Torchwood: Everything Changes (Episode 101)

The 21st century is when it all changes; you’ve got to be ready…We’re separate from the government, outside the police…

Welcome to Torchwood, and while the BBC has issues with anyone calling it the adult spinoff of Doctor Who, I don’t. If the BBC would like to stop me from doing such things, they can hire me as a writer so I can spend the rest of my life stalking David Tennant and Gareth David-Lloyd, while taking breaks staring at the prettiness that is John Barrowman in a creatively fulfilling career.

For those of you new to Torchwood, there are several clear differences between it and its parent show:
1) A lot of techno music, as opposed to the orchestral score.
2) Everyone stays in one time and place (Cardiff)
3) Everyone swears like, well, like normal people.
4) The Doctor is supposedly asexual. To make up for his 900 years of not getting much the Torchwood team sleeps with anything. I use none of the terminology in that previous sentence lightly.

Essentially, Torchwood is what would happen if Doctor Who met Queer as Folk. Perhaps it seems that way because it is.

The scene is set at the site of a murder, where PC Gwen Cooper (which stands for Police Constable, not Progressive Conservative, if there are any confused Canadians out there) is painfully confused because everyone’s just standing around in the rain, getting soaked. No one is actually investigating. The scene’s been cleared on orders that Torchwood was to get first crack at the body. I’m confused over what a servant girl from 1869 is doing in 2007-8. I know Russell T. Davies said there was no connection between Gwen and Gwyneth, but he’s said a few other things that weren’t true either.

As if on cue, or nicely edited, the Torchwood Tricked-Out SUV pulls up. For future reference, I’m calling it the TT-SUV from now on. Out steps the mysterious Torchwood, who, even in the torrential downpour, strut with confidence in their combined sexiness, towards the body. The Torchwood strut is a visual feature of every episode. It’s all slow motion with flowing wardrobe. It’s sort of like the opening of Baywatch, except the coats billow instead of Pamela Anderson’s boobs.

Curious as to who Torchwood is, Gwen sneaks up on a roof to overhear. At least, that’s probably how she justifies it to herself. If it were me, I’d be sneaking up on the roof just to stare longingly at John Barrowman. What? A girl can still look, can’t she?

Captain Jack Harkness, in his best WWII era garb, is smelling estrogen in the rain; there’s some long story as to how the estrogen gets there, but it’s all a build-up to the punch line that Captain Jack is grateful for contraceptives in the air because he can be sure he won’t get pregnant again. Apparently, Captain Jack reads his own m-preg fanfic. The first person to correct me on that statement, will receive a serious dose of scorn. I already know. I’m just trying not to give away all the secrets of season 3 Doctor Who yet. If you think you know what I’m talking about and you haven’t seen the end of season three. Trust me, you don’t.

The team is freezing, waiting for Suzie, who is wearing a big metal Robocop-reject glove, to resuscitate the dead man. The rain stops as the murder victim awakens, terrified to another member of the Torchwood (who I know is Tosh, but we‘ll just pretend we don’t know that yet) team asking him about his murder. As he was stabbed in back, he saw nothing and the glove that Suzy is wearing keeps the poor guy alive for only 2 minutes. To fill the time, Jack asks him what he saw when he died. The poor victim, John Tucker, dies in agony as he realized that he saw nothing.

The rain starts up again while the team bickers about how best to get a corpse to talk without freaking out about the whole dead thing. Jack shouts up at Gwen, asking her opinion and I don’t know who was more freaked out by Captain Jack, the corpse or Gwen.

Just to prove the difference between Gwen and the strange powers of the Torchwood team, we get a domestic moment of Gwen and her boyfriend, Rhys. Somehow, I don’t think the relationship is going as swimmingly well as Rhys seems to think because the first thing Gwen does is lie to him about being at the murder scene.

After laying awake all night, Gwen asks a colleague to do a background check on Captain Jack. Somehow, I don’t think gas-mask zombie fighter will appear in his file. Then, in case we need to be shown exactly how boring her life is, like we didn’t get it after meeting Rhys, Gwen is stuck serving coffee during the briefing. The whole point of this is to show that the killer of John Tucker, also killed two other people.

