Rock of Love - "The Rose and the Thorn" (Episode 12 - Finale)

Well, Bret has whittled the disease-ridden pool of lovely ladies vying for his affections to 2 (and I don't think Bret even gave them a name like the "Terrible Two" or "One of You Will Probably Get Your Own Spin-off on VH-1") - the lovely, young, guarded Jes and stripper, hair mousse abuser, bad girl Heather. As the episode opens, the ladies are packing and getting ready for their trip to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, where Bret will spend his last bedroom quality time with the ladies and make the decision of who will permanently "rock his world." Jes thinks Heather's in for a "rude awakening" Heather is positive she's got her man, but, just in case, the "claws are coming out". Bret thinks this is going to be an "extremely rough decision."

They take a private jet to Cabo and arrive at their hotel, where they are greeted with a Mexican band and sexy female dancers (and alcohol - but I'm sure you knew this would be involved.) Heather knocks Bret out of the way to get to one of las chicas calientes. It's a "strange moment" for Bret. (Hold the phone, bandana boy, these gals have been doing the whole fake lesbian thing since this whole thing started...and now it's "strange"? Is your bandana tied too tight?) The ladies are escorted to their room, filled with cool swag like pink flip flops and "booty shorts" (which delighted Heather, for whatever reason. I think she should be looking for a coupon for tattoo removal...) They were then instructed to get ready for a romantic dinner by the pool.

Heather wants to show Bret all of her different sides (um, what would those be? Drunk, slutty, did I leave any out?) Jes says she's against confrontation but if it needs to be done to get Bret, she's willing to go for it. (Oh, they're "The Terrific two", in case you care.) Heather is dressed, dare I say, almost decently. She may actually have one dress that she didn't get at "Strippers-R-Us". As soon as the ladies sat down, Bret felt "tension". Ya think? Even if the "prize" for this game is to temporarily date a c-list rocker, no one wants to be seen as a "loser" - am I right? Bret decides to ease the tension by interrogating the gals. Bret's confused about Heather's potential bisexuality. Jes does think Heather screams open relationship (although I'm pretty sure she used the word "skanky" in there.) Heather said she did think some women were hot (her exact words were, "I'm not a hater, I'm a congratulator.") but she wouldn't bring any in the bedroom with she and Bret. If Bret doesn't at least secretly get a little excited about Heather and another woman in the bedroom with him, he immediately loses his rock star cred. (And I could be led to believe that he may be a eunuch.) Heather truly feels that she's "the complete package". Bret fears she's just a party girl. Heather tries to get the heat off of herself by once again bringing up age difference between Jes and Bret. Jes gets defensive - she may be young, but she's not "31 and still stripping". Heather's "so sick and tired of the stripper thing" (maybe she shouldn't have been on the pole in the house and/or mostly naked every damn day. Just a thought.) She claims she's never going to go back to the stripping profession (because Bret would be her ticket out.) Bret's tense. Each of the gals gets a day with Bret so he can really get to know them prior to making his gut-wrenching decision.

The girls find out who gets the first date. A Mexican hotel staffer brings them their letter from Bret (Big Juan?) It's "time to get dirty." Jes is pissed that Heather gets the first date. Bret has planned someting "amazing" for his date with Heather - dune buggies (which does sound really cool.) The pair go barreling through the desert, but Bret started feeling icky from his diabetes (he has been partying a lot - if you have diabetes, aren't you not supposed to drink?) and needed to find something to eat. Now. All that was on Heather's mind was her desire to drive the dune buggy first. Selfish wench. Bret went along with her demands and she kept them pretty much airborne for the entire ride. Bret thought he was going to die. And not from the diabetes. It was eating Bret up that Heather really didn't seem to care about Bret's health and was ignoring his request for food. He finally got something in his tummy and felt good enough to lead Heather to the shore for some pre-dinner making out.

Jes was pissed that Heather was bragging about her day. Heather put on her finest ho-wear for her dinner with Bret. Jes said that Heather should probably "retire" the turquoise smock as it "screams stripper" (Just that dress?) and the two had an attire-related argument. (Of course, Bret thought it was the "sexiest dress ever" because when you think fashion, you think Bret Michaels.) Heather and Bret were dining at beautiful beachside tiki hut, which Bret called "heaven on earth". Heather's so excited. Bret said they bonded instantly on a party level, but he had some issues he needed to address with her. His heart had been broken by an exotic dancer before (or 2 or 3....) He's got "a lot of emotions whipping through his brain." Every week, 5 or 6 times, Bret plays a gig, which is how, as he puts it, he "gets his ya-yas out." What is Heather's "thing"? What's she going to do when Bret's gone? Is she just destined to be a party friend or is done with that life and ready for a grown-up relationship (the more important question - is Bret ready?) Heather claims she leads a boring life (working out, taking her pooch to the dog park, a little whoring, you know, the usual.) Heather decides that to convince she's not like all of the other strippers, that she has to "lay it on the line" and straight-up admits she's in love with Bret (great sound effect of Bret gulping.) Bret doesn't have words (especially not "I love you too.") But he says when he looked into her eyes, his heart immediately bonded. Sure it did. So, of course, the two retire to Bret's room for a little more bonding with candles, champagne and rose petals (and lots and lots of Purel.)

