CSI: Miami: Cyber-lebrity (Episode 602)

I started watching this show only maybe a year or so ago and immediately became addicted. It's like Law and Order's hotter and kind of slutty cousin, the kind you make out with behind the pool house with on 4th of July, but don't really brag to your friends about.  But I like her... I mean, the show, and I'll even watch the reruns on A&E.  It's fun and glossy and pure entertainment.

That being said, I also have to admit that I am pissed that the first episode I have to recap is utterly preposterous (even by Horatio Caine standards) and stupid and not fun to watch. It revolves around this high school swimmer, Candace, who's neither hot nor a strong swimmer. However, some random, clothed, photo of her appears on the Internet and she becomes an overnight celebrity.  Why she is famous is never explained; we're dealing with a blond chick who's maybe a 7 at best - not Tila Tequila.  At a stalker-infested swim meet, her Stephen-from-Laguna wannabe boyfriend takes an arrow to the chest.  Oops. 

So we're led through the usual list of suspects... the geeky blogger (thanks, CSI, thanks a lot for, you know, not reinforcing stereotypes), the pederast/athletic director (I'd hit it), and the worried father interested in protecting his teenage daughter from her money-hungry whore mother.  As the suspects are interviewed - and none delivers a great alibi - we find our hero Horatio being stalked online as well.  It seems as though the grand jury records from the Argento case from FIVE YEARS AGO have been released and now someone is out for revenge.  A tenuous connection, but a connection to Candace’s problem nonetheless.

On his way back to reinstatement, Ryan Wolfe is charged with the task of protecting Candace (and also showing love for the iPhone, featured prominently in many scenes).  He’s trying to get back in the swing, and putting a rookie in charge of protecting a minor celebrity seems like the right thing.  Oddly enough, all the crowd shots of Candace’s stalkers include mostly middle-aged women, so, um, it shouldn’t really be that difficult.  He follows Candace to school and her many photoshoots for her new endorsement deals (she got a water endorsement deal for NOT BEING NAKED IN A NOT REMOTELY AROUSING PICTURE ON THE INTERNET?  Is it really that easy?  Hey – I drink water and am not naked on the internet!  Pick me!).  During his protection of Candace, Wolfe thwarts an attempted “kidnapping” of his charge.  Of course, it’s made really easy because the would-be kidnapper is just Candace’s concerned father who wanted to “scare” his wife and daughter to get them out of the limelight.  The dad ends up getting arrested, which I found to be weird, since neither wife nor daughter seemed pissed about it and she didn’t actually get kidnapped.  They really like arresting people, I guess.

Because Caleigh and Natalia are attractive and intelligent, they figure out by testing the bows at the school that the archer/murderer was 5’5” and 100lbs, ruling out the hottie athletic director (who I also would have banged at 17) and the dad.  Add some waterproof lipstick on the victim and you narrow down the suspect list to Miranda, a jealous and way hotter brunette who was digging on Candace’s boyfriend… and her popularity.  We’re left with Miranda smiling for all of the reporters as her murdering ass is shoved into a cop car.  Candace comments to Wolfe that Miranda can have the fame, because she doesn’t want it any more.  Sad.  Not really.  Everyone is still young and hot and I don't really feel bad for anyone, except maybe the dead kid.  We don't know if he died a virgin or not.

And now to finish up Horatio’s drama.  He posts his location on the stalker website that has been posting death threats about him so he can take down whoever’s been stalking his ass.  Turns out it was the only suspect they ever offered to us, which is Argento’s son Damon.  Thanks CSI Miami writers for leading us all down the path of least resistance with that one.  Damon shoots Horatio four times, albeit his gun got magically filled with blanks (I don’t know if I just stopped paying attention, but how the hell did that one happen?  Can someone fill in the Recapper on this one?).  Oddly enough, Horatio doesn’t flinch a bit and from what I hear, blanks still fucking hurt.  So, he arrests Argento’s son too, cutting off the family tree of stalkers.

To sum it up, there was zero fun sexual tension between Caleigh and anyone, Candace is famous for no reason, Horatio is alive, and Wolfe can protect my non-famous ass anytime.  Here’s hoping next week is more fun that a pool full of high school girls.