Tim Gunn's Guide to Style: Nicole (Episode 3)

This is so exciting! My very first post for Recapist.com, and to kick things off, we've got a special celebrity edition of Tim Gunn's Guide to Style. Yes, that's right, this week Tim Gunn and Veronica Webb will be making over the closet of ... drum roll please ... Thora Birch! It appears her current wardrobe isn't doing quite enough to get her dad hard, so Tim Gunn's been brought in to make some changes.

Oh, wait. It's not Thora Birch. It just looks exactly like her.

This is Nicole Appelman, age 29 ("and a half," she narrates, and it's refreshing to have a woman actually remind you that she's closer to 30 than you think), from Edison, NJ. She's a mom with two children, a schoolteacher, and wife, and she believes she's lost her sense of style. Her wardrobe consists of capris and solid T-shirts. And I cannot emphasize enough that she is Thora Birch.

Thora's sister and husband both complain to the camera about her fashion. Her husband tells us that she doesn't like her body now, because it doesn't look the way it did before she had kids. We're treated to a "before kids" picture of Thora, which, from the looks of it, is also a "before prom" picture of Thora. Listen, Thora, I wish I had the body I did when I was 16, too, but we trade in our teenage years for other things in this life, like financial stability, careers, children, and the opportunity to have sex in places other than the back seat of a Chevy. I know I've made my peace with the process.

Thora is unhappy with her arms and her back fat, and she's tired of putting things like her husband and children ahead of her style. Veronica narrates that "mothers who lose their way fashion-wise is an epidemic problem." Yup. An epidemic. Kind of like AIDS. And if Tim and Veronica can't solve this thing, we're bringing in the CDC.

They call Thora on her cell, as she plays with her kids, to announce that they'll be over in 20 minutes. Thora runs inside and ... changes the baby. Then she puts on an outfit for Tim.

Tim and Veronica arrive -- Veronica is a sailor today! -- and it's time for the painfully boring part of this show (I know what you're thinking: "The one painfully boring part of this show?" I know, guys.), "the contract." I hate that I'm going to have to recap this segment every single week, because it's always the same tune:

1) Tim: "Remember, we are here for support, but you have to make the decisions yourself."

2) Tim: "Also, this is going to get emotional. Because it's really, really sad that you're an otherwise productive, contributing member of society who doesn't dress pretty."

3) Woman cries.

So that happens.

And then Veronica talks about "honoring motherhood." Which is important. But not important like fashion is.

Now we go to Last Week's Outfits, a survey of the fashion wreckage our victim has left in her wake. The photos demonstrate that Thora dresses like, well, a New Jersey housewife. There's a jogging suit for Monday (Tim describes it as "utilitarian," which is priceless), a brown pair of pants and a short-sleeve top for Tuesday, and it's pretty much the same as that all the way through: pants and a top. Thora hasn't worn a dress or a skirt in eight years -- since she had her first kid -- because she feels she's not "tall enough or thin enough" to wear them. Okay, what we need to do is sit Thora down with those 250-pound women who walk around in Daisy Dukes and halter tops and have her explain this to them. Because there are people of whom that statement is totally true. It is not true of Thora. I have a hunch we have some underlying body image issues here that go way, way beyond anything fashion is going to solve.

Her kids and her husband come downstairs to say hi, and Thora's face lights up, because this is what matters to her and this is what should matter to her. Veronica shakes hands with Thora's six-year-old son like she once caught him giving head to her husband. Seriously, it was cold.

Thora tells them she's trying to start her own party-planning business (because the world needs more party planners like it needs more bloggers), and she's just booked her first gig. Tim tells her she has five minutes to get ready for this party, were it hypothetically happening right now. When Thora comes back down, she's ... um ... changed from black capris to black pants. That's it. Tim mentions this. Tim and Veronica strongly agree that they would "under no circumstances" hire Thora to plan a party for them if she were dressed like that. Seriously? They act like this girl came downstairs in a hula skirt and a T-shirt that says "I HATE PARTIES." Like somehow the tediousness of this outfit would most certainly prevent her from getting the caterers there on time.

And it's time to hit up her closet, which, from the look on Tim's face, contains an assortment of naked women. He looks that disgusted.

In reality, it's a bunch of different-colored T-shirts and capri pants.