The next morning, Heather takes the "walk of shame" from Bret's room and joins Jes for breakfast. Jes asks how her night was and she said they were "naked all night." Jes said Heather looked like a hooker in her "ho clothes with her hair all f-ed up...well actually, her hair always looks like that, so that's nothing new." Touche, Jes! Heather said she wasn't ready to take a shower just yet, because she wanted to stew in the aroma of whatever nastiness transpired the night before. When she asked Jes if she could smell it, she replied that all she smelled was a "rotten whore." Otro Juan brought Jes' letter from Bret, which didn't give any of the details of her date away. But before Jes took off, she made sure to get some last digs in at Heather ("The only thing you have up on me is boobs and I can buy them tomorrow.") Heather ruined my dinner when she told Jes, "When you kiss him you'll be licking me." Jes is disgusted and so are we. Jes greets Bret with an awesome kiss (and tries valiantly to forget where Bret's mouth has been.) Bret notices that they're even wearing matching bandanas. Awww....Bret has a special date planned and a final opportunity to get into Jes' heart and soul. He is still trying to get Jes to lower her internal wall. They're heading out on a (gorgeous) yacht. Jes thought it was a perfect date. They made out a lot - and had some lunch. Jes is worried that she's going to be unable to let Bret know how she really feels. She tells him that the scariest thing is the chance of rejection (and being rejected for a nasty stripper.) She loved being with him. Bret says Jes just has to take the jump and see if it's going to work (or not.) Jes isn't sure if she's going to be able to take that leap of faith. Bret still feels that Jes is hiding something.

The couple were going to have dinner at another (beautiful) resort. As Bret waits for Jes to arrive, he feels that something with his diabetes is not right and he doesn't want his affliction to affect what may be the last evening he ever spends with her. Jes could tell immediately that something wasn't right. Bret told her that he was feeling under the weather and instruted Jes on what to do with his insulin in case he goes into insulin shock ("not to freak you out.") Too late. Jes said "He's scaring the hell out of me." All of this is seriously affecting Jes, which brings on the tears. She doesn't want to talk about their relationship while he's feeling poorly. Her reaction made Bret believe that her guard was down and she really did care. Jes affirmed Bret's feelings by saying "Whatever he needs I'm there." (Even if it's jabbing a needle in his ass.) Of course, Bret's not too sick to ask Jes to spend the night and have some naked jacuzzi action. Way to take one for the team, Michaels! Bret says he loves Jes' innocence (yep, naked jacuzzi is oh, so innocent.) They say goodbye and already miss each other. Awww....Bret sends the gals back to a hotel in LA so he could spend his last day in Cabo undistracted and think about the "toughest decision" he's ever made.

Bret returns to the house and tells Big John he needs to make the decison by himself. It's time to get serious. Heather gets on her stripper-licious attire (horrid dress, huge hair and way too much makeup). Heather said if she wasn't picked (although she felt there was "no way" Bret would turn her down) she and Bret would not be friends. Jes is scared. I don't like Jes' dress either, but what are you gonna do. Jes is a whirlwind of emotions as she takes her place in the candle and rose-filled house. Heather feels confident she's moments away from claiming the man of her dreams. When Jes sees Heather, she can't help but roll her eyes ("Her 80s porn hair is bad.") We then gre this classic exchange - Heather: "I'm surprised you showed up." Jes: "$@#& off, Heather."

It's decision time. Bret has on a very shiny jacket. There's no Big John tonight, just Bret and his soul. He wants to make this the most intimate moment ever (just the 3 of them and all of us.) Heather has been Bret's best friend - starting oyut as a party girl but ending up where she now was because she showed Bret her commitment, her friendship, her boobs. Jes went from cold and guarded to warm and close. The decision came to him right as he was standing there. He had a thought. He just wants to put it out there. As a test for the girls, he asks "Is there any way you would both be my girlfriend?" Heather said she would share him with Jes. Jes said she couldn't share someone she cared about. Those words cemented a win for Jes. Bret called Heather front and center and tells her she's not "that girl," which prompted Heather to walk out the door without saying goodbye. She thinks he's a (bleep). She let her guard down for the first time in her life and he took advantage of her. Bleep. Bleep. Bleeeeep. Yay, Jes! Jes says Bret makes her feel "giddy" inside and she feels "crazy". Bret got someone cool, hot, smart and funny...his Rock of Love. Awww.... Heather has also finally realized that maybe the tattoo was a really bad idea. Heather gets the last word - "F--k that." Succinct. Eloquent. What a class act. Oooh, I can't wait until next week's reunion!