America's Next Top Model: The Models Go Green (Episode 902)

Previously - There was a ship. The usual fun and games. Ebony's a bitch because Mom does crack. Heather has a condition. Victoria's smart and prone to seasickness. Lisa's a pole dancer. Mila's too happy. Tyra got a faux bikini wax. And so forth....

Was Gossip Girl a howl or what? Those are some dramatic 30-year-old teenagers! Oh, yeah, "ANTM". Mila's saying how cool this all is and how it's the "perfect opportunity" for her. No one's this happy. Behind that smile is either a raving bitch, or a supermarket hostage taker. The girls are back in L.A. Lisa was in foster care for six years and stop making the foster care system look like it leads to pole dancing, They meet up with Mr. Jay in some mall-type area catering to fashion. They are led to their new vehicle, which is a mini-bus that's a 100% BioDiesel. That's nice and all, but you some of those girls are like "where's the damn limo"? Mr. Jay informs us that Tyra wants to call attention to "the environment" and that "Top Model is going green". Sweet. If Tyra's dumb show can single-handedly prevent New York from flooding and India from having hail, and Russian tankers washing up next to libraries like I saw in that kickass movie, I'm impressed.

Mila says it's really important to be aware "what keeps our Earth good". This has been your model One To Grow On. The More You Know, with Mila! Shut up, Mila! This show is what keeps the Earth good. The bus is tacky as hell with a big portrait of Tyra at the back to remind you that you ain't a model yet, girl. THIS is a model. One of the models, who to me seems doomed to be kicked off first because they always pick one to shoot into space right away, remarks that she thinks the seats are made out of "recycled tires or something". Which indicates that there's a brochure explaining the features of this environmentally sound vehicle but she just skimmed through it, through it aside and went back to discussing who's rooming with whom at the house. Way to care.

Tyra Mail read by the ever more irritating Mila, who's not allowed to represent my urea anymore (yes, I spelled it with a "U"), Something about green. Lisa looks like Mila came down with the rock to read two tablets from God. If she starts that whole fainting and talking in tongues and playing with rattlesnakes thing, I'm over her. It's just Tyra. The house is dope, and has a kind of jungle theme. There are a lot of portraits of Tyra and Jaslene. I guess the theme is Tyra and Jaslene in the jungle? That's weird. The girls all look to have to sleep in one big dorm type room. Ugh. I would hate that.

As the girls bond, cue Tim Burton/Danny Elfman theme music as we visit in with Heather as she intones, "I was not a normal child". Oh here we go. Is that you, Winona Ryder in "Beetlejuice"? There's a weird moment when al the girls get in the bathtub in their bikinis. Are we appealing to the wank audience now? Kimberly talks about how she loves to make the other girls laugh by starting lesbian orgies. Saleisha, Bianca, and Lisa take part in some Tyra mockery. "You even do the blink like she does!" Yes, but can you make a girl talk about her crackhead mother and weep like she does? Amateurs. Bianca mock-wins and calls Lisa "bitch" and then cut to Bianca camera-testifying that Lisa doesn't have what it takes to be America's Next Top Model. We cut to sepia tone and Lisa giving a lap dance to the other girls' horror/amusement. You can't tell me that none of the girls from years past never gave a lap dance at some point in their career. Get real, Bianca. Chantal can't believe the view and she's weeping over it. Can you Chicken Soup for the Soul it later? We got a show to do!

The girls' first photo shoot will be an anti-smoking campaign. Is this going to be the preachy season? Because I'll take my Virgina Slims, pork rinds, and grain alcohol and leave. In my giant SUV. And I won't be car-pooling. Mr. Jay talks about how smoking is seen as "glamorous" and I PRAY that the girls will have to re-enact that campaign from the 70's with that homeless woman with the cigarette in her toothless mouth that says "Smoking Is Glamorous". Did that woman sign a release? It was way before everyone got so litigious so probably not. She probably died on some sewer grate somewhere while her image was on "The Brady Bunch". Couldn't Ladybird Johnson have gotten involved?

Some of the girls look uneasy because you know they're smoking three packs a day. It's what models do! It's either that or finger down the throat time. Ok, the first one up is Ambreal and she has to show lung cancer. So it's her bleeding out her mouth into a tissue. And screeching tires and brakes sound. What? I hope cancer patients put Tyra's ass on blast for this travesty. When did the fun go out of modeling? Is the next shoot torture porn? Jenah, you have five minutes to dig that key out of your skull to unlock the garbage compactor we put Mila in. Jenah, did you hear us? Jenah? Oh. Then we get baldness from chemotherapy. I'm depressed. Luckily we cut to the Heather subplot, which involves her looking beautiful and staring at things and freaking the other girls out. Which I like. Mila gets losing hair from chemotherapy and uh, she's laughing and I have to agree with her. They did this ridonkulous makeup job on her. I can't believe I'm agreeing with Mila on something. It looks like Carrot Top got caught at Chernobyl. But Mila KEEPS laughing and Mr. Jay isn't amused.

