Doctor Who: Last of the Time Lords (Episode 313/3013)

He has saved your lives so many times and you never even knew he was there. He never stops. He never stays. He never asks to be thanked but I’ve seen him. I know him. I love him and know what he can do.

Before the credits, we get a recap of “The Sound of Drums.” It’s short, sweet, and to the point, but totally leaves out any hint that both Jack and Martha are in love with the Doctor. That was the highlight of last week, if I ignore the whole Master/Doctor (the punctuation there is on purpose) mental battle. I choose to ignore this because really, like the Beatles said, “all you need is love.” At least, that’s exactly what Martha proves in the season finale.

We begin with an intergalactic notification that Sol 3 AKA: Earth is closed for extinction. It makes it wound like inconvenient highway construction. Come to think of it, the comparison is apropos as there are times extinction seems preferable to the jams caused by highway construction.

It’s important to note that it’s one year from when we last saw the Doctor et al and Martha is getting out of a small rowboat, having finally returned to England. I know she said that she’d be back last week but she certainly took her sweet time!

She’s meeting Tom Milligan, a doctor whose express purpose in the show is to give exposition and replace the requisite doctor-hotness we’ve lost since David Tennant was turned into an ugly old man. As for his exposition, he tells us Martha’s traveled the world. She is a legend that sailed the Atlantic, the only person who survived in Japan and is going to save the world. Apparently, she’s capable of killing the Master. I guess both Martha and I learned a lot since last week. She’s learned that she, despite what CBS may claim, is the ultimate survivor. I’ve learned it is possible to use the words “ugly” and “David Tennant” in the same sentence.

Onboard The Valiant, the Master celebrates his victory over Earth and what he calls the rise of the new Time Lord empire, by dancing around like a lunatic to the Scissor Sisters’ “I Can’t Decide.” Lucy, now clad in a sex-kitten red dress and Francine, who is dressed like a maid, look disgusted. I’m wondering if it’s just at the Master’s actions or whether it’s because they’re forced to dress like a typical male’s fantasies. I’m expecting Tish or Clive to come in dressed like a cheerleader next.

Despite all the weird things that happen during this quasi-music video, and other such strange happenings that occur in this episode, I can find symbolic meanings in most of them. The one thing that is still confusing me is why the Master is keeping the aged Doctor in a tent meant for a dog on the bridge? I can see it being a humiliation tactic, but wouldn’t someone want to keep him as far away from the actual controls as possible?

After pushing the Doctor around in a wheelchair, the Master allows the Doctor a view out of a porthole, to watch the Master’s balls.

Hoping to gauge him in conversation, the Master tells us that the Doctor’s figured out what the Toclafane really are. Big deal, I figured it out last week. What finally does get the Doctor talking is the mention of Martha Jones’ return. As certain as the Master is of the Doctor’s captivity, he’s not sure what to make of Martha’s freedom, or whatever it was the Doctor told her one year ago.

The Doctor only has one thing to say to Saxon. I’m hoping it’ll involve something that is probably as physically impossible for both humans and Time Lords and makes for a very popular internet acronym. The Master doesn’t want to hear it.

As the Doctor holds out three fingers as a signal to Francine, the Master announces it is 24 hours until launch day. What? He was so bored with the completion of his last evil plan that he had to come up with a new one? Will it be even more dastardly? Will it involve angry sea bass?

The signal is passed through all of the Jones family, save Leo who has, somehow, managed not to have been caught. This will either play largely in the rest of the episode, or the writers completely forgot he was out there. Eventually, Tish, whose job it is to feed the chained Jack, passes it on.

Crawling up on top of a hill, overlooking a seaport (and underneath an eerily life-like stature of the Master, making me hope Martha and Tom don’t blink) Martha explains that the Master is now intent on universal domination. Seeing the whole of space, Martha knows that the various civilizations won’t be ready for the blitz attack. Taken aback, Tom’s surprised Martha’s been in space and asks her if there’s anything else he should know.

“I’ve met Shakespeare,” she replies as casually as one would say, “I went to the store and bought toilet paper.”

The Master’s balls come along and check on Milligan’s ID, completely ignoring Martha. Explaining later about her chameleon TARDIS key, she also tells him how what we already know about how the Master used the Archangel network to hypnotize the world. As for why Milligan can see her, it’s because he wants to see her. We get a short but awkward conversation about the pair’s lack of love lives, complete with a flashback to the kiss in “Smith and Jones.” You know, there are just some moments I really don’t need to relive.

As the time ticks down to 3pm, the Master taunts Lucy with Tanya, his masseuse. This is a man who has traveled in time and tried to take over situations but he’s never once heard of the “woman scorned” adage?

