Yes, the picture is tiny. No, I couldn't find a bigger one. Squint.Cheesy lounge-like Jazz music plays as we zoom in on a saucer-shaped vessel, cruising through starry space. Stephen Hawking's voice inquires, "As we seek to refine ourselves, to elevate humankind to its consummate form, what will become of those who are less than perfect?" As if to emphasize his point, we hear a resounding bang, and a spray of blood appears on the interior of one of the spaceship's portlike windows. Inside, plants festoon a sort of common room as a woman repeatedly runs full-on headfirst into the wall. Everyone around her casually goes about their business, playing cards, plinking out a tune on a piano, reading books. Closer observation proves that the folks lounging about are all freaky-deaky - they have some kind of skin condition, or growths on their faces. Also, they seem determinedly oblivious to the fact that some crazed chick is trying to bash her own brains out against the wall. Finally, the woman bangs her head one last time and lies still. Charming.
An older man named Bedzyk, with a bald head and military-style mustache, bellows impatiently for a someone to clean up "that mess" and blow it out the garbage chute. He gestures at some people at random, and we see his freakish mutation - a giganticized left hand. The three none-too-normal ones who have been chosen for body duty chat about mundane everyday stuff as they pick up the dead woman like a sack of potatoes and shove her into an airlock. Clearly, this sort of thing happens all the time amongst their ranks. So often, apparently, that the death of a friend or colleague hardly affects them anymore. We get a better view of the people inhabiting this space ship; they all have funky mutations, like extra ears growing out of the tops of their heads, bubbled skin, or distorted, animalistic facial features. It's a mutant space station, yo.
Just then, Sam Swope, a man who happens to have two heads, stumbles up and sits across from Bedzyk. Seriously, the guy has one normal sized head, and one extra, tiny head growing out of his right shoulder. The shoulder head's facial features look just like Sam's facial features, but the tiny head has a life of its own - it breathes wheezingly, looks around, grimaces and smiles. It's majorly creepy, y'all. I could deal with the giant arm - it was even kinda cool in a plastic kid's-toy sort of way. But this second head is super foul. I wonder if he has to feed it? Gross. Sam bemoans the fact that he was supposed to have some help working a shift in the garbage port, but it turns out that the woman who killed herself was his assistant. Bedzyk indicates her dismembered remains floating around outside of a ship porthole, the Earth shining like a beacon in the background. No help for you, Sam.
We learn a little bit more about Sam's personality as he speaks with Bedzyk. First of all, the second head seems to have a fair amount of intelligence, because it's always gasping that it is Sam Swope, and the original Sam is constantly telling it to shut the hell up. Sam is also very verbose and clearly thinks of himself as some sort of tragic philosopher figure, since he's always loquaciously describing their situation and its distressing ramifications. He does think that they will find a new home eventually, even though they've already visited many space ports where they've been rejected. They're a freak show drifting through space, looking for a place to put down roots after having been booted off of Earth because of their, er, disabilities. Bedzyk and Sam contemplate getting their revenge by crashing the ship into Earth itself. At this point I decide that this episode of MoSF would be a hell of a lot better without the craptacular smooth jazz that's tootling earnestly away in the background. It's ruining this otherwise cool scene. Seriously, guys, the last time I checked, Kenny G. wasn't in high demand for musical scores. There's a really good reason why not.
At any rate, the ship is down to 2/3 of its original passengers, apparently due to multiple suicides. Sam wants to know what Bedzyk, as the reluctant and unofficial leader of their ragtag band, is going to do about it. Bedzyk's not a fan of the fact that he's been somehow placed in a leadership position here on the good ship Lollipop Gulag, and thinks that everything that he does, Sam could just as easily do. Sam, however, proves that even if he could be a leader, he would bore everyone to death within a few minutes. 'Cause just then he decides it would be a good idea to lapse into a long and drawn out speech about why the disease that has made them freaks is called RIGM. He blathers away about how the disease was originally diagnosed as blood mutation, and was kind of ignored until a million people started growing noses on the backs of their hands. The disease was renamed Random Idiopathic Genome Mutation - RIGM. All of the rest of the freaks in the common room have clearly been down this road before with Sam's speechifying, because they clear out, and pronto. Before you know it, the room is empty, and Sam's the only one there to hear himself speak. "Philistines," he mutters. His second head nods and wheezes its agreement. Shudder.