On a call with her partner Andy, Gwen is still obsessing about Torchwood. Her partner has an interesting theory about Torchwood, assuming they’re DNA specialists, and makes a crack out of the concept of CSI: Cardiff. Somehow, I’m sure they’ll run out of Who songs before they get there. I think CSI: Cardiff ranks somewhere after CSI: Saskatoon and CSI: Fargo.

Afterwards, as if Gwen’s day wasn’t bad enough between the coffee-fetching and Torchwood obsessing, she gets a head injury while trying to break up a bar fight. To add insult to injury, she doesn’t even get a hot doctor. What she does get, is a glimpse of a man in a WWII trench coat running up the stairs. She follows him like he’s a much better looking white rabbit.

Instead of Wonderland, Gwen finds herself in a blocked off area, confronted with a very ugly alien looking creature, which she takes for being a stoner in a silly mask. She’s rudely awakened when a janitor she talked to earlier, when asking about the sealed off area, has his throat ripped out by the creature.

The rest of the Torchwood team tackles the creature, while Captain Jack pushes Gwen out to safety.

Once she recovers some sense of normalcy, whatever that might mean in Torchwood terms, Gwen is nearly run over by the TT-SUV in the hospital’s parking lot. This is definitely not her day to play the lottery, or even to leave her apartment. She chases after them in the police car, leaving her partner, Andy, left behind. He’d better get used to it.

She radios in the TT-SUV license plate, which, for all you trivia buffs is CF06 FDU. This gives us another visual staple of Torchwood, following the TT-SUV through the streets of Cardiff. Instead of getting info on the license plat, she gets a report on Captain Jack Harkness. Or, if one can really call it a report when all that’s to be said is that someone by that same name disappeared on January 21, 1941. Hee!

Gwen pulls into Roald Dahl Plass , and finds something far weirder than a chocolate factory or a giant peach – a disappearing Torchwood team. If the place looks familiar, it’s because it’s the same place the Doctor parked the TARDIS in “Boom Town.”

Not only does she have a disappearing team, but also she as an invisible TT-SUV, as the registration doesn’t exist. What she does have is the kindest partner ever, as he walked to Roald Dahl Plass to catch up with her, instead of reporting her severely bizarre behaviour to her superiors. Considering the story, and that somehow the hospital didn’t report any injuries from within that day, Andy nicely takes her home. He’s so much hotter better than Rhys. As Andy goes to take her home, we get a strange view of them through CC-TV cameras.

Making up some lame excuse about a match being on, Gwen tells Rhys she took an extra shift. Why does Rhys believe this? He knows she’s had a head injury and going head to head with riled up football fans isn’t exactly a cure for it? When I lived in Glasgow, on the days the Rangers and Celtics played, I stayed indoors. Not Gwen, no, she hangs around in the cold, at night, at Roald Dahl Plass.

Gwen, who has been earning my disdain thus far, turns it around by coming up with one unique way of finding people, checking with local pizza delivery places. She wanders into Jubilee Pizza (I’ve mentioned them before) and discovers that even though they don’t deliver to Captain Jack, they do deliver to Torchwood. So Gwen tries to infiltrate the organization by bringing them pizza.

Torchwood’s address is listed as a tourist information office in a very seedy looking part of the plass, but what it doesn’t have in architectural styling, it totally makes up for in the hotness of my boyfriend, Ianto. He lets her into Torchwood through a secret door in the office, once she says the pizza is for a “Harkness.”

The contrast of the dingy tourist office and the Hub of Torchwood is apparent. Technology is everywhere. A disembodied hand is kept in a stasis chamber yes I know whose it is. Toshiko and Owen are working on computers that are way cooler than the one I’m typing this recap on. Suzie looks like she’s reenacting a scene from Flashdance, by welding the metal glove she had on earlier. As for Captain Jack, besides just looking damn sexy, he looks damn sexy wandering around the Hub. Although, saying he looks damn sexy, is like saying he’s breathing, or eating as for him, it’s just natural.

