Doctor Who: The Sound of Drums (Episode 312/3012)

This episode starts with a flashback to that old series Sliders as a wormhole opens up in the middle of a random alley in London decorated with “Vote Saxon” posters. Except, instead of Jerry O’Connell, we get Martha, Captain Jack and the Doctor in what can only be described as a very awkward position.

Using Jack’s Vortex Manipulator (or as I like to call it, his Wrist-Assist), which the Doctor fixed while Martha and Jack were fighting off the dentist-deprived from last week, the Doctor’s brought them back to the 21st century. As Jack is explaining the whole concept of regeneration to the confused Martha, the whole “Vote Saxon” imagery throughout the season and the bum tapping the sound of drums on his tin cup tell the audience, and the Doctor, where the Master is.

Just in case we didn’t get it, the Master, complete with his own “companion,” is up on the jumbotron, celebrating his victory in the election. The Master is Harold Saxon, Prime Minister. This leaves so many questions as we’re left with a joke about Great Britain needing a Doctor and rolling into the credits. How did he get elected? What’s with the drums? Who is the Master’s wife? Why pick the name Harold?

We’re in the newly rebuilt 10 Downing Street, where the Master has two women fawning all over him. The first is his wife; the second is Tish, Martha’s sister. Yeah, like she isn’t a plant. In his first cabinet meeting, the Master celebrates in what is traditionally an end of college sort of way, by tossing all of his files up into the air. Of course, usually they don’t call the professors “ugly fat-faced, bunch of wet, sniveling bunch of traitors.” I’m wondering if this is Great Britain or if the Master is mistaking this for the Canadian Parliament. (Just in case a member of the Canadian Parliament is reading this, I’m not taking it back.)

Without warning, Saxon puts on a gas mask and gasses the entire Cabinet. Saxon may be evil, but he has a delicious sense of irony. (Just in case a member of the Canadian Parliament is reading this, I think I will take it back. I don’t want to wind up on a watch list.)

He also still has the sound of drums beating in his head. Orchestral scores can do that to a Time Lord.

Our heroic trio has retreated to Martha’s apartment. Not exactly the smartest hiding place in history. Completely abandoning stealth altogether, Jack tries calling his “friends” and I would pay just about anything to see the Doctor’s reaction to Gwen or Ianto, Captain Jack and the Doctor in the same screenshot. I need new wallpaper for my desktop.

While Jack and the Doctor are checking out the Saxon homepage, Martha’s ignoring a crucial phone call from her sister. In all fairness, it’s not like she could know that Tish’s new job was with the Prime Minister’s office. Although, considering how her last job turned out, Martha might be a little more concerned.

As for Tish’s first day, it’s going just about as well as her last job. She’s completely verbally trampled by the reporter Vivien Rook, who is insistent upon doing a profile piece on Lucy Saxon. Rook also runs roughshod over Lucy’s initial concerns, by appealing to her obvious desire for power. Lucy’s smile when she’s described as “the power behind the throne” explains everything I need to know when it comes to her relationship with Saxon.

As soon as Tish is out of the room, Vivien’s playful demeanor turns dark as she warns Lucy she might be in danger as everything about her husband is a lie. I should know better, but I totally fell for Lucy’s shocked expression.

Saxon’s website is hilarious. It includes testimonials from Sharon Osborne, McFly and Ann Widdecombe. It’s almost as if someone in the Doctor Who production office asked the question, “What would be the most random group of people ever?” And this was the answer. As for Saxon’s life, with the athletics, successful business, bestselling novel and perfect marriage, the whole “Marty-Stu” lifestyle screams he’s a fake. Either that or he’s a rejected character from a Harlequin Romance novel.

Which is exactly the same theory Vivien Rook is espousing to mystified Lucy, but she can’t accept that Harold Saxon only came into being 18 months earlier. His rise to power came shortly after the downfall of Harriet Jones and coincides with the launch of the Archangel media network.

On the other hand, Rook believes Lucy to be essentially harmless and begs for her help. Of course, Lucy might’ve been more open to the idea if Rook hadn’t essentially called her stupid first. Instead, as if to prove Rook’s comment about not being bright correct, Lucy echoes some platitudes about Saxon being kind to her father and “for better or for worse.” About now Vivien should realize she’s worn out her welcome. “Isn’t that right Harry?” Lucy asks. Okay, Vivien is the least observant reporter ever, missing Saxon coming into the room.

After calling Lucy his “faithful companion” which is so much creepier on screen than I can ever make it sound in this recap, admits to everything, and then, as if we needed more proof that Vivien wasn’t going to get out alive, he shows her his balls, which he calls his “friends.” It’s too bad for Vivien that the Master’s balls are deadly.

While Vivien is being chopped up inside the office, Saxon and Lucy duck out the side door. For fun, and comic relief, Saxon keeps opening and closing the door to hear her scream. Lucy is disgusted but not because Vivien’s being chopped too pieces. She’s upset that Archangel wasn’t effective and that they’ll soon be discovered. They won’t have to wait for Archangel to fail; they just have to wait for the cleaning crew to empty the trash in the office. Balls are famous for leaving stains, not cleaning them up.