Other freaks, some with animalistic mutations, others with long strandlike earlobes or stretched out limbs, stroll around a corridor as Bedzyk looks pensively out a porthole toward earth. My favorite freaks are the old man with the hand-shaped goiter and the cycloptic chick who is inexplicably dressed like a cheerleader. EH? Anyhoo, Bedzyk gets a call from a woman named Harmony, who has porcupine-esque spines growing out of her head and back. See, now, I think that that would be the worst mutation to have. Already I am clumsy and constantly bumping into shit. If I grew spines, the accidentally poking myself (possibly in the eye) would never stop. Harmony is the ship's navigator; she wears a cool harness thingie that lets her guide ships in to dock. She lets Bedzyk know that a ship is incoming from Earth. Bedzyk is in no mood to deal with some jerk from turncoat Earth, so he hangs up on her.
Later, Bedzyk's in bed with his lover, a woman named Annie who looks familiar as hell, but for the life of me I can't figure out what else she has been in. He wants to turn on the lights, but she's violently opposed; I'm not sure why, since on the outside she seems pretty normal looking. She's been an outcast for more than twenty years (14 of which have been spent on this ship), so there must be something wrong with her. Bedzyk wonders why they were truly exiled; the usual excuse is that Earth was too crowded, and someone had to go, so it might as well have been the infected ones. But Bedzyk's theory is that they were truly sent away because nobody could stand to look at their ugliness. Annie's all, "you are too cynical and I think you look lovely." He again asks her if she would please let him bring up the lights. All over the galaxy, people make love with the lights on because they enjoy looking at each other - couldn't they pretend they're normal for once? Annie looks touched, and turns up the lights. Then she disrobes... and oh my, I see. From her chest down to her hips, Annie's body is... see through. The skin is clear, and you can see all of her organs functioning. NEATO, dude! Best... mutation... ever!
Before Bedzyk can get with the transparent lovin,' he gets a cockblocky call from Harmony. The ship is ready to dock - what should she do? Bedzyk's all cranky about being interrupted, but Sam gets on the horn and orders his giant-armed ass down to the docking bay. A few minutes later, an impatient Bedzyk arrives and tries to hail the recently docked Earth vessel. He gets no response; in fact, whoever's on the ship is already boarding theirs. The mutants gather around, and amidst ever-so-dramatic bursts of steam, the airlock opens to reveal a tall dark and handsome Captain America type in a white uniform. The dude swaggers out and says that his name is Curran and he was sent from Earth Central to make them a terrific offer.
Everyone's yelling out a cacophony of frustration with Earth's treatment of them, until Sam and Bedzyk restore order. They're pretty hostile toward the white-suited dude, letting him know that they've been all over the system, but haven't found a new home. Curran remains annoyingly smug and confident throughout the berating, and asks to talk to Bedzyk alone. He, Sam, Harmony and Curran head to the "Cathedral," a meeting place overgrown with vines and greenery. The plants are their life, since the original oxygen scrubbers gave out a long time ago. Bedzyk definitely has no patience for this white-suited douche, and wants him to hurry the hell up and speak his piece. Curran gets right to it: he's there representing Earth Central's highest leaders, on the most important mission in history. Earth central apparently doesn't hate the mutants anymore... indeed, they feel all guilty over what the previous generation did to them, blah blah blah. The mutants are all dubious about just how much Curran can feel their pain. Whereupon Curran opens his pristine white shirt to reveal his chest, which is oozing and bubbling v.v. disgustingly. Curran has the "runnies..." a form of RIGM. And it is icky.
Turns out that RIGM has been spreading like crazy since the first wave of mutants were exiled. It reacted to a spray that was supposed to cure the population, and the altered strain is more virulent than ever. It's gotten so bad that the cities have been evacuated, and practically everyone has it. But one doctor has come up with a serum which cures the new strand of the disease. Said serum just happens to be synthesized from enzymes that are found nowhere but in the blood of the original discards... these folks right here. The mutants are all, "dude you kicked us off the planet and now you want our blood??" Bedzyk calls bullshit, in fact saying he wouldn't take a piss on Curran if flames were shooting out of his eyeballs. Hee! Curran earnestly wants them to listen to his proposal, but just then a crazed mutant with a too-wide, toothy mouth comes lurching in, screaming about wanting to go home. He picks up a pike and stabs at a porthole, cracking the glass. Harmony tries to stop him, and in the process ends up impaled on a bulkhead. Boo! I liked Harmony, even if she was mostly porcupine.