The very quick rebellion is stopped when the Doctor’s master plan (pun intended) is ruined by the Master putting isomorphic controls on his laser screwdriver. I’m assuming that isomorphic means he’s the only one that can use it even though that’s not the context in which I usually hear the word. Jack is shot and killed (again) and nothing is accomplished by team Doctor other than pissing off the Master and allowing him to go into a tirade about the Doctor’s past accomplishments. In other words, all the failed rebellion accomplishes is a chance for old school Doctor Who fanservice.

Still, the Doctor only wants to say one thing to the Master, but the Master still doesn’t want to hear it. Despite all the taunting and fanservice moments, it’s not the Doctor and the Master that is the most fascinating part of the scene for me. Standing back quietly in the background is Lucy, who shows signs of abuse, but still fussing about the Master like a dedicated companion.

Tom and Martha have found Professor Docherty, the woman Martha’s allegedly come back to England to see. I’m instantly suspicious as we all know what happened to the last professor on this series, and that the woman appears not to want to see Martha. You’d think a woman supposedly dedicated to the rebel cause would be quite capable of seeing beyond the TARDIS key.

What Docherty really wants to see is the broadcast from Saxon. The entire purpose of said broadcast is to discourage any dissention by not only discouraging Martha but by aging the Doctor to his true 900+ years. Everyone stands around horrified as the Doctor is turned into Dobby the House Elf.

The attempt to discourage her fails. “The Doctor’s still alive,” she whispers. That’s my girl.

Later, Professor Docherty blames Archangel’s continuing interference for the lack of resistance but sees no way of destroying it. Martha argues that it isn’t the network they need to work on; it’s the Master’s balls. She has some information she’s hoping the professor can use to work out what they are.

Tom and the professor both speculate why Martha walked the Earth. Tom thinks it was to find the information on the Toclafane meanwhile the professor thinks she wants to build a weapon. By the way, Russell T. Davies did a spectacular job with these speculations – each representing a different aspect of humanity. One thinks of scientific discovery and the other thinks of violence.

The plan is to recreate the lightning strike that brought down one of the Master’s balls and examine it. The professor has come up with a device to recreate the amperage of the strike, and it’s Tom’s job to lure one into the trap. Firing a gun into the air, he leads the Toclafane into the machine, where it is promptly electrocuted.

Instead of treating him like a dog, the Master is now treating Dobby like a bird and keeping him a cage hanging from the ceiling.

Meanwhile, the remainder of the Jones’ family, other than the forgotten Leo, is bonding over ways to kill the Master. Well, the family that plots together stays together.

As for the Master, he’s figured the never-ending drumming is a call to war, and thus he must fight to make a new Gallifrey to make up for the one the Doctor was involved in destroying. He hopes the Doctor will be happy as the Master is doing it all for his balls, since the Doctor loves the Master’s balls so much.

Professor Docherty, Tom and Martha have discovered the Toclafane are the worst Kinder Surprise ever, as they are the humans that were destined for Utopia. “The skies were made of diamonds” the captured Toclafane says, echoing Creet, the little child taking the roll call in “Utopia.” The Toclafane share collective memories and they remember Martha.

While the remaining humans have discovered what they should’ve known all along, Utopia cannot exist, the Master took Lucy to learn the same thing. She’s with him because she sees no point in anything. As for Utopia, it was simply a pit of fire. Somehow, I think that the humans missed Utopia and passed right through to hell. They regressed to children, and like all children, they needed someone to take control of them, hence their servitude to the Master.

Martha’s the antithesis of Lucy, as she’s been to the end of the universe and saw only hope, even though she had a nagging suspicion about the Toclafane because the Doctor assured both her and Jack last week, (or one year ago according to the timeline) that the Master could only travel from the present to the end of the universe. The destruction of humanity’s past by humanity’s future is the reason for the paradox machine.

As for why the Master did it. He’s a Time Lord; therefore, he does it because he can. Besides, didn’t the Doctor always want to improve human/Time Lord relations?

As for why the future humans kill their ancestors? Not because it makes any sense or is part of some plan, it’s because it’s fun. Isn’t that the reason balls will do just about anything?

“The human race,” the Master says. “The greatest monsters of them all.”

The professor finally gets an answer for the reasons for Martha’s journey is revealed. She has in her possession a gun capable of killing a Time Lord. She just needs the four chemicals, which were spread across the Earth, in order to do it. She’s found three, and she needs Tom to get her to the old Unit base to collect the fourth. I have to admit it. When I heard this explanation, I was appalled. Doctor Who isn’t the show to resolve things with a gun, and here was Martha, talking about killing the Master dead.

The professor isn’t as certain of Martha’s homicidal tendencies as I am. This is where I realize this story couldn’t have been told with Rose; she would’ve been incapable of convincing anyone she’s capable of killing.

Once they get to the safe house, the starving hungry masses want answers about Martha and the Master. She can’t provide food, but is more than willing to provide the answers.