It’s all very intimidating, until Owen starts laughing because they were all playing a trick. They’d seen through Gwen’s clever attempt at stealth. It helps though that they were watching through the CCTV. Although, it’s not like Torchwood is particularly good at stealth either, since Owen is the one who always orders pizza under the name of their secret organization.

“I’m a prat.” Owen apologizes.

Oh, and yes, the Canadian airings used the word "prat."  I don't think we'd be allowed to air what he really said.

Gwen is not amused by their little joke and is even more appalled to find out how aptly Torchwood covered up the murder in the hospital and how casually they discuss the idea of bringing people back from the dead. She’s also completely misread them, as she’s now afraid for her own safety, hiding behind her rank as a police officer. Uh, Gwen, sweetie, there’s a match on tonight. If Torchwood wanted to kill you, they’ve got several thousand football hooligans to blame it on.

Instead of killing her, Captain Jack introduces her to the alien form the hospital. Just before heading down to the cell where the alien is kept, she meets Torchwood’s pet, a pterodactyl. I guess their pet cat kept pissing on the carpet?

In the cells, Jack explains that the alien is a Weevil. They’re aliens that usually live in the sewers, eating stuff I won’t mention as no one needs to vomit on their computer screens. Unfortunately, the Weevils have been going rogue, by coming to the surface and attacking. Gwen just stares at it in shock, prompting Jack to tell her to look into its eyes, to see how alien it really is. I think the same instruction goes for Captain Jack.

Introducing the still shell-shocked Gwen to the rest of the team, we learn Owen Harper is a doctor (although “prat” is a better descriptor). Toshiko Sato is a computer genius and Suzie Costello is the second in command. As for Ianto Jones, Jack says he “cleans up after us and makes sure we get everywhere on time.” He also “looks good in a suit.” Amen!

Gwen’s still afraid she’s going to be the Weevil’s dinner for learning all this about Torchwood, but Jack laughs it off, and orders Gwen to come with him. “I’m getting tired of following you.” Gwen says.

“No you’re not. You never will,” Jack replies.

They leave through the alternative exit, the invisible lift. It works because a “Dementionally transindental chameleon circuit… which welded its perception qualities to a spatial-temporal rift” on that exact spot. Sometimes, even technobabble make more sense than just saying, “The TARDIS landed there.”

Gwen’s more concerned that there’s a massive hole in the floor and wonders how people don’t just fall through it. Now that’s something I’d like to request in season two! Any time we need comic relief, just have someone fall through the floor. ("What was that?" "Nothing, just the prime minsiter falling through the floor!" "Again?!")

In a bar, Jack’s amazed that the general populous, even someone supposedly as clever as Gwen, can’t believe in aliens. We get some explanation that Rhys believes it’s because of drugs in the water supply but what Gwen doesn’t realize is that the drugs to alter her memory are not in her water. Jack’s kind and calls her boyfriend stupid.

“Oh, you’ve met him?” Gwen snarks. Sweetie, pot, kettle, get it? When she finally does ask Captain Jack exactly who he is, he avoids the question, by giving her the description of Torchwood with which I began this recap. He won’t answer her question because he won’t admit the truth. So Gwen, listen up: Captain Jack Harkness stays in the one place he knows the Doctor will return to because of the rift. He gets himself involved in catching aliens because it will get the Doctor’s attention. He even dresses in the same style as when he met the Doctor. In short, Captain Jack Harkness could give the Doctor a few lessons on the concept of pining.

Gwen’s also concerned that Torchwood could start using the alien technology they scavenge for their own selfish purposes but Captain Jack scoffs at the idea saying none of it is allowed outside of the Hub.

That is, unless he counts the alien thingy (technical term) Tosh took home, the alien pheromones Owen has (because it’s the only thing that makes him sexy) and the glove Suzie has. Oops. Guess Captain Jack is as good at keeping an eye on his alien tech as Torchwood is at keeping its offices, since Torchwood One was destroyed in “Doomsday.” Torchwood Two is somewhere in Glasgow and while Cardiff is Torchwood three, they’ve lost Torchwood Four. Oops again.

Jack claims Cardiff appeals to him because of the rift in the city, and the various alien things that fall through. Gwen’s still not deterred as she still wants an answer about his past. He takes a different tack, by offending her moral sensibilities. Torchwood doesn’t care about the serial killer; they just want to test the glove, which only works well on people with traumatic deaths. Guess Torchwood will be following the traffic patrol next.

