The Hills: "Truth And Time Tells All"

Original Air Date: August 20, 2007

Bolthouse. Heidi gives Elodie a second before shoving her ginormous engagement ring in her face. Elodie, like many of us, wonders if Heidi and Spencer aren't just a bit young to be getting engaged. Heidi insists, though, that meeting someone like "a Spencer" at her age is a totally different thing: "He's, like, my soul mate." Whatevs -- Elodie still thinks they should indulge in the luxury of a long engagement.

Meanwhile, Spencer gives Brody the news on a shopping trip. "It went amazing." Spencer used to think marriage was for losers, an opinion Brody seems to back up. Brody, priorities in order and all, wants to know when the bachelor party is.

Teen Vogue, which means one thing -- Whitney, my favorite person on the show. Lauren still doesn't get what Audrina sees in Justin/Bobby, but is willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. She'll be meeting the couple for drinks that night to get to know him a little better, promising that she will try hard.

Heidi and Spencer meet at home, recapping their day when Heidi stops cooing long enough to see an arcade game in the corner where previously there was... I don't remember, but there definitely wasn't an arcade game.

Heidi: "When is it going back?"
Spencer: "What do you mean going back?"
Heidi: "I thought we were getting a table."

And so it begins -- the married couple bickering banter about furniture. I thought Spencer was going to bust out some lame joke about how Crate & Barrel now sells 80s paraphernelia, but alas, no.

Meanwhile, drinks at Bella Cucina could be going better. Justin is sick, and isn't in much of a mood to engage with Lauren's assertions. "Precious cargo you got there." Aw, that's so sweet, Lauren. What does J/B have to say in response? A healthy belch. Neither Lauren nor I are impressed. Audrina addresses Lauren directly, asking "Do you think he's a good guy?" Lauren in turn asks J/B for his evaluation of her, but it's no use -- his interest in the conversation is nowhere to be found. And with that, the evening is over, with Audrina going home with J/B, and Lauren driving back to the apartment with yet another look of confusion and concern on her face.

The next day at the Hillside Villas Pool (background music is The Pipettes, whom I love), Audrina admits that J/B was being "weird". It was awkward and and he wasn't nice. He was, in fact, rude and disrespectful. Which Audrina knew, but she just wanted Lauren to say it out loud.

Back at the Montag/Pratt household, Heidi comes home to another surprise of Spencer's: "HOLLYWOOD" spray-painted as graffiti on the living room wall. Considering how profoundly ugly it was, I thought Heidi did an admirable job of keeping it in and not going off on Spencer on how unbelieveably ugly the wall is. While Spencer admits that they do, in fact, need real furniture, he loves the mural and doesn't want to get rid of it. Heidi isn't happy that Spencer is making these decisions without her. Spencer's take is that they're not decisions so much as surprises. Still, though, he gets off on the autonomy of his action: "I love having this power." I'm surprised he didn't start cackling evilly.

Over Pinkberry with Lo, Lauren talks about being in a rut and her disastrous drinks date with Audrina and J/B. Lauren is trying to like J/B, but will she have to bear having another roommate with a boyfriend she hates? At that moment, Audrina calls Lauren to bail on going to the gym together -- she's going to hang with J/B.

At Charcoal, J/B insists he wasn't grumpy and mean -- he was just sick. Which is fair, but if you're sick, isn't it best to restrict your socializing so A) you don't get anyone sick, and B) you don't piss anybody off with your less-than-pleasant social demeanor? I'm just asking. Audrina's already a bit of a commitment-phobe, so it's a bit off-putting for her to feel that she doesn't seem to know what he wants. For his part, J/B just wants to be friends and have fun and "not let the bullshit" interfere with what they've got. Meaning: he won't commit, either, but isn't opposed to hooking up or whatever. "Truth and time tells all," J/B toasts, and Audrina joins him.

Heidi and Spencer's. Heidi is painting over the graffiti. I no longer have the episode on my DVR, but I think I did an okay job of transcribing their exchange, which I believe speaks for itself.

Spencer: "Yo yo"
Heidi: "Surprise!"
Spencer: *
Heidi: "I surprised you with a beautiful mural"
Spencer: !
Heidi: "We can decide what we can do with this wall together!"
Spencer: !!
Heidi: "I thought we should make decisions together."
Spencer: "What could I do without you?"
Heidi: "Don't say it like that."
Spencer: "So this is what it is."

Heidi exits. Spencer stares at the wall for a bit, then gets up and continues painting over the mural.