Torchwood: Day One (Episode 102)

This episode begins with one big reminder that Gwen is the normal one in Torchwood. After an evening of bowling, dining and promising sex with Rhys, who, by the way is very supportive of her promotion to “Special Ops,” the couple watch a meteorite fall from the sky. The sex is now out because Gwen’s first day, which was supposed to start the following morning, is starting now. She’s going to wish it had never come.

After the techno-credits, Gwen finds herself traveling in the TT-SUV, and learning, first hand, why I call it the “Torchwood Tricked-out SUV.” It’s got all sorts of surveillance and access to various computer systems that Gwen doesn’t think is legal. Tosh, Owen and Jack all laugh it off because they’re all not normal and we’re supposed to be appalled like Gwen. Yet, I’m not. I want to have some of that in my car.

Owen’s pissed because the “amateurs” managed to get to the crash site before Torchwood. Amateurs: a word which here means “specially trained army personnel.” Jack orders them into the “usual formation” which means “Torchwood Strut” except Gwen missed the memo that it means walking like you’re sexier than anyone else there. In Torchwood’s case, they probably are.

As she’s forgotten her kit in the TT-SUV, she has difficulty convincing the very tough army guys in the tent set up as command that she’s really with Torchwood. It’s probably because she’s still wearing shoes she must’ve stolen from the TARDIS, but Jack steps in to save the day and nicely tells the two tough army guys off for being sexist pigs.

He leads her by the hand down to the crash site, where Owen has deduced that it’s just “standard space debris.” Casually, Own, Tosh and Jack toss instruments back and forth as they take readings, hoping to make it an early night. Hazing the new girl seems to be part of Owen’s job description as he both hits on her and insults her, so Gwen tries to get some revenge by throwing a large chisel at him. The problem is that she’s got terrible aim and hits the meteor instead, releasing some form of gas.

Behind their gas masks, none of the Torchwood team is amused. As for the gas, it floats across Cardiff and possesses a young girl outside a club. Just before that, she was crying on the phone to her boyfriend’s voicemail. After wishing her boyfriend was dead, she asks him to call her back. So let me get this straight, gas, from another world, came to earth to possess hormonal girly-girls? What does the gas want? Shoes? Harlequin romances? Tips for pedicures? Guilt sex?

I guess it wants revenge sex, because the girl, (okay her name is Carys and I really don’t want to keep typing it like I don’t know) gains readmission to the club by kissing the bouncer and then hits on the first single guy she sees. They go into the bathroom to have sex until the guy explodes. I don’t mean like that okay, yes like that, but the guy actually explodes, and then is absorbed into Carys. Okay there is no way not to make that sound like it’s porn, but this is Torchwood, so I’m forgiven, right? Besides, the number of really dirty ways I can describe this event can only be calculated by supercomputers.

The man is now a little pile of dust at her feet.

Back at the hub, Gwen is still apologizing and while Jack and Tosh have forgiven her, Owen’s still giving her a really hard time. She promises to sort it out, musing that gas can’t be that bad. As much as I feel for Gwen at this moment, it’s still a stupid statement.

My boyfriend, Ianto brings the rest of the team the news about the little death at the nightclub.

As the nightclub, Gwen runs into her old partner, Andy. The entire encounter can be described in one word, awkward and Gwen gets out of the situation as soon as possible. It’s unfortunate, as Andy sounded so thrilled for her, but she no longer has time for him.

The bouncer Carys had kissed the night before shows the team the pile of dust on the bathroom floor. The team all stands around amazed.

Jack asks the question we were all thinking; how did the bouncer, who wasn’t in the bathroom, know what happened? Well, Torchwood isn’t the only one with CCTV, and he was reenacting the encounter between the couple, using his hand, up until the moment the man exploded. Turns out the bouncer’s free porn was the anti-viagra.