Oh yeah, and Gwen won’t remember a thing as Jack spiked her drink with a drug called Retcon, which will erase her memory of the night’s events. Hee! Retcon! You know this is fiction, as in real life, Retcon doesn’t make anyone forget anything, just accept the new reality for what it is.

Gwen tries to fight off the effects of Retcon by staying awake and typing everything out on her computer, which is promptly erased by Ianto. So, he serves coffee, looks drop-dead gorgeous in a suit, is unfailingly loyal and good with computers? Can you not see why this man is my boyfriend?

While all this is going on, Owen is using the pheromones to be hit on by both a woman, and her boyfriend. Tosh is using the alien thingy to make paper books e-books and Suzie is reanimating flies. These people clearly have no life (says the person typing the recap describing the people who have no life).

The next shot is another required one, other than the Torchwood strut and the TT-SUV driving through Cardiff. It’s the Captain Jack standing on random high roofs shot. I’m not entirely sure why he feels the need to do it, but yet, he does. The look he has reminds me of my dogs when I open up the living room window every morning and they look out to survey their domain (the backyard). For Captain Jack, it’s the whole of Cardiff. (If you’re ever curious as to where Captain Jack is standing, this is an awesome site.)

Gwen’s day is getting off to an even worse start than the day before, as she wakes up with a killer hangover, a boyfriend who has caught her in the lie that she was working, and a colleague who thinks she’s lost it as she doesn’t remember asking said colleague to look up Captain Jack. Only when looking at the board covered with the evidence in the serial killer case, do we get the idea that perhaps the Retcon worked on the Gwen the same way it works on most fans, when producers pull it on us.

She spends the day thinking about the murder weapon and ignoring her partner and her boyfriend. After laying awake half the night, Gwen gives up on sleep and finally the mystery is solved, as she looks at an advertising book for the Millenium Centre. It was the one thing Torchwood couldn’t erase from their safe distance at the Hub. On the cover, she’s written “remember.”

Back where it all began. Gwen wanders around Roald Dahl Plass only to be confronted by Suzie, who has the murder weapon. Suzie explains that a specific image, like the picture of the murder weapon, can trick the Retcon. She’s clearly nervous as to what to do, because she starts digging around in her handbag and pulls out a gun. She confesses to the murders but is running before Torchwood finds her. She claims she did it to test the glove and is upset she has to give up the job she loves. I’m upset as I thought the actress was awesome and she was in one of my favourite mini-series when I lived in Glasgow, so I’m disappointed she won’t be sticking around.

Gwen’s terrified of Suzie’s going postal routine and it’s heightened by the fact she can’t remember where they met. Top that off with Suzie shooting Jack through the head, as the perception filters no longer work on her when he snuck up in the invisible lift, and Gwen panics, unable to see a way to save her own life.

In a twist, Captain Jack stands up behind Suzie, and the bullet wound heals. He demands Suzie give herself up, but rather than be given Retcon, she chooses to kill herself instead.

“I remember,” Gwen mewls pitifully. That’s too bad as she’ll probably want to forget all of it.

For the protection of everyone, my boyfriend locks up the glove and the knife, while Owen and Tosh turn in their contraband alien tech. Suzie’s corpse is put into the Torchwood crypt for safe-keeping. They may need it later.

On the roof of the Millennium Centre, Captain Jack explains one important fact about himself, he can’t die. While Gwen doesn’t understand how it works, we do. When Rose brough Jack back to life in “Parting of the Ways,” it made him incapable of death. A little Time Vortex can do that.

He’s hoping the “right kind of Doctor” can explain it. Gwen, on the other hand, is frustrated as she’s sure Captain Jack is going to wipe her memory again. Instead of that, Jack has a better idea and offers her Suzie’s old job. It’s his way of adding a little humanity back into a fairly jaded team.

Gwen accepts, as she looks over Cardiff. It’s now her domain too. Oh yeah, and so does the pterodactyl. Who thought that was a good idea to let her out during the day?