Rock of Love - "Show Me Your Hits"

Bret notes that some members of his "sexy six" have stepped up their game but warns Mia that she needs to get out from the background. He's got some "real important work" in the studio, so he motors and leaves the gals with a challenge. Meanwhile, the girls have nothing nice to say about Lacey. Jes calls her a "malicious, manipulative bitch." I agree, Jes. Jes found Bret's note. He tells them it's time to "rock the cameras and strike a pose." (Bret's a master of the cliche. Guess I should expect no less from the mastermind behind "Unskinny Bop".) Sam's excited because she models for some of her photographer friends. She probably does, but I can only see her in one of those tattoo rags.

The ladies head to the photo shoot and see costumes, a convertible and lots of accessories (I have to admit, I sported that patent leather cop hat last Halloween.) The shoot is going to be supervised by "Bret's friend", celebrity shutterbug Evo Lopez. The gals are shooting a mock album cover for Bret. Evo breaks the girls into 2 teams - Sam, Jes and Lacey and Brandi, Heather and the "frustrated" Mia. One gal on each team is the creative director, the other 2 are the models. The winning creative director gets a solo date, the models get a tandem date. Bret wants to see how the ladies best represent him and "take his brand to the next level" - whatever that means. Is he launching a line of sanitizers or something? They have an hour to prepare and one hour to shoot. Jes is the creative director for her team, and frustrated Mia is the other team's CD. She faces opposition right off the bat - she wants to go for an innocent look and Heather (quel surprise) wants to do it skanky..I mean sexy. Lacey's pushing Jes to do a dominatrix/submissive shoot. I'm also not surprised about this.) They work it into a good versus evil theme, with Lacey playing the perfect devil.

Mia said Heather was supposed to look sexy, but ended up coming across "kinda drag queen-ish". Mia, where have you been? Brandi decides to dress up like a man (because Man-dalena's gone, of course.) Heather decides to ignore "boring" Mia and title their album "Broken Road". Jes' team is battling cliches but manage only to come up with "When Love Dances with the Devil." Hello, 1987. Jes' team starts their shoot, on a bed. Ewww. Lacey was majorly bossy throughout the shoot and the photo selection process (of course, she and Jes liked different shots.) Lacey wants Bret to know that she was the "star" of the shoot. Evo comisserated with Jes after they were through. I would too.

Mia's team is up next. They're working with the car. Heather is playing the role of Lacey during their shoot. She's doing her own poses. The photo selection provided more drama than Mia expected. With seconds to spare, they finally come to a conclusion. Evo's going to "spice the photos up" (which I hope means replacing all of the models) and the ladies, satisfied with their work, head back to the skankery. Lacey and Heather feel like they did all of the work during their respective sessions. The gals got the proofs from Evo (as well as his notes - I'm sure "this sucks" was probably included) for their presentation to Bret. Lacey wants to present her team's cover to Bret (of course she does.) She is truly annoying.

Evo had loads of "notes" for Mia's team. Bret will love the car, everything else sucked. Evo advised the girls to be ready to sell, sell, sell to Bret - because the picture sure isn't going to sell itself. Heather is still trying to run the show, but wants Mia to take the fall if they lose the challenge. The gals gather the next morning for breakfast and Lacey tells them that she isn't there to make friends. She's awful. Jes says she hates that Lacey talks down to everyone. Lacey is still arguing that she was the true creative director for the shoot - she loves the fact that she's riling up her competitors.

Bret's "excited" to see the album covers. He and Evo are ready for the presentations. Mia's up first. Her cover had Brandi in male drag looking at Heather on her knees on a car hood. Yikes. Bret sees Brandi in drag and is confused. Evo goes in for the kill - asking if Brandi (with grey hair) is supposed to represent Bret (no, because if she was supposed to be Bret, she would have had a bad weave.) Mia's flustered and is having trouble defending her case. Bret likes the colors...and not much else. He said the car was the hottest thing in the photo. I agree. Mia, unfortunately, is the "fall person."

Jes presents her album to Bret. It's equally awful (Lacey astride Sam on a bed), but let's see what Bret thinks. Jes did a much more confident presentation (you go, girl!) and Bret was happy. Evo thought it was cliched (oh yeah, it sure is.) Bret liked the concept of Mia's album but warned Jes that their cover may never be seen in the Bible Belt (which I stongly doubt is overrun with Bret Michaels fans anyway.) He ultimately picks Jes' team as the victors. He promises an awesome date for all of the ladies. Lacey is upset that Jes is going on the solo date - and, of course, decides to talk to Bret about how unfair the whole thing is. Bret stuck to his guns and Jes still gets the solo date. In your face, Lacey. Jes decides she should talk to Bret as well and tell him that Lacey is crazy. Bret said that there was just "something about her" (craziness?) Bret takes Lacey and Sam on their date in a rented Bentley (of course, Lacey yelled "shotgun" immediately, but Sam got the front seat due to a "rock, paper, scissors" victory.

Back at the skankery, Brandi and Heather are talking about Mia and how she's going to have to pay for losing the challenge for them. They elect to reshoot the album cover so they could save their asses. Bret takes Lacey and Sam to one of his haunts, a restaurant called Neptune's Net. I hope they get the menus they can color. Bret asked the gals if they thought Jes did a good job as creative director for the shoot. Sam said she did a great job and lacey went off on her. Bret was surprised at how quickly Lacey threw the other girls under the bus and it's starting to worry him. Lacey leaves for a pee and Sam tells Bret how awful Lacey truly is. Bret's confused.

Bret enjoyed his date with the girls but he felt it wasn't sexy enough (well, maybe you should have had it at a place a touch more romantic than Neptune's Net.) Jes shows up in a limo for her solo date with Bret. They head off on his motorcycle. Meanwhile, Heather and Brandi grab a Polaroid and take their own pictures, with no help from Mia. Mia feels slighted by their snub. Bret takes Jes to his favorite spot on the beach - a private cove. The gals take some appropriately skankalicious photos, which they taped all over Bret's door. Bret and Jess were bonding and making out on the beach. Bret's having an awesome time but eliminations loomed.

Bret came home and found the photos of Heather and Brandi. Bret felt Mia failed him. Mia popped up asking to talk to Bret. Bret asked if she was doing this "out of love or desperation". Bret denies Mia's request and decides to have a sit down dinner with all of the girls before elimination. Mia's snubbed again. At their "family dinner", Lacey goes off on another PETA tirade and Brandi leaves the room. Bret follows after Brandi and discovers that everyone but Heather hates her. Bret's starting to notice himself. (It's about time!) Big John tells Bet it's elimination time - with no one-on-ones allowed. Mia's worried.

It's time for "What the Hell is Bret Wearing?", otherwise known as elimination time. He's resplendent in a shiny snakeskin jacket (he fails to disappoint.) Jes is the first to get a pass, which further annoys Lacey. Stripper Heather's Polaroids guaranteed her a pass. I wish Bret would just give out the damn passes without the "connection"-laden speeches (get this guy a thesaurus for God's sake!) before each one. Sam and Brandi also get their passes. It's down to Mia and Lacey. It's "too little, too late" for Mia, and she's sent packing. Aw, crap! I'm tired of her - she so needs to go. According to Bret, poor Mia just didn't "bring it", and he loves the fact that Lacey is fighting the good fight for her man. I hope that crazy bee-yotch heads home next week. Go, Jes!