Doctor Who: Utopia (Episode 311/3011)

Recapping this episode has been a bit of a time paradox for me. “Utopia” begins after the end of the first season of Torchwood, which, technically, hasn’t aired yet in North America. Yet somehow, I know this and the rest of the audience are expected to know this.

The scene opens with the TARDIS materializing in Roald Dahl Plass in Cardiff. I know the Doctor is supposed to be very knowledgeable in his history, but if he had any idea what’s going on in Cardiff these days, he’d never go to there again for fear of the show no longer being appropriate for younger children.

Despite the goings on at Torchwood 3, Cardiff does have some advantages. The rift in space and time is the perfect place for the TARDIS to recharge. It gave us “Boom Town” and Gwenyth.

There are also a few downsides to Cardiff. The Doctor claims the TARDIS will only take a few seconds to recharge but I’m not entirely sure that’s true. Why? He looks really worried when he sees the figure of Captain Jack Harkness (I admit, squeeage did occur at his appearance) running towards the TARDIS. In response, the Doctor quickly tries to get the TARDIS out of Cardiff.

Unfortunately, he fails, and the TARDIS starts planning its own route in time to the year 100 Trillion, literally the end of the universe. With the image of Captain Jack, clinging to the outside of the TARDIS, traveling through the time vortex, thus begins what arguably could be the slashiest episode ever.

Unfortunately, before we get to the credits (which does include John Barrowman’s name); we have to see some weird people with bad dentistry and odd facial tattoos and piercings. Strangely enough, I think the Doctor would be happier to see them than he was to see Captain Jack.

Back with the dentist-deprived, they’re hunting a regular looking human. Watching from, well, we’re not entirely told where yet, is Sir Derek Jacobi and his assistant, the bug girl Chantho. These two couldn’t be more opposite. He drinks coffee. She drinks internal milk (lets not think about that, shall we). He speaks eloquently and with resonance that earns you the word “Sir” in front of your name. Chantho has this annoying habit of adding “Chan” to the beginning of her sentences and “Tho” to the end. He’s a male and she’s a bug. What they do have in common is that they are both working towards the same goal, and Captain Jack would sleep with either of them (although, that really could be said of anyone). In short, Captain Jack is the great equalizer.

Someone calls in looking for a report on the “Footprint.” Essentially, what follows is some technobabble and two important pieces of information. The first is that Chantho and Professor Yana (AKA: Sir Derek Jacobi) are quite good at lying through their teeth and that Professor Yana has auditory hallucinations of the sound of drums. (Hey, wouldn’t that make a good episode title?)

He’s pulled out of his hallucination by the appearance on radar (so not commenting about the state of humanity if we’re using radar 100 trillion years from now) of the TARDIS.

Speaking of the TARDIS, Martha is taken aback that the Doctor doesn’t know what’s outside. At first debating they should go back, the Doctor’s inevitable desire to explore wins out and they run with glee out into the unknown. David Tennant totally wins this year’s award for goofiest yet endearing grin.

They step out into a dark, abandoned part of the Welsh countryside end of the universe, only to find a dead Captain Jack. Martha’s first response is pretty standard; rushing to help, but the Doctor is clearly less than trilled about the hitchhiker and does nothing to help Martha.

Once she pronounces him dead, which I’m sure Captain Jack always waits to happen prior to waking up, he starts gasping for air and immediately does what Captain Jack does best; he hits on Martha.

“Oh don’t start!” The Doctor chastises Jack.

“I was only saying hello!” Jack snaps back. Only back together for 20 seconds and they’re bickering like an old married couple.

The auspicious beginning is followed by the mother of all awkward conversations. The Doctor asks if Jack’s had work done. Jack’s all “hello, new face and a nearly a decade off” to the Doctor. The small talk jumps into recriminations about the Doctor ditching him during “The Parting of the Ways.”

Poor Martha is stuck with nothing to say, but when she’s already feeling insecure over the Doctor’s casual dismissal over leaving Jack, the next topic of conversation makes her feel worse, now it’s all about Rose. Once the Doctor reassures him that Rose, Jackie and Mickey are safe, there’s a huge hug between the Doctor and Jack, and there’s Martha, left out again.

On a side note, I have to say that the working in of the techno score for Torchwood into the orchestral score for this show, is amusing my inner music geek.

We get some exposition, after a brief flash of the human running from the dentist-deprived, about what happened to Jack. Using is Vortex Manipulator, the real name of what I call his Wrist Assist to go back in time to look for the Doctor, Jack got the timing a little wrong and wound up in 1869. Hmm, what an interesting date, I think I’ve heard that date before. Considering Jack then goes on to say he based himself at the time rift to increase his chances of meeting up with the Doctor, I’d say there was a good chance Jack nearly caused his own time paradox on a couple of occasions.

he Doctor is affronted to Jack calling his Wrist Assist “Time Travel,” as if it’s on par with the TARDIS. All right boys, if you’re going to argue like this all the way through, just pull out the ruler and let’s measure. Really, I’m not kidding. Let’s see if Billie Piper was kidding about the “Ten Inch Tennant” nickname.