He promises her that they only have to wait until tomorrow; it’s only a day away. Sorry, that’s Annie.

Back at Martha’s, Jack’s making tea. I could write volumes on that if this were a Torchwood recap, but I’ll try to hold back.

The Doctor is confused by Saxon’s complete infusion into the hearts and minds of the culture considering he couldn’t have been in the 21st century longer than 18 months. Jack liked him, which is sort of like saying “Saxon was breathing so of course Jack liked him” but Martha was actually going to vote for him. She can’t remember why, just that he was good. Of course, this is totally belied by her tapping the sound of drums while talking about him.

Before they can delve further into the mystery, Saxon, with a proud Lucy watching, broadcasts a message to Great Britain. After showing clips of “Aliens of London,” “Army of Ghosts,” “Doomsday” and “The Christmas Invasion,” Saxon announces that he has a message, an otherworldly message from his balls. Apparently, they’re God’s gift to the planet as they bring technology, peace and probably the cure to the common cold. All they want in return is for everyone to be friendly to the Master’s balls.

He calls his balls the “Toclafane” and says they will appear the next morning. While the Master is talking about diplomacy and the benefits for all humanity, and names every type of person who will gain from the contact the Doctor is only shocked into action when he lists “Medical student.” Somehow, the Master’s taped a bomb to the back of the television.

The Doctor stops only to grab Martha’s laptop and his trench coat while Jack pushes Martha out of the room. The trio make it out only seconds before Martha’s building explodes.

Completely freaked by her apartment blowing up, Martha calls her mother. Of course, her mother’s calls are being monitored and Francine’s constant insistence that Martha needs to come over would tip off anyone, even, probably, Tish, but Martha’s the smarter daughter. Unfortunately, even the smarter kid can have their deepest hopes prayed upon. In this case, Martha’s parents are pretending they’re back together in an attempt to lure Martha over.

Despite the hope, Martha’s still suspicious and her father gives it away. Through her cell, Martha has to listen to her father being taken away by Saxon’s men.

In one of Martha’s less than stellar moments, she steals a car to go help her family. I’m not entirely sure why the Doctor goes along with this, other than it makes for an exciting car race scene and the chance for me to see Francine taken away.

Without once being chased by the police, Martha’s called her sister (who is also taken away) and driven to her parents. My suspension of disbelief, even for Doctor Who has just been stretched.

Just in case my suspension of disbelief needed further stretching, Martha blames the Doctor for everything and they manage to escape, even though Saxon’s men are firing on the car she’s driving. I guess in 2008 all cars made will be bulletproof as the only damage to the car is the blown out back windshield.

In shock, Martha has to be ordered by Jack to ditch the car yet no one takes away her cell phone. She calls Leo, the only unincarcerated member of the Jones family, warning him to hide. Hello, the average kid with a scanner can eavesdrop on a cell phone call, how can she not think the Master might also have made a visit to Radio Shack?

Martha just screams at Saxon but the Doctor needs to talk to him. After a whole psychoanalytical moment where they discuss their choice of titles, The Doctor moves onto the more pressing issue. The Toclafane is a Time Lord myth, the equivalent of the boogey man. Hold on, did the Doctor just imply that the Master’s balls are just a myth?

After three years, we finally get some details about the Time War. Since the Master, who was resurrected by the Time Lords to fight, saw only the Dalek invasion of the Cruciform, he thus chose to hide at the end of the universe as Professor Yana. The Doctor has to tell him of Gallifrey’s destruction. “I was the only one who could end it,” the Doctor says, explaining why he’s the only survivor.

The Master mocks both the Doctor’s destruction of two societies and his fear of being alone. In the key difference between the Master and the Doctor, the latter begs for them to fight anywhere, as long as it’s not on Earth. I wonder if the Doctor realizes now that he hasn’t truly been alone and he wants to keep his true companions, humanity, safe.

The Master, on the other hand is all “hell no! If I have to have this pounding headache, which I’ve also given everyone else, we’re going to fight dirty, bitch.” Okay, maybe he doesn’t say it like that, but that’s certainly how he means it. Saxon’s the Prime Minister and he’s just declared the Doctor, Captain Jack and Martha enemies of the state. He can tap there phones, watch them on CC-TV and essentially do whatever he likes. He’s either learned to do things like Torchwood (who, are all in the Himalayas looking for Yeti), or he learned his surveillance techniques from the US Justice Department.

The trio has no choice but to run and hide while the rest of the world watches the news.

The only one not watching the news is the Master and his balls. The balls are worried about the encroaching darkness, while the Master reassures them to wait until 8:02 the next morning and watches Teletubbies.

Our heroic trio has taken refuge in an old warehouse. Just the day before they’d helped humanity head towards Utopia and now they’re squatters. Talk about a drop in social standing.