Just like the other professor, this one, supposedly doing things for one reason, is actually trying to accomplish another. She’s been working for Saxon because he’s holding her son captive.

As the Master gloats about discovering the whereabouts of Martha Jones, she’s outdoing Shakespeare, being the bard of tales for the huddled masses. She claims that it isn’t Martha Jones who is of any importance, but the Doctor, about whom she gives the speech at the start of the recap. It’s just a different take on Tim’s speech from “Family of Blood.” It’s the idea that, despite the chameleon circuit, to truly see the Doctor is to be filled with wonder. Her story of the Doctor enthralls her audience the way the Doctor has enthralled him for thirty seasons.

Panic ensues when the Master has down from The Valiant looking for Martha. They hide in fear but talk reverently about him. It’s very sort of devoutly religious, in the worst possible sense of the word.

He threatens to kill everyone in the barracks if she doesn’t turn herself in and then asks her, “What would the Doctor do?” I think this entire scene is decidedly mocking religion but the proof is just too hard to find!

Even though everyone is willing to protect her, Martha chooses to sacrifice herself for everyone else. After he destroys the weapon meant to kill him, he turns his laser screwdriver on Martha. Unwilling to see humanity’s last hope die, Tom runs out and is killed instead. Poor Martha, she just can’t keep a guy.

The Master decides to take Martha back to The Valiant to kill her in front of the Doctor.

The sun rises on the Master’s plan. Before he can go to war, he must take care of something else first. In front of her family, Jack and the Doctor, he’s got to kill Martha Jones. First he takes the Wrist-Assist she borrowed from Jack to prevent her from teleporting out and then he makes her kneel.

Sorry, there’s one other thing he has to do before killing Martha. I should’ve seen it coming. The Master is an evil-mastermind. This means that just prior to the completion of his most devious plan, he’s got to set a countdown clock letting the audience know the second the plan will all got to shit (180 seconds), and he’s got to explain exactly how evil he is to all his enemies. Of course, all his enemies are a captive audience so they have to listen. For a Time Lord and supposed genius, the Master clearly knows nothing about being an evil overlord. If he did, he just would’ve killed them instead of gathering them all together to witness his triumph. That never works. Here are some other rules he might wish to be aware of in advance.

Just as he’s about to kill her, Martha starts laughing. The whole “gun in four parts scattered across the world thing” she thought was far too transparent a story. Even the Doctor is amazed that anyone believed he’d ask her to kill. Unfortunately, everyone on the planet initially did believe that and so did I, which tells me something very important about humanity; we suck.

As for Martha, she knew all along about Professor Docherty’s son and that she would betray the cause. She wanted to find Professor Docherty to “know your enemy” except she was never talking about the Master’s balls. In fact, all she ever did was tell her story of the Doctor.

“Faith and hope, is that all?” The Master scoffs.

Oh, Master, you really have no concept of what it is to be an evil overlord, mocking your enemies is a sure sign you’re about to have your ass handed to you. She’s told everyone to think of one word, at the same time, but it’s not the prayer the Master laughs at. The word is amplified not only by human thought, but also by the Archangel Network – the Master’s own devices are now used against him.

As I’m getting goosebumps at the concept of thought, stories and human belief as the ultimate power, everyone on Earth is thinking, “Doctor.” The Master is taken aback, watching the various screens of the world, and everyone in the control room, including Lucy all chanting “Doctor.”

What’s best is that it isn’t a religious experience. It’s the Doctor, who has tuned himself into the telepathic network, feeding off the energy and willpower of the whole human race. While they aren’t having a religious experience, I’m really thinking of switching my allegiance from his noodliness, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, to Russell T. Davies.

Unable to come up with a way to stop what is happening, the Master watches as the Doctor turns from Dobby to the David Tennant I know and drool over love.

“Tell me the human race is degenerate now, when they can do this!” The Doctor says.

As the Doctor floats towards the Master, he finally gets to say what he’s wanted to say all along, “I forgive you.”

Umm, yeah, this is what makes the Doctor better than me. I so would have said something different.

That’s why he’s the Doctor and I’m the recapper. Snark is like a drug, I crave it too much to give it up for the betterment of society.

As Jack is sent to destroy the paradox machine, the Master uses Jack’s Wrist-Assist to transport them to a very artistic looking former mine somewhere in Wales. Okay, I’m sure that’s not what we’re supposed to call it, but it is a much more dramatic setting for the final showdown.

The Master is behaving like a petulant child and saying if he can’t have Earth, no one can, thanks to his black hole converters, his balls are preventing Jack from getting to the TARDIS and destroying the paradox. He has to go die, again, in order to fulfill his duty.

On the cliff, the Doctor calls the Master’s bluff. For all his grandstanding, the Master could never kill himself. When the Master hands over his block hole converter, we see Jack has fought his way through the Master’s balls and his now firing his big gun inside the TARDIS, thus destroying the paradox.