Annie inherits Harmony's navigator harness as Curran tries to convince Bedzyk that Earth's population actually has all kinds of warm fuzzy feelings for the exiled mutants. If they agree to help, Earth will let them come back, land their ship, and form a colony. In South America. Away from the rest of civilization. Great deal, eh? Bedzyk thinks not so much, and lets Curran know that he thinks he's a lying turd. If they don't give their blood, he thinks Earth Central will come take it by force. Curran won't ever give them asylum. Sam, for his part, disagrees. Everyone there wants to go back to Earth, and he believes that this is their chance. Bedzyk insists that Earth's a planet of liars, who will never let them get anywhere near them. Whereupon Sam decides that he's taking over this party. He now represents the desires of the other mutants, and by God, they're going back to Earth.
Bedzyk can't get any support in his anti-Earth stance, not even from Annie, who thinks he's too angry to see the situation clearly. The want to go home/they're liars debate reaches a fever pitch, and suddenly Bedzyk attacks Curran, grabbing his throat. Before he can do any real damage, a heavy piece of metal comes banging down on his head. We zoom in on a shocked Sam, who is momentarily silenced by what he's done. Bedzyk rolls over, blood on his face. He whispers Sam's name, and then Annie's, before he stops moving and his grotesquely enlarged hand relaxes against the floor. Annie cries over his body, gently kissing him before he is removed, probably for disposal out the airlock. Aw. I liked poor Bedzyk. Sam tells Curran to get the medical teams ready; the mutants will cooperate in exchange for a new home on Earth. He walks away, a dazed expression on his face.
Three weeks later, nurses from Earth are taking blood samples from mutants' necks with the most giant honkin' needles that I have ever seen. A chipper Sam chats up the medical staff. He's proud of himself because the rescue vessel is on the way, and he's saved the world and his people. The doctor kisses his ass, but Annie glares from a nearby chair, taking him down a peg or three. Creepily, Sam's second tiny face winces in perfect unison with his regular face when the needle slides into his neck. Later, navigator-harness wearin' Annie lets Sam know that the rescue vessel will arrive in six hours. Sam's chillin' in his pad with a woman named Frenchie who has skin that makes her look like an eczemic alligator. In a moment of vulnerability, he tells her that he didn't mean to kill Bedzyk. Frenchie reassures him that Bedzyk was going to ruin everything, and that Sam has given them all hope, given them back their homes. Sam looks less than reassured, and rightfully so. Ya killed your best friend, ya creep!
A happy, giggling couple threesome rips down previously-precious foliage for use as wedding decorations. The three, Bucky, Steve, and Sharon, are about to be united in holy threesome matrimony. Awww, it's sweet! Also, you go, Sharon, for having two boyfriends! Seems that this is the first wedding they've ever had aboard the ship, and it's a symbol of a new beginning. Sam presides over the wedding, tri-binding Steve, Sharon, and Bucky in lifelong love. The joyful company of mutants celebrates with wild applause as the rescue ship docks. Jubilantly, they greet Curran, who emerges into the ship with an unreadable expression. Sam is at his finest, gallant and grandiose in his greeting, all swagger in his movement. With a flourish, he welcomes Curran as their savior.
And then, from behind the white-suited and still speechless Curran, figures emerge from the newly arrived "rescue" ship. They're more mutants, new arrivals, and they have suitcases. These people are not going back to Earth anytime soon. They've been betrayed, just like Bedzyk predicted. The look on Sam's face(s) breaks my heart in half. "No," he says in pure disbelief, his shoulders slumping. Curran's expression screams, "hey sorry, but what can ya do?" The full weight of what he has done, of what is really happening here, falls fully on Sam. He sobs and his two heads lean against each other in gentle, hopeless sorrow.
Later, there's a loud thump and an explosion of blood against a porthole of the ship. This time, it's Sam who is charging head-on into a bulkhead as Annie sits by, her expression flat. As Sam's body lies motionless on the floor, only his smaller head moves, wheezing that he is Sam Swope. "Somebody clean that up and blow it out the garbage port," Annie bellows harshly. Slowly, we zoom away from the spaceship where it hangs among the stars, Earth still glowing placidly in the background.
"What monstrosities would walk the streets were some people's faces as unfinished as their minds?" - Eric Hoffer
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