooper’s field, Baines is distracted from retrieving the beer, when the green light lands in front of him. Without thinking about it, he enters the green light through a visible door.

Jenny and Martha arrive moments later and see nothing, so they head back to the school.

On board the nearly-invisible ship, Baines is trying to find out who is holding him and why. It sounds more like he’s conducting an interview than worried for his life. You know, there’s usually a bit of karma involved when it comes being captured or killed by aliens but an entitled racist teenager who allows his friends to bully others while he breaks the underage drinking rules and, without thinking twice, steps into a nearly invisible ship doesn’t deserve…

After a moment’s reflection, karma’s a bitch but so apropos, isn’t she?

Back in the school, Draco’s whining that he hasn’t had any beer while poor Tim is hitting the Oliver Twist level of pathetic by polishing his dorm mates’ shoes. Crawling back in the window, a clearly alien-possessed Baines tells Draco there wasn’t any beer left. Draco’s too pissed about the beer to notice the two obvious signs of alien possession. The first sign is having one’s eyelids superglued open, because for the rest of this two-parter, Baines doesn’t blink. (Don’t worry, that’s made up for two weeks from now. Not that I should know that.) The second sign is post-nasal drip.

Even though Draco’s missing these two obvious clues, Tim’s picked up on both.

The next day, Martha makes a visit to the TARDIS for more flashback information I gave you at the beginning.

She then replays a list of instructions from the Doctor about how to survive the three months they have to stay in hiding. Those instructions are as follows:
1) Don’t let me hurt anyone.
2) Don’t worry about the TARDIS.
3) No getting involved in big historical events.
4) You. Don’t let me abandon you. (That’s so sweet Doctor! Wait, you’re talking about Martha. Damnit!)
23) If anything goes wrong, if they find us Martha, then you know what to do. Open the watch.
Being the dedicated recapper I am, I filled in 5-22:

Back at the school, Tim’s gone to collect a book from John Smith. Being a typical absent-minded teacher, John Smith not only can’t find the book but also wrongly assumes Tim’s less than stellar marks are due to him hiding his own intelligence. “No man should hide himself,” John Smith tells Tim. I’m sorry; a pot on my stove just interrupted me. It’s talking to my kettle. It’s something about colours.

Like slightly-psychic paper, the perception filters don’t work on everyone. In this case, the watch starts talking to Tim. He opens the watch, getting the attention of the Post-Nasal Drip Alien-Possessed Baines, which is way too long to type, so in the future he’ll still be Baines. When John Smith finally finds the book, Tim pockets the pocket watch.

Getting a brief glimpse of the contents of the pocket watch, and getting brief flashes of the Doctor using the sonic screwdriver from “New Earth” and other episodes, Tim hightails it out of the office. He’s just discovered that John Smith, as well as the pocket watch, is bigger on the inside.

Running back to his dormitory, Tim opens the watch again. I can finally understand what the watch is saying, as I clearly here the Face of Boe’s last words, “You are not alone.” Tim also gets flashes of Daleks, Cybermen, the Rachnoss Queen, and the Ood.

What he doesn’t know, is this now confirms Baines’ suspicions, as he contacts the ship, giving orders to activate the soldiers.

What are the soldiers? Scarecrows. This is obviously the Supernatural version of scarecrows, rather than the Wizard of Oz version.

The scarecrow army takes two people: Mr. Clark and a little girl, Lucy Cartwright.

Back at the school, we witness something I find petrifying, teenagers with guns. All right, I just get the creeps from guns period. Just to hit even more pants-wettingly scary, it’s John Smith instructing the teenagers how to kill people. I like my Doctor unarmed thank you. He can cause enough destruction without guns.

The headmaster is actually pleased with his pupils’ ability to kill other people and actually wishes “I hope you may have a just and proper war,” when Tim expresses doubts about learning to indiscriminately kill. Careful what you wish for you jingoistic racist. After firing resumes, Tim has a flash of the future, with himself and Draco fighting in World War I, about to be flattened by a falling shell.

Because of this glimpse into the future, Tim doesn’t load the machine gun fast enough and when Draco asks permission to give him a beating (definitely not like that!) John Smith agrees. I want to give Tim a hug.

This time, when Baines sniffs, probably getting distracted by John Smith or the pocket watch on Tim, I’m wondering if he smells Time Lord or righteous prick.

