LAW & ORDER: SVU - Alternate (Episode 901)

Just take a look for a moment at this character. The short, fashionably messed-up brown hair, the soft, almond-shaped eyes--they are almost elfish in their femininity--the soft skin. The tough New York exterior which only further emphasizes the inner softness, the womanly core, that tells us that this character is really just a scared, lost little girl in the world. Of course, I am talking about Chuck on "Gossip Girl," but what the hell does that have to do with "Law & Order: SVU"? Nothing, now let's get on with the new season of raping and human degradation with New York's finest.

The opening scene of this season tells us that despite the last year's finale, where just about everyone was getting busted for some sort of police abuse, everyone is back at the station and all is right in the raping world. Wait, not so. Captain Donald Cragen has been reassigned, due to his FEMA-like supervision skills, where almost all of his squad was busted for either breaking the law or bending it. Introducing Commanding Officer Munch.

The shock of Munch having any power in this show is quickly brushed aside when a psychotherapist enters the station to report possible child abuse at the hands of one of her patients (guest start Cynthia Nixon). Her name is Dr. Annie Young and she gives the name and address of her client, Janis Donovan. Benson and Stabler kick the door down and find nothing but a frightened neighbor and a baby doll floating in the bathtub. They don't find any evidence of abuse but they do find a photo of Dr. Annie Young holding a baby. The neighbor tells them that the woman in the photo is actually Janis Donovan. Dr. Annie Young and Janis Donovan are the same person.

Benson tracks the address that "Dr. Young" gave her on her business card to a real psychotherapist named Dr. Henry Carlisle. Carlisle is quickly duped into admitting that Janis is his patient and gives up her work address. The detectives break up and interview old babysitters and her co-workers. Janis Donovan milks spiders for a living and so clearly, she is insane. Her supervisor gives the detectives addresses of "hot spots" where Janis goes to collect spiders to, um, milk. At a church they talk to an old woman who reports that she heard Janis talking and arguing with herself and that she thought the woman was crazy, but given where they are, who the hell is she to point fingers? The Lo-Jack in Janis' car is traced to Central Park and so everyone descends upon the park looking for a crazy lady and a baby (try Wal-Mart). Benson and Stabler find her in a cave sans-baby, talking in baby talk, the most annoying of all habits I have ever encountered.

In the interrogation room, Janis is a completely different personality. She claims to be "Tammy", a soft spoken six year old who says that the baby was taken by "Burt". I was praying that with all of this identity disorder going on that we would get to hear from Tyler Durden soon. I can just imagine what his reaction to Dr. Huang's GQ Turtleneck and slick hair would have provoked. Throughout these various interrogation scenes, we get to see the different personalities of Janis Donovan. We get Petra, the Russian tough-girl, Dorey, the teenage slut with a crush on Stabler, and Burt, the predator that is capable of violence and starring in movies like Cannonball Run. Cynthia Nixon does a decent job portraying these different personalities but she had plenty of practice due to her dual-identities on Sex in the City where she played both "frigid man-hating cynic" and "the other ugly one". Just as I expect Cybil to make her television comeback, a younger woman enters the station and tells SVU that they have made a huge mistake. No shit, did you even watch last season? Much like the detectives, I need her to be more specific.

Her name is Cass and she claims that the missing baby is in fact her's and is safely staying with her landlady. Cass has just finished a short stint in prison for a heroin bust and Janis, her sister, has been taking care of the baby. Hoping to find a clue that will give the detectives a chance to break Janis' personalities, they ask her about any abuse. Cass runs down a laundry list of abuse that would be extremely shocking if I weren't such a devoted follower of this show. "My dad dragged me around by my hair, beat me and forced me to drink hot sauce until I threw up, and then raped me in front of my mother." This actually sounds quite a bit like the rookie hazing I experienced with my college rugby team, but at least those guys didn't drag me around by my hair. That would be brutal. Anyways, Munch cleverly has Janis watch her sister's tale and then leaves Janis alone in his office to relax and snoop through his files before they release her. The baby was never really missing and you can't arrest someone for being delusional and crazy otherwise "American Idol" would be the largest police sting in history.

Following Dr. Carlisle's advice, the detectives release Janis to her sister. The next morning, Stabler is woken up by his bitchy daughter complaining about community service for the DUI he tried to get her out of and a call informing him that Mr. and Mrs. Donovan, the abusers, are dead. Faced with either dealing with his spoiled daughter who almost cost him his badge and a double homicide, he quickly jumps in the rape-mobile and can't wait to clear the stench of his daughter's whining with a fresh set of murders. The parents look as American as apple pie with close-range shotgun blasts to their chests while wearing his and her pajamas. Before Stabler even gets a chance to force a rape kit on the corpses he gets called back to, goddammit of all fucking places, his house. Dorey, the slutty personality of Janis, has shown up at his house and is holding his wife somewhat hostage with a knife. Unfortunately for Stabler, his daughter seems to have escaped with her life intact. Stabler talks her down until Benson can sneak up behind her and beat her for making eyes at her man.

Casey Novak has had a restful summer off, is looking as hot as ever, and is ready to toss this psycho bitch into jail, patient's rights be damned. Janis, Dorey, Tammy, Bert, and Petra's attorney argue that he can present the Identity Disassociation Disorder as a defense due to precedents in other cases. The trial goes on as expected with "she's crazy you can't blame her" versus "she's crazy and we can blame her." During a particularly harsh cross examination by Casey Novak, Burt makes an appearance and tries to strangle my favorite DA. And not in the nice, kinky way that I know you have probably thought of yourself. Somehow, attacking an officer of the court proves legal insanity and Janis is committed to a psychiatric ward until she can reintegrate her multiple personalities. I wish I had known this little-known legal fact because I totally would have bitch-slapped the court reporter during my last DUI court appearance. While lamenting the newspaper coverage of the trial, Novak recognizes a law journal in the background of a photo taken of Cass. A closer look reveals that this law journal goes into detail about using Identity Disassocation Disorder as a legal defense and is stamped "property of Department of Corrections".

Stabler and Benson show up to visiting hours between Janis and Cass at the Looney Bin. Janis gloats about her ruse and laughs about double jeopardy protecting her from any further punishment. Unfortunately, this means dick for the fate of Cass and the detectives happily arrest her for conspiracy to commit murder.

As the dust settles, we learn that Donald Cragen's reassignment was short-lived. Munch left Janis in his office long enough for her to find Stabler's home residence and get himself demoted back down to wise-cracking paranoid detective. Both are relieved. I am glad to see Cragen back too. This group of detectives are prone to bad decisions, personal problems, and tons of emotional baggage and they need someone that is short, bald, and recovering from a drinking problem to properly steer them in the right direction.

It's good to have you back, SVU. Can't way for the baby-raping and police brutality to really begin.