Transported back to The Valiant the Doctor is reunited with his companion and time reverses. All the changes the Master made to the planet disappear, and even the Earth rotates backwards, like Superman is flying really quickly around it. The world is as they knew it one year before. Japan is back. London is back but the US President is still dead, all is right.

Even the Master has reverted to his old self as he tries to run, only to be caught by Jack.

A debate commences as to what to do with the Master. The Jones family wants him dead, and I shake my head at the stupidity of these people. They’re the only ones left in the world who remember what happened and their first thought is still violence? As Francine points the gun at him, the Master eggs her on. Apparently he can’t kill himself but he’s more than willing to let others do it.

The Doctor has another solution; the Master must live on the TARDIS. In other words, the Doctor is going to keep him. Jack’s not at all cool with that idea because he’d rather be kept by the Doctor because the Master is a homicidal maniac, but the Doctor won’t hear of it. For all his travels, he’s found someone to take care of, and he’ll take his duty seriously.

That is, until Lucy takes matters into her own hands and shoots the Master. Even though the Doctor can’t see it, as he pleads with the Master to regenerate, it’s the only workable solution for everyone. The Master can’t suffer eternity as a prisoner but at the same time he can’t kill himself, it’s a paradox only Lucy can solve. “It’s always the women,” the master jokes but he’s wrong; it’s always the companion.

Seeing this as a chance to end the drumming, the Master takes his only chance and dies. It’s a terrible moment for the Doctor, but as I’ve said before, I think he only wants the Master around because he’s so desperate for contact with his people.

The Doctor weeps while everyone watches, not knowing what to do to help him. For Martha and Jack, they don’t know how to help the Doctor through this. For almost everyone else, they don’t fully understand what just transpired. For Lucy Saxon, she followed Donna’s advice to the letter. Sometimes, a Time Lord needs a companion. Sometimes a time Lord needs someone willing to stop him. Lucy, silly, not so bright Lucy, was exactly what the Master needed, someone to stop him and the drums.

In an interesting anthropological moment, we see Time Lord funeral rituals. They bear a striking resemblance to Jedi funerals, complete with sweeping orchestral music.

A quick interlude sees Martha giving a very surprised Docherty, a bouquet of flowers. She doesn’t know what they’re for and she doesn’t ever want to know.

The trio has returned to Roald Dahl Plass. Despite the offer, something Jack was desperate to have at the beginning of this journey, Jack decides not to travel with the Doctor, thus preventing future series from having to be aired after the watershed hour. Of course, Jack explains that it’s because he feels a responsibility for his team, and the Doctor can’t argue with either reason – if he knew mine existed.

Fixing the Wrist-Assist so he can’t transport, Jack’s immortality isn’t so easily reversed. It’s not the living forever part that bugs him, it’s the getting old and ugly bit. You see, Jack was a poster boy for the Time Agency when he was young. Since he was born on the Boeshane Peninsula, they used to call him “The Face of Boe.” So, if you’re wondering about the repercussions of his revelation, there is only one thing to remember.

And it puts an entirely new spin on “Gridlock.” Somehow though, I already knew that.

For once, ever the Doctor found something he’s having trouble believing.

Outside the Jones’ Martha’s parents are having a reunion with each other and their almost forgotten son. The Doctor is waiting outside for his companion. Before she rejoins him, Martha makes a quick call to discover that Tom Milligan is safe and sound and practicing pediatrics.

When Martha enters the TARDIS, the Doctor starts trying to entice her with places to go, people to meet, and even Agatha Christie gets tossed int, because he knows what is going to happen. His manic mood depresses, as he accepts her decision. “Thank you,” he says, embracing her.

Before she can leave, she has to explain herself. She uses the story of a friend of hers from university, but it sums up like this: she can’t be the person always waiting in the wings. This isn’t Moonlighting, or CSI, there’s can’t always be some unresolved sexual tension in her life. She’s not the type to moon over someone she can’t have.

In a humourous moment, it takes the genius Time Lord a bit to realize the analogy is about him.

As for Martha, she tosses him her cell phone, eliciting a promise that he’ll come running if she calls. With that, she exits the TARDIS and watches it disappear. I know she’s trying to get out, but this isn’t the best way to do it. I mean, really, when are guys ever reliable with the phone?

Before this season ends, we get a quick flash of a hand with red painted nails, who I assume is Lucy Saxon, picking up the Master’s ring out of the funeral pyre.

As for the Doctor, he’s never alone for long. Although, unlike last year when he wound up with a screaming bride, this time he’s got an entire ship, The Titanic. This leaves the Doctor with a very important question: how does the unlucky ship manage to crash through the walls of the TARDIS?

As for David Tennant, he has his own question.

See you at Christmas for the answer.