Gossip Girl: Pilot (Episode 101)

I've been so excited about my new recapping gig - eager beaver that I am - that I spent much of the summer with my nose buried in Cecily von Ziegesar's Gossip Girl novels. A steady diet of that is kind of like living on Hostess 100-Calorie Cupcakes and Red Bull, but damn if they didn't grow on me. I eventually came to love those snotty, horny, too-rich, utterly unsupervised Upper East Side kids, flaws and all. *sigh* It's Dillon, Texas all over again, except for the landscape, the weather, the socioeconomic class, and the sorely felt absence of Mr. and Mrs. Coach. Just imagine what wonders Coach T could do with a Waspoid waffler like Nate Archibald. I'll do my best not to compare my two shows too much, but you've got to admit, underneath their surface differences teenagers are much the same, no matter the zipcode. Oh, and speaking of eager beaver...

"Spotted at Grand Central, bags in hand: Serena van der Woodsen. Was it only a year ago our It Girl mysteriously disappeared for 'boarding school'? And just as suddenly, she's back."

Gossip Girl provides its own Veronica Mars Kristin Bell Exposition Fairy in the form of an omniscient narrator who hears all, sees all, and most importantly, tells all via her 'Gossip Girl' blog. Who is she? That's the one thing she'll never tell...I imagine her as a spider in the center of a sticky and complicated web, with gossip-hungry kids tethered to her by technology: their ubiquitous cell phones, crackberries, and laptops. Case in point: the moment party-girl extraordinaire Serena steps off the train, one of GG's myriad sources snaps a photo with her cell phone and sends it off. Within seconds, GG's spreading the word.  
 
Serena's return coincides with a party at the Upper East Side penthouse apartment of her BFF Blair Waldorf. In quick order, we learn that Eleanor, Blair's bitchy mother, is a fashion designer, and that Blair's boyfriend Nate is being steam-rolled by his dad ('Captain' Archibald) into going to Dartmouth, even though Nate says he might like to think for himself for once check out some schools out west. For simplicity's sake, I'll go ahead and share Parental Subplot #1: Later in the episode, Captain Archibald strong-arms Nate into staying with Blair, saying if they break up it might sour his deal to handle the public offering of Bitchy Waldorf's fashion design company. Take one for the team, in other words.

News of Serena's arrival pops up on cell phones all over the glitzy apartment. Once Blair hears the scoop, she decides to "lock it down" with Nate right then and there; they've been dating since kindergarten, but she's been dragging her feet about unlocking her legs going all the way. Unfortunately, she only manages to get Nate out of his shirt before he hears the magical, "It's Serena!" As GG tells us, Nate has a thing for Serena, and I'll confess that I've got a thing for Nate. Chace Crawford is yummy with a capital YUM, and I've got a soft spot for gorgeous guys with gravelly voices who do Bad Things then try to make up for them. See Exhibit A: Tim Riggins. Nate leaves Blair on the bed like a discarded pair of socks and rejoins the party. Just as he makes eye contact with Serena, we hear Justin Timberlake admonishing, "What goes around comes all the way back around." Blair appears, stepping between them and closing the door just enough that Nate and Serena can't see each other anymore. Oooh, that's a great little moment.

After greeting her mother and asking, "Where is he? They haven't let him out yet?" Serena has a fake-hug reunion with Blair, then leaves the party abruptly, causing fingertips to waggle as news of the apparent diss spreads. When Kati & Isobel, Blair's ladies in waiting -- and the show's well-intentioned but overtly obvious attempt to add some diversity to the lily-white cast -- ask if Blair knew Serena was coming back, she says of course she knew, but we all know she had nooooo idea.

The real reason Serena returned? Her little bro, Eric, tried to kill himself by slashing his wrists. That's so much worse than anything that ever happened in the Gossip Girl novels that I'm not sure I can make any comparisons between the TV show and the books -- this is a whole different world. Their mom, Lily, is so ashamed of the situation that she's told people Eric's visiting relatives in Florida and stashed him somewhere out of sight, which may be all you need to know about Lily. Serena doesn't think much of that, but as her mother says, "You've been gone, doing who knows what with God knows who. You have no idea what it's been like." No, but given the state of Eric's wrists, I think Serena can piece together the puzzle.