Our other storyline, "Bianca Hates Lisa", phones in. Lisa is testing sad faces and Bianca feels she's "phony". And you know there's no bigger insult on a reality television program then "bitch is acting fake". Heather and Saleisha had to pose together and I think the smoking aftereffect was depression? Ok. Anyway, they didn't click and it was noticeable. Saleisha told Heather that she wasn't putting out enough. Would she say the same thing to a chick in a wheelchair? Shut up, Rihanna. Lisa and Bianca have outed their hatred of each other and engage in some bitchy banter from the makeup chairs. They allude to Naomi Campbell cell phone throwing at each other. And there's talk of foreheads as targets.

Lisa wants smart Victoria (she goes to Yale, you know) to practice her look with her. Victoria declines and says she's going to wing it. She accompanies this with a snap as if it's some kind of sassy ghetto move. Ok. Lisa looks disappointed. Is Lisa the wannabe model version of the Cable Guy? I can't figure her out now. I think my initial estimate of the sweet girl might be wrong. She might actually be the cycle crazy. Stay tuned. Someone's messing with Ebony because she rolls up in something Diana Ross wore in Central Park in 1981. It's like a gold lame Lynda Carter isn't Wonder Woman in this scene cape thingy. I love it. They might have snatched it off Karen O. She even gets some funky disco love musik. Heh. The editors are funny. Then she has to play collapsed lung with an oxygen mask on her mouth. I feel like John Waters was responsible for this segment. Ebony tells Mr. Jay that she feels like when she was herself the other girls didn't like her. "Well, who cares?" Mr. Jay asks. Way to reverse Tyra's conditioning. Bianca has gingivitis and it's nice to see her makeup represent her personality. Bianca tells everyone how good her shoot was and Lisa looks disgusted/worried. Disworried? Lisa connected with her facial tumor, says Mr. Jay. There's more Bianca/Lisa mess. This time they clash in front of all the other girls.

All the yelling annoys Heather. Me too. Bianca doesn't see Lisa as her competition, and she calls her out for being a stripper. Lisa loses this one because she starts bawling. She needed to skip the tears and immediately refer to the magenta bangs. That's your first step. You probably make more money then her stripping anyway. Victoria hates "that whole world" of cat fighting. You know she's referring to black women. Yale is racist. Bianca is sadistic and keeps the fight going, asking Lisa if there's anything she wants to call her out on. Just savor the victory back at home.

Later on, these two chicks are once again communicating their hatred in front of everyone else. This time in the hot tub. I would completely avoid these two crazies if I lived there. If I saw them coming to work their problems out if front of me, I'd fake being on a phone call. Bianca is a stone cold killer, and apologizes to Lisa but reveals that she isn't actually sorry. She just doesn't want her comments to Lisa to "come up at panel". She's watched this show. Go on, Magenta! Meanwhile, back on the "Edward Scissorshands" front, Heather is sitting outside staring into space holding a stuffed monkey. And Chantal feels she's not going to make it. Well, everyone just give her some space and we'll see! Damn. Chantal probably takes handicapped spaces at every turn.

Heather has to go before a panel of tramps and explain what her condition is. Mila: "So, do you like see the world differently than me?" Good lord. I hope we all do. Mila camera-assholes that Heather is weird but Mila herself is open-minded and she gives everybody a shot. SHE HAS A CONDITION. It's not weird because she wants to stand out, ya dumb bitch! You're not allowed back in Boston. These girls are kinda vicious this cycle and are talking about her and you know who we need? Jael. Jael's crackhead self woulda been Heather's best pal. She probably woulda gotten Heather strung out on the crackrock. But still, you've got a friend now, Heather.

Ms. Jay shows up. He looks almost butch. Ok, no he doesn't. He looks like the lesbian aunt from a seaport town. But it's a start. Anyway, he informs the girls that this cycle they're going to head off the vague accusations at panel of "not looking like a model". I say vague because it's always a weird accusation on the part of Tyra and the team. They sorta want the girls to wear very plain clothes, but still look glamorous. Like - wear a black tank and fitted jeans but still look ready to go on the cover of "Vogue". Who can do that? Anyway, Ms. Jay's taking them down to the Old Navy. YAY! I'll be at the clearance rack in the back, sweeties! God, I love me some Old Navy. Cheap ass clothes that I can afford and you can't wash them because they will fall apart in the machine.

