Rock of Love - "Vegas, Baby!"

I am utterly giddy with excitement for this episode - it had the most compelling teaser I've ever seen (kudos, VH-1.) Lacey declares it's "game on" between she and Heather and Jes and Brandi. Brandi is Lacey's new target, because "she's immature." Pot, meet kettle. Jes thinks things are going to be "interesting." The ladies get their note from Bret - he's got a gig in Vegas and the ladies are tagging along. They're travelling in true rock star style, in a tour bus. Bret thinks it's very important that the gals see the "rock star side" of him - whatever that means. Bret heads off to sound check and leaves the ladies to their own devices at the luxury suite at the hotel. Big John tells the ladies they'll be watching Bret's gig and then spending time and enjoying dinner with him in the VIP suite. The lady that impresses Bret the most (How? Scratch that...I don't wanna know) will get to have a "nightcap" with Bret. John tells the ladies they had better bring their "A game" tonight.

The gals decide to clean up, and Brandi seems to be the first to crack into what I'm sure is an ample supply of liquor in the room. Lacey and Heather conspire to make Brandi crack, because they feel Brandi's just in the game for the rock n' roll party lifestyle. Yeah, and? Brandi plans to get Heather really trashed. Jes doesn't have a plan, but she wants to make sure she doesn't drink too much and make an ass of herself. That Jes is one smart cookie. Lacey plans to show that she's the one for Bret. The gals show up at the gig and park themselves in the front row, while Bret rocks out, "mesmerizing" Jes. We get to hear a song off Bret's new album. Woo hoo. Where's CC when you need him? It was funny to try and see Brandi sing along to a tune she had never heard before. The girls are worked up into a lather and commence to drinking with the band after the gig. Drinking a lot. Well, except for Jes. Lacey is under the false impression that she can drink as much as Bret's bandmates, so she makes a noble attempt to keep up. Brandi is also "chugging and chugging" (I saw a lot of Jaeger being passed around.) Heather is getting annoyed with Lacey. Oh, I can't wait to see what happens next!

Lacey is launching a drunken assault on Brandi. which isn't really working. Lots of stumbling around and slurring. Big John came in and told the ladies to keep it down - and escort them to their dinner with Bret. Brandi tells Heather that Lacey is out to destroy all of the girls - that includes her. A teeny, tiny lightbulb goes off in her head and she figures out that Lacey probably isn't her BFF. At dinner, Lacey climbs up on the bar and acts like "a cracked-out cat" (thanks Jes, you're doing my work for me!) Jes tries to get Lacey off the bar, and Lacey just wants to start a fight - punctuated by Lacey collapsing on top of a bunch of glassware. Bret finally shows up and the gals walk and stagger to the dinner table. Heather just wants to eat already. Bret is slightly pissed that the gals were so tanked. Lacey collapsed at the table and Jes actually tried to help her out (she said she couldn't just sit there while Lacey went through that). Lacey may have barfed (but it sounded like a sound effect, and no one really reacted to it) but she gets carried back to her room by Big John. One down, one to go. Heather, oblovious to what's going on, continues to stuff her face. Brandi's reached her beligerent drunken phase while Heather tries to get her to eat oysters. Brandi makes the fatal mistake of saying they make her sick, which prompts Heather to begin slurping down oysters with great abandon. Of course, this (and the copious amounts of booze) prove to much for ol' Brandi, and she lets flow with the vomit.

Jes plays house mother and takes Brandi to the bathroom. Jes says there's no way she can have a nice dinner with Bret with "two drunk fruit loops and a f'in hungry stripper." Bret and Jes are now with Brandi in the bathroom, while Heather continues to eat (at this rate, she'll be a prime candidate for an upcoming "Celebrity Fit Club", don'cha think?) Brandi tells Bret she loves him, then goes back and says that she could really open her heart up to him. Awww. Bret thought it was the most touching moment of his life. Bret, Bret Bret. Bret decides he wants to spend time with Jes, because she stepped up and helped out the other girls. Heather's upset that she lost, but manages to take a doggy bag back to the room. Bret and Jes made the most of their time together - getting to know each other "inside and out". Hmmm....

The next morning, a very hungover Brandi realizes that she may not be able to hang with the rock n' roll set and says "Bret Michaels is not the one for me" (recounting her declaration of love from the previous night.) Lacey is delighted to hear this. Jes spent the night with Bret - you little vixen, you! Bret sent Jes back to Los Angeles so he could spend time with the other 3 dorkettes. The last 3 get a note from Bret - they are heading down for a little R&R by the pool. Bret takes Heather into a cabana for a hot stone massage. She confesses her intense feelings for him. Brandi is worried that Lacey and Heather will use what she said that morning to throw her under the bus. Brandi uses her time with Bret to try and cover her behind. She turned around what she said, she meant that she didn't feel she was good enough for him. Sure she did. Lacey took the opportunity for her private time to rat out Brandi (ok, anyone surprised at that?) Bret's confused - he isn't sure what Lacey's motives are and he's still on the fence about Brandi's intentions.

Bret knows he has a really tough decision to make. He sends Brandi back to Los Angeles and arranges a dinner with Heather and Lacey. Lacey is happy Brandi's getting sent home but is worried that he thinks she's crazy. Big John takes the ladies down to their dinner - Heather has surpassed my expectations for her dinner attire. Nothing says class like a sparkly animal print minidress paired with obscene amounts of cleavage. Lacey is in "damage control mode." Bret promises a most awesome romantic dinner. Bret asks Heather why she feels they'd "work". She delivers a cliche-ridden answer ("We both have the same type of soul...we're big-hearted...caring...blah, blah, blah....") Bret is on the fence about Heather - he's got trust issues and Bret's had previous run-ins with exotic dancers (due to a phenomenon Bret refers to as "pole emotions".) Heather tries to assure Bret that she's fiercely loyal. Lacey interrupts the conversation and pushes for a one-on-one date, as she's not had one yet. Bret is scared of Lacey's "manipulative-ness" and he doesn't want to date a manic depressive (like Lacey?) Lacey starts talking about her dead mother and the crocodile tears flow again. She manages to manipulate Bret into spending some extra time with her. Heather is pissed and announces her alliance with Lacey is over. Bret and Lacey talk over dessert. Bret doesn't think she's a "malicious bitch" (but everyone else in America seems to think so.) Lacey feels he know the real her. He then takesw her to a rose petal-covered bed for more "bonding".

Gee, Lacey spent the night in Bret's room too. Bret, you slut! Bret is using his "gut feelings" to help him with this elimination. They've done great for him in the past - obviously, he had to go on a reality show to find love. The ladies are assembled for elimination. Jes, of course, gets the first pass. Bret's other bed buddy, Lacey also sticks around. Jes wonders why Bret keeps her in the house (ratings, girlfriend!) It's down to Brandi and Heather. Why is Heather really here? How does Brandi really feel about Bret? Heather rats out Brandi once again and Brandi makes a last attempt to clear her name. But, she finally says to Bret that she can't let her guard down. This pisses Bret off to no end. He doesn't need a wishy-washy lady. Brandi is upset that Bret thinks she didn't care (but she really didn't, did she?) Heather vows to do "whatever it takes" to get her man (how about one - just one - non-stripper outfit? Please?) Next week, Bret meets the gals' parents and Lacey and Heather throw down. Oooh, it's getting so good!