Watching the entire scene is Nurse Redfern. She’s also less than thrilled about the target practice as her own husband was shot and killed. Later, John Smith and Nurse Redfern go for a walk through the village as we hear the tale of how she became a widow. I could give you the whole thing, complete with links, but to sum up: he was killed in battle and her version is historically accurate. Because of this, she doesn’t approve of the “military-style discipline” at the school. Trying to earn some brownie-points with his lady friend, John Smith assures her that war isn’t necessary, “everyday life can provide honour and valour.” That sounds more like our hero.

As if to prove the point, and to provide some comic relief in what is the heaviest episode of the year (I’m including its conclusion in that statement) John Smith, showing his own ability to hit a target with a Satsuma-sized object , saves a baby from being killed by a scenario I thought was only meant for cartoons: a falling piano. How does he save the baby? (1)He throws a cricket ball, (2)hitting some scaffolding, (3)which hits a board, throwing a brick that (4) knocks over a milk canister which (5)falls preventing the lady from pushing the baby carriage under the (6)falling piano.

Essentially, it’s like that game I played when I was little, Mouse Trap, except with people and it worked far better than that game ever did when it came time to catch the mouse.

The Doctor saving someone in the strangest way possible is not abnormal, but it’s a novelty for John Smith, who uses this moment to invite Joan to the dance.

Still on the never-ending walk, the pair is now out in a field. Nurse Redfern tries to psychoanalyze the “Journal of Impossible Things” by theorizing that it’s the man is who he’d want to be with “a girl in every fireplace”. Okay, Joan, you’ve totally earned my love. Without the assistance of the Doctor explaining everything, she’s figured out what it took Rose and Martha several trips in the TARDIS to learn. At his core, the Doctor is a man of daring adventure, destined to leave everyone he cares about behind (and a trail of broken hearts). Considering that’s what John Smith wishes to be, it’s ironic that the Doctor has such respect for the average life. Essentially, I’ve come to the conclusion that the Doctor / John Smith cannot truly be happy.

Back to the story and out of the therapy session, while John Smith fixed an askew scarecrow, Joan asks him where he learned to draw. He says it was in Gallifrey to which she wonders if it’s in Ireland. Hee! With that, we get a nod to old-school Doctor Who. Well, if you consider that the nod to old-school as opposed to John Smith’s parents being named after the creator and first producer. I don’t know, both were not hard to find.

Finally back at the school, we have a whole Jack and Rose portrait moment from Titanic but without the nudity. John Smith proves he has excellent intentional skills with women (the Doctor has excellent unintentional skills with women) because he starts kissing Joan. Usually, I’d throw in some snide remark about being jealous (which I am) but it’s so sweet that there’s really only one appropriate response.

Of course, maybe the real reason I didn’t make a snide comment was because I knew Martha was going to rush in and interrupt them. Ha! Karma’s still a bitch. Treat Martha like a servant (she is in this case but that’s beside the point) and John Smith doesn’t get any. Although she should just slap him and get it over with.

Martha rushes back to the TARDIS and replays the Doctor’s instructions. She’s angry he’s fallen for someone other than her. This is the one moment where this episode veers off slightly from the road to perfection it was on. Please Martha, you just found your backbone, don’t lose it again.

In the schoolyard, Tim sits alone listening to the watch tell him about being the last of the Time Lords, and “Darkness is coming.” Not exactly spiritually uplifting is it? It’s not like he can run off and tell anyone about an inanimate object talking to him because he’ll either wind up in the nuthouse or on the fandom wishlist for a Wonderfalls television movie.

In the distance all three of the alien-possessed gather on a bridge, reveling in their post-nasal drip-ishness.

They also complete the family unit by abducting Jenny and, according to Baines, turning her into “Mother of mine.” That would be his mother, well, the snotty alien’s mother, not my mother. My mother wouldn’t need help conquering a planet. Trust me.

Joan is all dressed up for the dance, and even though she’s not what the media likes to tell us is beautiful (18, famine-like skinny, with dyed blond hair and make-up applied with a trowel) she looks elegantly beautiful. She’s also quite astute, as not only has she figured out his personality from his journal, but also realizes that for a man who can fall down stairs at a moment’s notice, might not be able to dance.