Martha’s not as surprised by Jack’s age as she is by the Doctor’s blasé response to ditching Jack. “Do you just get bored of us one day and disappear?” She asks. Oh Martha, you need to meet Sarah Jane Smith. As if her day couldn’t get any worse, she learns the practically, in the eyes of the Doctor, sainted Rose, was blonde.

“We’re at the end the universe, the edge of knowledge itself and you’re busy – blogging!” The Doctor exclaims in frustration.

Well, we do know Martha’ blogs and I could totally see Jack doing it as well.

They come upon an abandoned city, which the Doctor has to prove his ability to use a thesaurus by using a whole bunch of synonyms to describe it, including conglomeration. Before the Doctor can go into a full-out English lesson, he at least explains why it’s so dark. At the end of the universe, somebody turned off the stars.

Jack figures the planet they’re on must have some way of maintaining an atmosphere or else they’d all freeze to death. The Doctor says significantly, that only he and Martha and can really do the whole freeze and death thing. With that, Jack realizes the Doctor’s known he’s immortal all along, and left him anyway, without giving him a reason.

Before things can be fully hashed out, the trio is distracted by the human hunt and run to help.

Jack catches the human prey and points his gun at the dentist-deprived but is stopped from shooting at them when the Doctor orders him not to fire. Instead, Jack fires into the air. Oh the things Jack will do for the Doctor. I think he’s the only one in the universe that could stop him from firing as Captain Jack is certain racking up the body count at Torchwood 3.

Before they can actually do anything useful, like say, help, their escape route back to the TARDIS is cut off and they guy they’re trying to rescue has to rescue them. He’s trying to make it to “the silo” where he’ll be safe. After a quick vote (a phrase which here means they don’t want to die) they all run to the silo. The price of admission is this – they have to show the guards their teeth. There’s a British dentistry joke in here somewhere but damned if I can find it.

Once everyone is safe inside, the guards fire on the dentist-deprived, without a word of protest from the Doctor. He claims it’s because the guards aren’t his responsibility. “And I am? That makes a change.” Jack responds. Ouch. I think someone carrying both a torch and a grudge.

The prey is relieved to be safe in the silo but even happier to learn that he’s arrived at the right place if he wants to go to Utopia. When is humanity ever going to learn Utopia is unattainable? Someone else who is quite happy is Professor Yana, as the news The Doctor, which Yana takes to mean is a scientist, has arrived. Considering the trouble they’re having doing, well whatever it is they’re doing, he could definitely use the help.

As for the Doctor, he has to rely on the humans going out for the last water collection to pick up his TARDIS.

As for the human prey, he’s looking for his family and is pointed in the direction of the silo’s paperwork manager, the most adorable kid at the end of the universe (not that there’s much competition) Creet.

Looking for the man’s family, the trio is escorted through the future equivalent of a refugee camp. The Doctor calls humanity indomitable (yeah, because our goal is to live through everything only to be stuck in squalor at the end of the universe). Even in the middle of all that desolation, Captain Jack still finds someone to hit on.

“Stop it,” The Doctor says irately and Jack does. He’s so well-trained. Fortunately, Jack does get some contact, even if it is only stopping the Doctor from falling down the big shaft in the middle of the complex which holds a massive rocket. At this moment, Jack’s probably grateful for the Doctor’s bad habit of walking through doors when he has no idea what’s on the other side.

They realize all the people gathered are passengers headed to Utopia. Again, I shake my head at the idea that the title of this episode wasn’t a big enough giveaway.

Professor Yana arrives, first mistaking Jack as the Doctor, but once the mistake is rectified, he takes the Doctor by the hand (Warning: Big clue here!) and leads him to his laboratory. In the excitement, they miss that one of the dentist-deprived has managed to sneak into the silo.

When they arrive and Professor Yana is explaining the set-up to the Doctor, Chantho is immediately smitten with Captain Jack, as if we needed any more proof of his universal appeal.

“Stop it,” the Doctor warns.

“Can’t I say hello to anyone?” Jack asks. It’s a reasonable question.

Meanwhile, the Doctor is, at first, confused by all the technobabble but is then distracted by Martha when she finds, after snooping through Captain Jack’s backpack, the Doctor’s hand in a jar.