From Dysfunction Junction, we slide down a few rent districts to visit the Humphrey family, a comparative picture of functionality, except for the fact that the "free-spirit" mom seems to have amscrayed. Hmmm. It looks like this show requires a Missing Parents Chart:

The mom may be AWOL, but the dad, Rufus, is an amiable sweetie, Dan's nice to his little sister, and Jenny seems like a good kid, if a little status-hungry -- she volunteered to hand-address all the invitations to the upcoming "Kiss On The Lips" party in return for an invite. The date conflicts with the reunion of Rufus' old band, Lincoln Hawk, which has just been named one of the 'Top Ten Forgotten Bands of the Nineties' by Rolling Stone. Did I mention that Rufus is quite the handsome man? Quite! He doesn't blow my hair back to the degree that Nate does, but at least I can't get arrested for what I'd like to do to Rufus. Both Jenny and Dan go to the same upper crust (and single-sex) schools as the rich kids, despite Rufus' tendency toward "anti-capitalist rants." Jenny says she and Dan seem destined to be "anonymous losers who eat lunch alone and never go to parties," but I get the feeling their luck's about to change.

Serena, wearing the same clothes she had on the day before and still looking better than most of us on our best days, meets up with Nate outside the Palace Hotel, where her family is staying while their apartment's being renovated. Again. "You know my mom; if it's not broke, break it," she chirps. Before Nate can even approach getting into her pants her, she shoots him down, saying, "I didn't come back for you. Blair's my best friend, and you're her boyfriend, and she loves you. That's the way things are supposed to be." Uh-huh. Who do you think she's trying to convince, Nate or herself? And is there any chance I could interest y'all in an OT3?

We have the dubious pleasure of meeting Chuck Bass (known from now on as Chuck Ass) as he, Nate, and Dan ride the city bus to school. The city bus? Really? No car and driver? No carpool? They take the BUS??! Neither of them seems to recognize Dan, though they all go to the same school. Over at her office on the steps of the Metropolitan Museum of Art, Blair, surrounded by her coterie (including Jenny, who's just delivered the invitations), tells Serena she's not invited to Kiss On The Lips. Serena takes that pretty well, but pushes Blair until she agrees to meet up later to talk. There's a lot said with tilts of the head and pursed lips -- their cultural equivalent of spitting and flipping the bird.

"Spotted on the steps of the Met: An S and B power struggle. Did S think she could waltz home and things would be just like they were? Did B think S would go down without a fight?"

As Dan helps his dad put up flyers for the Lincoln Hawk reunion concert, he tries to sell Rufus on MySpace, saying, "Save some trees -- have a blog!" Hee. Jenny texts Dan a "911" message with an address, so Dan takes off, only to find Jenny at Bendel's department store having a fashion emergency over a dress for the party. She can't afford the dress she's tried on, but thinks she could sew something like it. Taylor Momsen totally holds her own with the big kids -- even though she's youngest of the cast at only fourteen -- but she's doing her line readings reallyreallyfast. Maybe she's nervous? Settle down, sweetheart! Despite your lack of boobitude, you got the job; now relax and enjoy it. Meanwhile, Serena's kidnapped Eric for an hour of shopping, and they show up at the same time Dan comes to Jenny's rescue. You can expect a lot of that on Gossip Girl: as Rufus says later, "It's a small island." Jenny gives Serena a spare invitation to the Kiss On The Lips party that she made while no one was looking, and Serena pays her back by suggesting the dress Jenny's trying on would look even better in black. Aww! They're blonding! I mean, bonding! Dan, who has a big old crush on Serena, despite the fact that, like Chuck Ass and Nate, she has no idea who he is, hides from her behind a rack of dresses. Gosh, I can't imagine why you eat alone at lunch, Dan.

