Big Shots: "Tall, Dark, and Hairless" (Episode 2)

Let’s talk about James and Stacey first because, frankly, I can’t wait to get this storyline over with. Not only is Stacey a backstabbing-lying-whore, but she also has no sense of fashion. I hated that effin’ sweater-wrap thingy she wore for most of the episode. I truly believe the writers and the stylists are stuck in 2002. Not a judgment call, I’ve just moved on from my Justin Guarini loving, Mayor Giuliani voting ways is all. Anyhoot, yes, Stacey reenters the picture after pleading, no, begging for James’ forgiveness. She claims that her affair with his now dead boss was a mistake and that she never loved him. She was bored or some bullsnap. Oh, and she was afraid that James was going to kick her to the curb once he started rising to the top in AmeriMart. Hindsight is 20/20 now isn’t it, James? Damn. The schmuck believes her and decides to give it another go… for the kids, you know.

If you remember from last week, James’ boss, Walter, was hit by a golf cart and died on impact. Lucky bastard. Well, if you thought that this was an unlikely scenario, you’ll be happy to know that Walter was actually drugged with arsenic. His heart gave out. The golf cart was just for fun. So, now we’ve got a murder on our hands. Let’s run down the suspects, shall we? It could be James, the cheated on husband who was just fired by the deceased. It could be Stacey, the other woman. Or it could be the angry widow, who just learned of an immanent divorce the day before. The problem with one of these scenarios, though, is timing; James didn’t know his wife was getting her pink tickled by another man until after the death, and nobody ever knew that he was fired by the old bastard (we’ll just keep that one to ourselves, mkay?). So, that leaves the funny-looking detective with two possible suspects, the widow and the whore. It also leads to some fairly awkward revelations. For one thing, both women knew of the impending divorce and, more importantly, not only did Stacey consider leaving James for Walter, but she also loved the old coot. This, of course, is all overheard by James who wanders poolside, where the interrogation is taking place. What? No interrogation room torture scene? Lame. Oh hell, all’s well that ends well, I guess… James finally realizes he’s being manipulated by an awful dresser and asks for a divorce. And in case you were wondering, the widow did it. She confessed to everything only after Stacey fully admitted the details of their affair. You better thank Stacey, James, “it would be a completely different story if it wasn’t for your wife.” He’ll let her keep the house, I assume that’ll be thanks enough.

Moving on, Duncan can’t seem to escape that dalliance with the tranny-hooker in the rest stop in Yonkers. It turns out that when Duncan was buying her silence, Dontrelle the tranny was taping the transaction for a nosy reporter. Good thing that reporter is a smokin’ hot babe. Now Duncan’s only got to put on the charms and he’ll get that tape back. By charms, of course, I mean sex. Surely his mighty penis will stop that reporter from doing her job! Eh, not so much. She got hers, and now she’ll get a promotion and a book deal. “What kind of world do we live in where women are more like men than we are?” A question for the ages, indeed.

Okay, so clearly Duncan needs some help from his crisis manger buddy, Brody. (Where can I get my own Brody, FYI?) Brody suggests they break into the reporter’s apartment and get the tape back themselves. Duncan is the look out and Brody searches the apartment. Obviously, the reporter comes home early while Brody is obviously still in the apartment and obviously Duncan distracts her with his mighty penis while Brody escapes undetected, obviously. (Obviously, I watch too much TV. Ugh.) It’s no surprise that Brody doesn’t find the tape, but he’s not completely empty handed, however; he finds deposits slips that indicate the reporter is getting very large sums of money all from the same source.

What’s that source, you ask? Well, Duncan’s archenemy, Terrence, is out for blood. Competitors in the cosmetics industry, both are attempting takeovers of Jailbait, another profitable cosmetics firm. Jailbait. Sit on that one for a second. I’ll give you a second…

Jailbait.

Huh.

Carry on…

The revelation that Duncan “got a knobber from a tranny” (why doesn’t spellcheck recognize “knobber” or “tranny”? It’s unjust!) would surly cloud his reputation and destroy any possibility of acquiring Jailbait. It’s all business, I guess. Oh, and just for a little added drama, Terrence has recently started dating Lisbeth, Duncan’s ex-wife. So, with Duncan’s nuts in a vice, he concedes the Jailbait deal on two conditions; Terrence must give him the tape and stop seeing Lisbeth. Yes, folks, we have a deal. But don’t feel too bad though, I have a feeling we haven’t seen the last of Dontrelle yet. Trannies sure do make for good TV, don’t they?

Karl, Karl, Karl. *shakes head* When will the poor guy catch a break? Not only is it over between him and his mistress, Marla, but now the mistress is best friends with the wife. Karl is finding himself having to compete with Marla for quality time with the Misses. In a bizarre role reversal Karl threatens to tell Wendy about the affair, “what’s the worse she’s going to do? Divorce me and take half the assets? But you? She’ll never forgive you!” So, to compromise, Marla and Karl agree to share custody of Wendy. Karl gets Jewish holidays, but Marla gets President’s Day. 

We still don’t see Brody’s wife in this episode, but we do learn that they have sex only on Tuesdays and that she likes her man to have hairless testicles (or if you prefer, “the boys,” “round and rounder,” or “the nuggets). This is probably the only character development these two deserve.

Lesson learned this episode? Feminists should never, ever, EVER watch this show.