Tim reminds us that "a woman only needs 10 essential items in her closet." He's brought his checklist, lest he forget them. Expect a book on this soon. We sort through all the clothes, per usual. Some are giveaways, some are throwaways, some are keepers. We're reminded again that Thora likes capris. "I don't think there's a single capri pant left in all of New Jersey," says Tim. Except, of course, for the little white capris Veronica's wearing underneath her sailor suit. Or are those bloomers? It's so hard to tell sometimes.

Tim reminds us that "keeper clothes should be soul-stirring ... I don't think Nicole even thinks clothes can be soul-stirring." You're probably right, Tim. Thora/Nicole probably doesn't think clothes can be soul-stirring. Not like her two adorable children can be soul-stirring. But forget about them. Let's talk about clothes.

Thora displays a spaghetti-strap tank, and Tim mentions that her neck and upper body are really gorgeous. "I feel fat," says Thora, tears streaming down her face, "and flabby." This woman, mind you, would not even qualify as chubby. Veronica interviews that Thora's body image is "impossibly negative." I would describe it as "mandating-actual-therapy-in-lieu-of-Tim-Gunn negative," but that's me.

It's underwear time!!!

This is the point in the show where Veronica goes through the woman's underwear drawer while Tim stands cautiously a few feet back, like he's not gay or something, until he decides he simply must butt in with a few words. In the end, we always decide the woman's bra and underwear must go.

So that happens.

We kick off the next day by going underwear shopping. Today Veronica is a crossing guard, in a bright yellow top with a huge metal star broach. We're taking fashion advice from this woman? We take a minute to pander to Thora's body image issues, and then we start trying on bras. Thora ends up being able to find "pretty, sexy" bras that "actually fit" her gigantic, enormous, waddling size 10 body.

Just to rub things in, back at the office, Tim makes Thora stand in front of a mirror and describe herself. She produces the word "full-figured" several times. Tim comes up with "hourglass" and "proportional" instead.

We get to see Thora's body represented in 3-D on Tim's big computer screen. She rolls her eyes and complains about her size repeatedly. This is getting really old. She's not fat. She's 29 (and a half!) and she's had two kids. So she's not a supermodel. Get over it. Worried your husband's going to leave you for a thinner woman? If there's one thing men just love, it's a woman who constantly complains about how she looks fat. That's a turn-on. Shut up about this, Thora.

Tim recommends she go with a wide-leg pant that falls all the way to the ground and V-neck tops. He suggests she go with skirts that fall just above the knee and come up to the waist. She doesn't seem too psyched on this, and Tim picks up on that. So as a pick-me-up, he brings her to see Laura Bennett -- OMG I LOVE LAURA BENNETT!!! -- that red-headed chick from Project Runway who had like five kids and a sixth on the way and still damn near won the whole thing. Did I mention I love Laura Bennett?

Thora and Laura have a mother-to-mother chat. Thora gets all teary, and Laura reminds her that she has to take care of herself if she plans to take care of her children. Laura towers over her. I love how this woman who feels short and fat is being subjected to the tallest, thinnest women Bravo can find.

Now, Laura gives Thora -- I am not kidding you here -- a huge weighted vest. And then she says -- and I am still not kidding you -- "I'm gonna show you what it feels like to carry all this guilt around." Suddenly, I'm watching Fear Factor. Thora breaks down, like they're about to harness her to a bunjee cord and drop her from a bridge -- which wouldn't entirely shock me at this point -- and Laura assures her this is going to be great for her. But instead of doing something that would be great for her, like sending her to a psychiatrist, they start hanging weights on the vest -- one weight for every activity Thora has mentioned she enjoys doing alone -- and then Thora has to walk around in the vest, with each of the weights representing the guilt she feels about indulging herself. And now we're all going to act like Thora's all better, even though she has this look in her eyes like "I know what you're trying to do. If you want to be a crappy, self-indulgent mother, that's your problem, but you can't make me do it, too."

And in case this wasn't enough, now we've got a video of Thora's son, Jakob, telling Mommy how much he loves her, and how he wants this week to be about her. More tears.

Thora interviews that she constructs her whole life around her kids because "I always want to feel needed," which I guess is a fairly common Mommy problem, and I feel like she's telling the truth for the first time since the cameras started rolling.

We break out Tim's list of 10 fashion essentials again (trust me, there's gonna be a book), and they tell her she's going shopping tomorrow. To get her psyched about it, they've gotten her a gaudy-ass "mommy bag" from NotRational (even the company's website calls it a "diaper bag," although the damn thing retails for $640 -- you can buy a whole kid for that in some countries).