In the servants’ quarters, Martha’s scored some fancy afternoon tea as some teacher turned it down. Poor Martha, it seems her life is made up of trying to be happy with someone else’s leftovers. But she’s kind enough to share with the possessed Jenny but let me just say this, for intergalactic hunters, this family needs to work on their stealth as Jenny immediately gives herself away.

As Martha runs to John Smith’s suite, Jenny tries to shoot her. She’s greeted the same level of appreciate by John Smith and Joan who think Martha’s lost it when she tries to explain about their predicament and is upset about the missing watch. John Smith puts on his most patronizing tone and tries to explain to her that the events in his journal are just a story. He thinks she’s confused due to “cultural differences.” Bad idea! I’m thinking now she’ll slap him.

Instead, Martha’s never-ending patience is only lost when he refuses to believe her that they’re in danger. When she finally does slap him – which I’ve suggested she do six times – it’s to snap him out of his delusion he’s always been human, instead of pent up anger over how she’s been treated.

For that, she is summarily fired. Well, that breaks rule number four, doesn’t it?

To earn my gratitude for all time, as John Smith rants about Martha’s behaviour, Joan stands up for her – saying there was, in fact a watch.

As Martha runs back to the TARDIS, she bumps into Tim, who has a vision of the real Martha from 2008.

Martha’s searching the TARDIS for the one thing the Doctor would most remember, other than Rose his sonic screwdriver.

Jenny and Baines break into John Smith’s room and make two mistakes. The first is that they think he’s simply human. The second is that he knows something. Sadly, I’ve figured out he knows nothing.

The first time I saw this episode, I didn’t realize how wise Joan really is as not only does she correctly analyze the Doctor/John Smith, but also she gets Martha’s fatal flaw correct; she’s completely infatuated with him.

In a neat moment of historical continuity, the man at the door collect cover is asking for donations to veterans of the Crimea and I actually feel bad for the old chap as Tim manages to sneak past him. I know it’s necessary for plot development, but I always feel sorry when old veterans are made to seem like doddering old fools. He enters the hall just in time to see the start of the waltz. In a very Doctor-ish moment, seconds after Joan compliments John Smith for being able to dance, they run into the couple beside them.

In a bunch of quick edits, the family, which have this annoying habit of adding “of mine” to the end of every title, realize John Smith is at the dance. We flip to the daughter, who is at the dance, and still holding her balloon. It’s got to be the strongest balloon in the history of mankind, because it’s still retaining its helium and hasn’t popped, despite being manhandled by scarecrows.

The next edit is Martha getting into the dance, followed by the awaiting scarecrow army hiding in the bushes. Trying to give Joan the opportunity to save face, Martha gives voice to the suspicions that something is hiding right behind John Smith’s eyes. Clearly uncomfortable, Joan doesn’t want to admit the truth. I have to empathize because she doesn’t want to lose another man. The actress does an excellent job of running the gamut of emotions, from refusal, to sadness to acceptance, all while remaining quietly dignified.

John Smith isn’t quite as dignified more disgusted at Martha’s arrival. She hands him the sonic screwdriver and tells him the truth of his existence. Except, she’s not as quiet as she should be because the alien daughter overhears everything. As powerful as this scene is, I wish Martha, in all her brilliance, had tried to be more private.

Just in case we weren’t already aware this alien family is teh ebil, they vaporize the veteran. I’m pretty sure that’s on the top ten list of evil things in fiction.

Of course, they hit a little higher up on the scale when they storm the dance, kill an innocent civilian and take everyone hostage. They call the Doctor a human “simple, thick and dull.” They may be evil, but they certainly have the correct choice of adjectives.

You know that phrase, “takes one to know one?” Well, in the case of the aliens, they’re pretty simple and thick themselves, as they think by pointing a gun at first at John Smith and then at Martha and Joan, the Doctor will change back into a Time Lord. In other words, scaring people doesn’t always produce the desired results. I’d make a comment about that but I don’t want to wind up on any political watchlists.

John Smith is left with a choice even the Doctor couldn’t have made, “Which one of them do you want us to kill, maid or matron?” Baines asks. “Your friend or your lover, your choice.”

Except this choice is left in the hands of one simple human. Meanwhile, this simple human, is left in tears.