Jack comes up with the title of that CCTV tape when it’s released on the internet “Came and Went,” after they all watch the video. This is Torchwood, so they will show sex as often as possible, even if it the same clip of the same sex. Only the bouncer and Gwen don’t find the circumstances of the man’s little death very funny. She asks about the girl, but the bouncer, like bouncers at every other club I’ve ever been to, has no idea about his clientele.

As the team exits the club, Jack orders Owen and Tosh to find a body like the dead man’s and stash it in the harbour. This is more shocking to Gwen than leaving the club without a clue how to find the girl. Poor Gwen, she’s new in the ways of Torchwood as she follows Jack, who is using a scanner, out to the alley where Carys was infected.

Luckily, it too has a CCTV camera so they can watch how the sex gas possesses a person. Gwen’s feeling even worse about herself as she realizes Carys’ infection and the man’s death was all her fault.

As Carys’ home, she’s clearly got control of her own body for a few precious moments and is devastated about what she’s done. Her father’s all very sympathetic about what he thinks is a hangover, but I don’t think she’d want to explain the truth.

Back at the hub, Jack is trying to plot the route of the meteorite using a whole bunch of technobabble (actually his word, not mine) while Gwen tries to get to know her new co-workers. She’s in for a shock, as not one of them has a significant other. (Except Ianto, because he’s my boyfriend.) They all claim there isn’t time with their job. What’s that I smell in the air? Could it be foreshadowing?

Gwen gets all smug, and asks the team how they are able to relax (by implying, but not explicitly saying, that not having a significant other makes you a sad loser).

“I torture people in happy relationships.” Owen replies. He may be a prat, but sometimes he’s fricking hilarious.

At home, Carys is crying in the shower. Owen definitely won’t be torturing her.

Gwen’s again getting all self-righteous about Torchwood’s methods, as they have a database that includes every single person in UK. Jack kindly reminds her that she’s one of them now and to quit saying “you.” Unfortunately, they have 119 matches, but my boyfriend, after serving everyone coffee, offers to make Tosh’s life easier by going through each match himself. He makes coffee, looks awesome in a suit, is unfailingly loyal and helps with the chores? Ianto Jones, would you marry me before your list of great qualities takes more than five minutes to type?

Using the CCTV and cross referencing the addresses from the 119 matches, the team searches for Carys. As for the girl herself, she’s suffering from after effects of the Sex Gas, and those after effects look strangely like really bad cramps, as she keeps grabbing her abdomen and bending over in pain. Of course, there is only one way to deal with this, have sex with the mailman. It’s either the way to deal with the Sex Gas, or the start of a really cheesy porn video.

The team arrives just before there’s a sequel to “Came and Went.” Carys tries to make a run for it, but Owen’s broken the “no alien tech outside the Hub” rule and brought an “inflatable alien cell” with him. (Somehow, I don’t think that’s the only thing that’s inflatable at the hub.) Jack deflates the cell with his all-purpose Wrist Assist thing that seems to be capable of doing anything except serve coffee.

Back at the Hub, Jack orders a confused Gwen to interview Carys.

Down in the cells, Carys asks Gwen if she’s with MI-5. Considering she’s in a tech-filled secret office filled with hot agents, it’s a pretty good guess. In a strange interview tactic, Gwen tries to make her feel guilty about the man in the club (whose name, we learn, was Matt Stevens). Umm, Gwen, she’s already feeling guilty, frightened and confused about all this new sexual energy around her. Essentially Gwen, she’s you, except she has the added bonus of Sex Gas possession.

The Sex Gas takes over and tells Gwen that she’s not there to enslave Earth. In fact, she only came for the come. (Okay, I couldn’t control that joke.) Literally, the alien feeds off orgasmic energy. That’s got to be one climactic life, doesn’t it? (Okay, couldn’t control that one either.) The problem is that it’s practically killing the host, Carys, as she’s flung around the cell with her continually worsening set of menstrual cramps. The only way to resolve this is the best way Torchwood operates – by having Gwen and Carys make out in the cell.