Today is shopping day, and Veronica is a milk maid for the occasion. They've surprised Thora with her sister as a shopping companion. I don't know why they always find someone from the same gene pool to help these people shop. It's like Luke Wilson asking Owen Wilson to help him cope with depression. (Is it too early for Owen Wilson jokes? Nah.)

Their goal is to pick up the 10 essentials. They walk around the department store, overwhelmed, and bring them back to Tim. The sister is dismissed, and Thora begins trying on the clothes. Her little black dress is dismissed out of hand. Her white shirt is described by Tim as "a little milk-maid-y," which is unbelievably funny to me since that's exactly what I thought when I saw Veronica's outfit today, but not nearly as funny as when the close-up reveals that Thora missed a button. Come on, people. What do you think we have post-production for??

For her trench coat, Thora has selected an art smock. An ugly art smock. Tim says -- politely -- that it's "not flattering for you." It goes on like this a little longer. Basically, Thora has failed miserably, and Tim and Veronica hit the racks with her.

She looks a lot better after she puts on what they select, but Tim and Veronica both notice that she just doesn't seem too psyched about it. Because Thora's issues go so, so, so far beyond anything clothes can fix. But we're going to ignore that and just try harder to find good clothes.

We go to see "famous" "designer" Douglas Hannant -- and we get to check out file footage from his Spring 2005 show, so that should drive home just how current and relevant this man is -- and I think Tim hopes to boost Thora's self-confidence by putting her in evening gowns. Thora seems positively horrified at this prospect, and begins to walk up and down the show room in a procession of the least attractive dresses this side of 1984. She finally finds one she loves. I think we've pinned down Thora's fashion sense. And "Forever 21" pretty much sums it up.

Tim refers to the "unbridled joy" he saw in Thora while she was wearing that dress, and I'm about to type that "unbridled joy" for Thora just means "finally stopped freakin' crying" when, low and behold, Thora begins to cry. Douglas Hannant agrees to donate the dress, because no one was going to buy that thing anyway.

At long last, it's hair and makeup time. The stylists plan to give her highlights for the first time in her life, and they cut some layers in. She looks about 8000 times better when they're done with her, and -- for the first time since those kids came down the stairs -- her face really lights up. These stylists to the stars then proceed to do her makeup using entirely Maybelline products. This sort of endeavor always reminds me of the Top Chef episodes when Padma's like "Here's an assortment of food items you would find in a vending machine. Now make haute cuisine." Like, really? Maybelline? I wonder if they're secretly using Bobbi Brown, but Thora's face doesn't really look all that much better, so it probably was Maybelline.

When Thora returns to Tim, though, she's a new person. She does stand taller, she speaks with more confidence, she smiles bigger. Her whole persona is transformed. I swear, people, a few highlights can do for a woman what an entire wardrobe cannot. I think this is because you never have to check the size tag on your highlights.

Tim has another gift for her -- a silver watch from Movado. My asshole ex-boyfriend gave me a Movado watch once. So I hate Movado in general. But this one is spectacularly ugly.

Now it's fashion show time, and Thora's family is gathered for the event. Thora's "dressed-up work" outfit is actually really cute, but the hair and make-up make the biggest difference. Her "out to dinner" outfit is a simple pink wrap top and denim pants, but she does look lovely. Her "running errands outfit" would be perfect, if it were her "running errands in 1955" outfit. It's a spaghetti-strap black-and-white patterned dress with black pumps. It's almost anti-utilitarian. But it is cute.

Now Tim asks Thora: "Wanna get into your really special look?" And he says it with such unwarranted sexuality in his voice that I'm fully prepared for this woman to come out in a latex catsuit. Instead, Thora enters the room in her Forever 21 dress from Douglas Hannant. Honestly, my roommate and I both groan audibly from the couch. I mean, maybe it's just not coming off well on camera, but this thing looks really cheap, not to mention unflattering.

But Thora has "a totally new outlook now, on the future," they toast to her continued success, and it's time for another surprise. It's Laura Bennett! Again!! (Hey, they didn't say it was a new surprise.) She's carrying something on a hanger. Please, God, let it be the weighted vest. Eh, it's not. It's a simple black dress from the Laura Bennett line, and everyone is very excited about it.

Now, a few weeks later, we get to check in on Thora's progress. She's wearing skirts. She's finally throwing a kid's birthday party (that she's been "planning for so long" -- okay, how long does it take to plan a backyard birthday party for a kid?). She's wearing the Laura Bennett dress (she had it altered). Tim and Veronica note how great she looks now, she thanks them, and we're out.

See you next week!