Martha’s completely grossed out by the whole hand in a jar thing which makes me wonder how she ever got through anatomy classes in medical school. The Doctor tries to explain, through the use of flashback, about losing his hand in “The Christmas Invasion” but she’s still creeped out over the fact he grew another hand.

The discussion prompts Professor Yana to ask the Doctor’s species and the Doctor is depressed to find out that there isn’t even a whisper of the Time Lords at the end of the universe. As the whole hand in jar (which I have to say is less creepy than the SNL song by Justin Timberlake) moment is so awkward that Chantho, who still has the annoying speech patterns but is rather sweet and very dedicated, tries to alleviate the tension by saying that she, like the Doctor, is also the last of her species. Her conglomeration died.

“Conglomeration, that’s what I said!” The Doctor is so pleased at his own large vocabulary he forgets the social niceties, like expressing regret at the extermination of a species. Jack promptly reminds him.

Poor Martha is still stuck back at the whole hand in a jar.

Back to the actual plot, Professor Yana tells us the dentist-deprived are actually called the “Futurekind.” In order to avoid all of humanity becoming crazy cannibals, they have to make it to Utopia. Unfortunately, Professor Yana and Chantho are the only two that have enough knowledge to try and get the rocket to fly. There’s been a message, broadcasting for years, telling all humans to go to Utopia. It may be the only place left where humans can go, or it may not, but it’s certainly worth a look.

As the Doctor is struck with wonder over humanity’s ability to explore, Professor Yana is hit with another bout of drumming in his head. Are we saying that trillions of years in the future, humans have lost the ability to produce Advil?

Recovered from his sudden attack the Professor gets back to work, but the Doctor’s realized the rocket is never going to fly. In an attempt to help, (after handing his trench coat to Jack, which I have to say, probably doesn’t help any non-slashy claims) he does something extremely technical (a phrase which here means uses his sonic screwdriver) and gets the malfunctioning rocket working.

Yay! A montage! All the refugees are ordered to take their seats on board, while the Doctor, Professor Yana, Martha, Jack and Chantho, are frantically working in the lab. The truck comes back from collecting the water and the TARDIS, while the dentist-deprived watch with keen interest. There’s a brief scene where Martha says good-bye to Creet, who is all excited about his trip to Utopia as he’s been told “The sky is made of diamonds.” Usually, I would only record something hilarious the Doctor says or something significant. I’m guessing you can figure out which one this is. All the while, no one is noticing the one with really bad teeth skulking around.

Back in the lab, the Doctor is marveling that Professor Yana built the entire launch system out of “food and string and staples.” Oh my God, that’s it! Professor Yana is really MacGyver in disguise!

A mutual adoration society commences. The Doctor admires the Professor. The Professor admires the Doctor. The sad part is that the launching system has to be done manually which means that the Professor will make it possible for everyone to get to Utopia, but will not be able to go there. So let me get this straight, Professor Yana is both MacGyver and Moses?

In case we needed another hint how dedicated a companion friend Chantho is to the Professor, she also refuses to leave as she won’t go without him. Refusing to let the Professor remain, alone, the Doctor offers him a ride out on the TARDIS but the sight of the ship sets off another military tattoo in Yana’s head.

The Doctor uses the TARDIS to boost the power to the rocket and I cringe at the sight of the open TARDIS door. You’d think by now the Doctor would know that’s a really bad idea.

Chantho’s the one who alerts everyone to Professor Yana’s failing health, but he insists it’s just a headache. He just can’t get rid of the sound of drums. Again, that would make an excellent episode title.

Martha and Chantho are sharing their common predicament. They are both with men they adore but don’t even know they exist, in that way. In a cute moment of liberation, Martha convinces Chantho to speak normally – even though in her species it would be considered rude. All right, despite the annoying language affectation, Chantho is adorable.

As the “footprint” needed to start the rocket is set, we learn that stet radiation is what makes it function. This is extremely deadly to any human, unless properly clothed, or the dentist-deprived messes with the system. They execute the dentist-deprived but not before Jack electrocutes himself and the poor man sent in to set the footprint become ash.

Martha gives the apparently dead Jack mouth-to-mouth, until the Doctor stops her. The Doctor has an idea about how to set the footprint, even though it will kill anyone who enters the radiation-filled room.

“Was someone kissing me?” Jack asks when he awakens.

Jack and the Doctor run to the footprint room, and Jack promptly starts taking his clothes off. People everywhere lean a little bit closer to their televisions. Why does Jack do this? Because he looks good.

Jack finally asks the Doctor how long he’s known that Jack can’t die. The Doctor admits he’s known since abandoning him on Satellite 5. He talks about the ways he should’ve died which include: trampled by horses, falling off cliffs and a stray javelin. He should exchange notes on ways to try and kill oneself with Claire Bennet.