Over in Central Park, Chuck Ass and Nate take a walk, smoke some pot and talk about their feelings. I'll wait while you read that sentence again. Yes, Nate's spilling his guts while Chuck, right there in broad daylight, takes a toke or whatever you kids call it these days. [Actually, I'd kind of like to know -- if you're up on the current lingo, leave a comment below and fill me in. Both pot and beer were readily available at every party I went to from ninth grade on, but I was a freakin' goody two-shoes and never partook. Besides, that was, holy shit, a couple decades ago, which officially makes me a goody-two-shoes dinosaur.] Chuck Ass is probably the most jaded, been-there-done-that-bought-the-Hermes-scarf teenager you'll ever meet; every line drips sarcasm and world-weary ennui. He acts like he was born with a silver roach clip. When Nate asks if Chuck ever feels like they've had their lives all planned out for them, and aren't they entitled to some happiness, Chuck says they're entitled to trust funds, a house in the Hamptons and a prescription drug problem, but, "Happiness does not seem to be on the menu...so smoke up and seal the deal with Blair, since you're also entitled to tap that ass." Uh-huh. Entitle this, Chuck.

I get the feeling the bar at the Palace Hotel sees a lot of break-ups and make-ups, and tonight is no exception, as Serena and Blair have their little heart-to-heart while casually sipping cocktails. Yup, high school students drinking three-olive martinis right there in the hotel bar! I've already seen some pretty vicious diatribes against all the illegal shit these kids get up to, so let me go ahead and say my piece: In my Friday Night Lights recapping, I've been known to stand on a soapbox or two, especially when it comes to underage alcohol consumption, but if I do that here, I won't have time for anything else. So let's get this out of the way right upfront: Teens and booze make a bad combo, unless you want to wrap your car around a tree or crawl around on your hands and knees looking for your underpants some morning after, wondering who what in the hell got into you. If you look back on many of the things you've regretted later, odds are good that your partner-in-crime came in an 80-proof container. At least these New York kids don't drink and drive. When it comes to sexual shenanigans, I tend to be a little less...um...anal. The truth is, teenagers have sex. If that's news to you, I'd like to introduce your forehead to the rock you've been living under. To the teens, I say: Condoms are cheap. Babies are expensive and put a real dent in your social life. So glove up, y'all! And that's all I have to say about that.

Blair and Serena start off a little rocky, but find firmer footing as Blair talks about her parents' divorce: "So my dad left her for another man...she lost fifteen pounds and got an eyelift. It's been good for her." They part on slightly better terms -- "We need each other," Serena says -- paving the way for Chuck Ass to come upon Serena a little worse for the martinis wear. Never one to close the door when opportunity comes knocking, Chuck, whose parents own the hotel, takes Serena back to the kitchen, dismisses the staff, and proceeds to get nasty with her. Not much for hearing 'no', that boy.

What happens next is really interesting. We've got Chuck cornering a drunken Serena in the kitchen at the Palace. At the same time, Nate arrives home to find Blair in his room, all decked out in virginity-losing lingerie. But instead of taking the jailbait, Nate decides it's time to confess something pretty darn important: at a wedding last summer, just before Serena left for boarding school, Nate and Serena had drunken barstool sex. The real thing, the whole enchilada, none of this getting-to-third-base-and-quitting crap. That's right, the deal that could not be sealed with Blair has already been on fire sale with Serena. Scenes of Nate and Serena getting it hotly on intercut with Blair's growing panic and despair as Nate reveals the degree of got-it-on-ness, and Serena's increasing vehemence in trying to get Chuck the fuck off of her. The whole thing feels tawdry and awful, and yet somehow I still find Nate and Serena hothothot together. Does that make me a bad person? "I'm trying to change," Serena says to Chuck. "I liked you better before," he sneers. Serena finally kicks Chuck in the nuts, but not before he threatens to expose her indiscretion with Nate. Yes, Chuck was there the whole time, watching from the balcony above. *shudder* Serena rushes out, bumping into Dan, who's been told by a little sister bird where he might find her. He picks up the cell phone she dropped.