So in this new slum of a home, it’s time to reveal secrets. The first is that Gallifrey permitted fantasy authors to pick the geographical place names with titles like “Continent of Wild Endeavour” and “Mountains of Solace and Solitude.”

The second secret is that Gallifreyan children, at the age of 8, are taken from their families, sent to the Time Lord version of Hogwarts and shown the Time Vortex for the first time. The Doctor ran away from the experience and never stopped running. The Master went mad.

It’s time for Jack’s secrets, except that it would take too long, so he just tells one; he works for Torchwood. Considering that the Doctor blames Torchwood for the invasion of the Cybermen, and, more importantly, his loss of Rose, it doesn’t go over very well. Pleading, Jack says Torchwood’s different; he rebuilt it in the Doctor’s honour.

A file’s been sent to Torchwood by the now deceased Vivien Rook. She’s figured out that the Archangel Network is where the whole Harold Saxon obsession started. The Doctor realizes that the Master has been hypnotizing everyone through their cell phones by making them all listen to the sound of his drums. He also blames the signal from preventing the Doctor from realizing there’s another Time Lord. The first part of this theory I can buy, but it’s not like the Doctor carries a cell.

Determined to fight back, the trio use the TARDIS keys’ perception filters to hide themselves in plain sight. Explaining the concept, “It’s like when you fancy someone and they don’t even know you exist,” the Doctor says to Martha.

“You too?” Jack asks as he shares a look of understanding with Martha. Of course, he could be saying that to just about anyone who watches the show.

As they pass through the British night, and watch as Saxon greets the extremely pissed off President of the United States, who wants in on the meeting with Saxon’s balls, the trio goes unnoticed by everyone except for The Master.

As Saxon and Lucy prepare to head to The Valiant, where they will meet the Toclafane, more guests arrive, the Jones family. In anger, Martha, the woman studying to become a doctor, threatens to kill him and Jack agrees. It’s only the Doctor who wants to save Saxon.

The Jones family and world leaders will not be the only ones on The Valiant. Using the Wrist-Assist, the Doctor transports himself and his companions on to the aircraft carrier.

The Valiant must really be in Cloud City, as it’s an aircraft carrier but in the air. I think that’s a little redundant, don’t you? Speaking of redundant, since the President completely dismisses Saxon and Lucy, we’re all let in on the joke. The Master designed The Valiant so I’m sure there’s going to be one heck of a nasty surprise for the self-important blowhard of a President. Geez, I wonder why they decided to portray the President like that?

On to the concept of nasty surprises, the Doctor’s found what’s at the heart of The Valiant: the TARDIS. The Master’s made a paradox machine. I’m not entirely sure what that is, exactly, but I’m assuming that it: a) will be explained later and b) could probably make A Series of Unfortunate Events look like a cakewalk. At the moment, even the Doctor isn’t sure what it’s for, just that it will go off at 8:02.

Everyone is readying for the Toclafane. The President is giving orders and taking over the show. The Saxons are settling in with a snack of Jelly Babies to enjoy the show. The world is settling down to watch it on their televisions. The Doctor, Captain Jack and Martha are sneaking into the control room ready for their supersecret plan.

Of course, since the plan consists of slipping the TARDIS key around the Master’s neck, thus breaking the perception filter he has on the world, I wonder, since when do perception filters work on the double-negative makes a positive theory? If the Doctor gets caught, there are two back-ups with Martha and Captain Jack.

The first Toclafane meeting doesn’t go as the President (or as we learn, President-elect) wanted. The Master’s balls reject the American and demand Saxon. Returning the favour the President paid him, Saxon removes him from power, permanently. The Master’s balls are even dangerous to world leaders surrounded by security.

Taking control, and capturing the Doctor, killing Jack with his laser screwdriver, and refusing the Doctor’s offer to help rid himself of the sound of drums, the Master does what I thought to be truly impossible. Using the technology he helped Professor Lazarus develop and the Doctor’s severed hand, he ages the Doctor. Why is this impossible? He made David Tennant ugly.

Considering they’re a Time Lord myth, they certainly are real enough even though the Master refuses to divulge what they really are. “Your hearts would break,” The Master tells the aged Doctor. This is the moment when I realized what they were, even though we don’t get to find out until next week.

To the beat of techno music (which, if that’s really what the Master’s been hearing his whole life, no wonder he’s insane) the Toclafane, all 6 billion of the Time Lord bogeymen, invade. They decimate the population and Martha uses the distraction to transport off The Valiant.

Thus the fate of the planet is left in the hands of Martha Jones. All she has going for her are her wits, the TARDIS key perception filter and one determined attitude.

Back on The Valiant, the Master makes the Doctor watch the destruction of the planet he swore to defend in "The Christmas Invasion."

“And I thought it good,” the Master says. Either that’s yet another anti-religion allusion that so peppers this show, or proof of the Master’s megalomania.

Yet, like so many things on this show, the line is multi-talented. It does both.