BENNY NINJA! BENNY NINJA! Fresh from a vogueing battle! He's got all the clothes in the store on! Remember he doesn't fit in his bodysuit because the AZT takes a toll? Old Navy is the perfect place to find a model outfit, says Benny. I always knew that I was a model! Heather "doesn't know what trendy is," says one of the tramps. That's probably a good thing in life. Unless she's rocking scrunchies. Benny keeps popping up all over with his stopwatch. God, I LURVE him. He's encouraging the girls to go for color! Which we know is a trick. Bianca knows this. Why is Ebony running around in her squirrel covers? Stop. Benny leaves. Bye Benny, come back soon!

Lisa tells Mila that she feels like she's proud of herself for making it on the show. Mila is chowing on cereal and has a shifty look like she's worried Lisa might ask to borrow money. She is such a false front, this one. Then she camera-dumbbells how she definitely "wants to continue the competition". She was thinking of leaving? To chase rainbows? More like go home and kick her dog. You know she's that type when no one's looking. Kimberly, who previously claimed she was "fun", reveals herself to be a straight-up bitch when she mocks Heather along with Ebony and says that she's worried Heather will cling to her. Because "people like that" cling. For real? I hope Kimberly breaks down by the side of the road someday and even Jesus drives by her and flips the bird. What a douche. Heather is hearing everyone bag on her. Heather calls her mom, who while encouraging, also sounds like she's late for ceramics or something. Heather cries on the phone. Literally cries on it. Gee, this phone's wet. Who wet the phone?

Panel. Which is preceded by a photo of Tyra in male drag smoking a cigarette and LOOKING GLAMOROUS. Way to dismantle all our progress, Ty. The judges are back. Twiggy. Creepy Nigel. And Ms. Jay going natural with her look. His eyebrows keep moving as if to dare the girls to mock his Afrotastic self. Chantal is told that all the accessories complicate her look. You know she's like, if I EVAH sees that Benny Ninja again he's going to get his! Seriously, he totally tricked these dummies. Chantal has to watch her "salacious eyes" which means she needs to watch out for the Paris Hilton wonky eye. Ambreal did a very good job "looking ill". There's a weird moment when Twiggy tells Victoria she's insecure and Victoria protests. And then Twiggy revises her opinion and tells her she needs to work on "charm". And a cowed Victoria says "yes, ma'am" and Twiggy gives this rather hateful condescending nod and smile. Twiggy's a little sick of these Yank bims and their attitudes. Who knew she had hate in her? Lisa gets compared to Shalom Harlow and you know Bianca's gritting her teeth.

Mila gets told to drop the pageant-walking bullshit and that her Old Navy dress "looks like a sack". Isn't that the beauty of Old Navy? Mila is told her photo pose looks like she just "farted and lifted up off the seat". Wow. And then Ms. Jay demonstrates. That's classy, girl. Sarah is told to "take damn thing off" by Ms. Jay in reference to her necklace. Someone's getting the dementia and the crankiness that can come with it. Bianca gets criticism. And you know Lisa is loving it. Can I tell you that I love Ebony's gold lame shot? Holy Jesus, I want it on my wall. Ebony is asked about her fear that she won't be liked. "Be yourself, that's the key," says Nigel. But what if you suck? Saliesha wins the outfit challenge. She's doing an AD for Old Navy. Hot. Can I be in it? I seriously don't get the model thing. Accessories or no accessories? Jeans or a short dress? Hair down or up? What am I not seeing?

I am seriously digging that kid on "Gossip Girl" with the emo hair and the bowtie and the vest. He's doing it for me. Tyra asks what's pretty ugly on her to Nigel and he's obviously up for firing and she wants grounds. Her eyes are wide apart, he says. Tyra looks like boy, you are SO out of here. Twiggy has forgotten Janet's name and she doesn't look like a model to her. How is this related? Twiggy needs her adult diaper changed this go-round. Tyra gives a demonstration of how Kimberly needs to "watch her hootchie". Don't we all? Nigel thinks Ebony is "most beautiful girl here"?!?!?! Really? But he sees her dark side. How can you not? She beats old ladies with their walkers and poisons school lunch. But it's ok because her Mom is a crackhead. Lisa gets props. Nigel wants to bang Victoria. Tyra explains autism to Nigel.

The big revelation is that this cycle is non-smoking. What? First the planes, then the restaurants and NOW THE TOP MODEL CYCLES! Fascists! Where is there a place left to smoke? The Flava Flav house? She's going to have some chicks in withdrawal in that house. Heather's safe. Bianca looks bemused. That scary white girl made it, good for her! It's down to Ebony and the odious Mila. Mila is so going home. Oh god, back to my urea. Mila already tears up. So does Ebony, and she even adds some snot! Mila doesn't want Ebony touching her at all. She might think crack is catching. Ebony's snot bubble is mesmerizing. Mila is still smiling. Are you gonna cry now, Ms. Positivity? I thought so. You are banned from Red Sox Nation. Heather looks genuinely sad to see her go. Give Heather the win now. I'm predicting it will be down to Heather and Lisa. Mila gives her concentrate on the positive speech. Yeah, concentrate on losing.