Owen’s day’s just been made, as he watches the pair in the cell make out, while he’s working on the computer upstairs. Jack and Tosh join his porn party. After Owen’s musing about Gwen’s boyfriend, Jack says the line that typifies Torchwood’s general attitude about sex, ‘You people and your quaint little categories.”

As Tosh and Jack go to save Gwen from starring in the all-girl sequel to “Came and Went,” Owen records the make-out session for posterity. Again, he’s a prat, but downright hilarious.

Back in the cells, the Sex Gas rejects Gwen because she’s not a man. Let me get this straight, in 21st century Cardiff, the biggest sexual prude in the room is the alien? Of course, I’m no longer sure where the alien ends and Carys begins as she starts pleading with Gwen to help her, as she’s losing the internal struggle.

If there’s anything to suck all the sexual tension out of the scene (no pun intended) it’s a phone call from Rhys. All it does is bring Gwen back to her right mind, and give us a chance to watch Gwen be startled by a Weevil. The interesting thing is that she’s nowhere near as scared of the Weevil like she is of Carys.

Owen gives Gwen’s performance in the cell a standing ovation (not like that) but Gwen is so distraught over Carys’ predicament, that she attempts to strangle him instead. "Strictly speaking, throttling the staff is my job." Captain Jack says, breaking them up. I’m so glad he said that, not only because it gave me one of my favourite quotes on Facebook, but also makes it clear, if it wasn’t already, that there’s sexual tension in the air, between Owen and Gwen. (How, you may ask? Anything involving Captain Jack has sexual tension.)

Of course, the real tension isn’t broken up until my boyfriend arrives with Chinese food. It gives us the chance to see the rest of the team bond with Gwen by asking her what she’s found out about Jack. So far, all the team knows is that Owen thinks he’s gay, Tosh thinks he isn’t and Ianto doesn’t care. I think I need to add non-judgmental to the list of qualities my boyfriend exemplifies. Of course, the conversation about Jack’s identity is quashed when he returns from the bathroom.

Feeling guilty about eating and laughing while Carys is in pain, Gwen’s told that the computers have been working and things are getting done. He wonders what else they could do and I wonder how starving oneself really does anything other than get you an agent in Hollywood?

If anyone’s wondering where the fandom started to go off a little on Gwen, it’s here. She gets all preachy about forgetting what it’s like to be human and Jack dares her to show him. What she comes up with is a collage of pictures and e-mails from Carys’ life, while giving a brief report on the girl’s life. Essentially, it’s like Carys’ life story as told by the inside of her locker in high school.

Gwen justifies her foray into Carys’ life by saying that it’ll keep her fighting. I’m confused as to how the stuff being up on the wall at Gwen’s workspace is going to help Carys down in the cell and Gwen is wondering why Jack is staring at her intensely. “Staring at her intensely” a phrase which here means “Jack would so do her on the desk right now, but covers it up by complimenting her lame attempt at defining humanity in the 21st Century by using swimming badges.”

At least Jack has the good sense to kibosh any plans to bring in Carys’ dad, which is immediately backed up by Tosh, as she’s learned that the alien is one big walking sex pheromone.

Karma has come back to bite Owen on the ass, as he’s found naked in Carys’ cell. The alien escaped using his swipe card. Despite the nature of this emergency, even Gwen takes a moment out to laugh at him.

Upstairs, Carys and Jack chase each other all over the Hub. It’s not really a fair fight, as we know Jack is immortal and all Carys has to show for being possessed by an alien are cramps and being really sexy.

She manages to get the upper hand over Jack, literally by having the upper hand. I mean by taking the hand in a jar. He simply can’t shoot her while she’s holding the hand. He even gets Ianto to let her out, only to have Carys throw the jar against the wall. The rest of the Torchwood team run out to chase Carys, while Jack sits in the tourist office, cradling the hand. I wonder what the Doctor would think of Captain Jack keeping his severed hand in a jar? I’ve heard of locks of hair kept in a locket, but a hand in a jar?