The Doctor reveals the real reason he left Jack, because he’s wrong. In a universe with fluid time-wimey space balls, Jack is a fact that cannot be eliminated. Now there’s a philosophical debate that could go on for all eternity, the concept of what constitutes a fact. It’s one that’ll certainly never be resolved through popular belief on Wikipedia.

As Jack sets the footprint and the conversation continues, overheard by Martha, Professor Yana and Chantho. While Martha learns the real reason why the Doctor is pining over his lost Rose, by hearing how she was suddenly cut off from him forever, Professor Yana hears terms such as, “TARDIS,” “Daleks,” “Time Vortex,” “Time War,” and “Regeneration” and they echo in his head.

In case we ever needed proof of Jack’s pining for the Doctor, his Doctor, Jack uses his catchphrase, “Fantastic” with all due reverence. Between Sir Derek Jacobi, David Tennant and John Barrowman, we’re getting the best performances of the year and that’s hard for me to say considering the appreciation I have for “Human Nature” and “Family of Blood.”

Chantho and Martha try to comfort Professor Yana, who is clearly feeling old and outdated. He pulls out his old pocket watch, which he believed never worked. He’s only carried it because he was found with it many years ago. He has no memory of what happened to him beforehand. Martha, on the other hand, realizes that the watch is working just fine.

As the rocket prepare to takes off, Martha runs to the Doctor to tell him that the Face of Boe was right, “You are not alone.” Someone needed to tell the Face of Boe that it would’ve been nice if her were a littler clearer in his message instead of giving a mnemonic device.

At first, the Doctor rejects the idea, but Jack does accept it. There’s a reason the previous two sentences are in the same paragraph. If ever the Doctor came close to a nervous breakdown, it’s this moment. He screams at Martha, terrifying her and surprising Jack.

The Doctor’s always believed he was the last one and I have to say, I’m glad they did it this way because I’d be mightily pissed if they just made the Ninth Doctor wrong just for the sake of a new storyline. Martha says that the Professor couldn’t really see the watch, but the audience now knows he can.

As the rocket takes off and the Doctor realizes the Yana acronym, the Professor opens the watch and is restored to his former Time Lord self. Of course, who are the only two Time Lords capable of surviving the Time War – the only two capable of thinking outside the rules set on Gallifrey, the Doctor and the Master. Usually, I would link to something here, but I can’t without giving away the end of the season.

Only once the Doctor is sure the rocket is safely off, does he rush back to the lab but it’s too late. The kindly professor is gone, replace by the calculating Master who has not only locked the Doctor, Martha and Jack out of the lab but also opened the gates to the dentist-deprived. In a desperate attempt to stop the madness, Chantho threatens him, but she doesn’t have the heart to follow through and the Master electrocutes her in retribution for never asking about the watch. Afterwards, he reaches out and touches the jar holding the Doctor’s hand, in both triumph and gratitude. If it weren’t for the Doctor’s arrival, he might have died as the professor.

Our heroes are trying to avoid becoming the dentist-depriveds’ lunch, have finally made it back to the lab and are begging to be let in. The Master laughs at the humans’ silly plans for Utopia and starts getting ready to steal the TARDIS. In her last actions before dying, Chantho shoots the professor. Obviously, someone took Donna’s lesson to heart that Time Lords sometimes need people (or, in this case an arthropod) willing to stop them.

Using his gun in a way the Doctor would approve of, Jack manages to break the lock on the lab door. Regrettably, it isn’t soon enough, as the Master manages to lock himself into the TARDIS. Not even the Doctor’s key or sonic screwdriver can open the door.

While Captain Jack and Martha try to keep the dentist-deprived out, the Doctor begs the Master to let him into the TARDIS. He insists everything’s changed and I would agree. You can’t help but feel a little sorry for the Doctor that he’s so desperate for contact with his own kind, that he’d beg his mortal enemy for company.

While the Doctor is begging outside, the Master is ranting inside about being killed by a girl, an insect. Somehow, I think he sees those two things as synonymous. With that, he regenerates into John Simm a newer, younger regeneration.

He awakens with an evil laugh, and having stolen the Doctor’s hand in a jar, his own personal Doctor-detector. If I really wanted to be slashy, I’d reference the Justin Timberlake song again and how the Master might prefer it.

The Doctor’s still in shock and still begging the Master to stop. To prove his dominance, the Master demands the Doctor call him by his proper name.

Using his sonic screwdriver to mess up the controls of the TARDIS, the Doctor doesn’t prevent the Master from disappearing, leaving himself, Jack and Martha in a very tenuous situation.

Of course, we’ll have to wait until next week to find out how they save themselves. Cliffhangers, got to love them!

Not really. They sort of stress me out.