The cell phone leads to an unexpected date for Dan and Serena. When he returns the phone, she uses him as an excuse to get out of the Kiss On The Lips party, telling her mom she's got plans with Dan. He catches on and pulls out a flyer for the Lincoln Hawk concert. After Lily leaves, Dan says, "You'd really go out with some guy you don't know?" Serena cutely says, "Well, you can't be worse than the guys I do know." So true, S. So true.

Over sushi, Blair and Nate (Blate? Nair?) half-heartedly get back together as Blair's brittle insecurity cozies up to Nate's essential passivity.  Nate promises never to speak to Serena again. "It'll be like she doesn't exist," he says. Blair says she over-reacted, and that if he says it's in the past, it's in the past. So, wait, Blair, you'll take back the cheating boyfriend, but not the cheating best friend? Take care you don't trip on that double standard.

Parental Subplot #2 involves Rufus Humphrey and Lily van der Woodsen, who share A History. Serena may be more like her mama than it first seemed, since Lily has her own shady past, this time involving Trent Reznor and the back of a tour bus. Before she married and divorced up a few times, Lily was a rock-n-roll groupie! The scandal! They bicker like people who knew each other well once upon a time, agree they'd just as soon their kids didn't get chummy, exchange snide smiles, and that's all the attention I plan to pay to that.

Juxtaposition time: Jenny's dad comes in, sees her in her party dress, and gives her a hug, telling her sweetly that she looks like her mother. Compare that to when Blair's mother sees Blair in her party dress. Bitchy snits that another dress -- one she'd laid out for Blair -- is a more elegant choice. Then she says, "You'll never be more beautiful, or thin, or happy than you are right now. I just want you to make the most of it." Wow, live vicariously much, Bitchy? She tenderly strokes Blair's hair...then tells her to put in some product; her ends are dry. Grrrrr.

Dan picks Serena up at the Palace, where she stands on a balcony looking down at him like Juliet to his Romeo. They're very cute together; she's all shiny and he's all nervous. He takes her to meet Rufus, which is adorable beyond the telling of it. "You took me to meet your dad on a first date?" she asks, and Dan says, "This is a date?" Aww! And hee!

Finally! It's time for Kiss On The Lips. I'm too far over my word count to get into the drama of what a stupid name that is for a party. The rich kids take a limo, complete with champagne and those funny-smelling cigarettes Nate and Chuck Ass are so fond of. They're all trying a little too hard to have a good time, and since I'm not sure Nate works that hard for anything, he puts his head back and looks pensively out the limo window. Suffice to say that Jenny Humphrey, in her homemade gown, looks uncomfortable, out of place, and just young and nubile enough to catch the eye of Chuck Ass. He plies her with champagne, then pounces, leading her to send another "911" message to Dan. Since he's out on a date with the love of his life, Dan's tempted to ignore it, but another "4REAL" message that mentions Chuck's name makes Serena's antennae stand up, and she and Dan crash the party, where they find Jenny up on the roof unsuccessfully fending off Chuck's reptilian advances. Punches are thrown and harsh words exchanged. Dan takes Serena's hand as they barrel through the throng of partygoers, who are all "ooh" and "aah" over the fact that Serena had the balls to show up when she wasn't invited. I think it's possible that in their circle, her faux pas is perceived as a worse offense than Chuck's umpteenth attempted rape.

Jenny, Dan, and Serena share a cab home. As Dan gazes at her, Serena leans her head against the window and looks out -- a mirror image of the first time we saw her, staring out a train window as it pulled into the city. Looks like the more things change, the more they stay the same.

"Spotted: Serena, making a heroic exit from B's party. Too bad for her there's school on Monday. Until next time -- you know you love me."

There's so much more I could tell you about, like the great music, the pitch-perfect location choices, the clothes...and I've probably given Dan and Serena's nascent romance short shrift. I'll try to make up for all of that next week! GG and I will see you then!

Everything I Need To Know I Learned From Gossip Girl:

Drunk girls are likely to get groped
Appearance is everything
When in doubt, wear black
You never forget your first love, so choose well