Gwen’s angry at what she sees as Jack’s skewed priorities, but Jack’s not having it. What the team is having is a very gross demonstration of an exploding rat. Why are we having rodents blown up? According to Owen, rat-jam is what’s going to happen to Carys if they don’t find some way of getting the Sex Gas to release its control on her body. I guess everyone in contact with the Sex Gas goes out with a bang. (Yup, just had to say that.)

Out on the street Carys and the audience gets beaten over the head with the way sex pervades society and, according to the team, it’s what she needs most. I find it humourous that the team starts brainstorming about where to look for sex. Somehow, I think their list is going to be a little more comprehensive than Carys’.

She’s gone to see the receiver of the angry phone message the night before. Not only is he married, but also he callously dumps her. Therefore, by the time the team arrives, he’s a pile of dirt. In my opinion, it’s not a big change from his original state.

Jack’s grateful for Carys’ lack of sexual experience, “Work my way through my back catalogue and we’ll be here until the sun explodes.” Yeah, well, that’s in about 5 billion years, so they’ve got time.

While driving around in the TT-SUV, the team’s stuck on two things. The first is that they can’t possibly stop all of Cardiff from having sex. The second is the reason the alien selected Carys, a girl with little sexual experience and a dead-end job as a temp at a fertility clinic filled with sperm donors. Wow, I can’t figure out why the alien, who needs to live off of sex, would pick Carys? It’s too hard for me to figure it out. Eventually the answer with come to me. (I don’t think it’s possible to run out of dirty puns, do you?)

Cut to Carys, who has punched out the night secretary and is now offering to help all the men there with their nighttime deliveries. While the team races to the rescue, several men make their last deposit to the sperm bank.

As they rush the sperm donor clinic, at least the team has a plan. The Sex Gas can’t live in Earth’s atmosphere for long, so if they can get it to leave Carys’ body, it will probably die. The team finds the remains of several men, only to have Owen corner Carys. It’s a good thing the rest of the team was close behind, as we really don’t need Owen to be naked for a second time in this episode.

Carys pleads with Gwen to help her, but only Captain Jack can really help. I’d like to say this was a pun here, but it isn’t. Captain Jack can only save Carys by kissing her. This is definitely another recurring theme in this series.

After kissing Captain Jack, Carys passes out. Stepping in, Gwen offers herself as host, hoping the team can figure out how to save her before she goes all explode-y like the rat in the lab. Oh Gwen, that’s very noble but Captain Jack’s immortal. He can screw Carys until the end of eternity and still be up for more. (I must get mind out of gutter soon, or my brain will be rat-jam.)

Callously, Jack agrees to let Gwen be the host, as it was her fault for the Sex Gas’ release in the first place. (Note to self, mistakes while working for Torchwood are punished in the worst possible way.) The alien leaves Carys’ body and floats towards Gwen.

Just before it possesses Gwen, using the “inflatable cell” Owen used earlier, Jack traps the alien. It writhes about for a few second, but is ultimately unable to survive in our atmosphere.

“Travel across the universe for the greatest sex, still end up dying alone,” Jack muses. Although, when it comes to Jack, that’s not entirely accurate, now is it? In gratitude, Gwen kisses him. The act of simple gratitude confuses him because it is just gratitude.  He's used to it meaning something else.

Carys has a tearful reunion with her father. She’s free of the physical aftereffects of the alien possession, but the mental issues might be there permanently.

Back at the Hub, Gwen is taking down her display on Carys, only to be interrupted by Jack. He asks her to remember that she has perspective, and a life, something not usually synonymous with Torchwood. She asks him who he really is.

If they were honest with themselves, neither can comply with the other’s request.

At home with Rhys, Gwen, her mind still in the Hub, proves my point.